# "Leave me alone" MEANS Leave Me Alone! \*Stalker Rant\* **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 17, 2004, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901 "2004-03-17T20:22:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bouncer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9d8465/32.png) [@Bouncer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bouncer)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/21 "2004-03-18T05:11:16Z")
Hmm… My understanding is that while stalkers may chose anyone at random, usually, it’s someone they find attractive who may or may not have flirted with them. After that, it’s a control fight. See, if they can make you react they can “control” you and thus feel that they have a relationship with you. (Hey, I never said the mind of a whacko was a neatly linear thing!). Point is two-fold… if you are naturally outgoing or flirtatious that may be a small part of what created the incidents. It’s a small part, because what the stalker is usually really after is a response. When they get a response they overreact to that, and get into this cycle of stalking behavior to get response and stalk some more. Their provocation leads to your response which validates their ability to be “part of your life”. I mean, if he were a simple rapist he’d not be showing up outside locked doors and staring at you. He’d be hiding near your car and you’d likely not see him until just before the attack. There wouldn’t be a whole lot of warning. With this, the cycle of provoke/response spins up until there is an attack or the cycle is broken by some other event, like you moving in the dead of night to some other place etc etc, or a police intervention. Needless to say, unless you plan on moving to another state at 2am, or walking around with a 9mm in your hand all the time you really should get the police involved early. The sooner you break the cycle or at least document the issues for use in court, the more likely he is to try and find easier prey. As to why you attract jerks err… can’t really speak to that. Perhaps you are lucky at cards? 🙂 Or perhaps you’re going after the hunky cake boy that 900 other girls have also hit on, and who is used to being able to get away with being an emotional juvenile because he’s never actually had to grow up and have an adult relationship with someone. Because, after all, all these girls are flirting with him. Being crude, I once heard the concept expressed this way. “See that gorgeous girl?” “Who her?” “Yeah. She’s really pretty and has a great voice too!” “Yeah, well. I heard she was terrible in the sack.” “Really? Why?” “Because she can be.” (Like I said, it’s crude) But hopefully it makes the point. Anywhoo, I’m glad you got out of this okay and would strongly encourage you to involve the police sooner if it ever happens again. Regards, -Bouncer- ---
**Author:** ![Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Special_Agent_Jazz)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/22 "2004-03-18T05:48:10Z")
Wow, lots of responses while I was away at work. As for my personality, **avabeth** who posts here frequently knows me personally and I think she can tell you, I’m not one to encourage anything. I don’t flirt, I don’t really pay much attention to people in general. I’m abit leery about people in general (due to being hurt in the past). I’m more of an animal person and spend a great deal of time riding my horse or playing with the dog at home. If I’m not riding my horse, I’m at the studio editing. In question of security, our security sucks. That’s just the case. I know my boss is looking to moving the studio elsewhere but for now, I’m looking after my own back. Yes, I tend to feel guilty about things. I take on too much and tend to blame myself for everything that goes wrong. It’s just habit and being told when I was younger that I was to blame for things…so it’s a habit I’m trying to break! BTW, I wish I was hot! LOL! My friends say I’m pretty and cute but they are biased, aren’t they suppose to say those things? 🙂 Thanks for your advise. The police are more involved now. It’s partially my fault for not having them involved sooner. Jazz ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/23 "2004-03-18T11:08:32Z")
> [@deb2world](#): > > Do you have a male friend who is willing to front as your boyfriend? It would be best if this guy was large and muscular. That might not be the best idea. In the short run, yeah, it’s a good idea to have an escort, to fend off attacks and serve as a witness. But **Jazz** has already proven that she can defend herself physically, so no need for a bodyguard. In the long run, though, trumping up a “boyfriend” can just send the stalker on another tangent. “Look who she’s with now! Boy, I bet that guy’s a real controlling jerk! Look how he never lets her go anywhere alone! She really needs me to save her from him!” The site **MoodIndigo** linked to mentioned a couple of instances where a stalking victim’s “protector” was attacked by the stalker because he was seen as an obstacle. And **Jazz** , don’t expect that restraining order to work any miracles. As my mom said when my sister was being stalked by her ex, “The kind of person you have to get a restraining order **against** isn’t going to **give** a shit about a restraining order.” You’re already doing what you can by not taking his calls and by watching your back. But just out of curiosity, in what way are the cops “more involved”? ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/24 "2004-03-18T12:30:16Z")
> [@Special Agent Jazz](#): > > Thanks for your advise. The police are more involved now. It’s partially my fault for not having them involved sooner. > > Jazz That is the only thing that is your fault. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/25 "2004-03-18T13:28:06Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > And **Jazz** , don’t expect that restraining order to work any miracles. As my mom said when my sister was being stalked by her ex, “The kind of person you have to get a restraining order **against** isn’t going to **give** a shit about a restraining order.” You’re already doing what you can by not taking his calls and by watching your back. But just out of curiosity, in what way are the cops “more involved”? What you said about restraining orders is true. The stalker doesn’t give a flying fuck. What an order DOES DO is compell the cops to act whenever the stalker is around. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/26 "2004-03-18T14:31:45Z")
Must…contain…seething…rage… **Jazz** , I just need to know his name and address. He won’t bother you no more. Trust me. :mad: Man, something about stalkers just enrages me like nothing else… **Ashtar** , Canadians aren’t allowed to have concealed carry permits, except in extreme circumstances. Didn’t you know that guns are just far too dangerous for us? Basically, you have to be murdered in order to be granted one. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![cowgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@cowgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cowgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/27 "2004-03-18T14:55:49Z")
