# Learning To Love Yourself (How Did You Do It?) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 6, 2001, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014 "2001-03-06T23:34:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![muppetsoup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aca169/32.png) [@muppetsoup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muppetsoup)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2001, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/21 "2001-03-07T19:36:56Z")
It starts with the deeply held belief that I am the smartest man on earth, no offense to our dear Cecil. Not necessarily the most book-smart, or even the most all around intelligent. In there somewhere, I know that my perspective on the world is more accurate than anyone else’s, even if I can’t put it into words as well as others. I also seem to have the unique (in my experience) ability to look at a situation from someone else’s point of view and know what they would think about it. You might call it ‘fierce individualism’, and now that I write it out, it certainly sounds like conceit, but I really don’t think it is. It’s more like the Ultimate in Self-Confidence. When I make a decision, or come to a conclusion on something, I don’t just _think_ it’s the correct one, I _know_ it is. Sometimes it takes a long time to come to a conclusion, but that’s the price you pay. I could do something that in retrospect will seem so stupid or immature, but I _know_ deep down that it was the right thing to do at the time, and if not, it must be a glitch in the matrix. It’s like I’ve always known I was different in this way, but instead of feeling bad about it, I thought it was great. Maybe I’m just around a bunch of idiots and I think I’m great in comparison. Maybe everybody else thinks this too, and I never bothered to talk to anyone about it. I’m sure there’s more than a little misanthropism involved in how I feel about myself. I love myself because I know that I’m unique, and not only am I special, but I’m _important_, even if only to me. The rest of you will come around. 😉 There’s more to it, but I think I’ve made myself enough of a stuck up jerk for today. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2001, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/22 "2001-03-07T21:00:43Z")
and decided to contribute my part also. For me this is an ongoing struggle. Everyone has had difficulties in life to some extent, and are better prepared to deal with them if their self-esteem is high. I voluntarily spent three weeks in a psychological ward of a hospital nearly fourteen years ago. I learned a lot from the classes, therapy and groups. I think I learned the most from a kind, gentle man, a fellow “client” (as we were called) in his mid thirties who had suffered much pain in his life, and had been on thorazine and other anti-psychotic drugs for a long time. I asked him how he dealt with the pain in his life, and he said “Forgiveness is the only possible answer.” I think that even if one does not have excellent self-esteem, forgiving others, but especially, **forgiving oneself** , can be invaluable. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2001, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/23 "2001-03-07T21:51:23Z")
I wanted to add one thing: Emotions come and go. They are not your reality. Yeah, I understand that sometimes chemical imbalances _make_ those emotions your reality, but the large part of life is realizing that your emotions can just confuse the issue. Sometimes they have to be put aside. I know that I have up and down days and sometimes I just have to recognize the feelings for what they are: just feelings. I try to not let them color my perception of situations. One other thing, probably the most important, was something that I read in C.S. Lewis’ **The Screwtape Letters**. It was a statement by the elder devil to his nephew that was a very profound truth (my paraphrase, since I don’t have the book right here - I’ll try to bring it from home tomorrow): “Life is flux. It changes. Nothing remains the same forever, but it is our duty [as devils] to make them think that today’s temptation, today’s emotion, today’s struggle, will last forever and that they will never win. Never mind that it’s not true, never mind that things swing from one extreme to the other, make them think it _will_ be all they’ll ever experience…” Again, my paraphrase (and a really bad one at that). **Zenster** , thanks for opening this thread. I’ve always wanted to share some of these things when I see threads where people are really hurting, but didn’t want to give advice unasked for or sound preachy. ---
**Author:** ![Purd\_Werfect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47c2d/32.png) [@Purd\_Werfect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Purd_Werfect)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2001, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/24 "2001-03-07T23:48:15Z")
Still working on it. I’ll get back to you. ---
