# Let's talk about everyday communication disconnects between couples **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 30, 2015, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001 "2015-11-30T01:10:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/21 "2015-11-30T19:06:45Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > So here’s the thing. Never in my entire life will I _ever_ bring the camera up at portrait first, not because I don’t want to have that habit but because, it’s just not how I operate. I don’t think it will be possible for me _not_ to think through the right orientation via actually putting it up the wrong way, realizing the correction is needed, then making the correction. I seem to just not have it in me to visualize all this ahead of time. I gotta make the mistake, then correct it. > > This. Drives. Her. _Bonkers_. And I think understandably so. I mean how could I not know beforehand? But it’s a fact–I don’t know beforehand. The question doesn’t even come to mind, and I don’t know how to make it do so. I just have a “bring camera up” reflex that brings it into landscape, then when necessary, the “rotate to portrait” reflex kicks in. Every time I have to make the mistake, figure out what’s wrong, and fix it. This is fine, because taking pictures in portrait mode is an archaic throwback to when the only way we viewed pictures was on 4x6 scraps of paper. Landscape, always landscape! Otherwise you’re basically just saying, “Here, I want you to only use the middle 3rd of your monitor when viewing this picture.” ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/22 "2015-11-30T19:57:16Z")
Some people seem to be completely oblivious when they are not communicating clearly. I see it often at work. It’s caused by a failure to step outside oneself, evaluate one’s speech, and appreciate that the word “pan” is not the word to be using and expect to be understood. People blind in this way may pick up on the fact that they are not being understood, but instead of modifying their speech appropriately, they simply repeat themselves. They can’t diagnose the problem on their own. It annoys the crap out of me. If it happened routinely with an SO, the only way I could see managing it is by telling them upfront that sometimes I get confused with the way they phrase certain things and to please be patient when I ask them to clarify. I don’t cope with confusion very well. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/23 "2015-11-30T20:02:54Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > On certain topics (usually ones having to do with physical manouvers) this is a fairly normal kind of conversation for us to get into. She doesn’t flip her lid though–and didn’t in this case. It’s more of a brusque impatience combined with clear frustration. It honestly hurts my feelings a lot, hence my being angry about it, but it doesn’t seem to be the kind of thing progress is likely to happen on (we’ve been married nearly 17 years), and it’s not actually important (we will survive a failure to take a picture the right way or a slowing down of the assembly of a desk or whatever the topic of the month may be…) so I mean, some things you just live with and move around… I get what you’re saying, but what would happen if you would say, later, “Hey, it really hurts my feelings when you snap at me like that”? ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/24 "2015-11-30T20:16:48Z")
This jumped out at me; > [@Frylock](#): > > She hands me the camera. “Focus on me first by holding the button halfway down, then pan up til your finger’s in the middle.” > > This puts me immediately into a panic. Even after accounting for hyperbole, this doesn’t sound healthy to me. When she’s unclear, it should be nothing to say “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what mean by ‘pan’. Do you mean rotate?” Your attempt to avoid conflict is admirable but it’s not fair to you or your precious synapses. Asking for clarification might mean earning her wrath, but at least that wrath would be inexcusable and thus, not your fault. Resigning yourself to being confused means you’re at least partially responsible for the consequences of that confusion. Like not getting the pic that she wanted. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/25 "2015-11-30T20:17:42Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I get what you’re saying, but what would happen if you would say, later, “Hey, it really hurts my feelings when you snap at me like that”? We’ve had that conversation on occasion. In the long run, over stretches of time, she honestly does try. But–it’s fundamentally not in her constitution, just as I’ve said some things fundamentally aren’t in mine. Makes for some tense moments but like I said, nothing fundamentally poisonous. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/26 "2015-11-30T20:19:56Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > This jumped out at me; > > Even after accounting for hyperbole, this doesn’t sound healthy to me. When she’s unclear, it should be nothing to say “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what mean by ‘pan’. Do you mean rotate?” > > Your attempt to avoid conflict is admirable but it’s not fair to you or your precious synapses. Asking for clarification might mean earning her wrath, but at least that wrath would be inexcusable and thus, not your fault. Resigning yourself to being confused means you’re at least partially responsible for the consequences of that confusion. Like not getting the pic that she wanted. Past experience makes it seem likely that going down that road would _also_ have resulted in not getting the pic she wanted (because the discussion would have occurred until the pic was no longer a possibility). I agree with you that I have as much responsibility for the consequences of a discussion like the one I described as anyone else, though. