# Life is unfair **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 28, 2003, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255 "2003-09-28T05:58:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2003, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/41 "2003-09-30T16:28:38Z")
Oh, and **Manda** , it wasn’t the _wedding_ that was making me sad. She could keep her horrid bridesmaid dresses and dyed shoes and hour-long ceremony and all the rest of it. It was the _marriage_ that was eating my guts out. The chance to start building a life together. Not just together, but TOGETHER. _That_ was what I wanted, and for various personal reasons it was going to be another 5 years or so before I could have that. And I learned to accept that and find happiness in seeing someone I cared about happy. Was it easy? God, no. Was it the best thing to do to preserve her happiness and our friendship? Yes, it was. In the long term, it was well worth it, and I think the effort might be worth it to the OP in the long term. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2003, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/42 "2003-09-30T16:40:43Z")
**CCL** , I’ve been more or less where **Blalron** is. He may be refusing to learn about the fiance because that’s the easiest way to hide his pain from his friend. He’s feeling immensely jealous and sad about the whole thing, and he can’t help how he feels – but he can help whether he expresses his feelings to his friend. Steering the conversation away from the fiance helps him keep his feelings more-or-less hidden from her, which is a kindness to both of them. It’s a suck-ass place to be, **Blalron** , and if you take **Manda’s** excellent advice to give both of you room, it doesn’t mean you weren’t really the woman’s friend. You _were_ her friend, you _are_ her friend, and you’re doing both of you a kindness by creating space; as **Manda** suggested, you’ll be acting in the only way that has any chance of letting the friendship flourish in the future. There’s also another kind of sucky possibility: if she feels guilty about you, she may be _hoping_ you’ll give her space: she may dread hanging out with you and seeing your puppy-dog stares, but she may also love you (as a friend). She may think it’d be totally assholerific of her to cut you off, but she may be hoping you’ll cut her off, for both of your sakes. Once you find the love of your life, you’ll be on much better ground to renew that friendship. Friendship is sometimes about doing the hard thing. Love is sometimes about doing the hard thing. Making her suffer, making yourself suffer, is not loving to either of you. My sympathies. As someone who’s been there, it can get a helluva lot better; you owe it to yourself to do the hard work necessary to try to make it better. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2003, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/43 "2003-09-30T19:28:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kambuckta \* > Just bide your time and bite your tongue young man! > > With nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the odds are that you will get another ‘shot’ somewhere down the track…probably sooner rather than later. > > All good things come to those who wait. 😉 \*\* Yeah…or you could do the normal-person thing and move on to another ho since it’s obvious she just wants to be friends (which is girl code for she doesn’t find you attractive). ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2003, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/44 "2003-09-30T19:50:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by msmith537 \* > \*\*(which is girl code for she doesn’t find you attractive). \*\* Or for “I just want to be friends.” Thanks, Mr. Stereotype. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2003, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/45 "2003-09-30T20:35:30Z")
Just for the record, we all do agree that _sometimes_ at least, both men _and_ women say “let’s just be friends” when they really mean “I don’t want anything to do with you, but I’d feel too guilty/awkward/scared telling you to get lost”, right? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2003, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/46 "2003-09-30T21:33:38Z")
Yep, I think we can. Can we also agree that “let’s just be friends” sometimes means “I think you are really nice and I enjoy your company and want to spend time with you but there is no chemistry happening here for me.” And sometimes it means “I’d jump you in a second if I were single, but I’m seeing someone else and am happy there. But I still enjoy your company and think that there may be something worthwhile other than mere lust.” (I myself am guilty of both the second versions. I’ve tended to be more blunt than “lets be friends” when what I’ve meant is “get lost.”) ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/47 "2003-10-01T18:19:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamadryad \* > Or for “I just want to be friends.” Thanks, Mr. Stereotype. \*\* No your probably right. She could probably use someone else to talk to about how big her boyfriends cock is. My advice stands. Stop pining over some chick you can’t have and start looking for other women. ---
