# Learning How to Breathe **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 26, 2003, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388 "2003-03-26T23:06:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/41 "2003-03-28T06:04:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by featherlou \* > \*\*Actually, **Tucker** , I think **Stephi’s** idea of taking the worm’s stuff to his parents is the best way to go. The last thing she needs is him showing up in a few months, demanding his stuff, and charging her with theft because she tossed it. \*\* You’re right that the legalities of what belongs to whom could get nasty, but I’m really speaking of the things that he leaves behind because he no longer wants them that serve as an overpowering reminder of him after he’s gone. If there’s a lamp that he gave her on one of their anniversaries which makes her think of that every time she sees it, then she should ditch it for one that has no associations to it. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/42 "2003-03-28T06:23:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Venoma \* > \*\*May the demons that are the Department of Homeland Security make his life a living hell, far moreso than they ever did mine. (Don’t worry, it’ll happen whether any of us wish it on him or not.) > > I’m sorry, Stephi. ☹ \*\* Oh, yeah. Way back in '84, my best friend, who was born in the US, went to visit her folks with her Canadian husband. We’re talking legal marriage of over three years at this point. They decided to stay, as her brother had a job offer for the husband. He happened to have a very minor, mostly juvenile, record. No way, no how, no chance. Back to Canada with him like a hot shot. Now, I have no idea if your ex has ever had even a parking ticket, but if my friend couldn’t get in with a very legal wife in extremely peaceful peacetime, I’d say your ex is going to have a heck of a time trying to stay. On the other hand, you might have to be prepared for her coming back up with him. I suspect that might be the easier way, and I’d bet on him taking the easy way every time. As far as his stuff goes, I’d put it in storage and send him the bill. Then it’s up to him to pay it. If you try to get rid of stuff that is definately his, you might run into legal trouble. I don’t know how the house stands. If you own it in your name and he was kicking in for expenses, he might be considered a tenant and you’d have to hold the stuff for a certian amount of time. In some areas common-law is considered a legal marriage after a set length of time and dissolution might involve some court stuff for the assets etc. I think that might be more of a States thing, but I’d check it out. You might be able to nail him for palimony if he starts making an income, especially if you supported him during the relationship. Good luck. I’m sending a virtual lick from Joe the Rottie. Sorry he’s not a Retriever, but he’s sweet anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/43 "2003-03-28T13:53:06Z")
Replace shithead with puppy. (God I love goldens, when I get in a position to get a pet, its going to be a golden.) Boot his stuff. any of the communal items that you want, keep. The rest of it get out of your life ASAP. Now. Yesterday, if possible. Sending them to his parents sounds like a good plan. You are not a failure. Repeat it a lot. Baby yourself, just like after a particularly bad illness or surgery or something. Read the first few chapters of _a Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing_. Its a good book anyway, but the first bit of it deals with “failing at loving someone”. Loving people is Hard Work, and not always sucessful. That has nothing to do with your worth as a person. You are not a failure. You found something that didn’t work, and now you have a chance to learn from it and do better. And don’t sweat the carpet stain. Get rid of his shit, change the locks, buy pretty new underwear that he’ll never see, dance naked in the living room with your shiny new keys to the music that he never liked anyway. (Well, YMMV, but it helped me. If you need hugs or anything my e-mail and AIM is in my profile.) ---
**Author:** ![Siemsi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Siemsi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siemsi)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/44 "2003-03-28T14:12:54Z")
Stephi, I’m so sorry. Please know you are not alone…and I know you probably hate hearing this…but it’s better you found out his true character NOW, rather than after you and he married and/or had a child. (((((((((((((big fat hugs)))))))))))))))) Man, that’s just bad Karma. What comes around goes around. You will find happiness again. ---
**Author:** ![Stephi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stephi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stephi)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/45 "2003-03-28T14:33:03Z")
**zoogirl** Oh my God, I hadn’t even thought that he might try to bring her back to Canada with him and live in my house! I kid you not, I am calling a locksmith right now! I don’t care how legal or illegal this is, she is NOT living in my house! ---
**Author:** ![Stephi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stephi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stephi)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/46 "2003-03-28T15:26:31Z")
Ok, the locksmith is coming out this afternoon to change the locks. **alice in wonderland** Will it really take 2 years for me to feel normal again? God, I hope not! **venoma** I’m not sure how he’s doing, I haven’t heard from him since he left Sunday. Is it possible he already has the visa and just hasn’t told me? Could he have been planning this for a while? **tuckerfan and featherlou** Yeah, I’m sending his stuff to his parents. He has a lot of stuff though, so I’m not sure they can take it all. I figure I’ll get them to take most of it. **zoogirl** Well, I have called the locksmith, so they’ll be changed this afternoon. I hadn’t even thought of that. That’s incredibly scary. **Medea’s Child** Ok, I’ll check out that book, it sounds interesting. I might go on a small shopping spree Saturday, (maybe at a thrift store), and buy some nice things for myself. Or maybe some CD’s. Then I’ll come home and dance naked in my living room! I promise! 😃 **Siemsi** I know, what comes around, goes around. I keep telling myself that. Thank you all for your support, it’s very much appreciated during this time. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/47 "2003-03-28T15:37:46Z")
