# "Let them see you now as Mr. and Mrs. Groom's Name" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 12, 2010, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812 "2010-04-12T04:56:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/1 "2010-04-12T04:56:09Z")
I grew up in England. I have absolutely no recollection of married couples being referred to as Mr. and Mrs. Michael Jones, or whatever - they’d always be Mr. Michael and Mrs. Daisybush Jones. In America, this seems to be _de rigeur_. American Dopers: do you find this practice odd? British Dopers: is this practice actually common in the UK and simply unknown to me? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/2 "2010-04-12T05:23:23Z")
It used to be common when I was a kid. Now I think it only happens at the wedding, if there. No one ever refers to my spouse as Ms Shibb Whathisface. She is Mrs Yourenotworthington Whathisface. Actually, we scarcely use Mr or Mrs anymore, either, now I think of it. I’ve also known at least one friend to take his wife’s last name, and another pair who made up a new last name by combining pieces of theirs. In our case, wifey didn’t have a middle name, so she kept her last name as her middle name and both of our kids got the same name as their middle name. Who knows what they’ll do when/if they marry? ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/3 "2010-04-12T08:19:28Z")
I’ve only seen it happen at weddings as well. It might happen in an extremely formal situation, but, otherwise, it’s usually just, for example, Jane and John Doe. (Yes, even if they have different lastnames. I’m live in Conservia.) ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/4 "2010-04-12T08:41:31Z")
The old rule (in the US) was that a married or widowed woman’s name was Mrs. John Q. Smith, or Jane Roe Smith, where Roe would be her maiden name. Her birth middle name was not used after she was married. A divorced woman was known as Mrs. Jane Smith, assuming that she didn’t take her maiden name back. See the difference? Oh, she’s still be called Jane, informally, but after she got married, she didn’t have her own name until and unless she got divorced. These days, of course, a woman is quite likely to keep her maiden last name, especially if she’s already started her career, and almost nobody addresses a married woman as Mrs. John Smith anymore, either. ---
**Author:** ![Wallenstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5a626/32.png) [@Wallenstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallenstein)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/5 "2010-04-12T09:52:25Z")
The upper crust in the UK will still refer to a woman as “Mrs Rupert Cuthbertson-Smythe”, but in business etc most people are “Mrs Jane Everyman” ---
**Author:** ![Ruken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f475e1/32.png) [@Ruken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruken)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/6 "2010-04-12T11:52:25Z")
I find it odd. Somewhat dehumanizing, actually. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/7 "2010-04-12T13:16:21Z")
As do I. Hence the thread. I _was_ specifically referring to weddings (and invitations to same), because I don’t want the officiant to introduce us as Mr. and Mrs. My Name, but her parents are insisting. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/8 "2010-04-12T13:29:25Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I _was_ specifically referring to weddings (and invitations to same), because I don’t want the officiant to introduce us as Mr. and Mrs. My Name, but her parents are insisting. I’m getting married in two weeks and we’re making sure we’re announced as Mr. and Mrs. Antigen and Husband Lastname. I don’t like the concept of being Mrs. John Doe when you have your own name. Most women take their husband’s last name, which I’ll likely also be doing. But to be completely absorbed into his name and just be a tacked-on “Mrs” seems a little antiquated. My invitations were not sent to Mr & Mrs John Doe. They were sent to Mr. John Doe & Mrs Jane Doe. It’s not specifically a feminist protest, I just looked at the names written out in the very formal way with just the husband’s name and it didn’t look right to me. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/9 "2010-04-12T13:46:19Z")
I wouldn’t call my concern feminist either. I personally find it patronizing to _both_ of us - I mean, she’s sort of “losing” her name, but I’m also being forced to share mine. In any case, it’s not as though I’m taking on responsibility for supporting her or anything (though I would, of course) - she makes more money than I do and will continue to until I finish graduate school. She put the down payment on our house, and pays slightly more toward the mortgage than I do. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/10 "2010-04-12T13:51:48Z")
I say it’s your wedding, your call – not her parents’. If anybody referred to me as Mrs. John Doe (were I married), I’d want to smack them. I have a name too, I’m not just an extension of a man. Though I’m quite sure that if I were married my grandma would address mail to me that way. But she’s 89. She still addresses mail to me as “Miss,” which I guess is technically correct but sheesh, Grandma, what’s wrong with Ms? Or no title at all? ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/11 "2010-04-12T13:57:19Z")
Yeah, it’s very old fashioned and almost never done anymore. Except with my grandma, who once sent me a strongly worded note when I sent a Christmas card to “Joseph and Jean Lastname”. Whoops. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/12 "2010-04-12T13:58:22Z")
I’m not going to make an issue out of it. It’s also _her_ wedding, and she wants to do it the traditional way, for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/13 "2010-04-12T13:59:33Z")
I am now going to name my first child “Daisybush”. I hope he doesn’t get bullied. ---
**Author:** ![Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7993a0/32.png) [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamaika_a_jamaikaiake)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/14 "2010-04-12T14:05:25Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > The old rule (in the US) was that a married or widowed woman’s name was Mrs. John Q. Smith, or Jane Roe Smith, where Roe would be her maiden name. Her birth middle name was not used after she was married. Do you have a cite that this was the rule all over the US? My wife’s (from NJ) experience agrees with you , but mine (from IN) does not. Just to clarify, by “this” I mean replacing the middle name with the maiden name. @OP: I’m American, and it’s creepy. My wife’s first name is not Jamaika! (well, she also didn’t change her last name…) ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/15 "2010-04-12T14:06:54Z")
> [@GuanoLad](#): > > I am now going to name my first child “Daisybush”. > > I hope he doesn’t get bullied. He can marry our daughter Daisybush, which ought to solve this problem rather neatly. Well, except for the bullying. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/16 "2010-04-12T14:11:25Z")
I’ve heard it done both ways at weddings. At mine, it was Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe. The other way is more traditional, but a bit antiquated, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/17 "2010-04-12T14:13:10Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > American Dopers: do you find this practice odd? No, I find the practice repugnant. In fact, I find it so objectionable I have severed ties with the 2 or 3 relatives who refuse to address me by my name rather than my husband’s. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/18 "2010-04-12T14:14:44Z")
Normal here, but creeps me right the fuck out. I’m American. My mom is a member of the neighborhood women’s club, and the standard format for addressing letters to members is “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith”. Even when the wife has not changed her last name. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/19 "2010-04-12T14:22:23Z")
It’s very old-fashioned, which, in the way of things, means it’s now seen as very formal. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812/20 "2010-04-12T16:03:04Z")
[For correspondence](http://www.emilypost.com/everyday/forms_of_address.htm), Emily Post, nowadays, says that pretty much anything goes. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/let-them-see-you-now-as-mr-and-mrs-grooms-name/535812.md?page=2)