# Life Lessons You've Learned While Dating **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 11, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404 "2009-02-11T18:48:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/21 "2009-02-11T22:08:49Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > If someone just doesn’t do it for you, you can’t make yourself love them. I came in here to say that as well. Took me three times to figure that out unfortunately. I’d also like to add to the bitter, cynical side of this, that the goal of every man for a relationship is sex. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/22 "2009-02-11T22:38:20Z")
> [@AngelSoft](#): > > I came in here to say that as well. Took me three times to figure that out unfortunately. > > I’d also like to add to the bitter, cynical side of this, that the goal of every man for a relationship is sex. Ok, but no. The men MOST women are initially attracted to at first perhaps. Then they have kids and breed other little men that are ass’s. circle of life. 🙂 Not blaiming women for it, just seems true to me. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/23 "2009-02-11T22:40:08Z")
> [@Litoris](#): > > I’ve found that people who spend time trashing their exes aren’t worth my time. Yup. Always listen to what he’s saying about his last girlfriend, because in 3 or 4 months he’ll be saying the same things about you. (This also applies to your new supervisor at work.) His happiness does not depend on my behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/24 "2009-02-11T22:42:47Z")
> [@AngelSoft](#): > > I’d also like to add to the bitter, cynical side of this, that the goal of every man for a relationship is sex. Not me. I’m not ready for that yet. ---
**Author:** ![HolyFreakingMoly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7ba0ec/32.png) [@HolyFreakingMoly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HolyFreakingMoly)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/25 "2009-02-11T22:43:26Z")
Never accept a date with an out of town guy who comes into town in an 18 wheeler. He picked me up for the date in it! The worst date of my LIFE! I was about 21 and I worked as a receptionist in a seafood wholesale place. This guy came in every couple of months to pick up seafood for his company somewhere else. He was young and sort of cute and everybody was goading me to go out with him because “he’s got MONEY!!” so he asked and I said yes. I should have paid attn. to where he was from (the boonies of central FL) and his accent (that would have been prejudicial of me) because he arrives at my house in the fucking semi (I drove to dinner) and asks, “Do y’all like steak?” I figure, ok, what the hell, I’ll get a nice dinner out of this. He takes me to THE SIZZLER!!! With trays and the line and the whole thing… I’ve never feigned a headache so fast in my life! One of my step dad’s favorite stories! Thirty years later he still delights in my telling of it to people who haven’t heard it (like new guys in my life)… What a card! ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/26 "2009-02-11T22:45:51Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > “Mexican!” I’d say. > Her: “Mmmmmmmmm. No.” > Me: “Okay, well, where do you want to go?” I’d ask > Her: “No, you decide.” > Me: “Chinese.” > Her: “Uh, no.” > Me: “Pizza.” > Her: “No.” > Me: “Taco Bell.” > Her: “I said ‘no’ to Mexican.” > Me: “Since when is Taco Bell ‘Mexican’?” > Her: “Good point, but no.” > Me: “Grubs and roots.” > Her: “No.” > Me: “Well, what do _you_ want?” > Her: “_Why do I always have to decide?_” There’s a really useful rule to invoke when this sort of thing happens: you’re not allowed to reject a suggestion without proposing an alternate. ---
**Author:** ![Litoris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9f8e36/32.png) [@Litoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Litoris)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/27 "2009-02-11T22:49:23Z")
> [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](#): > > Yup. Always listen to what he’s saying about his last girlfriend, because in 3 or 4 months he’ll be saying the same things about you. (This also applies to your new supervisor at work.) > > His happiness does not depend on my behavior. And your new employee – the absolute WORST employee I ever had was one that my boss insisted I hire (“she’s cute”) who completely trashed her prior employer in the interview. I didn’t want to hire her. Her reference sucked – as she said it would (“because they’re assholes and you know, I was too good to work there, so they were always persecuting me”) – but “she’s cute” got her hired. I made my boss fire the idiot – she deleted HALF OF OUR DATABASE (luckily I was diligent with backing it up), and tried to say that it was because I told her to do so. Boss knew better and fired her. She tried to file for unemployment. That was fun to get denied. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/28 "2009-02-11T22:58:32Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Also, I learned about hair-pulling. I’m in two minds about hair-pulling. Explain. ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/29 "2009-02-11T23:02:10Z")