Maybe you should call a lawyer and find out the legalities of co-owning the house, and is he going to keep up his half of the payments, and is “desertion of residence” a real thing? ---
**Author:** ![Stephi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stephi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stephi)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/48 "2003-03-28T17:20:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kalhoun \* > \*\*Maybe you should call a lawyer and find out the legalities of co-owning the house, and is he going to keep up his half of the payments, and is “desertion of residence” a real thing? \*\* I’m doing that Saturday. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/49 "2003-03-28T18:00:46Z")
Another thought, you’ve been together 8 years? Maybe you can collect palimony!! ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/50 "2003-03-28T18:18:19Z")
I’m going to be in Ottawa in May. Want help tossing stuff? I was only with my previous boyfriend/fiance for four years, but for the first month after breakup I was on an emotional roller coaster. Head up to Montreal a lot to alternately party with and cry on the MontrealDopers. And lots of hugs from me, Mr. Lissar, and our cat. What a snot-guzzling, xyloid, mangy, hateful amoeba. No offense to anyone who breeds amoebas. ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_The\_Diver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Buck\_The\_Diver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_The_Diver)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/51 "2003-03-28T18:44:24Z")
And make damn sure you lockdown any checking account, savings acount and credit/debit cards of yours that he might have access to. If he knows your computer passwords, change them. Any on-line accounts? Change password/get rid of it. Make sure he’s not running up a huge phone bill with long distance calls. Hell, change your phone number. Check with the Post Office and see if any change-of-address forms have been filed for your address. Watch your finances like a hawk, be pre-emptive and CYA. ---
**Author:** ![ladydisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@ladydisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladydisco)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/52 "2003-03-29T01:09:40Z")
Holy Hannah! I just read this post, **Stephi** , and I can’t believe your run of bad luck. You are an awesome person and deserve none of it. I think you might be thirsty after all that. If you want, you can stop by tomorrow for a drink. I think CuruiousC may be coming too. And if you’re in Ottawa, you should come too Elly. ---
**Author:** ![Stephi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stephi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stephi)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/53 "2003-03-29T02:57:11Z")
**Lissla Lissar** I can identify with the phrase “emotional rollercoaster.” Yeah. Thanks. **Buck The Diver** I’m currently in the process of doing so. It takes a while though, you think you’ve tied up everything that you can in one area, when you remember that other thing that you have to cancel… Sigh. It feels like it never ends. **Ladydisco** Let’s be realistic. It’s not bad luck, it’s a result of some bad choices I made earlier. But thanks for the kind words anyway. 🙂 I will definitely be there. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![LogicinMotion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d07c76/32.png) [@LogicinMotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LogicinMotion)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/54 "2003-03-29T17:12:28Z")
My girlfriend made me aware of this thread. She’s an awesome woman. And after reading it I felt I had to say something… I come from another forum (No shameless plug no worries) I’m english, came to the US almost 4 years ago. I left England to be with a woman who I had met and lived with in England for some 3 months. She then moved to the US and asked me to move over also. What did I have to lose ? I had a home and my own business but this was love, and I had had several bad relationships in my past, this one seemed perfect, and hey ! A new start in a new country, it seemed to good to be true, so I closed my business, and I moved to the US. Moved to the US is such a simple phrase, but it took a long time, a lot of money and a lot of pulling out of hair and jumping through hoops. When I finally moved over here, things with the love of my life were AWFUL and she became an utter psychopath. Life went from bad to worse swiftly and they keep getting worse. After 9 months, I was near suicidal. I had given up everything for this woman and she treated me worse than I can put into words. To heap further pain upon me, she then told me she had been seeing her ex boyfriend in California and that she wanted himand not me, and she had been seeing him for months anyway, I must be stupid to have not worked it out… Yeah, me too. Life was as bad as it could be, so i hated myself, I’d hated myself for a long time anyway, what was new ? I reacted the only way I could and got rid of her, and the day after ? Why I felt great ! For an entire 24 hours. And then I cried, and pouted, I second guessed myself, WHY OH WHY DID I DO THAT ? I wanted her back, I craved her return, I grabbed the phone… And I put it back down and went through my withdrawal. For over a year. And then I got over her. Since then I had other relationships, and things did not get any better, and recently… I met my girlfriend. I can’t tell you how wonderful she is. And I am shocked because she and I have an understanding, and a relationship that surpasses any I have had in the past. The moral to this tale is that things do get better. Sooner or later, and then it’s all ok. Sooner or later. I’m sorry about what happened to you Stephi, I wish you the best of luck. To Cathy (My girlfriend: I love you very much) Logic. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/55 "2003-03-29T17:35:19Z")
