# Least Rocking "Hard Rock" Song? Kind Of Pointless **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 11, 2008, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161 "2008-01-11T18:19:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Just\_Ed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Just\_Ed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Ed)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/21 "2008-01-12T00:22:14Z")
I’ll see your Kiss and raise you Bon Jovi. That that purely commercial blow-dried narcissist even considers himself a serious rocker is nauseatingly hilarious: “I’ve seen a million faces . . . And I’ve _rocked_ them all!” No. No you haven’t, Jon. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/22 "2008-01-12T01:01:03Z")
Lord, how to add to what’s been mentioned? Although you guys are unjustly hard on KISS. They did have the demonic lyrics to “God Of Thunder”…_god of thunder, and rock-n-roll…the spell you’re under, will slowly rob you of your virgin SOUL!!.._ 🙂 How about Dokken, anything by Warrant…“Seventeen”, the ode to pedophilia by Winger’s gay ass… I have more but I’m finding it hard to pick ones that aren’t intentional suck-ass ballads by so-called “hard rock” bands…which apparently are disqualified… ---
**Author:** ![Huerta88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/82dd89/32.png) [@Huerta88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Huerta88)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/23 "2008-01-12T01:16:15Z")
I think I left out two generic categories: Transparently fake “Satanic” trappings, once stripped away, have a way of revealing fairly dorky middle of the road musicians. Ozzy (who started out in a folk-covers band IIRC) always struck me as trying way, way to hard to sell the crazy rocker image. “Iron Man’s” a pretty silly song. Marilyn Manson (again maybe not even holding himself out as a rocker per se) has been a joke since the word go. And . . . Zep. Just when they get to really wailing, you realize that Plant is screaming about . . . Hobbits. He’s a likable and talented guy, but bringing the rock Lothlorien style – not sure I see it. ---
**Author:** ![D\_White](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/839c29/32.png) [@D\_White](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_White)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/24 "2008-01-12T01:23:16Z")
[QUOTE=FoieGrasIsEvil] “Seventeen”, the ode to pedophilia by Winger’s gay ass… [/quote] Pedophilia schmedophilia. Winger is from NYC and 17 is legal in NY (and most other states). ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/25 "2008-01-12T03:12:16Z")
[QUOTE=jackelope] Every time I hear “Wild Thing” by the Troggs, I’m amazed at how quickly and totally a flute solo can bring an otherwise hard-rocking song to a standstill. [/QUOTE] Nitpick: _ocarina_ solo. ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/26 "2008-01-12T04:35:20Z")
[QUOTE=Biffy the Elephant Shrew] Nitpick: _ocarina_ solo. [/QUOTE] My bad. I retract my previous statement; now the solo _rocks balls_! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/27 "2008-01-12T04:57:17Z")
[QUOTE=Jophiel] Not really what the OP wanted but this quote from **Air Supply** ’s “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All” is always good for a chuckle: > [@](#): > > I can make the run or stumble, > I can make the final block; > And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle, > I can make all the stadiums rock. Sure you can, guys :dubious: [/QUOTE] To be fair, MLOONAA was written by Jim Steinman, who could be nominated in this thread all by himself. He was Meat Loaf’s lyricist and also wrote songs such as “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and “Holding Out For A Hero” for Bonnie Tyler. ---
**Author:** ![Talon\_Karrde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Talon\_Karrde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Talon_Karrde)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/28 "2008-01-12T05:23:22Z")
[QUOTE=jackelope] Every time I hear “Wild Thing” by the Troggs, I’m amazed at how quickly and totally a flute solo can bring an otherwise hard-rocking song to a standstill. [/QUOTE] Blasphemy. That flute solo is great. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/29 "2008-01-12T05:38:50Z")
Bon Jovi. “Wanted Dead or Alive”. This thread can now be closed. “I’m a cowboy! On a steel horse I ride!” But it just goes to show you how fine a line you really have to walk here, because if this song were even a little better, it might be great. But it -just- misses its mark, and that makes it sound even more pathetic. I should add that I don’t even mind the song, and it’s a hoot to play in Rock Band. As a tuneful ditty, it succeeds. As hard rock? Not so much. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/30 "2008-01-12T06:26:00Z")