**Author:** ![silent\_rob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@silent\_rob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silent_rob)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/25 "2001-03-08T00:42:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zenster \* > What was it that made you realize the importance of loving yourself? Well, I’ve realized the importance, I suppose. But I don’t love myself. Heck, sometimes I downright _loathe_ me, but not too often. I suppose I realized it was important when my friends and family started worrying about me. > [@](#): > > Were you among the fortunate that had stable and rational families to nurture this? Nope, not in the least. Not too say that my parents aren’t great and I love them, but in my few years…stable and rational are not words I would use to describe my family life. > [@](#): > > Was there an underlying strata of coherence and consistent philosophy that enabled you to be sure of yourself? I am almost never sure of myself. I got a 98% on an exam last week and I was thinking, “What happened with that half-mark…” I tend to need validation to realize something I do is good, and usually still think it’s crap. And since I do well, people tend to only criticize what I do. Hence, that’s what I do. Nothing I do is good, I’m not good. Put me in the “don’t love myself” pile. Why? My own ghosts (and I seem to have quite a few). Some of them are stupid, some not. I don’t think I’ll go into more of them here, though. I feel guilty enough about burdening my friends with them. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalMuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecccb3/32.png) [@DigitalMuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalMuse)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/26 "2001-03-08T01:01:12Z")
I’ve been working on it, and it’s really hard, especially when you know that you are own worst enemy and somehow your mind tries to destroy you each day. I work on rebutting to the voice in my mind telling me what a worthless and terrible person I am, but sometime’s it deosn’t work the best. Aside from that, I have loving friends and a supportive boyfriend whose been with me during most of my struggles in the past 6-7 months. I think I answered the best I could at the moment. ---
**Author:** ![Turpentine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Turpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turpentine)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/27 "2001-03-08T03:41:21Z")
Happy 3,000 , Zenster. I printed this out and took it home so I could read it carefully before posting. And guess what? I don’t really need to reply because \*\* Jekeira \*\* pretty much said everything I would have said. Except she forgot to mention Bjork. Bjork makes me feel loved, she makes me think I rock. ---
**Author:** ![Turpentine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Turpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turpentine)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/28 "2001-03-08T03:46:40Z")
oh yes- and Digital Muse- I have an evil clone who lives in my head and tell sme how horrible i am. You know what I did? I made her a body out of duct tape and newspapers, and put her in that body. Her name is Susan Bananahands. And whenever I need to, i tell her to shut the fuck up and occasionally I feel a need to stab her with my knitting needles and kick her head off. Then, once in a while we get along and I give her hugs. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/29 "2001-03-08T04:04:19Z")
Where to begin? How about the beginning? I will add only a few comments here and there to what is a stunning array of touching and very moving responses. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr\_Paprika \* > …Not that I’m particularly wild these days, but in essence, I learned to tolerate certain aspects of my character without worrying on how they would be judged by others. I very slowly came to feel comfortable with the fact that I tend to see things differently than most of my friends… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lost \* > …The realization that those who should be loving (family), were actually almost successful in killing me. I decided that I wanted to live **more** than I wanted to make them happy… > > …I can’t really say I love myself, but I surely can say that I am happy, and I love my life, the life that I’ve created for myself. I made myself learn happiness, one step at a time, but first I had to un-learn putting up with cruelty, hate, manipulation and abuse. It took quite a while for me to realize that these were _not_ acceptable behaviours, and I still get blindsided once in a while. For good or bad, my technique for defense is distance. I moved **far** away from the bad influences for starters… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Silver Fire \* > Nothing. > > Everything. > > Well, I’m done here I guess. As to you **Silver Fire** , you are far too kind to all of us to be so unkind to yourself. 'Nuf said. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mnementh \* > …I am who I am, all the time, and because I chose to be so, I ended up with people who could accept that. Everyone seemed to accept it, myself included, and there have you… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JBirdman12 \* > …The things I dislike about myself are small and insignifigant and are far outweighed by the fact that, while I still strive for self-improvement, I’m happy with the way I am, overall. It was a revelation… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TVeblen \* > …The sweet light of common sense and acceptance didn’t dawn until just about everything had frayed apart, including me. I couldn’t hold everything together, couldn’t make everything right, couldn’t DO everything right and blamed myself for it all. No guilt was too small or too ludicrous. > > It took kind, wise folks–my sister, friends, some people here–to provide a reality check. Basically I started _hearing_ other, more balanced voices and that made all the difference. They’d been there all along; I just hadn’t listened. They were the ones who croggled, then laughed, then sighed over my “gotta somehow do it ALL perfectly” despair. (Hubris, anyone? One lump or two?)… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tansu \* > I’m still learning, and I’m making good progress… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Spoons \* > …But I’ll also add that I believe that it may be necessary to define yourself before you can accept yourself. You must know your character, and your likes and dislikes, for example, before you can begin acceptance. And you must not allow others to define these for you… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AHunter3 \* > If you have been haunted by ugly thoughts about yourself, put yourself on trial; confront the charges honestly and openly. (Defend yourself vehemently, too; the goal is honesty, not self-pity). > > Be concerned not so much with ‘loving yourself’ as ‘admiring yourself’. Be your own hero… I cannot stress how important it is to be heroic in your own fashion. You must do what is admirable to yourself at least, if not to others. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jekeira \* > …It took a while, but it eventually dawned upon me that there were things I simply didn’t have to put up with. Gee, what a revelation! I feel like I must have been an idiot not to realize it before, but it was a lack of self-love and self-confidence… > > …And if a new person in my life doesn’t give me respect and acceptance, then that’s something I don’t have to take. As both Zenster and Dr\_Paprika said in different ways, it’s about saying “no.” > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Medea’s Child \* > …But there are days where I just take special delight in being me. Other people can do as they will, but I can have so much fun being myself… [quote] \*Originally posted by BunnyGirl \* …The biggest thing I think that helped me was to realize that [list] [li]I’ll never be like **So-and-so** on TV[/li][li]I don’t have to please everyone all the time (I was a big perfectionist)[/li][li]Some people’s opinions _really_ don’t matter[/li][li]The opinions of Madison Avenue and the media are unrealistic and don’t fit with my lifestyle…[/li][/quote] > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > …Stop beating myself up for what’s over and can’t be changed. Gee, that was easy. Gosh I’m a good person. Tra-la-la, all’s well. > > Then came the hard part. I had to STOP being a dumb schmuck that did pointlessly stupid things. I had to THINK about what I was doing, and who I would let into my life. This was HARD. Bad habits kept cropping up and I’d have to knock them back down. Again and again for some of the really dumb stuff… > > …Get over the past. (Easy to say- hard to do) > Suck it up. > Get on with your life. > If you’re not actively ripping people apart you must be O.K. > If you ARE actively ripping people apart, stop it. > Breathe in. > Breathe out. > Repeat. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by moi \* > …And then I had the epiphany: _Was life always going to be like this? Did I have to feel this way? Who was in control here?_ And, seeing as I had very little to lose, **I placed a bet that I was in control, and I could change what I didn’t like about myself and my life**. I was fairly young at the time–in my early teens–and it was a momentous lesson to learn so early in life. I made a list of traits I found attractive or desirable in other people…a kind of “wish list” of who I wanted to be. And I started to “act” like that person. I’ve been reevaluating and working toward those goals every day since… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by celestina \* > …However, I think the key to loving oneself is to just decide to do it and then do it. Believe that you are worthy of love and that it will be enough if only you out of every living creature on this earth love yourself because it is the one thing YOU CAN CONTROL. Decide how you want to love yourself… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bumbazine \* > …The second step was when I realized that I needed to arrive at my own ethical standards through rational thought. This was brought home to me when I noticed that the authority figures who taught me that I should love and honor my neighbors were the same people who were teaching me that my (their) religion was superior to all others, and adherents to other religions were stupid, inferior pawns of the Devil who were going to Hell for their sins. > > The third step was realizing that my own opinion of myself was