# Let's get some good jokes goin' on here! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 29, 2006, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757 "2006-04-29T18:43:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![homeskillet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7ba0ec/32.png) [@homeskillet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/homeskillet)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2006, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/1 "2006-04-29T18:43:38Z")
_Now that he’s makin’ headlines again I can pull out one of my old favorites._ **What’s the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?** 😕 One’s a FLAMING NAZI GAS BAG and the other is an airship. ---
**Author:** ![hlanelee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@hlanelee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hlanelee)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2006, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/2 "2006-04-29T19:01:08Z")
The daddy ground mole climbs out of the hole, stretches, inhales deeply, and exclaims, “mmmmm, I smell honey!” The momma mole pokes her head out of the hole and agrees, “I smell honey, too!” The baby mole can’t get by and says, "I don’t smell anything but: MOLE ASSES !!! ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2006, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/3 "2006-04-29T21:34:25Z")
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/4 "2006-04-30T00:34:25Z")
What’s the difference between your mother and a duck? I don’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a whore! ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/5 "2006-04-30T00:36:15Z")
Whoops. Disregard the last post. Here’s the real one: What’s the difference between your mother and a duck? One quacks and I don’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a whore. ---
**Author:** ![Taber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ac91a4/32.png) [@Taber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taber)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/6 "2006-04-30T00:37:21Z")
> [@fetus](#): > > What’s the difference between your mother and a duck? One’s a sick duck, and I don’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a whore One’s a sick duck, the other’s a quick fuck ---
**Author:** ![Taber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ac91a4/32.png) [@Taber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taber)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/7 "2006-04-30T00:39:04Z")
> [@Taber](#): > > stuff (I’m allowed to do that to myself, right?) oops, that’s to “what’s the difference between your mother, and a mallard with a cold?” ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/8 "2006-04-30T00:40:29Z")
Ah, that’s the one. Looks like I remembered it wrong. ---
**Author:** ![airtank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e99b99/32.png) [@airtank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/airtank)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/9 "2006-04-30T00:40:34Z")
so a baby seal walks into a club… ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/10 "2006-04-30T02:10:55Z")
What’s the difference between a Lawyer and a catfish? One’s a bottom-dwelling scum sucker… and the other’s a fish ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/11 "2006-04-30T02:14:27Z")
How did Helen Keller meet her husband? It was a blind date. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron. How did Helen Keller burn her ear? Trying to answer the iron. Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So you can read her lips. Why do farts smell? So Helen Keller can enjoy them too. ---
**Author:** ![homeskillet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7ba0ec/32.png) [@homeskillet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/homeskillet)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/12 "2006-04-30T04:22:06Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > How did Helen Keller meet her husband? It was a blind date. > > How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron. > > How did Helen Keller burn her ear? Trying to answer the iron. > > Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So you can read her lips. > > Why do farts smell? So Helen Keller can enjoy them too. Why was Helen Keller’s belly button so big? Cuz her husband was blind and deaf as well! _ROTTEN! I know!_ …snaps to **airtank** …that’s classically BAD! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bernard\_Marx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@Bernard\_Marx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bernard_Marx)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/13 "2006-04-30T05:08:19Z")
> [@airtank](#): > > so a baby seal walks into a club… What do baby harp seals drink? Canadian Club on the rocks ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_of\_the\_Felines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/b5e925/32.png) [@Queen\_of\_the\_Felines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_of_the_Felines)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/14 "2006-04-30T05:18:49Z")
Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? A: Nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/15 "2006-04-30T20:03:44Z")
Hey, have you seen Helen Keller’s new house? No? Neither has she. Maybe I’ll come back later with some dead baby jokes. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/16 "2006-04-30T21:51:57Z")
> [@fetus](#): > > Whoops. Disregard the last post. Here’s the real one: > > What’s the difference between your mother and a duck? > > One quacks and I don’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a whore. I thought the punchline was: No, that’s just ice cream. A grasshopper hops into a bar. He lands on the bar stool, and gets the bartender’s attention. The bartender says, “Hey you know we have a drink named after you…” The Grasshopper says, “Get out of here! You have a drink named Kevin?” ---
**Author:** ![David\_Simmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9de053/32.png) [@David\_Simmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_Simmons)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/17 "2006-04-30T22:18:05Z")
I thought you wanted jokes and not one-liners. Here’s one to raise the intellectual level of this thread. An unworldly old man got hemorhoids. He didn’t want to ride in a car so his equally unworldly wife went to the doctor. He gave her some medicinal suppositories with the instruction, “Use these rectally twice a day.” Home she went and relayed the instruction. “I don’t understand the words. How do I take these?” Back to the doctor. “Insert one into the anus twice a day.” Back home with the new instruction. “I still don’t understand. You are going to have to go back again.” This time the doctor decided he was going to have to be blunt with no fancy words. “Tell him to stick them up his ass.” Home again where the message was relayed. “Well, now we’ve made him mad and I never will find out how to use these things.” ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/18 "2006-04-30T22:35:09Z")
1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says “Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger.” 2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world. 3. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much–and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils. More to follow. ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2006, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/19 "2006-04-30T22:56:28Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > How did Helen Keller meet her husband? It was a blind date. > > How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron. > > How did Helen Keller burn her ear? Trying to answer the iron. > > Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So you can read her lips. > > Why do farts smell? So Helen Keller can enjoy them too. Do you know why Helen Keller’s leg is yellow? Her dog is blind too. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757/20 "2006-05-01T02:57:47Z")
A bounty hunter moseys into a town in the old west, looking for work. “Hey, sheriff, you got any varmints you need rounded up?” “Weelll, there is this one dude, but he’s kind o’ strange.” “Strange? Strange how?” “Y’see, he wears a brown paper hat.” “Brown paper hat? Fer heavens sake!” “Yeah, that’s right. And he wears a brown paper shirt.” “Naw. Really?” “Yep. Thass not all. He wears brown paper pants.” “Golllly!” “Uh huh. An’ brown paper boots, brown paper chaps, a brown paper belt, brown paper holster AND a brown paper gun!” “That shure is strange, all right. But tell me, sheriff, what’s 'e wanted fer?” “Rustling.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-get-some-good-jokes-goin-on-here/354757.md?page=2)