# Let's see what it takes for me to get fired **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 23, 2003, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419 "2003-09-23T23:24:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MonkeyMensch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@MonkeyMensch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMensch)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/21 "2003-09-24T08:29:31Z")
Oh Jesus. I spotted my self reading these responses. What the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of the night chuckling the way I am? ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/22 "2003-09-24T09:53:42Z")
Send in resignation letters for all your colleagues and… uh, hang on, maybe that won’t work… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/23 "2003-09-24T10:08:35Z")
Every time your boss tells you to do something, tell them to do it themselves. (A guy I know got discharged from the Israeli Defence Forces on grounds of insanity using this one: “Get your hair cut.” “No, _you_ get _your_ hair cut!” “Shut up!” “No, _you_ shut up!!!” etc. Very childish, but fantastically effective.) ---
**Author:** ![manx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@manx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manx)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/24 "2003-09-24T10:13:02Z")
Buy a lego kit. One of the cool ones, like a castle, or undersea shark fort, and then spend all day at your desk building and playing with the lego. Remember to share with your coworkers. ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/25 "2003-09-24T10:23:21Z")
Good idea, **manx**. And you could spread the lego all over the office, some on the floor, on your boss’ desk, in the conference room (should be interesting to see the faces of the board of directors) and of course on your colleagues’ chairs when they’re walking around. ---
**Author:** ![manx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@manx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manx)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/26 "2003-09-24T10:41:50Z")
Or, (similar yet different), buy a model kit, or something very dificuilt. Try building it at work. What will get you fired is not the actual building of said model, but rather (if you’re anything like me) the frustrated screaming that accompanies that smashing of the _godammed stupid gluecovered doesn’t even look like a plane and **why can’t I find slot B** pieceacrap model_ against the floor that will have them escorting you out the door. ---
**Author:** ![Spellbound](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@Spellbound](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spellbound)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/27 "2003-09-24T10:43:36Z")
tech support… tech support… oh YEAH! That’s the place we’re sposed to get answers… I thought ALL tech support workers did the abovementioned things… er… hehe Want an simple way to get fired? Worked for me once. Just be completely honest with the boss. Tell him you don’t believe you’re getting paid what you’re worth. It WILL NOT get you a raise. … although the idea Silenus has about calling everyone Mrs. Johnson is good, too… Actually, if I had ever called a tech support number and found someone with a sense of humor, I’d probably fall over dead. And I don’t know if this is legal or not, but how about giving out the tech support number and encouraging people to call with everyday questions that have nothing to do with your actual vocation? At least if you got one of those calls, you’d be ahead of the game. Might give your co-workers a bit of fun comparing stories about how someone called and asked them to explain how to program their universal remote. ---
**Author:** ![TPWombat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbce88/32.png) [@TPWombat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TPWombat)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/28 "2003-09-24T12:30:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > as for taking the dump on the desk, someone here once dumped on the floor. No kidding. There was shit on the floor - and not on the restroom floor, but right there in the work area. **No attempt was made to find out whose it was. Just another reason I want out of here.** AFAIK, they can’t dust for poo, dude. ---
**Author:** ![Husker\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Husker\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Husker_Dude)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/29 "2003-09-24T12:37:13Z")
Jump on top of your boss’s desk, rip open your shirt and scream: ‘‘I WAS MEANT FOR THE STAGE!’’ ---
**Author:** ![alterego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@alterego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alterego)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/30 "2003-09-24T12:48:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Herge \* > \*\*Take a dump on your bosses desk. I estimate you’ll be fired within 5 seconds. 🙂 \*\* iiiiiiiiiiiii dunno! some people like things like that 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/31 "2003-09-24T12:57:17Z")
Be surly and defensive to everyone in the office… Except your boss. When he walks in the room, smile widely at him, keep your eyes on him the entire time he’s in the room. And keep smiling like Mona Lisa. Like you and he have a secret. Since you’re already goofing off, people will start to wonder why you haven’t been fired yet. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@TJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJay)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/32 "2003-09-24T13:14:26Z")