more important to me than other peoples’ opinions, and that I could get along without them (the other people, that is). Everybody desires love and acceptance from others, even an anti-social old bastard like myself, but compromising your principles to please others can leave you feeling pretty bad about yourself… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by muppetsoup \* > …You might call it ‘fierce individualism’, and now that I write it out, it certainly sounds like conceit, but I really don’t think it is. It’s more like the Ultimate in Self-Confidence. When I make a decision, or come to a conclusion on something, I don’t just _think_ it’s the correct one, I _know_ it is. Sometimes it takes a long time to come to a conclusion, but that’s the price you pay… > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Spider Woman \* > …I think that even if one does not have excellent self-esteem, forgiving others, but especially, **forgiving oneself** , can be invaluable. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by silent\_rob \* > …I am almost never sure of myself. I got a 98% on an exam last week and I was thinking, “What happened with that half-mark…” I tend to need validation to realize something I do is good, and usually still think it’s crap. And since I do well, people tend to only criticize what I do. Hence, that’s what I do. Nothing I do is good, I’m not good…_\* I’m compelled to quote Tom Clancy; > [@](#): > > _From “Debt of Honor”_ > “The hard part always seemed to come after the decisions were made, [Jack] Ryan knew. It wasn’t making them that wore on the soul so much as having to live with them. Had he done the right things? There was no measure except hindsight, and that was always too late. Worse, hindsight was always negative because you rarely looked back to reconsider things that had gone right.” Raus mit der verschluginer hindsight **silent\_rob**! > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DigitalMuse \* > …I work on rebutting to the voice in my mind telling me what a worthless and terrible person I am, but sometime’s it doesn’t work the best… Thanks to so many of you for posting such excellent and honest replies. I am truly glad that I spent so long coming up with this thread’s topic. I have done my best to extract the passages that resonated the most with me. I too, have finally learned to listen to my inner voice. And what it is saying right now is to head over to the pit and flame **Mr Cynical** for the handsbreadth (if he’s lucky) depth of his own reply. He’s guilty of far more flameworthy misdeeds than this, but that is another matter. I was stunned to see such SDMB icon’s as **Silver Fire** and **Spider Woman** reveal their own trials and tribulations and I am deeply honored that so many of you bared your souls in the hope of staving off some of the agony that others undoubtly are going through. To those who posted such constructive answers I will say that I am grateful to receive such well thought out responses to what is obviously a difficult question. Keep 'em coming folks! PS: Thanks **Turp**! ---
**Author:** ![silent\_rob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@silent\_rob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silent_rob)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/30 "2001-03-08T07:26:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zenster \* > I’m compelled to quote Tom Clancy; > > > [@](#): > > > > _From “Debt of Honor”_ > > “The hard part always seemed to come after the decisions were made, [Jack] Ryan knew. It wasn’t making them that wore on the soul so much as having to live with them. Had he done the right things? There was no measure except hindsight, and that was always too late. Worse, hindsight was always negative because you rarely looked back to reconsider things that had gone right.” > > Raus mit der verschluginer hindsight **silent\_rob**! Damn my poor German! All I know how to say is “please don’t kill me.” Though I like the quote; tis very true. A rhetorical question to myself: does my hard work ethic make my perfectionist nature redundant and hurtful, or does my hard work ethic come from my perfectionist nature? I’ve always just said, “I’m a perfectionist,” and that’s been the end of it. Never really thought about it before. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/31 "2001-03-08T08:26:06Z")
> [@](#): > > **Jekeira:** Gee, what a revelation! I feel like I must have been an idiot not to realize it before… It’s amazing how accurately this captures my feelings at my own “internal realignment.” Basically, the root of my depression went back to my father. Physically and emotionally abusive, distant yet omnipresent, you know the drill. Suddenly, one day, something went _click_ in my head and heart, and I realized his abusive behavior wasn’t my fault. It had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with his own problems and his own hatred of himself. _Click._ Of course, like **Rue DeDay** says, the hard part came next: I had to re-learn how to perceive myself, the world, my family, my father, etc. – I had to modify the way I processed incoming information. Once I had the core realization about disconnecting my self-worth from my father’s abuse, though, things started falling into place like the ball on the roulette wheel. Specific responses: **What was it that made you realize the importance of loving yourself?