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/27 "2015-11-30T20:24:13Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Some people seem to be completely oblivious when they are not communicating clearly. I see it often at work. It’s caused by a failure to step outside oneself, evaluate one’s speech, and appreciate that the word “pan” is not the word to be using and expect to be understood. People blind in this way may pick up on the fact that they are not being understood, but instead of modifying their speech appropriately, they simply repeat themselves. They can’t diagnose the problem on their own. This is exactly it. It’s the same kind of thing I dealt with when talking to my dad growing up. There was no clarifying, there was no rephrasing–there could only be repeating. (And to be made to repeat oneself was a source of great aggravation to him). Some kind of fundamental failure to understand that pronouns don’t always have clear referents, that others don’t know the same words you do for things, that hand gestures are not precise communication tools. Yup. > [@](#): > > It annoys the crap out of me. Yup. > [@](#): > > If it happened routinely with an SO, the only way I could see managing it is by telling them upfront that sometimes I get confused with the way they phrase certain things and to please be patient when I ask them to clarify. I don’t cope with confusion very well. Like I said to someone else upthread, we’ve had those kinds of conversations, and she really does honestly try a lot of the time. Several years ago there was a small breakthrough when I told her it seemed like her aggravation at my failure to understand almost seemed like the feeling she would get if she found her own limb being recalcitrant and refusing to do what she wants. “I’m not a limb–I have a mind that needs to understand,” or something like that. She scoffed at the time–and then a couple of weeks later chagrined told me she had realized over the past weeks a few times that she was in fact feeling _exactly_ the way I described. And she tries to not do that. But of course we all have—constitutive psychological quirks. We’re stuck with some of 'em. I’ve since then become a lot more aware of issues like “gaslighting” in relationships so I avoid such mind-reading attempts in conversation with her but that one particular instance I thought showed there was some validity to what I’m saying and also that it’s something we can come to a mutual, if imperfect, understanding about. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/28 "2015-11-30T21:10:15Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Some kind of fundamental failure to understand \*\* that pronouns don’t always have clear referents\*\*, that others don’t know the same words you do for things, that hand gestures are not precise communication tools. And that it’s crazy to mention people by name without giving any clue as to who these people are. It is always better to say “My daughter” rather than “Charlotte” when talking to strangers or mere acquaintances. Could these be lessons we start teaching kids in school? Seriously. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2015, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/29 "2015-11-30T22:04:13Z")
by the time my wife had said “by holding the button halfway down…” I’d have already said “do you want to take this picture or have me do it?” Then the argument would be in full gear. I can’t stand be asked to do something then being told how to do it in every detail. If I need instructions I’ll ask. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/30 "2015-12-01T02:33:55Z")
“Oh, on your way back can you get the thing for that thing?” _“Huh?”_ “The thing. You know, for that thing.” \*“Antecedents are your friends, dear.” \*“The hook thing for that black thing.” _“Oh, ok – I’ll get a new latch for the plate that the gate latches to.”_ “Only if you have time after you take care of the thing.” ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/31 "2015-12-01T03:19:05Z")
The reason I use “thing” is that, when communicating, the right word for something will escape me. I hope that you know what I mean, and if you don’t, I have time to think of how to describe it while you ask what I’m talking about. I always marveled at my sister’s ability to just instantly replace the word with another word in real time. It’s why she is the one who can speak Spanish–when she doesn’t know the word, a synonym or other way of describing what she wants pops up immediately in her brain. This is even more true with personal pronouns. I’ve always been horrible with names. I make up for it on here because I can go look them up online. But, in real life, I will very often not be able to tell you who “she” is, without a long description until someone says “Oh, you mean \_\_\_\_.” So, if you do know who I’m talking about, it’s a lot faster not to bother. My point is, I don’t think it’s fair to assume they don’t realize that an antecedent is unclear. They may just not be able to think of how to make it clear when they are on the spot. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/32 "2015-12-01T03:34:15Z")
My husband, who is a lovely man in many, many ways, mumbles. And then, when I say “What?” or similar, he will only repeat one word of the sentence he just uttered. “Mumble mumble mumble.” “Say again?” “the closet.” “What about the closet?” “The hangers.” “No, I didn’t hear the entire sentence. Say all of it again.” Finally a coherent answer. I swear to god, I’ve had this exact conversation at least twice a day for 15 years. Even if, instead of “what,” I say “I didn’t hear any of that, please repeat,” (which I have trained myself to do) I get just one word of the damn sentence. Drives me nuts. Like I said, though, otherwise lovely man, and there are worse things. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/33 "2015-12-01T03:46:08Z")
