# Let's cast John Carter of Mars **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 5, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686 "2004-02-05T17:10:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/1 "2004-02-05T17:10:48Z")
Okay, let’s invent a (fictional) movie project: John Carter of Mars. Derring-do on the Red Planet! I Still live! Red Martians! Green Martians! Here’s my first crack at casting it; anyone care to second-guess me? John Carter, Warlord of Mars: Johnny Depp Dejah Thoris, Princess of Mars: Salma Hayek Tars Tarkas, Leader of the Warhoons: CGI Rapas the Ulsio: Danny deVito Ras Thavas, mad scientist: Christopher Walken Director: Peter Jackson Alternate cast: Brendan Fraser, Laura Elena Harring, CGI, Topher Grace, Kiefer Sutherland, Joe Johnston (dir) ---
**Author:** ![Husker\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Husker\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Husker_Dude)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/2 "2004-02-05T17:41:41Z")
I loved those books when I was a kid. John Carter, Warlord of Mars: Daniel Day-Lewis Dejah Thoris, Princess of Mars: Kristin Kreuk – she’s actually a good actress, not that she gets to prove it in Smallville, where her character is so poorly written it’s embarrassing. Except for that early episode where she turns bad. I think she could pull this role off. Tars Tarkas, Leader of the Warhoons: CGI, voiced by whoever does the voice of Moltar on Space Ghost. Rapas the Ulsio: I can’t remember who this character is. Ras Thavas, mad scientist: Same with this one. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/3 "2004-02-05T18:34:16Z")
Rapas the Ulsio was a sleazy squealer type; the ulsio is the Martian equivalent of a rat, though apparently Burroughs wasn’t consistent is describing exactly what it looked like (or the mutation rate for the species was awfully high 😉 ) Ras Thavas, the Master Mind of Mars, was a mad scientist who acquired a considerable expertise in brain transplants. He was useful whenever Burroughs needed an amoral inventor to propel the plot along… ---
**Author:** ![RikWriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/49beb7/32.png) [@RikWriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RikWriter)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/4 "2004-02-05T19:19:37Z")
I am thinking The Rock for John Carter. ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/5 "2004-02-05T19:41:51Z")
The Rock would be good for John, and of course Tars Tarkas would have to be CGI, but they’d want to do an Andy Serkis thing where a real actor’s face is mapped onto Tars’s face. Are there any actors in Hollywood today with tusks? I think Salma Hayek is too short for Dejah Thoris. Dejah should be tall and regal; I nominate Charlize Theron. No opinion about the other choices in the OP, except that I doubt Peter Jackson would be attracted to the project. ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/6 "2004-02-05T19:55:15Z")
Haven’t read it, but I can’t hear “John Carter” without thinking of Noah Wylie. > [@](#): > > **Alternate cast: …Laura Elena Harring** I’ll see anything with this goddess in it. ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/7 "2004-02-05T20:16:33Z")
Not Depp - way too short. Carter is described as tall, which also eliminates the oft-mentioned munchkin Cruise. Rock? I dunno - I always pictured JC as more a slender swimmer/decathlete type. Rock is more a Conan barbarian/brute power guy. Theron… maybe. Or Kidman? Need to see them in a black wig. How about Gene Hackman as Thavas? Lex Luthor goes to Mars! Hackman is a great actor, if not discerning enough about the movies he appears in. But doesn’t Thavas change bodies to a young one? Walken or Hackman can’t play that… ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/8 "2004-02-05T21:38:49Z")
Yes, I agree, the Rock is too brawny. How about Rupert Everitt? ---
**Author:** ![RikWriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/49beb7/32.png) [@RikWriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RikWriter)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2004, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/9 "2004-02-05T22:01:31Z")
Okay, if the Rock is too brawny, how about Hugh Jackman? ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/10 "2004-02-06T02:45:06Z")
While Tars Tarkas is obviously CGI, the voice could be provided by John Rhys-Davies. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/11 "2004-02-06T02:56:52Z")
