# Lawyer jokes. Any good ones? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 4, 2012, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435 "2012-01-04T22:54:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/1 "2012-01-04T22:54:29Z")
I’m not finding anything funny. I do like the joke about how do you know a pianist won’t be struck a second time by lightning like his fingers. Or the violist who wondered how that trill in _Fuer Elise_ was played so fast in the first two bars. But what’s a really good nasty lawyer joke? I want to know if they back up again or crocodiles or something – what’s the funny one? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/2 "2012-01-04T23:01:30Z")
I called my lawyer and asked him how much it would cost for him to answer 2 questions. He said “$2000, what’s the second question?”. ---
**Author:** ![UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/46a35a/32.png) [@UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UFC_Is_Sux)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/3 "2012-01-04T23:10:06Z")
Q: How can you tell at a glance if a lawyer has been circumsized? A: Look just above his shirt collar. ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/4 "2012-01-04T23:25:11Z")
How come snakes never bite lawyers? Professional courtesy. What’s the difference between a disaster and a tragedy? A disaster is a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff. The tragedy is there were two empty seats in the back. ---
**Author:** ![Randy\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/5 "2012-01-04T23:26:58Z")
I’m a lawyer and my SO is an engineer. She loves telling this joke when I’m around. I don’t think it’s that funny, but it’s her favorite. An engineer dies and gets sent to hell by mistake. He decides that while he’s there, he can start spiffing up the place. He fixes the HVAC system so it’s not so hot all the time. He puts all the torture pits in OSHA compliance so they don’t hurt anybody. He generally makes hell a pretty nice place. Eventually St. Peter catches wind of the error and calls on Satan. “It seems there’s been a clerical error, and that engineer belongs up in heaven. Just send him up and I’ll be ready for him,” says St. Peter. “No way you’re taking him,” responds Satan, “he’s made this place awesome. It’s actually pretty nice down here now. He said he’d install dimmers on all my recessed lighting next.” “What?” exclaims St. Peter. “You can’t just keep him. He’s ours! If you don’t release him immediately, I’ll sue you for custody.” “Where are you going to find a lawyer?” ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/6 "2012-01-04T23:32:53Z")
Not fucking bad. I’m with you, **Randy** – not that funny, but more of a shaggy dog thing which depends on the teller. I do like the circumcision one – kind of a Hal Ashby _Last Detail_ thing. (Viz what they got in Navy, thirteen buttons? They don’t got 'em in Marines, they just take off their hat.) Holy shit, **TriPolar** took me a second to realize that was fucking funny – it’s a thinker! Go on now, son! ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/7 "2012-01-04T23:34:32Z")
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other’s a fish. Why do they bury lawyers 8-feet deep when they die? Because, deep down, they’re really good guys. How do you tell when a lawyer is lying? His mouth is moving. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/8 "2012-01-04T23:39:32Z")
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/9 "2012-01-04T23:49:44Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? > > There are skid marks in front of the skunk. There’s only one set of tread marks on the skunk ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/10 "2012-01-04T23:54:55Z")
I was lucky enough to locate one of my favorites among [The Twisted Minds of Lawyers](http://fuckyeahlawyers.tumblr.com/) > [@](#): > > Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beatiful model walking towards them. > > “What a babe,” one said, “I’d sure like to fuck her!” > > “Really?” the other responded, “Out of what? ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/11 "2012-01-05T00:03:37Z")
Pope dies and gets to heaven’s gate. Sees St. Peter at the gate. St. Pete gets excited and comes running over … to hug and embrace the man next to him in line. Then some assistant angel comes up … “Yo Popie! This way.” Later waiting in line for their angel’s food cake and the other guy gets to cut in front of him. The other guy gets the deluxe wing set, Pope gets one made with artificial goose down, [drag on as far as you like] Finally, it takes a while, the Pope among his many virtues has great patience, he gets fed up with the shabby treatment, fed up with how this other guy (Who in … heaven is _he_ to _a Pope_?) gets treated so much better. He complains to the angel Gabriel who answers … “Hey Pope. You’re a Pope, we got plenty of those. That guy’s a lawyer; he’s the first we’ve ever had!” {Yeah it’s all in the delivery} ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/12 "2012-01-05T00:50:49Z")
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/13 "2012-01-05T00:56:46Z")
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller! ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/14 "2012-01-05T01:04:38Z")
A lawyer dies from a heart attack at age 40 and goes to Heaven. There he sees a man who died at age 100 making his way around heaven on roller skates. He sees a man who died at age 80 riding a bike. He sees a man who died at age 60 driving a car. He figures he’s got it made, a 40 year old should get some decent wheels. When he gets to the front of the line St. Peter hands him roller skates. The lawyer says “What’s going on here? Why do I get roller skates like those really old guys?”. St. Peter says “We added up all your hours you billed for, we figured you must be at least 100 years old”. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/15 "2012-01-05T01:06:11Z")
Did you hear about the honest lawyer? Neither did anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/16 "2012-01-05T01:28:11Z")
Did you hear that labs are using lawyers instead of white rats now? Know why? [ol] [li]there’s more of them[/li][li] nobody cares if they die[/li][li] there’s some things you just can’t get a rat to do[/li][/ol] Why did New Jersey get all the toxic dumps, and California get all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice. How many lawyers does it take to roof a shed? Depends on how thinly you slice them. How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers fighting over a penny. There’s only one lawyer joke. Everything else is true. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/17 "2012-01-05T01:44:46Z")
Sometimes you can’t tell if a lawyer is alive or dead because he lies still. ---
**Author:** ![Mdcastle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@Mdcastle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdcastle)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/18 "2012-01-05T01:50:09Z")
A guy was on a golf outing when a lawyer shows up and says “Your golf ball just hit me on the head and I’m suing you for 5 million dollars”. The guy said “I’m sorry, but I did yell ‘fore’” Laywer “Deal”. ---
**Author:** ![FatBaldGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@FatBaldGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FatBaldGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/19 "2012-01-05T01:54:18Z")
I have it on good authority that there are actually only three lawyer jokes. All the rest are true stories. ---
**Author:** ![J-P\_L](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/j-p_l/32/3156_2.png) [@J-P\_L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/J-P_L)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2012, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435/20 "2012-01-05T02:07:27Z")
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. ``` The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, OK!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue ``` and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, ``` "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the ``` tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, ``` "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste ``` out of my mouth!" * * * A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.” “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. " . . . or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea . . .” “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”" * * * Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One’s a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other’s just a fish. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lawyer-jokes-any-good-ones/608435.md?page=2)