# Let's say I wanted to have an affair... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 4, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791 "2003-02-04T21:26:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![wagnoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/6f9a4e/32.png) [@wagnoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wagnoid)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/1 "2003-02-04T21:26:00Z")
How do you go about doing that? Do you post an ad in the personals? Do you start flirting like crazy at work? Surely there are women out there that would be interested, I’ve just no clue how to find them. I’m not even good at telling when someone is interested! ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/2 "2003-02-04T21:30:42Z")
If you mean an affair as in a normal relationship (in other words, you’re not married/committed to anyone else, and neither is she), then you just flirt. If you mean an affair as in a fling with someone while you are married to someone else who doesn’t know about this fling, and would probably toss you out on your butt if she found out…I would strongly advise against an affair. If you’re having doubts about the relationship/marriage that you’re in, an affair isn’t going to help things. If she finds out, you’re in deep crap. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/3 "2003-02-04T21:32:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Angel of the Lord \* > \*\*If you mean an affair as in a normal relationship (in other words, you’re not married/committed to anyone else, and neither is she), then you just flirt. > > If you mean an affair as in a fling with someone while you are married to someone else who doesn’t know about this fling, and would probably toss you out on your butt if she found out…I would strongly advise against an affair. If you’re having doubts about the relationship/marriage that you’re in, an affair isn’t going to help things. If she finds out, you’re in deep crap. \*\* I’m going to agree with **Angel of the Lord** on this one. But if you’re serious, I would start with asking your wife if she would mind. It’s easy street from there. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2003, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/4 "2003-02-04T21:59:42Z")
I would say probably one thing you _wouldn’t_ want to do is talk about it on a messageboard. You never know who exists behind these usernames… ---
**Author:** ![wagnoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/6f9a4e/32.png) [@wagnoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wagnoid)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/5 "2003-02-05T00:16:18Z")
I suppose it is possible someone would find out who I really am, but so be it. Other threads indicate there are lots fo women out there that don’t really care if a guy is married or not, and I’m curious how you meet them (the women). No, no reason at all… ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/6 "2003-02-05T00:21:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wagnoid \* > \*\*I suppose it is possible someone would find out who I really am, but so be it. > > Other threads indicate there are lots fo women out there that don’t really care if a guy is married or not, and I’m curious how you meet them (the women). No, no reason at all… \*\* Let’s cut to the chase: Are you a married man looking for some action on the side? If so then I suggest therapy for you and your wife. If you are hell bent on cheating on her then I would suggest prostitutes. Forming an emotional commitment with another woman is probably going to destroy your marriage. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/7 "2003-02-05T00:23:56Z")
My first response is NOT. I’ve seen too many friendships and marriages screwed up by that sort of behavior. If you and your SO want to swing that’s another matter. Asking advice here is a bad choice, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/8 "2003-02-05T00:26:14Z")
Also, let me add my caution: DO NOT SCREW SOMEONE FROM WORK. You’d be compromising not only your marriage but also your job, and then where would you be? Let work be your sanctuary from all such things; dipping your pen in the company ink will surely make you sorry in the long run. Personal ads might be the way to go. Be totally honest about what you want, and expect to meet some freaks of nature. \*Just want to say that I do not endorse cheating in any way, and if wagnoid were my husband and I found out he cheated, he’d be aerating his guts on the sidewalk. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/9 "2003-02-05T00:47:31Z")
What threads did you rely upon to form the conclusion that there are Teeming Adulterous Millions of women out there? ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/10 "2003-02-05T00:54:51Z")
I would think, if anything, you’re going to be reviled more than hit on. ---
**Author:** ![Toddly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/22d042/32.png) [@Toddly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toddly)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/11 "2003-02-05T01:08:25Z")
I have to agree that to ask about how to establish an affair on this message board is not a good idea, to say the least. It seems to me that a lot of affairs happen between co-workers. Make sure that you are ready to lose your partner if found out because surely that is what will happen. Unfortunately, I speak from experience. ---
**Author:** ![wagnoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/6f9a4e/32.png) [@wagnoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wagnoid)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/12 "2003-02-05T01:22:41Z")
Married? Yes. Would I cheat? No. Has it crossed my mind? Yes, but not in the fact that I’d pursue it. Only in the fact that it would be rather flattering to know someone was interested in me to the point they wouldn’t care about me being married. Have I ever really had the opportunity? No, not that I know of. Am I likely to have the opportunity? Probably not. I can guess at reasons, but bottom line is that my instincts tell me I won’t. Honestly, part of it may have to do with the fact that I’m a “goody two shoes”. What woman wants to have an affair with a decent looking, intelligent _nerd_? My guess is affairs are about being wild. Part of why I asked the question in the first place is that I really have _no_ clue where this stuff even begins. Well, I guess I have some clue. I suppose commonality and spending time together would tend to lead to feelings… and maybe more. But even with all that, there just seems to be something else needed, at least in the cases I’ve seen. **Bricker** - I don’t have a specific cite now, but I thought I’d seen it mentioned earlier. Certainly you’d have to agree that there are women out there that wouldn’t care. Probably not teeming millions, but I would guess more than a few hundred. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/13 "2003-02-05T01:23:22Z")