** Basically, I decided I was tired of being miserable. Really, it started when I had a brush with death at the age of 19. My lung repeatedly collapsed, and I ended up being rushed to the hospital for hours and hours of emergency surgery. Nothing like a near-death experience to eliminate a teenager’s self-centered I’m-indestructible worldview. Anyway, that started me thinking about how I saw myself, and how I dealt with the world. I then enrolled in arts college for an acting degree, and of course, as an actor, I am my own instrument. My resources are inside myself. If I don’t know myself, I can’t be a flexible, honest actor. I slowly discovered I had problems with joy, with simplicity and stillness, and my exploration of these weaknesses led me directly to the epiphany described at top. **Were you among the fortunate that had stable and rational families to nurture this?** Nope. My father, as stated, is a jagoff, though I see him as more pathetic than evil. My brother is royally screwed up, emotionally (also due to the abuse) and physically (because of an extremely bad-luck and rare genetic disease). My mom has problems of her own; part of my epiphany was realizing that I was progressing past her level of emotional maturity. She appreciated my progress, but she couldn’t tell how I was doing it, and she had no idea how to help or support me. As of right now, her behavior is actually fairly self-destructive, and negatively impacts me and my wife. I love them all, but I did this on my own. **Was there an underlying strata of coherence and consistent philosophy that enabled you to be sure of yourself?** Yes; it was part of the _click_ described above. It can be summed up as follows: I am entirely responsible for my own emotional state. I have no responsibility for others’ emotional states. I will be good and fair and balanced with other people, but if they choose to be unhappy or angry, it isn’t my problem; I can’t change them or how they feel about the world. Similarly, if they try to make me unhappy or angry, I can choose to reject those attempts. My happiness is my responsibility, and mine alone. **For those of you who came to love yourselves later in life, what precipitated this event?** Described above, re my hospital stay, followed by acting training, which led directly to my epiphany regarding the root of my unhappiness. Again: Whether or not my father loved me, or whether or not my father showed his love (or lack) in a positive or negative way, is irrelevant to whether or not I love myself. Once I disconnected his problems from the equation, the other emotional obstacles also fell away, and my path was clear. **Were there drastic measures required to achieve it or was some other internal realignment necessary?** Again, I had the advantage of being enrolled in a very focused and demanding acting program. I highly recommend this to everyone, whether or not you’re considering acting as a career. It was the best four years of my life, my artistic aspirations aside. It wasn’t intended as therapy (and in my opinion, people who treat acting as therapy are misguided and self-centered), but in order to be an effective and honest actor, I had to get myself sorted out. Thank you, **Zenster,** for starting this conversation. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/32 "2001-03-08T18:05:39Z")
Here’s some excerpts from **The Screwtape Letters** that I mentioned, from Chapter 8. Please note (if you haven’t read the book) that this is a fictional account of the correspondence between a Senior Devil and a Junior Devil, the Junior Devil with his first “case” of temptation. > [@](#): > > Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal…As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation - the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks… > > As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. Then, from Chapter 9: > [@](#): > > But there is an even better way of exploiting the trough; I mean through the patient’s _[what they call the person being tempted]_ own thoughts about it. As always, the first step is to keep knowledge out of his mind. Do not let him suspect the law of undulation. **Let him assume that the first ardours of his conversion might have been expected to last, and ought to have lasted forever, and that his prsent dryness is an equally permanent condition** _[bolding mine]_ This was important to me, not just in respect to religous experience, but to life in general. It helped me realize that the days I didn’t feel like my job was worth anything, the relationship I was in sucked, or whatever, that sometimes emotions need to be ignored and the rationale behind them examined. I don’t mean to say that you are to ignore your feelings all the time; I just mean, examine _why_ you’re feeling a certain way, don’t just accept it as Truth. Sometimes it’s just a combination of bad day + fight with lover + PMS (or whatever) = unhappiness. I would encourage anyone interested to read the book; yes, it’s basically religous in nature but Lewis brings up some excellent phsycological points regarding human nature in general. ---
