# Let's talk about everyday communication disconnects between couples **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 30, 2015, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001 "2015-11-30T01:10:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/41 "2015-12-01T17:12:55Z")
Mine just says “What?” to everything if he didn’t hear the last word. I hate repeating myself with a passion. Why can’t he just say “I heard everything up to…” The other thing he does is take things right out of my hands to fix them. Most of the time I let him, since he is way better mechanically at me, but sometimes I get snippy. If I never do it, I will never learn how, right? Give it back! Then his feelings are hurt, saying he was “just trying to help”, and I’m all like “That’s not helping, that’s doing it for me.” I know I irritate him, too. I get cranky when I am hungry or tired, like a toddler, only I don’t always realize it, so I end up being snippy when there really is no need. We are together almost 20 years now, though, and we’re still crazy about each other. We’ve spent the weekend moving - a stressful occupation at best - and even when we snipe at each other, there’s no one in the world we’d rather be with. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/42 "2015-12-01T17:33:06Z")
> [@Totenfeier](#): > > This is my wife’s variation (to be fair, it only happens when one of us is in the other room): > > “Incoherent Incoherent Incoherent Incoherent Incoherent paper towels”. > “Sorry, sweetheart; what did you say?” > “PAPER…TOWELS!” The Pope uses vowels? WHAT? I finally have mostly nipped this whole other room conversation thing. I yell “I can’t FUCKING hear you”. How they respond after that is up to them. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/43 "2015-12-01T19:11:52Z")
As one part of an older couple where we both have hearing problems, I’d like to know how others handle that. These are real problems, not selective hearing and I swear to og we’re going to kill each other over the WHAT and WHAT and having to repeat. Constantly. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/44 "2015-12-01T19:27:19Z")
Well, a small suggestion - after “WHAT”, it can be useful to not continue the conversation from the other room and facing away. You know somebody isn’t hearing you, move closer and face them so they can best hear you (and also see your mouth move). That does help; my grandmother was hard of hearing and I would always realize way too late that I wasn’t facing her. ---
**Author:** ![TheFaerie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c57346/32.png) [@TheFaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFaerie)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/45 "2015-12-01T19:28:20Z")
Go to the same room as your partner, get their full attention, then ask your question. If you are unable to come to them, say loudly “Honey, please come here.” My mom and step-dad are of the “Mumble, mumble,” “What?!?!” type and then when the other one raises their voice the other counters “Why are you yelling at me? I just asked you a question!” And then the fight begins. They have been married for nearly 40 years. I’m surprised they haven’t smothered each other in their sleep. Ninja’d by **Zsofia** ETA: Sometimes if I’m upstairs I’ll text my husband instead of yelling. 🙂 That works pretty well. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/46 "2015-12-01T19:35:58Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Stuff like this is why my EX is my EX. > > Not so much the miscommunication but the fact she loved to START a fight about it rather than figure out where the disconnect was. Yeah, that exchange you describe sounds more like your wife being bitchy than actually trying to communicate with you, solve whatever problem you were having, and get the picture she wanted taken. **you with the face** is also right that if you don’t know what she’s talking about, you need to speak up and clarify. If her instructions aren’t clear enough, the responsibility’s initially on you to seek clarification, and then on her to provide that clarification. Anyway, all she’s describing is a fairly common technique called [locking the focus](http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/using-focus-lock-on-your-autofocus-camera.html), where you basically focus on one area (button halfway down), then you continue to hold the button down until your actual shot is framed, and then press all the way down. That way, the autofocus won’t get crazy and focus on the background or foreground without your consent. As for my thoughts on everyday communication breakdowns… my biggest one is that it seems like my wife talks an awful lot about stuff that I couldn’t care less about- her mother’s groups, her facebook friends, etc… all the while interspersing bits of actual useful information- can you do X, Y is broken, we’re going to Z at AA time, inside all that other crap, and then gets mad at me when I have no recollection of whatever little nugget of useful information was lost in hearing about some person 3 states away whose former preemie is now learning to potty train 3 years later, and then about how some random cousins of hers (who I’ve met once)who live 700 miles away had some calamity befall them. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/47 "2015-12-01T20:04:53Z")
> [@bump](#): > > Yeah, that exchange you describe sounds more like your wife being bitchy than actually trying to communicate with you, solve whatever problem you were having, and get the picture she wanted taken… WHAT?! ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/48 "2015-12-01T20:47:32Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > WHAT?! Wrong guy… I was meaning **Frylock** , not you. I was actually trying to agree that behavior like that would make a person an “EX” real quick. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/49 "2015-12-01T20:48:29Z")
I know. I take it you get the irony/humor though. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/50 "2015-12-01T21:19:53Z")
