# Life changes after mate passes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 11, 2018, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435 "2018-08-11T17:01:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/21 "2018-08-12T07:20:25Z")
I lost my husband April 1, 2017. Time did seem to drag, I had little energy, and had to force my self to do basic things like go to work and grocery shop for months. It’s only in the past month or two I’ve really gotten back to my hobbies and interests. As already mentioned, the time line on grief varies from person to person, but what you describe is pretty normal for the circumstances. Things will get better, you’ll get your interests and passion back, but it will take time. ---
**Author:** ![Kiwi\_Fruit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kiwi_fruit/32/12_2.png) [@Kiwi\_Fruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiwi_Fruit)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/22 "2018-08-13T03:45:46Z")
My husband died suddenly on 26th April, 2017. I knew as soon as I saw his lifeless body on our bed that my life had changed in so many ways that I wouldn’t recognise it. Sometimes, I still ‘know’ that and other times, I realise I am still doing many things just the same as always. Planning for my future, including retirement, is so different now but living life’s day by day reality has a lot the same. Sometimes, I feel guilty for enjoying things I am doing either with friends or on my own. It’s not wrong to feel that way, but it’s also not wrong not to feel that way. There is no guide book for life after loss. ---
**Author:** ![ZonexandScout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zonexandscout/32/544_2.png) [@ZonexandScout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZonexandScout)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/23 "2018-08-13T16:57:55Z")
> [@Richard\_Pearse](#): > > I recently had dinner with a guy who lost his wife a few years ago. He is just starting to really get on with his life. He said he spent about a year steeped in grief and loss and then made a conscious decision to put the past behind him and move forwards with his life. > > No right or wrong way to do it I guess. It’s just something you have to work through as well as you can. I agree with this. I lost my wife when she was 44…much too young for a vibrant person to die. It was about a year before things started to get back to normal, though obviously I still think about her everyday. I remarried about 6 years after she passed. OTOH, my older brother’s wife died about a year later and he was dating within six months. It differs for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/24 "2018-08-13T19:03:12Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > I always envisioned myself as diving into my hobbies and passions with both feet if my mate were to pass before me. It seems the opposite is happening, I am not doing anything. I try to force myself to go out and have coffee at least once a day but I am lucky if I do that every other day. I had several writing and archery projects I was probably spending about 8 hours a day on and wishing for more, now I am lucky to put in an hour or two. I finally cleaned the house yesterday, once I got started it felt good. > > ``` > I pull up my writing projects a few times a day, stare at it for 5 min or so then close it back out. > > It has been 45 days since she passed... > > ``` Well, that’s nothing. 45 days is NOTHING. I am impressed you’re going out for coffee. It took my mom a year or so, but now she’s just living life big time. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/25 "2018-08-13T19:13:51Z")
Don’t beat yourself up, hon. 45 days is nothing for something that will still hurt 20 years from now. Give yourself a chance to get back on your feet emotionally. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/26 "2018-08-13T19:30:46Z")
> [@Kiwi\_Fruit](#): > > There is no guide book for life after loss. There’s probably more than one such book. I know nothing about them, but I’d be very surprised if they weren’t out there. Whether they offer something truly valuable is a different question. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/27 "2018-08-13T20:30:49Z")
Yeah, I mean, 45 days after my husband died I think getting up, getting myself bathed enough to be presentable, dressed, and to work was about the most I could do, and some days even that was shaky. I do recommend getting out of the house every day - staying home alone would have been very bad for me. Of course, your mileage may vary a lot on this one. ---
**Author:** ![Kiwi\_Fruit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kiwi_fruit/32/12_2.png) [@Kiwi\_Fruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiwi_Fruit)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2018, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/28 "2018-08-14T03:08:44Z")
> [@DavidwithanR](#): > > There’s probably more than one such book. I know nothing about them, but I’d be very surprised if they weren’t out there. Whether they offer something truly valuable is a different question. I didn’t mean literally, of course. Yes, there are lots of them, but they can’t point you in the right direction because there isn’t only one right way. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2018, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/29 "2018-08-15T18:11:56Z")
I am enjoying all the responses. Yesterday I took her ashes and prepared her urn. I am sending her back to Wisconsin to be buried with her parents as she asked. I placed a photo of myself with a nice letter on the back of the photo at the bottom of the urn and some clippings from my beard. I felt like a got some closure. This morning I woke up and was able to get back to some writing, I feel a bit beat up but good inside at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2018, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/30 "2018-08-15T18:19:59Z")
> [@Kiwi\_Fruit](#): > > I didn’t mean literally, of course. Yes, there are lots of them, but they can’t point you in the right direction because there isn’t only one right way. They can’t point you in the right direction, but they might be able to help you see that there could be one. Or to help you recognize commonly-pursued wrong directions. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2018, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/31 "2018-08-15T18:47:38Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > I felt like a got some closure. This morning I woke up and was able to get back to some writing, I feel a bit beat up but good inside at the same time. Yep, that’s how the healing happens. I’ve had that feeling a lot over the past year and some months. Sorry you wound up joining a club no one wants to join, but the rest of us are here for you if you need us. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2018, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435/32 "2018-08-15T18:51:53Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Yep, that’s how the healing happens. I’ve had that feeling a lot over the past year and some months. > > Sorry you wound up joining a club no one wants to join, but the rest of us are here for you if you need us. Thanks, that’s what I like about this group. I have tons of friends that have gone through the same thing some are making it better than others. I wish you well also. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-changes-after-mate-passes/819435.md?page=1)