# Let's create the official Straight Dope Mythology **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 14, 2006, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706 "2006-04-14T21:06:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/41 "2006-04-16T16:54:44Z")
As the careful reader hath noted, the exalted **Mr. Goob** hath made note of _hampsters_, whilst the esteemed **ExtraKun** did refer to _hamsters_. This orthographic controversy hath been the impetus for many a discussion on these boards. The compromise view holdeth that Og did bring in hamsters, but that some were not fit for the task of keeping the board running, and did thus perish, while the fittest did survive and mutate into a new species (or at least a subspecies) that became known as _hampsters_. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/42 "2006-04-16T16:58:55Z")
> [@KCSuze](#): > > \ > > Oh learned one, from whence had the Trolls come upon the Garden? I once heard that they were created by the Arch-Number. Is this true? Trolls come and Trolls go - they are as numberless as grains of sand on the beach. And verily did he say unto Thee - there shall come Prophets into your midst, and they will Tell you Many Things about Circumcision and SUVs, and by their mad Raving and Ranting and Foaming At The Mouth you shall know them, and by the Ponies of One Sole Trick. And you Shall listen to them, and be Amused by them, and then you Shall Kick Them Out because they Cause too much Trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/43 "2006-04-16T20:26:33Z")
From below one of the troll bridges there crept a vine, upon which a single grape grew. The grape grew, until it broke off the vine. It proceeded to grape everything in sight, causing much chaos, until it was eventually smited. The Grapist, as it came to be known, had gathered some followers in its short time, and they lamented the loss, saying that its intentions were misunderstood. The board moved on, and the Grapist passed into legend, an example of how one can be amused and annoyed simultaneously. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/44 "2006-04-16T21:55:46Z")
Whilst the smiting of The Grapist was, of course, an act of Og, this deity was without title until given name by the blessed **racinchikki**. Her post (#10) in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=103615) doth reveal her moment of inspiration, for which she hath earned a place in the **Doper** pantheon even though she doth not abide presently in the realm of Perfect Master **Cecil**. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/45 "2006-04-17T17:01:59Z")
… and a messenger of Og appeared unto the faithful Posters, and said, “Lo! and behold! For I _bring_ you glad tidings. For I went away, and now I _have_ come back, and see – I have brought pie!” And the Posters _were_ grateful in their hearts, and they lifted up their voices in righteous praise of pie, but soon their singing ceased, and they were sore worried, for no pie was to be seen in the land. Their joy turned to despair, and there _was_ much weeping and gnashing of teeth. And then the messenger \*did \* make his right hand into the shape of a shooting-gun, and \*said \* to the Posters, “Gotcha ya!” ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/46 "2006-04-17T17:13:33Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > … and a messenger of Og appeared unto the faithful Posters, and said, “Lo! and behold! For I _bring_ you glad tidings. For I went away, and now I _have_ come back, and see – I have brought pie!” > And the Posters _were_ grateful in their hearts, and they lifted up their voices in righteous praise of pie, but soon their singing ceased, and they were sore worried, for no pie was to be seen in the land. Their joy turned to despair, and there _was_ much weeping and gnashing of teeth. > And then the messenger \*did \* make his right hand into the shape of a shooting-gun, and \*said \* to the Posters, “Gotcha ya!” Actually there was pie. Once. In 1960. For 20 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/47 "2006-04-17T17:14:36Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Actually there was pie. Once. In 1960. For 20 minutes. And it was _good_. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/48 "2006-04-17T17:16:16Z")
Many others came to this blessed land, some of them Trolls, some of them with fuzzy coverings, but among them a number of Posters. These New Posters, while not charter, brought news and stories from their distant lands of the existance of the FSM and the IPU and a host of other divine beings. This caused not a small amount of consternation and discussion on such subjects as…who would win, Jesus or the IPU. Over time, these many and varied beliefs have held more or less sway but it is generally accepted that more than one divine one can exist. Though in private some of the Posters hold to the belief that there can be only one. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/49 "2006-04-17T17:30:47Z")