You don’t want to do this. Really. The damage it is going to cause (and it will cause damage because it will be found out) is way, way to costly to be worth it. I, too, speak from experience (and I’d be happy to provide you with the telephone number of a good divorce attorney should the need arise - and it will). ---
**Author:** ![petcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5fc32e/32.png) [@petcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/petcat)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/14 "2003-02-05T01:48:01Z")
Unless you built that in to the relationship from the beginning then the answer here is “Do Not have Extramarital Relationships”. You’ll lose big time WHEN your SO finds out, and (s)he will. 'Cause you wanted them to find out, didn’t you? Either to punish them for faults in your relationship, or out of your own guilt. Our marriage rules are all wrong. The word “cheat” is wrong. We’ve all seen the studies about men and womens sexuality and still it’s “to death do us part.” Well, you signed on that line…what? you mean you had no contract? Gee, during the divorce you’ll wish you relied on legal words on paper and not loving words un-remembered. All those “I love you’s” echo pretty hollow years later especially after the custody battles. I’m really glad to read posts on SMDB concerning happy, loving couples. I just wish they weren’t the minority. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/15 "2003-02-05T01:59:36Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by wagnoid_ > Only in the fact that it would be rather flattering to know someone was interested in me to the point they wouldn’t care about me being married. That a woman would enter an affair with a married man is not an indicator of the depth of her love for him. It is more an indicator of her morals and her respect for herself and the institution of marriage. ---
**Author:** ![wagnoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/6f9a4e/32.png) [@wagnoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wagnoid)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/16 "2003-02-05T02:27:51Z")
> [@](#): > > **AudreyK** wrote: > > > [@](#): > > > > ## quote: > > > > ## Originally posted by wagnoid Only in the fact that it would be rather flattering to know someone was interested in me to the point they wouldn’t care about me being married. > > That a woman would enter an affair with a married man is not an indicator of the depth of her love for him. It is more an indicator of her morals and her respect for herself and the institution of marriage. For a woman (or man) to enter into an affair with a married man (or woman) there would need to be some attraction of some sort. Be it love or lust or just filling a void, it needs to be there. It is of my opinion that to be told someone wants to sleep with you is flattering. It may indicate their lack of morals and lack of respect, but that doesn’t preclude it from being an indication of their desire. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/17 "2003-02-05T02:58:04Z")
Ugh. Please, just don’t do this. Yuck. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calredic)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/18 "2003-02-05T03:09:45Z")
You don’t think that a lot of the women who’d agree to an affair would do so because it made _them_ feel flattered that a married man was willing to cheat on his wife just to sleep with them? In other words, them agreeing to sleep with you on the side would likely be more about bolstering their own egos, rather thanwhat a studmuffin you might be. I don’t know how flattered I’d be by that. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/19 "2003-02-05T03:22:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wagnoid \* > \*\*\ Only in the fact that it would be rather flattering to know someone was interested in me to the point they wouldn’t care about me being married. \*\* My experience that many affairs are started just that way. When you’re not getting that degree of “interest” at home and another woman/man is flattering your ego, viola, the perfect recipe for an affair. > [@](#): > > \*\*I suppose commonality and spending time together would tend to lead to feelings… and maybe more. \*\* I think you’ve just answered your own question. OPINION FOLLOWS: The way you phrased the question makes me think that you are probably not happy in your current marriage and _so far_ haven’t had an affair. It sounds like you would be interested, though, if the right person came along with a little flirting and flattering. If you’re not happy in your marriage, work with your wife (and a counselor) to find that spark again. If it just isn’t there, then cut your losses and move on. But don’t put an affair in the middle. It’s a great deal of baggage to carry around the rest of your life. And always remember, take my advise for what you paid for it! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791/20 "2003-02-05T03:42:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wagnoid \* > \*\*How do you go about doing that? > > Do you start flirting like crazy at work? > > Surely there are women out there that would be interested, I’ve just no clue how to find them. I’m not even good at telling when someone is interested! \*\* Watever you do don’t mess around at work. In light of your last sentence you could wind up on the wrong end of a sexual harassment lawsuit and be out of a job. As a boss of mine once commented “Do not dip your pen into the company quill.” [No he wasn’t talking about me, he was commenting on another employee who had been disciplined] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-say-i-wanted-to-have-an-affair/152791.md?page=2)