Funnily enough, I received this in my inbox this morning - I’m sure doing one or all of these will do the job! The e-mail was called “Bored during Meetings?” Discreetly clasp hold of someone’s hand and whisper: ‘can you feel it?’ from the corner of your mouth Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them Chew tobacco Wear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: ‘I don’t care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!’ Write the words ‘he fancies you’ on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen Respond to a serious question with: ‘I don’t know what to say, obviously I’m flattered, but it’s all happened so fast’ Use Nam style jargon such as ‘what’s the ETA?’, ‘who’s on recon?’ & ‘Charlie don’t surf’ Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly Shave one of your forearms Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you ‘love this dirty town’ Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat Reflect sunlight into everyone’s eyes off your watch face Gargle with water Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair Hum throughout Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as: ‘What’s the margin, Marvin?’ ‘When’s this turkey going to get basted?’ ‘If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed Labradors’ Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda 1 Trample the weak 2 Triumph alone 3 Invade Poland Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch When referring to someone in the room always call them your ‘homey’ or ‘dog’ Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout ‘I AM NOT FINISHED’! ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/33 "2003-09-24T13:19:52Z")
I love this thread. But, I think a lot of the suggestions lead to a quick firing which is something it sounds like you want to avoid. For a prolonged firing, try this. Think of a relatively long phrase or sentence that would get you fired. Something like “I plan to embezzle from the company. I would like to lick my co-worker’s feet. I want to cover the CEO in peanut butter and I’ll provide the jelly. Sincerely, Crunchy Frog.” Then, start leaving pieces and parts of the message throughout the office. On a dry erase board in the conference room on Monday, surreptitiously write “I pl”. Later that day, print out in large font “an t” and leave it in the break room. Continue leaving bits and pieces of your message throughout the office. It won’t take long for people to realize a message is building. They will want to see more because it is an unknown sender and as the message becomes clearer, their curiosity level will skyrocket. Eventually, leave the word “Sincerely” somewhere on the morning of the day before you want to get fired. People will be searching for the next clue at a fever pitch. The day you want to get fired, have a printed piece of paper with your name on it (in large font). At noon, stand on your desk, hold it above your head and start slowly spinning until security comes. Tips: Make the first portions of your message obvious and in highly trafficed places. Make the latter portions a little tougher to find. By then word of mouth will work for you. Try white out on a bathroom mirror. Change someone’s screen saver to scrolling marquee. Arrange coffee cups in the break room. Most of all, have fun. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/34 "2003-09-24T13:28:56Z")
Hmmm, you could always get together with a buddy and get one of the girls in your office to go into a conference room, strip down, lie on her stomach, and then you guys snort cocaine off her back. That’s allegedly how some people got fired from a state job I worked at. Can’t hurt to try. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Wrong\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b782af/32.png) [@The\_Wrong\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Wrong_Girl)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/35 "2003-09-24T13:44:28Z")
Oh my god, **Mullinator** , that’s genius. Now this is what I call a MPSIMS thread. ---
**Author:** ![Anaxagoras](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b77776/32.png) [@Anaxagoras](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaxagoras)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/36 "2003-09-24T14:30:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny Bravo \* > \*\*4. Bring cereal to work. This means the box, a large bowl, and a gallon of milk. > \*\* We actually have a guy in our office who brings cereal in to work. No big deal, right? Well, he eats it, dry, off a paper plate, with a fork, during meetings. And he’s not the weirdest guy in this office. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/37 "2003-09-24T14:32:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Hmmm, you could always get together with a buddy and get one of the girls in your office to go into a conference room, strip down, lie on her stomach, and then you guys snort cocaine off her back. I’d have fired them, too. Any idiot knows she should lie on her back. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/38 "2003-09-24T14:34:25Z")
On second thought, I guess lying on her stomach makes for more available crack… ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/39 "2003-09-24T16:51:30Z")
A boring idea, but one which will be useful, would be to take college text books into work and read them all the time. Even ignoring some calls and some meatings. This’ll give you a heads up when it comes to starting school again, and it will take a while for your boss to decide to sack you. They’ll probably just ask you to reduce the time you spend studying at work, ignore those requests. No one would really want to sack you for studying, even if the study is not directly work related. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419/40 "2003-09-24T17:00:47Z")
I love you mullinator. Can I use that in a movie script I’m working on? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-see-what-it-takes-for-me-to-get-fired/203419.md?page=3)