I stole this idea from a standup comedian, but I wish I’d thought of it.
Get some glitter (you can probably find some at a craft store), and bring it to work with you. Pour that glitter into your hand, and go find the boss. Ask “Glitter?” and before he can respond, throw the glitter at him. Not only does it make you look loony, but he’ll go crazy himself, as it’ll take him a week or more to get all that glitter off.
A few ideas that actualy got me promoted at a previous job, but would dumfound the coworkers at my current job.
Fall out of your chair. Lie on your back with arms and legs flailing in the air. Scream “DEAD BUG!!” at the top of your lungs.
Scream “SURF’S UP!”, jump on top of your chair humming “wipeout.”
If you happen to be in a meeting and notice a coworker with their elbows on the table, chant “Sara, Sara, strong and able. Keep your elbows off the table. This is not a horse’s stable, but a first class dining table. Round the hall you must go, you must go, you must go. Round the hall you must go, you are lazy. Hurry up or do it twice, do it twice, do it twice. Hurry up or do it twice, you are lazy. Back around the other way, other way, other way. Back around the other way, you are lazy.”
You can substitue “Sara” with the apropriate name, or use as is. Depends how far you really want to go.
Start quoting rap lyrics and name-dropping gansta rappers in staff meetings.
How does unemployment work in your state? I’d look into the rules to see whether you could qualify for benefits even though you’ll be returning to school… if you could engineer a layoff, and not a firing for just cause, you might be able to collect.
How’s the plumbing there? Is the floor in the bathroom ever wet? How about a break area? How are all-weather conditions in the parking lot and lobby? What I’m getting at, is, is there any way you could engineer a “slip and fall” accident?
This is what I did to get fired from my job a few months ago.
I was fed up with management, co-workers, and mostly myself for putting up with the bullshit longer than I should have.
So instead of continuing with my internal dialogues, I decided to vocalise them.
Here’s the important bit.
Don’t express your current feelings. Go back in your mind to when things first started to sour. Start from there and then build up to the present. I condensed two years into one week.
Here’s the fun bit.
There will be an unexpected third person, who is also yourself, who starts to look for reactions. Pretty soon this third person won’t care about others and start giggling out loud at your inside joke. These giggles will turn to outright maniacal laughter.
Then you will be gently fired.
Here’s the danger.
I’m in a new job and I think it is going to take me less than two years to go through the same process again.
Here’s the advice.
Finish your education. start up a company. Drive your employees to the same brink and laugh you ass off with the wisdom you aquired.
I liked hroeder’s idea about passing out union cards, but can we take it further? does your company do anything illegal? violate any OSHA rules?
Turn whistleblower. then if you ever decide you have to put your firing on your resume you have a story to go with it.
Fifteen Iguana
Last year I had a crisis and really, really needed some help. NOBODY at this stinking place would give me any. I got so fed up I decided to quit. Then I decided to wait till the next month’s rents were paid, quit and take the cash and run (along with the receipt book. Let them prove I never turned in the money).
Before I left, I decided to do the job my own way. If they fired me, what the hell? Then I realized it’s possible to work your way and enjoy it. These are my three rules:
Do only what is required of you, and do it exactly right. Don’t do anything that people can criticize. That way, you don’t have to interact with these people.
Have no interaction with them. Do not let your co-workers do anything for you. Refuse all offers. If you need paper for the printer or if five phone lines are busy, do it yourself. If they ask you if you want something from the store or a restaurant, say “No, thank you.” Don’t give them anything to work with. Interacting with your co-workers is not on your job list, and not doing it makes the job much easier.
Deal with facts only. Never praise, never criticize. If someone gets mad at you, don’t say a word. If someone pays you a compliment, say “thank you.” If someone does something really nasty, just tell the story if required. Don’t pass judgements.
The last job I had the District Manager would use phrases like “gang bang” and “drive by”
Ingredients:[ul][li]Plastic sheeting[/li][li]Duct tape[/li][li]Navy clothing dye[/li][li]Water balloon[/li][li]Fingernail brush[/li][li]Two friends with dark suits[/li][/ul]Plan your swan song for a day when there’s a staff meeting or gathering. Arrange a break, claiming early lunch or doctor’s appointment for 1.5 hours prior to beginning of said event – get boss’s approval. During your break, go home and fill up your water balloon with dye and water. If you’ve prepared, you’ve already set up a section of your garage or yard with the plastic sheeting. Go there, disrobe and stand with your face approximately two feet from a vertical surface, wind up and throw the dye-full balloon at the surface so that its contents splash onto your face. Bonus if you get some on your hands. Allow dye to soak in, then attempt to scrub it off, as much as you can tolerate, to achieve irregular ruddiness while simultaneously retaining subtle dye pigmentation.