**Author:** ![todaystomsawyer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/59ef9b/32.png) [@todaystomsawyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/todaystomsawyer)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/33 "2001-03-08T20:39:18Z")
I’m going to make this short and sweet. I think in order to know what heaven feels like, one must first experience hell. It’s like good and bad. One can’t exist without the other. Maybe people have to learn how to love themselves. Life is a constant learning experience, and it’s how we apply our learning experiences to our own lives that form our perception of the world and how we see ourselves. I think everone here has alot of good positive things to say, it’s good to see that. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/34 "2001-03-08T21:38:38Z")
Another great thread! I think that this will inspire many people and help them. Congratulations on a wonderful 3000th post. ----:)/ x o x o x ----///\\ ---
**Author:** ![todaystomsawyer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/59ef9b/32.png) [@todaystomsawyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/todaystomsawyer)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/35 "2001-03-08T21:38:58Z")
Changes don’t happen overnight, but you can start making a difference today. Just make the decision. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/36 "2001-03-09T02:00:02Z")
> [@](#): > > Raus mit der verschluginer hindsight silent\_rob! _Transliteration_: Knock it off with the bling-blanged hindsight **silent\_rob**! PS: Thanks **Spidey**! ---
**Author:** ![lolagranola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ea5d25/32.png) [@lolagranola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lolagranola)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/37 "2001-03-09T02:57:33Z")
I have a long answer (do you have a few hours?), a medium answer, and a short but snappy answer. I’ll try to make it short but seriously instead of snappy. **moi** ’s post actually sounds like I could have written it, except I was in my late teens, instead of my early teens. I started off very unpopular and very shy as a child. I was miserable for years, trying hard to fit in and be like everyone else. By junior high, I’d decided that being just like everyone else was something to be avoided. I watched the so-called popular kids a lot, and realized that none of them thought for themselves, and in fact, seemed to be far more concious of how other people perceived them than anyone else. They made every decision based on what other people would think. I did NOT want to be like that, and tried very hard to be as different as possible. I took “weird” as a compliment. I did decide that what I needed was to act like I had self confidence. I decided, I did, and eventually, the feelings followed. By high school, I was even more popular than the “popular kids”. I had people cancel parties if I decided not to go. Strangely enough, by that time, I didn’t care anymore. Other people’s opinions of me didn’t matter anymore. Still, in the back of my mind, some self-loathing lingered, and occasionally reared it’s ugly head. In my late teens, I went through a real depression. I guess I kind of hit rock bottom. At some point, I really had to sit myself down and ask myself if I really wanted to kill myself, live the rest of my life in depression, or do something about it. For anyone who’s really been depressed, they understand how hard it is to do something about your life when you are that low. I just had some inner strength I must have been saving for that occasion. I finally decided that since I’m stuck with myself, I might as well like myself. It didn’t happen overnight. It takes a lot of work and effort to become the self-loving, “don’t-give-a-shit” obnoxious person I am today, but hell, I like myself just the way I am. ---
**Author:** ![Scotticher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Scotticher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scotticher)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/38 "2001-03-09T23:14:47Z")
I am still trying. Thank you, all of you, for your thoughts and experiences. Maybe they will help me to get there. Scotti ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/39 "2001-03-09T23:40:13Z")
Isn’t learning to love yourself simply accepting the wisdom of Popeye? To wit, “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.” ---
**Author:** ![JosephFinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3bc359/32.png) [@JosephFinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JosephFinn)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014/40 "2001-03-10T05:27:00Z")
Maybe I’m a simple man. Maybe it’s because I went to a Jesuit high school. Maybe it’s because of some unlucky relationships. I just learned to trust in myself and not to rely on others to validate me. Simplistic? Perhaps. Practical? Yes. The only drawback, which I am working on, is my impatience with persons with no self-confidence who equivocate over everything. I promise every day to have more patience and understanding for them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/learning-to-love-yourself-how-did-you-do-it/57014.md?page=1)