> [@ddsun](#): > > The most frustrating conversations for me are the ones technology or hardware/tools. > > Me: The DVD player stopped working. I’ve checked that the kids didn’t put two DVDs in at the same time, I’ve turned it off and back on, and I’ve unplugged it completely then powered up. > Him: Well, did you check that the kids didn’t put two DVDs in it? Turned it off? Let me do it. > > Followed by him repeating everything I’ve just done, for himself. With the same results. Makes me nuts. Does he happen to work in tech support? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2015, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/51 "2015-12-01T21:37:19Z")
> [@bump](#): > > Anyway, all she’s describing is a fairly common technique called [locking the focus](http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/using-focus-lock-on-your-autofocus-camera.html), where you basically focus on one area (button halfway down), then you continue to hold the button down until your actual shot is framed, and then press all the way down. That way, the autofocus won’t get crazy and focus on the background or foreground without your consent. That much was clear in the OP, but what was the bit about panning up “til your finger’s in the middle”? What is it that his finger was supposed to end up in the middle of? And which finger? The one that’s holding the shutter button halfway down to lock the focus? ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2015, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/52 "2015-12-02T00:00:41Z")
I’m bad at recounting things, especially conversations. Drives my wife insane. Sorry, honey! Also guilty of the “talks to you like you’re five” thing in regards to tech, but seriously - learn how to use the damn map function on your phone! She will not let a conversation go, and much of what she talks to me about is to keep her head organized about things. Also theres the habit of starting a conversation in her head, then throwing it out there in real time as if I’ve been actively participating the whole time. That’s always fun. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2015, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/53 "2015-12-02T00:02:27Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Heheh no this would not work in our case. > > I’ll put it this way–one way my wife expresses her love for people is by depending on them. That may sound some way to some people but facts is facts. What’s her stance on tadpoles in the house? ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2015, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/54 "2015-12-02T18:51:09Z")
The one that used to drive me… It was something where she’d start to tell… What I’m saying is that she’d never… I guess the point is that her sentences never seemed to… But I AM trying to tell… If you’d just be more… I don’t know why you can’t just… It’s like you never hear… Now where are you going? ---
**Author:** ![4d3fect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/4d3fect/32/9728_2.png) [@4d3fect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/4d3fect)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2015, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/55 "2015-12-02T20:21:56Z")
> [@Kevbo](#): > > The one that used to drive me… > > It was something where she’d start to tell… > > What I’m saying is that she’d never… > > I guess the point is that her sentences never seemed to… > > But I AM trying to tell… > > If you’d just be more… > > I don’t know why you can’t just… > > It’s like you never hear… > > Now where are you going? Hahaha. I thought that only happened to me! ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2015, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/56 "2015-12-06T18:00:06Z")
The following kind of thing happens to me a _lot_. And since **Mrs. FtG** is the person I am always talking with, it’s usually with her. Context: **FtGKid 2** has gone low-carb for a bit. Comes over most Sundays for a big meal **Mrs. FtG** makes. Favorite food is chicken tacos. **FtG** : Are chicken tacos low-carb? **MrsFtG** : We just had chicken tacos. **FtG** : \ I was expecting answers like “Yes”, “No”, “Don’t know”. I ask simple questions, make simple statements, and others try to read into them the Real Meaning. I don’t do deep meaning. I keep most things simple. I wasn’t suggesting that we should have chicken tacos again soon. If that was my aim, I would have said: “Let’s have chicken tacos again soon.” Plus, it’s a question. Meta-complaint. When I point out that I was expecting an answer to the question I asked, not the one they think I asked, I get a 10-part discourse on human psychology, etc. I have no idea why anyone thinks it’s necessary. Plus I’ve heard it before. I’m not the one who messed up. BTW: Prefixing a statement/question with “Please don’t read anything into the following …” just turns the tangent finding into warp drive. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2015, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/57 "2015-12-06T18:26:18Z")
We do that. I’ll ask my husband if I should, say, throw away a borderline too old leftover, and I get an extended history of that particular meal but no answer. We’ve gotten better over the years-I ask more carefully, he nieces better-but it’s still an issue at times. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2015, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/58 "2015-12-06T18:32:58Z")
Oh gawd. The non answer answer. Bonus points when it turns in a fight for no reason. Damn, now my blood pressure just went back up. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2019, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/59 "2019-07-30T23:00:10Z")
NECRO! But. We are getting divorced. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2019, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001/60 "2019-07-30T23:07:43Z")
Well, now you at least know what she wants you to do with that camera. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lets-talk-about-everyday-communication-disconnects-between-couples/739001.md?page=4)