# Letters to bands **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 30, 2002, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491 "2002-04-30T16:19:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Wicked\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/2acd7d/32.png) [@Wicked\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wicked_Blue)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/61 "2002-05-05T15:11:34Z")
Dear Michael, I want my face back. -Diana ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/62 "2002-05-05T16:45:19Z")
Dear Ms. Lennox: Because, that’s why. yers, spoke- ---
**Author:** ![Dirty\_Earthworm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Dirty\_Earthworm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dirty_Earthworm)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2002, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/63 "2002-05-05T21:01:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky \* > \*\*To: Mssrs. Schenker, et al **dba** The Scorpions > Re: The Rocking of Us > > To Whom It May Concern: > It has come to our attention that, as per our contract, you were to rock us “like a hurricane”. Recent studies have shown a serious decline in your rocking. In fact, your recent rocking has been likened to that of a weak low pressure front. Please increase the level of your rocking to that of hurricane or consider our contract terminated. \*\* ## BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!😃 Dear Mr. Armstrong, You’re not paranoid, you’re just stoned. -Dirty Earthworm. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/64 "2002-05-06T16:44:53Z")
Dear Ms. Moore, My client has informed me of your impending arrival and your demand to, as you put it, ‘get this party started.’ According to my client’s records you were not invited to the aforementioned party for numerous reasons. To wit, your Mercedes isn’t nearly as flashy as you would have people to believe, after checking with Verizon we’ve found that you are not, as you claim to be, the operator and, furthermore, you have no authority to connect us to ‘the party line’ and, finally, we don’t know what ‘you can go for miles’ means. Please understand if you do arrive at my client’s place of residence, you’ll be greeted by the local authorities and be promptly escorted off the premises. Sincerely, Juanita ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/65 "2002-05-06T17:02:17Z")
Dear Monotones: It appears to have been a collaborative effort: [http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393045897/qid=1020704374/sr=1-25/ref=sr\_1\_25/002-5409860-8160814](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393045897/qid=1020704374/sr=1-25/ref=sr_1_25/002-5409860-8160814) Hope this helps! Lego ---
**Author:** ![shelbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@shelbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shelbo)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/66 "2002-05-06T17:43:02Z")
Dexy, I’m not going anywhere with you, so just leave me the fuck alone. Eileen ---
**Author:** ![shelbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@shelbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shelbo)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/67 "2002-05-06T17:45:35Z")
[Oops, I see \*\*Spiratu[/b/ beat me to that one.] ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/68 "2002-05-06T18:08:48Z")
Dear Mr. Frampton, Judging by the sounds made at the time of the inquiry, I believe I can categorically state that I do not feel like you do. Sincerely, MrVisible Dear Ms. Ross, We regret that the authority vested in you in the name of love is insufficient to warrant a position in our traffic enforcement division. We wish you luck in your future endeavors. Illionois Department of Motor Vehicles ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_User](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@Abe\_User](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_User)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/69 "2002-05-06T18:33:03Z")
Dear Mr. Clinton and other members of P-Funk: Please be advised that I do not have ‘the funk’ and therefore cannot and will not ‘give it up’ to you or your affiliates. As such, I am hereby demanding that you immediately cease and desist from making any further monotonous demands for same. Moreover, if you persist in making comments regarding my mother, I will immediately inform the local authorities. Yours, Abe User ---
**Author:** ![Eran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Eran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eran)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/70 "2002-05-06T21:07:45Z")
Dear Michael: Yes, I am actually quite okay. Annie ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/71 "2002-05-06T21:31:33Z")
Dear Areosmith, I’m sorry to inform you that your tenture as tour guides at the Museum of Science has come to an end. Your appeals for patrons to ‘walk this way’ has resulted in several nasty injuries when people followed you through the exhibits under constuction. The one in the dinosaur area was near fatal, as you must know. You’ll be hearing from our lawyer as well. Museum director, BSM ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2002, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/72 "2002-05-06T22:48:42Z")
Dear Ms. Reddy, Certain claims made in your song lyrics have recently come under some scrutiny. In order for the RIAA to remain in compliance with the truth in advertising laws, we will require a demonstration of your strength and invincibility. To that end, we have arranged a cage match between yourself and three dozen rabid silverback gorillas. We look forward to seeing you there. Wallabee, Smidgen and Gross Attorneys Client: Everyone who’s ever had that song stuck in their head for days on end ---
**Author:** ![dinahmoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dinahmoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dinahmoe)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2002, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/73 "2002-05-07T01:47:39Z")
Dear Public Domain, Yes, I am happy. I am aware of this happiness. If you continue to insist that I clap my hands as a demonstration of said mirth, I am afraid that this joyful state will not continue, but be replaced with a slight feeling of annoyance and chagrin. Thank you, D’moe ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2002, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/74 "2002-05-07T02:54:05Z")
Dear Mr. Diamond; I heard that. Sincerely, The Chair ---
**Author:** ![ElwoodCuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/edb3f5/32.png) [@ElwoodCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElwoodCuse)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2002, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/75 "2002-05-07T05:54:31Z")
Dear Huey, This is it. I’m letting you know. ---
**Author:** ![gonzoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a6a055/32.png) [@gonzoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzoron)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2002, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/76 "2002-05-07T15:32:44Z")
(Bonus points to Legomancer for the link. HA!) Dear Mr. Floyd, Got your postcard. Sorry I’m not there. Try calling me collect some time. ## Mrs. Floyd Dear Simple Minds, Don’t worry, I’m sure no one will ever forget you. May you have a long and healthy career. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2002, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491/77 "2002-05-07T16:56:29Z")
Dear Misters Daltrey, Townshend, Entwhistle and Moon; My name’s Larry. Sincerely, Larry. * * * Dear Mr. Hayes, I am the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks. Sincerely, Shaft. * * * Dear Mr. Vox, The street sign here got knocked over by a truck, so it has no name. Plus, you can get under the awning in case the rain gets poisonous. Sincerely, Bumfuck Egypt [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letters-to-bands/106491.md?page=3)