What about Michael Dorn as the voice of Tars Tarkas? For some reason I always mentally pictured Dejah Thoris as having slightly slanted eyes. Would an actress of Asian heritage work, like Lucy Liu? Or maybe Tia Carrera(sp?) Maybe not, as there were people on Barsoom who definitely had slanted eyes, the yellow race of the north. ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/12 "2004-02-06T03:02:39Z")
For some reason, when I was reading the book I pictured Patrick Warburton as John Carter. I’m sticking with that; he’d do a great job of dead-panning everything so you spend the whole movie not quite sure of whether it’s supposed to be a comedy. Kristin Kreuk is somewhat inspired casting for Dejah Thoris, but she seems a good bit too young. If there were an older version of her, I’d be all behind it. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/13 "2004-02-06T06:37:14Z")
Robert Rodriguiz is the current rumor on who will write the next script for this. ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/14 "2004-02-06T07:16:03Z")
As a lead, Drew Carey. I am serious. He has lost a lot of weight and I could see him providing a Walter Middy sort of angle to the whole thing. (The root problem is that we are out of young male action stars.) Danny DeVito is an excellent choice of the villain. ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/15 "2004-02-06T11:38:26Z")
Aren’t the humans on Mars nude? How would they do that? ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/16 "2004-02-06T13:34:59Z")
As for myself, I try do do nude scenes with a calm, inner pride. It is just _wrong_ to make the other actors feel inadequate. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/17 "2004-02-06T14:34:07Z")
> [@XWalrus2](#): > > Aren’t the humans on Mars nude? > How would they do that? Yep – OK, they wear “harness” on which to hang their gear, and ornamentation, but not clothes per se. And I hope they’d do it with swashbuckling nonchalance. ---
**Author:** ![ddgryphon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8c91f0/32.png) [@ddgryphon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ddgryphon)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/18 "2004-02-06T15:28:40Z")
I don’t have a lot of thoughts on this – however, Catherine Zeta-Jones would be my choice for Dejah Thoris – there may be other capable and attractive actresses available, but she works for me. There really aren’t a lot of Zoftig actresses out there and Catherine isn’t either, but she brings a lot of exotic pluses to the role. I think Cruise could pull off Carter in spite of the height issue. Jackman is a good choice. I think the Rock is a perfectly awful choice. Depp isn’t physically impressive enough and doesn’t play straight well enough either. Orlando Bloom could possibly make a good choice for John Carter. JR Davies is too formal for Tars Tarkas, you need someone with a rougher more primitive qulatiy than he brings. Michael Dorn is a great choice. David Keith would probably also be an excellent choice (I believe he voiced Goliath on Gargoyles). Michael Duncan Clarke would also be a decent choice vocally. I like Hackman for Ras, but I think he’s getting a little old. With some makeup, I think Michael Rosenbloom (Young Lex) would be a good choice and could play both the older and younger Ras. (Of course you could play to the Smallville crowd and have John Glover play the older Ras and Rosenbloom play the younger). This could also be an interesting role for Depp – and one he might actually consider. For Rapas, there’s always Troll at large Rob Schneider – though personally, I’d like to encourage him to find another line of work. The best choice would be Paul Giamatti. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/19 "2004-02-06T19:28:28Z")
Tall, not brawny, some acting skill, graceful, capable of doing action stuff. And able to look and act like a Southern gentleman. Gotta be Brendan Fraser. Catherine Zeta-Jones is getting a bit long in the tooth (altho still stunning). I see Dejah Thoris as being in her early twenties (Earth years). I think my dream cast is Brendan Fraser, Laura Elena Harring, CGI, Rob Schneider, and Michael Rosenbloom. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2004, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686/20 "2004-02-06T21:17:13Z")
> [@Rocketeer](#): > > I think my dream cast is Brendan Fraser, Laura Elena Harring, CGI, Rob Schneider, and Michael Rosenbloom. This may be the first and last time that the words ‘dream cast’ and ‘Rob Schneider’ appear in the same sentence. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-cast-john-carter-of-mars/227686.md?page=2)