[QUOTE=ultrafilter] I’ve seen Train described as a hard rock band, so I guess “Drops of Jupiter” is fair to nominate. [/QUOTE] Considering that their OTHER radio-play hit was the inane “Meet Virginia”, I don’t see them as “hard rock”. But I’ve never heard anything other than “Drops of Jupiter” and “Meet Virginia”, so I’m not really qualified to judge, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/31 "2008-01-12T06:42:34Z")
[QUOTE=FoieGrasIsEvil] Although you guys are unjustly hard on KISS. [/QUOTE] I agree. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with KISS. ---
**Author:** ![mr.jp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/48db29/32.png) [@mr.jp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.jp)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/32 "2008-01-12T10:10:31Z")
[QUOTE=Huerta88] I’d certainly nominate “Rock 'n Roll All Night,” or anything else by KISS, as among the least threatening songs ever. How those clowns were ever considered menacing or “rock” is beyond me. [/QUOTE] I agree with Rock 'n Roll All Night. However I think Kiss has made a few songs that pass as hard rock. Such as “She”. ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/33 "2008-01-12T14:26:30Z")
The song [Best I Can](http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Best-I-Can-lyrics-Queensryche/737739AEFD2E7BA248256946000043D6) by **Queensryche** sounds like a rocker, but has lyrics that should be on a telethon. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/34 "2008-01-12T15:18:32Z")
[QUOTE=FoieGrasIsEvil] Lord, how to add to what’s been mentioned? Although you guys are unjustly hard on KISS. They did have the demonic lyrics to “God Of Thunder”…_god of thunder, and rock-n-roll…the spell you’re under, will slowly rob you of your virgin SOUL!!.._ 🙂 [/QUOTE] [Forgive me.](http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=666) Every time I hear something like that I get reminded of that comic. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/35 "2008-01-12T15:43:53Z")
I actually like a lot of hair metal bands, even if they don’t deserve to be taken seriously. The kinds of “hard rock” songs that really irritate me are the ones done by AOR/mellow pop artists who decide they can cop an attitude, play a few power chords and become tough-guy rockers. Think of a wimp like Kenny Loggins doing “Highway to the Danger Zone.” That’s “hard rock” at its lamest. No wait, there’s ONE lamer example of hard rock. I hesitate to share it, because you may have nightmares… or you may bleed to death after laughing your ass off. [![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FONt47Z0KZg) ---
**Author:** ![casdave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@casdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/casdave)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/36 "2008-01-12T16:07:45Z")
Here’s a winner, “I surrender” Rainbow I surrender, I surrender I’m giving up the role of pretender Oh be tender, girl be tender Can’t you feel the love that I send you I surrender. I surrender, I surrender ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/37 "2008-01-12T16:27:36Z")
Sometimes songs written in English when English is not the band’s first language can sound unintentionally funny and lame. The Scorpions come to mind as an example,’ “Bad boys running wild, and you better get out of the way! Bad boys running wild!” ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/38 "2008-01-12T16:35:36Z")
I think Dangerous Toys’ “Scared” misses the mark by a good bit, as does Slaughter’s “Up All Night”. ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/39 "2008-01-12T16:37:14Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] Sometimes songs written in English when English is not the band’s first language can sound unintentionally funny and lame. The Scorpions come to mind as an example,’ “Bad boys running wild, and you better get out of the way! Bad boys running wild!” [/QUOTE] Oh yes. Google the lyrics to Gorky Park’s “Bang” for another example. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2008, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161/40 "2008-01-12T19:43:47Z")
[QUOTE=ultrafilter] I’ve seen Train described as a hard rock band, so I guess “Drops of Jupiter” is fair to nominate. [/QUOTE] I don’t think so. Train is an American “trad-rock” band, similar to Hootie and the Blowfish, Counting Crows, and The Wallflowers (basically a more radio friendly “Jam Band”). By definition, they are softer than Hard Rock bands like Motley Crue or Van Halen. I think we had a winner at Europe’s The Final Countdown. If we are excluding power ballads, some other nominations are: Asia - Heat of the Moment Van Halen - When It’s Love Def Leppard - Animal [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/least-rocking-hard-rock-song-kind-of-pointless/433161.md?page=3)