# "Leave him to me, boys! That bastard killed my pappy!" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 19, 2015, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146 "2015-10-19T15:37:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/1 "2015-10-19T15:37:56Z")
So let’s say that you have somehow become commanding officer of the **Black-Eyed Jacks** , the U.N.'s daring, highly trained, special mission force, tasked with defending human freedom against **Python** , a ruthless terrorist organization determined to conquer the Earth. You’ve been at the job for while now, and it’s gotten personal between you and the Python Commandant. He hates you because you keep foiling his evil schemes; you hate him on account of that day he murdered your father; mutilated and crippled your brother; burned your ranch; shot your dog; and stole your Bible. Anyhoo, due to your brilliant generalship and personal badassery (you got the same super-soldier treatment as Captain America), the Jacks have finally knotted Python’s coils. Your troops are storming the bad guys’ headquarters, an assault you’re leading personally. You’re leading a squad into the heart of the Snakepit when you encounter the Commandant (whom you are under orders to bring in alive or dead, but preferably the latter, as he’s already been sentence to death by the World Court for nuking London, Edinburgh, Dublin, and Belfast in a single day). Your squad cuts off his escape, but due to an unexpected vampire attack in the middle of the battle, both the Jacks and the Commandant are out of ammo. In his disgusting hiss, he says he’ll take the whole squad on if that’s what it takes, but no matter what he’s gonna make sure to kill you. The Commandant has also received the super-soldier treatment. You two have gone mano a mano six times before; you won thrice times, he won twice, and the last time y’all had to stop mid-fight and work together to defeat an attacking T-Rex. The Commandant is alone. Oh, and the twelve guys in your squad, while all genuine badasses, are only norms. Do you fight the Commandant solo? Why or why not? Ridiculous answers not merely allowed but actually preferred. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/2 "2015-10-19T15:48:59Z")
Sure, I’ll take him on alone. The norms don’t stand a chance and they’ll just get in the way. And I want to slowly break and twist his body in the most painful ways possible. My father was old, my brother was pretty useless anyway, that ranch was a lot of work, and I was just using that Bible to prop open a window, but that bastard shot my dog and I’m gonna make him suffer for that. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/3 "2015-10-19T15:50:37Z")
Not only No but Fuck No. The object is to put him down, not satisfy my childish revenge fantasies. I’d go for a grapple attack and keep The Commandant from attacking while my squad bashes him in the head with big rocks and make with the stabby-stab with their Official Black-Eyed Jacks Pocket Commando Knives. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/4 "2015-10-19T15:54:09Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Not only No but Fuck No. The object is to put him down, not satisfy my childish revenge fantasies. I’d go for a grapple attack and keep The Commandant from attacking while my squad bashes him in the head with big rocks and make with the stabby-stab with their Official Black-Eyed Jacks Pocket Commando Knives. You forgot the BFGs. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/5 "2015-10-19T15:57:38Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > You forgot the BFGs. The OP clearly states that the BFGs are all out of ammo due to the unexpected vampire attack. Your lack of reading comprehension sickens me. I have instructed the Catering Department to reduce your orange sherbet ration by two-thirds, ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/6 "2015-10-19T16:04:09Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > The OP clearly states that the BFGs are all out of ammo due to the unexpected vampire attack. > > Your lack of reading comprehension sickens me. I have instructed the Catering Department to reduce your orange sherbet ration by two-thirds, They still make better impact weapons than rocks. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/7 "2015-10-19T16:06:34Z")
No… I’d happily let my subordinates take him out if that’s the best way to do the job, mostly because I would be able to hear my Dad saying “NO! Stab him while he’s down! Don’t do single combat! That’s stupid!” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/8 "2015-10-19T16:32:21Z")
> [@bump](#): > > No… I’d happily let my subordinates take him out if that’s the best way to do the job, mostly because I would be able to hear my Dad saying “NO! Stab him while he’s down! Don’t do single combat! That’s stupid!” You can’t seriously be suggesting that _I_ was suggesting a clean fight. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/9 "2015-10-19T16:32:58Z")