Dress, then return to work, ensuring you are conspicuously tardy. Arrive late at the meeting and act hinckey – itching powder in the shirt works well without going over the top.
Fifteen minutes into the meeting, reception will call with terse request for you to leave the meeting. At the front desk will be two “plain-clothes cops.” Exit with them, keeping dialog to minimum.
After two hours, call your boss and say you will need a few days off. Extend your absence at least one day beyond your requested leave. Call to check in and extend your absence. If after a few days you’re not fired, call again and ask for an advance to cover bail.
If you want, I’ll come over and um, “entertain” you while you’re working…and your boss can um, catch us…
One more week until school starts. I’m quitting on Friday if I don’t get fired before then.
So Guin, seems you have not quite a week to get those travel arrangements made.
Man oh man, I feel your pain. I work at a Dollar tree. Nobody gets fired. in the 2 years i have been there, only 3 people have been.
First was the manager that did IV drugs, came to work with a massive needle bruise and so spun you could have played a record on her head.
The second was a loony toon that consistantly complained about money problems, and constantly was short in her till.
The last, and perhaps greatest was the work assist person we had(we didnt pay her, it was free labor)
She was in the district managers office smoking, feet up on the desk, talking to her boyfriend who is in prison. He walked in, looked at her and said “Get the FUCK out of my office”
The DM is pretty cool,(he smokes there too, and its California)
My new managers are idiots, they got transfered to my store as a last chance deal, they messed up two other stores. So now I follow the letter of the rules and what I am told, not the spirit, even if it is obvious. pisses em off pretty good, but they cant do anything.\
As for ways to get canned, stinkbombs, party poppers in the bosses drawers, turn lightswitches unside down(down=on, up=off) open cans of sardines. none of that worked for me, but you may have better luck.
When you do get fired, or quit, take a crap in your desk, or leave a frozen turd in the AC ducts
hroeder’s idea worked for me-- no lawsuit involved – unless you count all those stressful confrontations at the LRB.
They had our certification overturned because they had plenty of yes-men willing to lie about day-to-day operations in order to create a false community-of-interest issue. They sacked just about everyone in the departments that unionized, and gave 18 months conditional severance to the few folks they figured were most likely to continue scrapping.
This is no guarantee… I work with a guy doing just exactly this. He’s still here, eight months after begining his education/work slowdown.
Yeah, but there’s no down-side to that, Tranquilis. If he doesn’t get fired, he gets his studying done on the company’s time. AND gets paid for it.
Bunch of friggin amateurs 
Answer the calls you do take in character. One call, be Sammy Sosa. Next call, Dante Hicks and so on. Bust out some funny voices I will pay you FIVE whole dollars to do the Ernie voice. Five big ones.
Not only does it drive the bosses insane, it’s amusing for all. “Listen guys, he’s doing John Cleese!”
Count me in as another vote for slowing down your work and looking for the “little things”
Browsing abuse at work often has a blanket firing attached to it at many companies so I wold avoid that.
Accidental hangups are probably an excellent route for you since calls can usually be recorded or monitored for inappropriate comments. The trick I have always found to be the best way to get away with murder is NEVER EVER cheat your way to being the best at something. For example call times. If the best people you have average 20 minutes per call aim for averaging 22 or 23. Aim for 90% of the best performers. Most cheaters get greedy and that is where they get caught. Its difficult for an employer to fire a “good performer” unless their success is obviously by cheating. By aiming for good but not great, you stay below the “cheat radar”
Take off your shoes and socks, and clip your toenails with your feet up on your desk.
Better yet, don’t use clippers – chew them down. And spit the shreds on your co-workers’ desks.
Bring a water gun, then start shooting people when they answer the phone.
If it’s a big enough one, start shooting your boss when he comes to give you the news.
Or talk about how you were in an accident and may have mild Tourette’s Syndrome, then start answering the phone in some fake language.
If you’re going to get fired, make it obvious. And make sure you aren’t leaving a good job reference behind.
Or you could just bring a bag, put it in your drawer, and before you answer anyone, look in the drawer, whisper “My pressssioussss!” then look up at them.
Start arguing with yourself, and almost get violent.
Or bring a whoopee cushion.
The more I think about it, the more fun it would be. Granted, I need the reference, so I could never do it, but it’d be fun to see.
Insert two pencils, one in each nostril, and put your underpants on your head.
This may have been tried before and it didn’t work then either