I’ve been in a similar situation. Counseling can really help. You get to sit there and let the shit out; you can be as crazy as you like; you don’t have to pretend to be semi-sane like you do with your friends. My counselor explained to me that I was feeling grief, which helped me straighten out my feelings. He recommended a book called “How to go on living when someone you love dies”. The bastard boyfriend hasn’t died, but in a way it’s worse since you have to deal with the rejection and the possibility of a reconciliation, and sometimes it seems like people don’t take your pain seriously (they do, but they just don’t know what to say, or they unintentionally say the wrong things). “Roller coaster” has been mentioned several times. As soon as possible, go ride a real one. Ride it about 8 times in a row. It’s an incredibly cleansing experience. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/56 "2003-03-29T17:48:58Z")
One piece of counter advice: Do NOT throw out his stuff! I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve watched way too many _People’s Court_ type programs. From what I’ve seen of them, if you sell his stuff, or otherwise dispose of it and he’s got proof it’s his, you might wind up being liable for the costs. I’d say store it somewhere where you don’t have to look at it. If you give it to his parents, write a list of what you’re giving them, and have them sign it. Just cover yourself, whatever you do, because this guy sounds like a first rank twit! I also would love it if we have a Canadian lawyer around here who can give you better advice. Take care of yourself. You are indeed mourning the death of dreams among other things. While you will feel better, that doesn’t change now. It sounds like you’ve got a great group of friends up there, and a retriever puppy sounds like a wonderful idea. There’s nothing like pure, unconditional love. You can also e-mail me if you need to, although you barely know me, and I’m no expert on romance, just heartbreak. Take care, and know that you are loved, and by better people than the fellow who left you. CJ ---
**Author:** ![Osip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/57 "2003-03-29T18:04:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Stephi \* > [B, I am calling a locksmith right now! \*\* Your a nice enough lass and I would come gladly to change the locks for you and help move stuff as well, yet I fear your a Wee bit out of my normal service area… well ok a lost since your in a completely different country. Hope your heart heals well and this passes quickly. If you ever need an ear to bend drop me a line. Osip ---
**Author:** ![djf750](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ea666f/32.png) [@djf750](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/djf750)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/58 "2003-03-30T06:04:12Z")
You are not a failure, things will get better in time, and for what it’s worth, you are a good writer. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/59 "2003-03-30T07:01:18Z")
I agree with **djf750** - you express yourself very well. And you’re showing a remarkably mature, balanced attitude to this (though you may not feel balanced right now). You deserve better treatment than this man gave you. I know you’ve been told that a lot, but it needs to be repeated. Definitely put his property into storage, with a list of what is there. Get a large box of tissues ready for then because you will undoubtedly cry all through the packing (I know I would). As for the stain: dampen the area down, cover it with bicarbonate of soda, let it sit overnight, and then hoover that up. Works with most stubborn stains, in my regrettably extensive experience. It might help to go out and check out some other men too, even if you don’t feel ready for it, and even if you’re not looking for a new relationship. It just helps to remind you that there are other men in the world, and nearly all are better than him. Good luck with everything. ---
**Author:** ![Archergal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Archergal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Archergal)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388/60 "2003-03-30T13:51:30Z")
Keep in mind that when you’ve been in a long-term relationship, it may take a while before you get over it. Be patient and kind with yourself – none of this “It’s been 6 months, I have to be over it by now” stuff. If you need more time to get over it, take it, and no apologies to anyone. If you can keep looking forward to your new life, and not back to the old one, you’ll get back on track a little quicker. Sure, you’ll think of the old life, but when you do, turn your thoughts resolutely forward. When I was in my mid-20’s, the guy I was absolutely, desperately in love with brought me home, made love to me, and then told me he was going back to his old girlfriend. It would have been easier on me if he’d hit me in the head with a 2x4. It took me years to get over that trauma, but I learned a LOT in the process. I’m a little wiser now. You are too. Hang in there – my thoughts are with you! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-how-to-breathe/164388.md?page=4)