If we’re so closely matched, the troops may be what tips the scales (so to speak), and I’m not going to take any unnecessary chances of letting him slip away. I’ll tank him while they look for openings. They’re normals, but they’re highly trained badass normals; I would trust them to know when to take a shot and when to get out of the way. If I manage to take him down before they get any licks in, so be it, but I’m not going to gamble on it. Also, while I don’t care about the Bible, I’m a trifle disappointed that there’s no “Joan Wilder? _The_ Joan Wilder?” option. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/10 "2015-10-19T16:44:26Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > If we’re so closely matched, the troops may be what tips the scales (so to speak), and I’m not going to take any unnecessary chances of letting him slip away. I’ll tank him while they look for openings. They’re normals, but they’re highly trained badass normals; I would trust them to know when to take a shot and when to get out of the way. If I manage to take him down before they get any licks in, so be it, but I’m not going to gamble on it. > > Also, while I don’t care about the Bible, I’m a trifle disappointed that there’s no “Joan Wilder? _The_ Joan Wilder?” option. Grogan raped and murdered Joan’s MOTHER. Not being a bastard, she had no brothers. And I am en-fucking-raged that you couldn’t be arsed to supply a picture of 1982!Kathleen Turner. ---
**Author:** ![txtumbleweed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@txtumbleweed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/txtumbleweed)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/11 "2015-10-19T16:45:17Z")
I’m not proud, nor do I believe in fighting fair and I’ll take any advantage I can get, fair, unfair, or downright mean. If my team can knife Python in the back while I distract him, so much the better. And new snakeskin boots all around! ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/12 "2015-10-19T16:52:24Z")
I challenge him to fight me solo and bare handed, but my squad knows what’s going on so when he’s distracted, or especially if he’s got me pinned/held/choked and starts the monologue, they’ll rush him with knives or whatever backup weapons they have. I’m not really the squeaky-clean hero type 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/13 "2015-10-19T17:38:20Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > And I am en-fucking-raged that you couldn’t be arsed to supply a picture of 1982!Kathleen Turner. I assumed that you, being a man of resource, already had copies of all such images. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/14 "2015-10-19T17:47:47Z")
Zoë: Jayne. This is something the captain has to do for himself. Mal: No. No, it’s not! Zoë: Oh! ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/15 "2015-10-19T17:58:26Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > The OP clearly states that the BFGs are all out of ammo due to the unexpected vampire attack. They’ve still got bayonets, right? Those are almost as good as wooden stakes just in case the Commandant is already secretly a vampire. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/16 "2015-10-19T18:00:10Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > I assumed that you, being a man of resource, already had copies of all such images. Your insolence forces me to unleash the Rear-Window-ers Grace-Kelly model slapbots. ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/17 "2015-10-19T18:40:24Z")
I immediately thought of this always appropriate quote from Spaceballs: Princess Vespa: My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! My version? My dog, he shot my dog. Son of a bitch! NO ONE shoots my dog and gets away with it. Although I’m normally a mild-mannered HR lady, like Princess Vespa, there are somethings that are sacrosanct. I’m blowin’ this sucker away. Singlehandedly. And I may do it twice! ---
**Author:** ![Aquadementia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aquadementia/32/555_2.png) [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/18 "2015-10-19T18:53:09Z")
Black-Eyed Jackes sounds like a great name for a British squad, therefor I would suggest Marquess of Queensberry rules. I expect when he’s down he will pull a dagger sized light saber out of his sock, being a blaggard it will be red, and try to attack me with it the second my back is turned. One of my men will yell out “Watch it Gov’nr!” which will be my cue to artfully turn and dodge the attack causing the Commandant to fall on his weapon and die by his own hand. I’ll give one of my sanctimonious quips and we’ll be back to base in time for kippers. ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/19 "2015-10-19T18:57:03Z")
So it’s 13 on 1? I see absolutely no reason to give up the advantage. ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2015, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-him-to-me-boys-that-bastard-killed-my-pappy/735146/20 "2015-10-19T19:03:48Z")
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