In the midst of miscommunications, I’ve adopted the tactic of asking my wife “What did you think I said?” in as non-confrontational manner as possible. It works wonders. Now if she’d just ask me the same question under the same circumstances, we’d be in perfect harmony. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/34 "2015-12-01T13:27:11Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > My husband, who is a lovely man in many, many ways, mumbles. And then, when I say “What?” or similar, he will only repeat one word of the sentence he just uttered. > > “Mumble mumble mumble.” > “Say again?” > “the closet.” > “What about the closet?” > “The hangers.” > “No, I didn’t hear the entire sentence. Say all of it again.” > Finally a coherent answer. > > I swear to god, I’ve had this exact conversation at least twice a day for 15 years. Even if, instead of “what,” I say “I didn’t hear any of that, please repeat,” (which I have trained myself to do) I get just one word of the damn sentence. Drives me nuts. Like I said, though, otherwise lovely man, and there are worse things. OMG, this. My wife does this all the time. Plus the pronoun shenanigans described upthread. Sometimes when I say something to her and she doesn’t understand, I’ll try again, paraphrasing and reducing the level of abstraction. Sometimes after a couple of repeats the language has become a bit like [XKCD’s Thing Explainer,](http://xkcd.com/thing-explainer/) and she gets either offended at me for patronizing, or self-conscious and sad because she feels stupid. ---
**Author:** ![MrAtoz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MrAtoz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrAtoz)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/35 "2015-12-01T13:39:48Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > My husband, who is a lovely man in many, many ways, mumbles. And then, when I say “What?” or similar, he will only repeat one word of the sentence he just uttered. > > “Mumble mumble mumble.” > “Say again?” > “the closet.” > “What about the closet?” > “The hangers.” > “No, I didn’t hear the entire sentence. Say all of it again.” > Finally a coherent answer. > > I swear to god, I’ve had this exact conversation at least twice a day for 15 years. Even if, instead of “what,” I say “I didn’t hear any of that, please repeat,” (which I have trained myself to do) I get just one word of the damn sentence. Drives me nuts. Like I said, though, otherwise lovely man, and there are worse things. There’s also the opposite situation, which can be annoying in its own way– “I have a meeting after work, so I won’t be getting home until an hour later than usual. You will need to walk the dog, and also don’t forget to (mumble).” “Don’t forget to what?” “I said, I have a meeting after work, so…” ---
**Author:** ![Murf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Murf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Murf)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/36 "2015-12-01T13:44:57Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > _what the hell did she want me to do with that camera_? That is a question that you ask with tact or maybe just not at all. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/37 "2015-12-01T13:52:49Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > My husband, who is a lovely man in many, many ways, mumbles. And then, when I say “What?” or similar, he will only repeat one word of the sentence he just uttered. My wife is the opposite, she tends to give the minute (to me) detail in every story. So many words! I tend to glaze over pretty quickly, then miss the important part buried somewhere in the details. If conversation is a pyramid, she is a bottom up communicator - laying the foundation then slowly (to me) working up to the point. I’m a top down communicator - here’s the point, ask for more foundation info if you need it. We’ve been married some 27 years, so we manage to work around our styles, but it does cause frustration on both sides from time to time. ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/38 "2015-12-01T14:32:54Z")
In the OP’s situation, I think I’d have asked her to come show me what she wanted. I hate the condescending talking-to-a-five-year-old tone my husband occasionally drops into when he’s wound up about something (usually unrelated to the task at hand) and I’m having trouble deciphering exactly what he’s trying to tell me. My response varies with my level of irritation; anything from ignoring it and indulging in an internal sigh and eyeroll to telling him tartly that I’m his wife not a subnormal servant, and a little bit of respect would be nice, please. Mostly I just bite my tongue and get away from him as soon as I can, let him stew by himself. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/39 "2015-12-01T14:59:51Z")
The most frustrating conversations for me are the ones technology or hardware/tools. Me: The DVD player stopped working. I’ve checked that the kids didn’t put two DVDs in at the same time, I’ve turned it off and back on, and I’ve unplugged it completely then powered up. Him: Well, did you check that the kids didn’t put two DVDs in it? Turned it off? Let me do it. Followed by him repeating everything I’ve just done, for himself. With the same results. Makes me nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Totenfeier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@Totenfeier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totenfeier)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/40 "2015-12-01T15:52:17Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > My husband, who is a lovely man in many, many ways, mumbles. And then, when I say “What?” or similar, he will only repeat one word of the sentence he just uttered. > > “Mumble mumble mumble.” > “Say again?” > “the closet.” > “What about the closet?” > “The hangers.” > “No, I didn’t hear the entire sentence. Say all of it again.” > Finally a coherent answer. > > I swear to god, I’ve had this exact conversation at least twice a day for 15 years. Even if, instead of “what,” I say “I didn’t hear any of that, please repeat,” (which I have trained myself to do) I get just one word of the damn sentence. Drives me nuts. Like I said, though, otherwise lovely man, and there are worse things. This is my wife’s variation (to be fair, it only happens when one of us is in the other room): “Incoherent Incoherent Incoherent Incoherent Incoherent paper towels”. “Sorry, sweetheart; what did you say?” “PAPER…TOWELS!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001.md?page=3)