# Let's come up with totally ridiculous arguments against SSM **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 15, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898 "2010-09-15T22:28:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/61 "2010-09-16T16:56:07Z")
If gays can marry, what’s to stop geographical features, like mountains and lakes, from marrying each other? Or literary concepts? Or tax laws? ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/62 "2010-09-16T17:41:36Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > If gays can marry, what’s to stop geographical features, like mountains and lakes, from marrying each other? Or literary concepts? Or tax laws? What I would give to see that on a protester’s sign! ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/63 "2010-09-16T17:49:47Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > If gays can marry, what’s to stop geographical features, like mountains and lakes, from marrying each other? Or literary concepts? Or tax laws? Or Og forbid, those damned Silly Bandz; ugh. What if _they_ start getting married?? And then, and then (no, I can’t even say it; the _horror_; Oh, OK, I can’t leave you hanging, I’ll say it) what if the Silly Bandz can reproduce? Oh, yeah, I’ve got a 10YO daughter. I already have _enough_ of those fuckers around the house! And if Silly Bandz can reproduce, then soon, you’re going to have gays that want kids, too, and since they’re gay, they’re going to have to find a cooperative _heterosexual-the-way-God-intended-us-to-be_ to help out. But what if they can’t find a cooperative heterosexual? They’re going to have to _kidnap_ heterosexuals, so _they_ (the gays, I mean) can have the same rights as Silly Bandz, and have children. Then, obviously (duh) they’ll raise their children to be gay, and their gay children will have to kidnap _more_ straight people so _they_ can have kids, and before you know it, all the straight people will have been kidnapped, and will be held prisoner as long as they can help with reproduction. When they are too old to do that, the gay people will call up Obama’s Death Panel and go all Kevorkian on their asses. And don’t even get me _started_ on if geographical features decide to reproduce. . .foothills everywhere, I tells ya! ---
**Author:** ![RalfCoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@RalfCoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RalfCoder)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/64 "2010-09-16T18:58:37Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > Because if we show approval of SSM or homosexuality in general, everyone will marry members of their own gender, there won’t be any children, and the species will die out. (Hijacking the thread for a minute…) Uh… I’ve got a short list of people that I think should die off first… Back to you, Jim. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/65 "2010-09-16T20:21:27Z")
> [@LouiseE](#): > > > [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > > > No one will know who’s supposed to wear the garter. > > Why not both? Exactly. Picture two lesbians getting married and both are wearing garters. So they both have to take a turn with the garter ritual. Now imagine them both kneeling down and running their hands up their partner’s legs… up their thighs… and slowly pulling the garter off… caressing each other… You know what? I’m withdrawing my original objection. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/66 "2010-09-16T20:22:44Z")
If they all get married, the gay bars will be empty and I’ll have no one to seduce me into “expanding my horizons.” ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/67 "2010-09-16T20:51:47Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > If they all get married, the gay bars will be empty and I’ll have no one to seduce me into “expanding my horizons.” But on the other hand the parties where you throw your keys in the fruit bowl when you arrive will get a lot more interesting for you. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/68 "2010-09-16T21:40:03Z")
TCM is _already_ playing _South Pacific_. Do you _want_ FOX News to air a production of “La Cage Aux Folles” starring Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck? If we allow gay marriage, the GOP will split into those who really, really hate gays and those who just got gay married. Is it really worth listening to the first group go into an apocalyptic self-loathing rage every time they meet their former companions in the second group? Is it worth the stalking and harassment? How can bands like Korn and Nickelback maintain their fanbases without cultural reasons to become a rage-filled repressed homosexual? Korn is already a casualty of the cultural shift away from homophobia! If we allow SSM, in a few decades it will become so uncontroversial that the heir to the throne currently occupied by Glenn Beck will accept it wholeheartedly. Do you have any idea of how sanctimonious he’ll sound when he claims that Republicans, as the Party of Lincoln, were in support of SSM from the very beginning and had to fight the Eevil Libruls to get it enshrined in law? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/69 "2010-09-16T22:28:23Z")
If they marry, next they are going to want to vote, hold elected office, get driver’s licenses…if we give them an inch they’ll take a mile! ---
**Author:** ![BayouHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BayouHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BayouHazard)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/70 "2010-09-17T03:06:14Z")
Don’t you know gay marriage causes global warming? (It has something to do with the tonnage of hairspray involved, but it’s very mysterious.) And if it becomes legal, we’ll all have to go out and marry the nearest traffic sign! (I call the merge sign) ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/71 "2010-09-17T05:23:51Z")
If we allow gays to marry, then heterosexual males everywhere will be exposed to more gays, which will make them even MORE insecure in their masculinity! And we just can’t have that. If we allow gays to marry, we’ll be seeing more of THEM on the TV! If we allow gays to marry, there’ll be same-sex couples in PUBLIC! They’ll be doing horrible, sick things to each other, like holding hands, or looking lovingly in each other’s eyes, or giving their partner a quick peck on the cheek, or other things that straight couples can do in public without anyone batting an eye! ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/72 "2010-09-17T05:56:27Z")
Infected ingrown hairs! Dementors!! Crippling public debt!!! Damien Omen!!! Fuuuuuuuuck! ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/73 "2010-09-17T07:02:43Z")
Women will marry other women en masse because they’re much better partners than men. The undersexed men will have no choice but to take to the streets and riot, rape, and even worse, go prison gay. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/74 "2010-09-17T14:44:11Z")
If you allow gay marriage, then one of them has to get his dick cut off and sold to China. How do you decide which? ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/75 "2010-09-17T15:01:54Z")
SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack: SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack: SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Snowcarpet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowcarpet/32/257_2.png) [@Snowcarpet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowcarpet)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/76 "2010-09-17T15:03:25Z")
We all know that _all_ gays get a basic-model toaster for coming out… Thus, SSM will lead to further acceptance, more people will come out, and there will be a nationwide shortage of toaters. Somewhere, someone will have to eat untoasted bread. Furthermore, more gay weddings will lead to the mass purchase of celebratory fancy toasters, meaning that some poor staight guy will have to eat limp bagels or mushy frozen pizzas (no more toaster ovens left in the store!) Even worse, those gays will stay married, and have _anniversaries_! There won’t be a single toast-capable appliance left in America! No more sandwich toasters for anyone!!! ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/77 "2010-09-17T15:49:06Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack: > SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack: > SSM-apply directly to the forehead! :smack: > > 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Gedd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gedd/32/4938_2.png) [@Gedd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gedd)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/78 "2010-09-17T16:11:27Z")
SSM will result in there being more weddings which will mean ministers will spend more time performing marriages which leads to less time preaching fire and brimstone. Then the moral values in the world will decrease further to the point where every child is reading \*Harry Potter \*and _Twilight_, spitting on bibles, and become sinful, Satan-loving, virgin-sacrificing, baby seal clubbing democrats! ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/79 "2010-09-17T16:14:39Z")
> [@BayouHazard](#): > > Don’t you know gay marriage causes global warming? You are close to the truth, young one. SSM+Global Warming+Teh Internets=Lesbian Spank Inferno Thus dies the empire, as have many before us. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898/80 "2010-09-17T16:18:40Z")
> [@Gedd](#): > > to the point where every child is reading Harry Potter and Twilight Harry Potter, I don’t mind. But if SSM means my kid will grow up to read Twilight, I say burn all the gays, _now_. Sparkly vegetarian vampires. Hmmmmph. :dubious: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-come-up-with-totally-ridiculous-arguments-against-ssm/553898.md?page=5)