If I was in that situation (and of course it’s very easy for me to say because I’m not, so I don’t want to be too presumptuous) I’d really think about getting a dog. Their presence is very comforting - you’d never be alone (especially if your boss wouldn’t mind if you brought the dog to work), and I think your ‘friend’ would be more apt to stay away from you if he thought he might get bitten/attacked, or even if he thought his plan would be interrupted by a little furry thing barking like crazy. 'Course, getting a dog is a big commitment, and getting one solely for this purpose may not be a great idea. But if it was something you were thinking about anyway … ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/28 "2004-03-18T15:23:22Z")
Little! Heck, I’d go for a Great Dane. Sweet-natured as they are, their size tends to scare off a lot of people. But they’re indoor dogs, and you might not want a 150-lb dog in your house. ---
**Author:** ![Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Special_Agent_Jazz)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/29 "2004-03-18T17:10:21Z")
Well, even though I filed the restraining order, I’m still bugging the police on catching the guy. So they are looking for him. He hasn’t surfaced but I have a feeling that he’s just going to pop out of the blue and get me. I would love to have another dog. I had a big Golden Retriever who was completely loyal to me and very protective. He died of old age last year. I still live at home and my mom says absolutely no more dogs. I would like to move out but I’m still paying off my school loans and I have a horse to pay for. That’s the problem with my mother, she doesn’t really care about whether it makes me feel safe or not. She’s not one of those “caring and loving” mothers. I was attacked and said, “I really should get another dog” and she said, “No. You were attacked, deal with it.” Believe me, no support in that department! ---
**Author:** ![cowgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@cowgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cowgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/30 "2004-03-18T17:16:43Z")
so I guess there’s no chance you can bring your horse to the office for protection …? ---
**Author:** ![Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Special_Agent_Jazz)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/31 "2004-03-18T17:34:39Z")
Oh god I wish! Wouldn’t that scare him away? Plus, I don’t need to walk, just get on him and canter away. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/32 "2004-03-18T17:49:10Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > **Ashtar** , Canadians aren’t allowed to have concealed carry permits, except in extreme circumstances. Didn’t you know that guns are just far too dangerous for us? Basically, you have to be murdered in order to be granted one. :rolleyes: Ah, didn’t know the OP was in Canada. Sorry to hear that. 😉 Still, any chance of getting some mace or pepper spray? ---
**Author:** ![cowgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@cowgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cowgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/33 "2004-03-18T18:00:42Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Ah, didn’t know the OP was in Canada. Sorry to hear that. > > Still, any chance of getting some mace or pepper spray? Also illegal, I think, for use vs. humans. But you can buy it for use against dogs. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/34 "2004-03-18T18:04:25Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Ah, didn’t know the OP was in Canada. Sorry to hear that. 😉 > > Still, any chance of getting some mace or pepper spray? Nope, mace is illegal too. The best we can do is file a restraining order and give them a stern warning. “Now, do you _promise_ not to stalk **Special Agent Jazz**?” “Oh, I sure do officer. I mean, she’s got a restraining order and everything!” “Okay then. You _really_ promise, right?” “You betcha ya.” We are allowed to have pepper spray, but I wouldn’t let it make you feel _too_ safe **Jazz**. I’ve heard that people can shrug it off, and it tends to make them angry. But every trunk should have a good sturdy tire iron. For changing tires, of course. A word of caution. If you’re going to change a tire, you better really mean to change it. Or else someone could take the tire iron and change it for you. Up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plain, it’s … **Euphemism Man**! And not to downplay your situation, but I once had a male friend who had a male stalker. Now _that_ dude was a freakshow. Why yes, I did manage to convince him to stop stalking my friend, thanks for asking. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/35 "2004-03-18T18:08:23Z")
> [@cowgirl](#): > > Also illegal, I think, for use vs. humans. But you can buy it for use against dogs. And that stalker is certainly a sonuvvabitch! My apologies to all female dogs everywhere, some of my favorite animals have been bitches. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/36 "2004-03-18T18:20:21Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > Up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plain, it’s … **Euphemism Man**! Who’s alter ego is **Homonym Man**! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/37 "2004-03-18T18:24:24Z")
I am so going to fucking kill you for not telling me this. (For anyone who’s worried, Jazz is one of my best friends - the prior sentence is purely hyperbole…she knows I love her:)) I KNEW something like this was going on. I KNEW there was a reason to be worried about you. I know why you didn’t tell me, but I’m still going to kick your ass. Seriously, my email is no longer bouncing (but use the home address, not work). Expect one from me within FIVE MINUTES. Ava ---
**Author:** ![Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@Special\_Agent\_Jazz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Special_Agent_Jazz)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/38 "2004-03-18T18:41:15Z")
There is a way you can use your keys as a weapon. You put a key between your fingers and use it to jab your opponent. I usually walk with my keys this way now, just in case. However, my brother now drops me to work and my dad picks me up so I don’t actually go outside much anymore except to get dinner which alot of people are wandering the streets then. Everyone is illegal in Canada. Bah! I better go answer **avabeth**'s email before I actually get murdered…by her. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/39 "2004-03-18T18:53:27Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > Nope, mace is illegal too. The best we can do is file a restraining order and give them a stern warning. > > “Now, do you _promise_ not to stalk **Special Agent Jazz**?” > “Oh, I sure do officer. I mean, she’s got a restraining order and everything!” > “Okay then. You _really_ promise, right?” > “You betcha ya.” That’s just fucking stupid. I’m not advocating breaking the law or anything, but if I were in **Jazz’s** position, I might carry something anyway. At least a small knife or something. You’ve simply _got_ to be allowed to protect yourself. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2004, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901/40 "2004-03-18T18:58:34Z")
Hey, **jazz** … Yer kinda _hot!_ d&r 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/leave-me-alone-means-leave-me-alone-stalker-rant/234901.md?page=3)