**Author:** ![ataraxy22](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ataraxy22/32/307_2.png) [@ataraxy22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ataraxy22)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2003, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/48 "2003-10-01T21:16:20Z")
Hmm, see this is where cloning would be useful. Not the grown-up-in-a-vat-in 6 weeks type of cloning, but more like the Multiplicity, Star Trek teleporter gone amok brand. That way there’d be two of this person. One for her fiance, and one for you! Problem solved. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Stafford\_Cripps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stafford_cripps/32/7167_2.png) [@The\_Stafford\_Cripps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stafford_Cripps)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2003, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/49 "2003-10-01T22:21:53Z")
Irrelevant point of order; if there ever are weddings where the minister says “…speak now or forever hold thy peace,” he is only talking about _legal_ impediments to the marriage, such as being already married or underage. Standing up and wailing “but I want to marry her!” will make an arse of you, but not stop the wedding. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Stafford\_Cripps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stafford_cripps/32/7167_2.png) [@The\_Stafford\_Cripps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stafford_Cripps)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2003, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/50 "2003-10-01T22:24:19Z")
Bollocks, I meant point of fact. ---
**Author:** ![Godfrey\_Daniels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Godfrey\_Daniels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Godfrey_Daniels)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2003, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/51 "2003-10-01T23:38:45Z")
Not to be flip, dude, but do you drink? 'Cause if not, this sounds like a good reason to start. As a pal of mine wrote in a song… “well I spend my life just looking at your picture through the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam…” Seriously…I feel your pain. Life sucks, ain’t fair, shit happens. I know it hurts and I suggest you enlist a designated sober person and just go get obliterated. Cry in your beer, pour your heart out, and generally make a drunken fool of yourself. I know this is piss-poor advice, but it’s what I do. If you want _good_ advice stick with **lieu’s** post. ---
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/52 "2003-10-02T01:08:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by G. Odoreida \* > \*\*Irrelevant point of order; if there ever are weddings where the minister says “…speak now or forever hold thy peace,” he is only talking about _legal_ impediments to the marriage, such as being already married or underage. Standing up and wailing “but I want to marry her!” will make an arse of you, but not stop the wedding. \*\* He never says “is there any LEGAL reason why these two shouldn’t join” he simply asks “is there _any_ reason?” Why forever hold my peace if I actually have something to say? Bullshit. If somebody asks a question, they shouldn’t be surprised when an answer comes forth. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Stafford\_Cripps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stafford_cripps/32/7167_2.png) [@The\_Stafford\_Cripps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stafford_Cripps)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/53 "2003-10-02T11:46:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blalron \* > \*\*Why forever hold my peace if I actually have something to say? Bullshit. If somebody asks a question, they shouldn’t be surprised when an answer comes forth. \*\* Do you actually understand the meaning of “Speak now or forever hold thy peace”? They are saying that you _may_ speak now, but if you don’t the marriage will go ahead and you will have wasted the opportunity forever. In any case it’s superfluous now as if the marriage was illegal, you could simply go to the police at any time in the future and report that it was bigamous or whatever. > [@](#): > > **He never says “is there any LEGAL reason why these two shouldn’t join” he simply asks "is there _any_ reason"** …why they should not be _legally_ joined as husband and wife… Has anybody ever actually been at a wedding where this was said? If they have, was it perhaps put in at the request of a bride with a taste for melodrama? ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/54 "2003-10-02T13:48:04Z")