And much like Highlander, there could only be One. The Deities did clash and disagree heartily with each other. The disciples of said deities did hold many arguments in a Forum known as Great Debates. They argued about whose deity could reign supreme and what the deal was with airplane peanuts. Pie was also discussed. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/50 "2006-04-17T17:41:40Z")
And thus the next day was somehow begotten. As in, “Johnny begotten the clap from Sally.” And this day became long and within its parameters there became knownst to the binary and the trolls such things as the MMP, the LoTR, Hi Opal, the Death Ray, the Cooler of Death, and something about a Blimp. Og laugh and like what Og see. Og need new monitor. Og sent leader of community to mountain top to retrieve tablets which contained a loosely defined set of rules which read as follows… ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/51 "2006-04-17T17:51:27Z")
Rule 1: Don’t be a dick. If dickishery is in your heart, Og shall smite you through various channels that Og and only Og has access to. Dicking over your neighbors is to be tried in a court of your peers. If two-thirds of your peers find you guilty of dick-craft, you are to be pilloried for no fewer than 5 days and no more than one year. After that, the perpetrator is to be put on the Altar of Og, when everthing is left to Og’s Divine Mercy. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/52 "2006-04-17T17:53:43Z")
> [@Uncommon Sense](#): > > And thus the next day was somehow begotten. As in, “Johnny begotten the clap from Sally.” > And this day became long and within its parameters there became knownst to the binary and the trolls such things as the MMP, the LoTR, Hi Opal, the Death Ray, the Cooler of Death, and something about a Blimp. Og laugh and like what Og see. > Og need new monitor. > Og sent leader of community to mountain top to retrieve tablets which contained a loosely defined set of rules which read as follows… “Thou shalt not be a jerk” “Thou shalt not have post-count parties” “Thou shalt not change thy user name but one time only” “Thou shalt not create a sock” And the posters bowed, and said, “There is no Og but Og, and Cecil is his prophet (or Ed).” ---
**Author:** ![DiggitCamara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df788c/32.png) [@DiggitCamara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiggitCamara)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/53 "2006-04-17T18:33:52Z")
And Og saw that all was good. But Og also spotted that some threads were gooder than others. And Og said unto his closest disciples: “go forth and report these gooder threads so that all my followers shall partake in their goodness without straying and unnecessary stressing of hampsters”. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/54 "2006-04-17T19:10:35Z")
And Og also noticed that His Rules, on stone tablets, were just too damn heavy to be lugging around. This meant not everyone would know His rules. “Let these rules be put somewhere all can see. Stick them over there.” And the result was that _still_ not all of His followers have ever read the rules. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/55 "2006-04-17T19:37:42Z")
And mighty Og looked around, and saw that if somebody didn’t start paying the piper, the hampsters would be repossessed. And thus Og brought forth … **The Subscription.** And there arose a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from the land. And Og said unto the people “Suck it up.” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/56 "2006-04-17T19:48:29Z")
I don’t think you coded that quite right, **Oy!**. It was more like THE SUBSCRIPTION!!! (It would be even better with thunderbolts and lightning around it.) ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/57 "2006-04-17T19:54:46Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > I don’t think you coded that quite right, **Oy!**. It was more like > THE SUBSCRIPTION!!! > > (It would be even better with thunderbolts and lightning around it.) I humbly beg your pardon for getting the Holy Scripture[sup]TM[/sup] wrong! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/58 "2006-04-17T19:54:58Z")
And lo, there was indeed much Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth when THE SUBSCRIPTION!!! entered The Garden. THE SUBSCRIPTION!!! also caused a great Schism in the Garden, and new Species were Created - The Whiners and The Disappeared. Sometimes The Whiners became The Disappeared, but not until they had Announced Their Intent to Leave and Whined for A While. Full many a Regular Poster was heard to say, “Don’t Let the Door Hit Thine Ass on the Way Out.” ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/59 "2006-04-17T20:00:01Z")
And then came forward the Prophets of Og’s Grace, and lo! THE SUBSCRIPTION!!! of many a poor poster was paid. And the posters did cry “Thanks be unto Og!” ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706/60 "2006-04-17T20:02:38Z")
And Og saw that it was Good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-create-the-official-straight-dope-mythology/352706.md?page=4)