# Leave it to The Onion to quell a lot of "Great" Debates... **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [October 25, 1999, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874 "1999-10-25T21:53:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/1 "1999-10-25T21:53:00Z")
From [The Onion](http://www.theonion.com): **Legislators Still Concerned About Key Non-Issues** WASHINGTON, DC–With Americans increasingly concerned about the Social Security crisis and nuclear threats abroad, a coalition of leading congressmen restated their long-standing commitment Monday to such non-issues as flag-burning, school prayer and Internet porn. “Make no mistake, Congress is still deeply committed to these inconsequential matters,” Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. “As long as we are in office, we will continue to clog up the legislative process with this trivial dross.” Hatch said citizens should feel free to e-mail his office with any other non-issues they feel are being overlooked. * * * Yer pal, Satan ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 1999, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/2 "1999-10-25T22:50:00Z")
And that 7-year-old girl who died trying to pilot a Cessna across the continent! Don’t forget about her, Congressmen! She was a _cute seven-year-old girl!_ You Congressmen don’t _hate_ cute 7-year-old girls, _do you?!!_ ---
**Author:** ![David\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/51bf81/32.png) [@David\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_B)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/3 "1999-10-26T00:42:00Z")
And don’t forget to keep peeking into the bedrooms of people you don’t like! (While ignoring well-known affairs of those who are your allies.) ---
**Author:** ![SanibelMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@SanibelMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanibelMan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/4 "1999-10-26T02:36:00Z")
My school lunch isn’t hot enough. Do something about it. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/5 "1999-10-26T03:52:00Z")
Dammit, if Congress would just pass a mandatory school uniform amendment, all these other issues would go away. ---
**Author:** ![JBENZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b77776/32.png) [@JBENZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBENZ)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/6 "1999-10-26T10:20:00Z")
Yeah! And don’t forget putting up the Ten Commandments (King James Version only of course) in all the classrooms so the little dears will stop doing drugs and shooting each other and watching “South Park” & stuff. * * * JB Lex Non Favet Delictorum Votis ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/7 "1999-10-26T13:09:00Z")
Dagnabbit, Benz, they need to use the time honored Coverdale translation. None of this modernist King James crap! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/8 "1999-10-26T13:45:00Z")
No, Poly, the Geneva translation is the one. And use the original script, as well. The younguns will be so busy trying to decipher “f” from “s” and “v” from “u” that they won’t have time to do bad things. * * * The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik ---
**Author:** ![occ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8c91f0/32.png) [@occ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/occ)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/9 "1999-10-26T15:09:00Z")
Man, can’t forget about the school uniform issue. Come on, people! Teenagers’ right to EXPRESS THEMSELVES is at stake here! ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/10 "1999-10-26T15:19:00Z")
It’s the Beatles’ fault… them and their long hair. If we hadn’t let them in the country, we wouldn’t be in the fix we’re in now. Tighten up the immigration laws! Keep them foreigners out! … unless they support the NRA, of course, then it’s OK to let them in. ---
**Author:** ![divemaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/divemaster/32/78_2.png) [@divemaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/divemaster)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/11 "1999-10-26T15:26:00Z")
Yeah, and while you’re at it, do something about the water levels in our toilets! If I see _one_ more bowl full of water…I’ll… Oh, wait…never mind. ---
**Author:** ![David\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/51bf81/32.png) [@David\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_B)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/12 "1999-10-26T16:38:00Z")
How about passing a law to force subliminal messages containing the 10 Commandments into all Beatles recordings? ---
**Author:** ![Therealbubba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/db5fbb/32.png) [@Therealbubba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Therealbubba)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 1999, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/13 "1999-10-27T05:27:00Z")
I wish they’d some something about Halloween. My kids get to dress up at school in devil costums, but godless deny us our creationism. Oh yeah, and what about all of those Mexicans speaking spanish at the grocery store? I think they’re talking about me! Therealbubba ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 1999, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/14 "1999-10-27T05:43:00Z")
And gays in the military! We can’t allow those filthy, immoral homosexuals to get shot at and die! That’s a privilege reserved only for us God-fearing heterosexuals. ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 1999, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/15 "1999-10-26T18:51:00Z")
Pi has too many digits. – Sylence * * * And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references. ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 1999, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/16 "1999-10-27T13:32:00Z")
_Sylence: Pi has too many digits._ One state legislature agreed. They passed a law stating that pi would be 3 period. Morons. ---
**Author:** ![David\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/51bf81/32.png) [@David\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_B)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 1999, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/17 "1999-10-27T13:39:00Z")
Not quite, AWB. Check out [http://www.snopes.com/spoons/faxlore/pi.htm](http://www.snopes.com/spoons/faxlore/pi.htm) If you’re thinking of the recent claim, it was a hoax. If you’re thinking of Indiana, their House passed a similar measure back in 1897, but it died in the Senate (thus it was never passed as a law). The site doesn’t mention what the value was, but my memory tells me it wasn’t 3, but 3.1 or something. ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 1999, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/18 "1999-10-27T22:23:00Z")
You know who’s fault it is, it’s all those damn midgets… “little people” my ass, they’re midgets… when they stopped being the fodder for jokes and taunting this whole country went to hell in a handbag! * * * Magnificent to behold - Greatly to be praised. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 1999, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/19 "1999-10-29T00:35:00Z")
David B wrote, re Indiana’s old proposed pi bill: > [@](#): > > The site doesn’t mention what the value was, but my memory tells me it wasn’t 3, but 3.1 or something. Worse. It would have have FOUR distinct values, under the “theories” that that particular bill would’ve put in Indiana’s school textbooks. The whole thing was basically a scam perpetrated by one man. He came up with his own hair-brained “alternative mathematics” theories (such as how to square a circle with only a compass and straightedge), and then told the Indiana Legislature that he’d give them all patent rights to his theories if they’d put it in their school’s mathematics texts. Thankfully, that bible passage about a molten sea 10 cubits across and 30 cubits around was NOT the motivation for the deal. * * * Quick-N-Dirty Aviation: Trading altitude for airspeed since 1992. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 1999, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874/20 "1999-10-29T06:16:00Z")
> [@](#): > > You know who’s fault it is, it’s all those damn midgets… “little people” my ass, they’re midgets… when they stopped being the fodder for jokes and taunting this whole country went to hell in a handbag! I don’t think it’s fair to place the blame for all of our nation’s problems on midgets. After all, they’re only a small percentage of our population. (Hanging my head in shame for actually having stolen a joke from Rip Taylor.) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-it-to-the-onion-to-quell-a-lot-of-great-debates/16874.md?page=2)