# Least Efficient Ways to Leave Your Lover **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 27, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763 "2011-09-27T15:21:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/1 "2011-09-27T15:21:05Z")
Inspired by the [other thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=625737). Crawl away on your knees, Jeeves. Pedal madly on a unicyle, Michael. Take a [Sinclair C5](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinclair_C5), Clive. Row a boat down the street, Pete. Pour yourself down the drain, Wayne. Take the circle line, Klein. Hop aboard a treadmill, Bill. Mount a sloth, Roth. Descend an escalator, Esther. Slither like a snake, Jake. Mail yourself with insufficient stamps, Champ. Climb atop a growing tree, Lee. Stand upon a [divergent plate](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divergent_plate), Nate. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/2 "2011-09-27T16:59:58Z")
Love it. Tie yourself to a turtle, Myrtle. ---
**Author:** ![Teufelblitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@Teufelblitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teufelblitz)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/3 "2011-09-27T17:36:02Z")
Take a military tank, Hank. Drive away in a beater, Skeeter. Bounce on a pogo, Moe. Scoot away on your butt, Mutt. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/4 "2011-09-27T18:11:32Z")
Scatter delicious monkey treats (A) on the ground, causing monkey (B) to vacate basket attached to balloon ©, which will rise, pulling cover off of birdcage (D) containing parrot (E), who will squawk at the light, startling bowler (F), who drops his ball on balance beam (G), propelling you into the air towards escape tube, Rube. ---
**Author:** ![Teufelblitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@Teufelblitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teufelblitz)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/5 "2011-09-27T18:15:17Z")
> [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](#): > > Scatter delicious monkey treats (A) on the ground, causing monkey (B) to vacate basket attached to balloon (C), which will rise, pulling cover off of birdcage (D) containing parrot (E), who will squawk at the light, startling bowler (F), who drops his ball on balance beam (G), propelling you into the air towards escape tube, Rube. Hah! ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/6 "2011-09-27T19:36:14Z")
Thread won. Thanks, **Biffy**. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/7 "2011-09-28T04:26:48Z")
To leave your stuff there, Claire, and have to go back for it, Mort. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/8 "2011-09-28T06:04:21Z")
Stick around and outlive her, River. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/9 "2011-09-28T06:07:36Z")
Well, you could declare a “War on Relationships” and wage it in the same manner as the war on drugs. Forty years later, your progress will remain slight at best. ---
**Author:** ![mac\_bolan00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b3f665/32.png) [@mac\_bolan00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mac_bolan00)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/10 "2011-09-28T07:43:51Z")
move next door, fydor. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/11 "2011-09-28T09:32:26Z")
Hop a ride on a snail, Gayle Hold your breath till you’re blue, Lou Slide away in your socks, Fox Leave bit by bit, Mitt Climb up the laundry chute, Newt ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/12 "2011-09-28T10:28:30Z")
Write a “Dear John” on the Moon, June ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/13 "2011-09-28T10:37:03Z")
Wait for those quantums to jump, Gump Idle as her protons decay, Uday Wriggle away like a snake, Jake Wait for the expansion of space, Jace ---
**Author:** ![Paranoid\_Randroid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paranoid_randroid/32/18_2.png) [@Paranoid\_Randroid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paranoid_Randroid)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/14 "2011-09-28T12:44:50Z")
Convince her you’re not into dames, James. Hitch a ride with a furry, Murray. Launch yourself from a giant catapult, Schultz. ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/15 "2011-09-28T13:33:12Z")
Flap your arms like a bird, Jerd. Emulate a snail, Dale. Put a message in a bottle, Myrtle. Dig a tunnel with a spoon, Boon. Tell it in confesssional, Lionel. Forget to leave, Steve. Whistle slightly out of tune, June. Hail a taxi with your bum, Chum. Train a parrot just to say, Ray. Forget one birthday in three, Carey. Put it off a year or two, Sue. Write it in a fiendish code, Bode. Maybe she’ll die first, Hirst. Place an ad in Chad, Brad. Thumb a lift on Santa’s sleigh, Trey. Tape the letter to the ark, Mark. Design a teleporter, Peter. Just wait for the rapture, Harold. Ascend to another plane, Dwayne. Throw her to the Sar’lacc, Mac. Employ a thousand monkeys, Monty. Count on entropy, Suzy-Lee. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/16 "2011-09-28T14:55:25Z")
Book a ride in hearse, Judd Blame it on the boogie, Googie Find grounds not to keep her, Willy Tell her she’s a turd, Richard III ---
**Author:** ![Paranoid\_Randroid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paranoid_randroid/32/18_2.png) [@Paranoid\_Randroid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paranoid_Randroid)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/17 "2011-09-28T15:35:13Z")
Fake your own death, Beth. Get her struck by a levin, Kevin. Lock her up in the zoo, Matthew. Accuse him of being a molester, Esther. Find someone else to marry, Gary. Hog the rest of the flan, Dawn. Engage in serial infidelity, Melody. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/18 "2011-09-28T15:35:49Z")
Tell her you’re taking her on a secret romantic holiday, hire a bunch of people to distract her at the airport so she doesn’t notice the destination and then once you get her on the airplane chloroform her, put a blanket over her to make it look like she’s sleeping and get off the plane again so that when she comes to after the plane has departed she’ll discover that she’s alone with a one-way ticket to Ulan Bator, Igor. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/19 "2011-09-28T16:31:51Z")
Dial out over 1200 baud, Maude. Submit a bill to the Senate, Bennett. Try O(n^n), Ken. Make it NP complete, Pete. Skip the warp zone and play through the water level, Ethel. Wait for the old lady in front of you at the checkout to fish out that last cent, Kent. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2011, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763/20 "2011-09-28T17:30:49Z")
Tell her you are gay, Jay. Shoot her with a rifle, Eifel. Tell her she’s a bitch, Rich. Tell her to go fuck, Chuck. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-efficient-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597763.md?page=2)