# Letting go of my mother **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 11, 2023, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906 "2023-05-11T19:30:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/1 "2023-05-11T19:30:32Z")
One of the reasons I had to retire was I was so fucking tired of death. Now I’m watching my mother get steadily worse in a hospital bed. Somehow 88 years old isn’t long enough. Her mother lived to be 104 so we hoped we had more time. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/2 "2023-05-11T19:34:28Z")
Damn @Loach; that’s a tough one. Many of us have been there with Mom and the rest of us will be there eventually. Wishing her strength and you peace. And vice versa really. We’re all here if/when it’s rantin’ time for you. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/3 "2023-05-11T19:35:01Z")
It isn’t easy. My Mom made it to 91 and a day. But the last 2 years she was barely there. I think in many ways that is worse. My Dad was my Dad until the last 2-3 weeks of his life. That seems better. We just had the interment for both of their ashes down near Fort Dix at a military graveyard. But it still feels weird they’re gone. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/4 "2023-05-11T19:36:52Z")
@Loach, I am sorry. This is hard work, both for you and for your mother. May things go as well as they possibly can. Does it make sense to be talking to hospice? ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/5 "2023-05-11T21:29:35Z")
Sorry @Loach. I am in a similar boat. My mother is 82 and in failing health. She’s on oxygen, has cancerous spots in her lungs, and nearly blind. I’m not sure she will see 2024. It’s sad, as you know. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/6 "2023-05-11T21:31:54Z")
When your kid is wishing for more time with you, that’s a sign of a good Mom right there. I’m sorry you’re losing her. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/7 "2023-05-11T21:38:20Z")
> [@What\_Exit](#): > > It isn’t easy. My Mom made it to 91 and a day. But the last 2 years she was barely there. I think in many ways that is worse. My Dad was my Dad until the last 2-3 weeks of his life. That seems better. > > We just had the interment for both of their ashes down near Fort Dix at a military graveyard. But it still feels weird they’re gone. Her mind is as sharp as ever. That’s mostly good. > [@thorny\_locust](#): > > @Loach, I am sorry. This is hard work, both for you and for your mother. > > May things go as well as they possibly can. > > Does it make sense to be talking to hospice? We are pivoting to hospice in the hospital. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/8 "2023-05-11T22:00:05Z")
@Loach, I am sorry to hear this. Sometimes, I think that any amount of time on earth is not long enough. Big hugs to you, and to your Mom. May both your journeys be gentle. ---
**Author:** ![SoToasty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sotoasty/32/2803_2.png) [@SoToasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SoToasty)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2023, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/9 "2023-05-11T23:44:05Z")
@Loach Sorry you have to go through this. I can sympathize with you and it is no fun. I wish you and your mom all the best. ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/10 "2023-05-12T04:29:30Z")
My father-in-law made it to 91, and although we all know that’s a pretty good run, we _miss_ him. It’s a very hard thing to go through, and you have my best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/11 "2023-05-12T11:16:11Z")
@Loach I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you can draw some comfort from all the good memories you’ve had with her. ---
**Author:** ![scareyfaerie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scareyfaerie/32/3135_2.png) [@scareyfaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scareyfaerie)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/12 "2023-05-12T12:14:19Z")
I am sorry you are going through this, it is very hard to say goodbye even when you know it is inevitable. My mum made it to 85, I spent as much time with her as I could but towards the end when she was in hospital, it was really hard to see the decline in her condition. I wish both of you peace and strength to deal with this, and the comfort of a lifetime of cherished memories. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/13 "2023-05-12T16:15:57Z")
I didn’t get to the hospital in time to see her awake today. I don’t think she is going to wake up again. My father died almost 34 years ago. It wasn’t even a thought in her head that there could be anyone else even though she was younger than I am now. I am not religious. I know her thoughts on religion have shifted back and forth over the years but I think she has some level of faith. She asked for last rites yesterday. I hope I’m wrong and she will be with him soon. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/14 "2023-05-12T16:20:11Z")
> [@InternetLegend](#): > > My father-in-law made it to 91, and although we all know that’s a pretty good run, we _miss_ him. It’s a very hard thing to go through, and you have my best wishes. Her mother lived to 104. Cancer doesn’t run in the family but it got my mother. Her stubbornness got her three extra years with her mind intact. Her stubbornness also kept her from telling anyone she was feeling different until she couldn’t breathe. She responded well to the treatment so who knows what would have happened if it was found earlier. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/15 "2023-05-12T17:10:31Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > I didn’t get to the hospital in time to see her awake today. I don’t think she is going to wake up again. I had to go feed the cats; and when I got back to the hospital my mother no longer appeared to be conscious. Talk to her when you’re there. Apparently she may still be able to hear you, even if it doesn’t look like it. (My mother was quite deaf without her hearing aid; and of course once unconscious couldn’t tell me if it was working. I talked to her anyway.) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/16 "2023-05-12T17:12:51Z")
My condolences, and I’m glad for you that you had her this long. My mom died when I was eleven. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2023, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/17 "2023-05-12T18:48:10Z")
Wishing Mom a peaceful passing at this point, with as little agitation as possible. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2023, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/18 "2023-05-13T19:32:12Z")
She passed away yesterday. It’s been a flurry of activity since then. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2023, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/19 "2023-05-13T19:33:15Z")
Oh man, I’m so sorry. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2023, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906/20 "2023-05-13T19:35:20Z")
Long-distance hugs, @Loach. – if the activity’s too much, go hide for a while if you need to. You’re probably exhausted. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/letting-go-of-my-mother/983906.md?page=2)