I’m going to say something now that you’re not going to like: you are _not_ in love with this woman. At least, not in the way that _I_ understand love. Love is what you get when you really, really know someone. When you live with them and have lived through their extraordinarily cranky moments. When you know each and every one of their (many) character flaws _and still love them anyway_. When given an option, you can state with confidence what the other will choose or say or how they will react. What you have now is infatuation. You love the idea of her. That’s all you can love because you haven’t had the opportunity to go further. Now don’t get me wrong. If you _did_ have that opportunity I can fully believe that you _would_ end up loving her for her rather than for the idea of her. But sadly you are denied that chance. That hurts. A lot. But don’t pull the wool over your eyes. She ain’t that perfect, because there ain’t nobody that is. And if you think she’s that perfect then you don’t really know her. And if you don’t really know her then there’s no way you can really love her. Now her fiance – he _has_ been given that chance. And she’s been given the same chance with him. And they’ve decided that they _do_ love eachother and they’re going to accept eachother warts and all. That’s pretty amazing stuff and you are a long, _long_ way short of that kind of relationship with her. After all, you don’t even know the single most important figure in her life – him. Sorry, kid. You’re young. These things seem like the end of the world at the best of times but when you’ve never actually been in a long-term, serious relationship you don’t even have the comparison to realise **just what a tit you’re making of yourself**. I can only advise you that you _have_ to move on, chiefly by realising that **there isn’t even anything to move on from**. If that’s too hard to do as it is, you must follow **Manda’s** advice. And sometimes that’s the only way to do it. I know. I also know that with the right attitude and the right understanding, you can eventually meet someone who _will_ give you that chance and with whom you _can_ fall in love. Time will tell. pan ---
**Author:** ![ThatDuckIsEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@ThatDuckIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThatDuckIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/55 "2003-10-02T16:31:30Z")
Blalron, sweetie, I have been in a very similar situation. I feel for you, and I’m sending you big hugs and good vibes. You dear sweet thing. Do NOT stand up at the wedding. Do not speak. You must suffer in silence. I ditto what lieu siad. This is a GOOD thing because now the hope is GONE. She is officially unattainable, no mood swing or change of heart will occur now. Its definite and final. Move on to the bigger and better. Youre options are wide open and calling to you. Friendships grow and change, and some do lose their strength and purpose. It’s ok to end them. And if she’s as wonderful and decent a person as you say, enough to warrant such adoration, then she knows your pain. By you fading away gradually into your own interests, that will make her feel better and not worry that you’re still hanging on. She will grasp it, and not be forever hurt by it. So you can be a friend to her and make her happy, and still make yourself happy by doing the healing you need to do. Let go. It hurts, I know. But let go. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/56 "2003-10-02T17:25:37Z")
**Blaron** , if you’re SERIOUSLY considering standing up at her wedding and making a scene, I think it’s pretty obvious you don’t really love her. I hate to do the “if you REALLY loved someone you would…” argument, but that’s what it looks like. I’ve noticed this about you in your rants about girls and dating-you seem to be more concerned with what YOU can get out of it, than truly caring about someone. If you’re really her friend, you won’t do it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2003, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/57 "2003-10-02T19:39:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kabbes \* > \*\*When given an option, you can state with confidence what the other will choose or say or how they will react. > \*\* I’ve been married for nearly six years and I can’t say with confidence how hubby will react to anything. He baffles me. Julie ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/58 "2003-10-03T08:28:22Z")
Fair point, actually ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/59 "2003-10-03T12:30:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blalron \* > \*\*He never says “is there any LEGAL reason why these two shouldn’t join” he simply asks “is there _any_ reason?” > > Why forever hold my peace if I actually have something to say? Bullshit. If somebody asks a question, they shouldn’t be surprised when an answer comes forth. \*\* When I was a choirboy the wording was “any cause or just impediment”. And the priest also ordered both the bride and groom, as they would answer at the Day of Judgement, to reveal any reason that they themselves knew, warning that if God’s law didn’t allow the marriage, then they would not be joined by God, nor would they be lawfully married. “But _I_ love you!” doesn’t count. It’s not a reason why the marriage _cannot_ go ahead. If you do it you’ll be making an arsehold of yourself and I’ll laugh in your face for it. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2003, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255/60 "2003-10-03T12:33:24Z")
:rolleyes: “arsehold”, forsooth :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-is-unfair/204255.md?page=4)