If she cheats on you once, she’ll cheat on you twice. If he hits you once, he’ll hit you twice. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other, how good a fit you are with each other, or how wild she is in bed. The moment you spot lies, attempts at manipulation, or sexual politics, it’s time to end the relationship for good and never look back. And on a more personal note: I can only understand–and be understood by–another geek. Somewhere on my chromosomes is stamped “NERD LOVE” right on the genetic sequence. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/30 "2009-02-11T23:07:09Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > What are some simple or profound things you have learned while dating? > > I don’t want to hear your horror stories necessarily - just new habits that have made you better as a person, or at least made your interactions in a relationship easier. > > For example: > > He: Where would you like to go to eat? > Me: I don’t care - anywhere is fine. Where do you want to eat? > He: I don’t know. Where do you think we should go? > > It can drive the average person insane. > > But honestly, I can find something I like to eat at just about any restaurant. As a kid, ‘where’ was not usually an option. And as an adult, I often don’t know the budget of the other person, and don’t want to suggest some place to high-priced or low-browed for them. Especially if they have made it clear they are paying. > > Nevertheless, this had to be fixed. So finally, I learned. > > I would ask the other person to give me a few choices and pick, or say stuff like, “Well, I had Mexican for lunch and sushi last night for dinner . . . but I could go for some Italian or Chinese food.” > > It’s small, maybe insignificant to you, but I know it’s made me a better girlfriend as a result. > > How about you? I don`t mean to come off as picking on you, because it sounds like you found a nice solution… but one of the things I’ve learned is that there are a tremendous number of people who feel that offering no opinion is somehow being accomodating and easy, rather than just failing to contribute anything to the situation. I could find something to eat anywhere too, but when someone asks me where I’d like to eat I assume they are hoping I will contribute to the decision making process. So the lesson is two-fold - 1) When someone asks your opinion about something less than life-changing like dinner, always give one even if you don’t really care. 2) When someone refuses to offer any valuable ideas, just take them at their word and decide without doing the obnoxious back and forth. Although to be fair I find myself doing it more with friends and family than dates… ---
**Author:** ![HolyFreakingMoly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7ba0ec/32.png) [@HolyFreakingMoly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HolyFreakingMoly)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/31 "2009-02-11T23:10:15Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > What are some simple or profound things you have learned while dating? > > I don’t want to hear your horror stories necessarily - just new habits that have made you better as a person, or at least made your interactions in a relationship easier. > > For example: > > He: Where would you like to go to eat? > Me: I don’t care - anywhere is fine. Where do you want to eat? > He: I don’t know. Where do you think we should go? > > It can drive the average person insane. > > But honestly, I can find something I like to eat at just about any restaurant. As a kid, ‘where’ was not usually an option. And as an adult, I often don’t know the budget of the other person, and don’t want to suggest some place to high-priced or low-browed for them. Especially if they have made it clear they are paying. > > Nevertheless, this had to be fixed. So finally, I learned. > > I would ask the other person to give me a few choices and pick, or say stuff like, “Well, I had Mexican for lunch and sushi last night for dinner . . . but I could go for some Italian or Chinese food.” > > It’s small, maybe insignificant to you, but I know it’s made me a better girlfriend as a result. > > How about you? I agree. Particularly if it’s assumed he’s going to pick up the check. I’d like him to make a couple of suggestions and I’ll pick one as I assume he’s giving me options that are in his budget and his tastes. I’m not particularly picky and can enjoy a good burger as much as a lobster dinner. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/32 "2009-02-11T23:22:04Z")
What I’ve Learned From Dating. Make sure to use plenty of lime and steer clear from crawlspaces and root cellars… ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/33 "2009-02-11T23:31:17Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > If someone just doesn’t do it for you, you can’t make yourself love them. > [@Diz](#): > > In a similar vein, neither can you make someone else love you. I learned these two lessons back-to-back. Man was THAT a rough couple of months. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2009, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/34 "2009-02-11T23:37:48Z")
On the bright side, Lord Ashtar, at least you learned. Now you only have to remember. Once the relationship is such that you are eating together regularly, the what’s-for-dinner-debate can be helped by having a “default” for when nobody is feeling decisive. Together with one of my ex-boyfriends, we decided if neither us knew what we wanted for dinner we’d have salad. It was good for us, and occasionally motivated one or the other to make a suggestion. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelJohnBertrand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dfb087/32.png) [@MichaelJohnBertrand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelJohnBertrand)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2009, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/35 "2009-02-12T00:00:41Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Lesson from dating: the internet isn’t sufficient. You _must_ meet in person as soon as possible. We’re monkey folk, and we need monkey time together to find out whether we can stand each others’ smells. Sing it, sister, sing it! The Internet creates a completely false sense of intimacy with the other person. You’ll chat for hours and share intimate stories and have wild netsex and feel really, really CLOSE to that person. But it’s all BS. You don’t really know them at all, and vice versa. This is for two reasons : 1. On the Internet, all information is voluntary. If they know something about you, it’s because you typed it in somewhere. In a chat, in your profile, whatever. That means it’s very easy to re-invent yourself on the Internet. In other words, LIE ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. Mostly, this tends to be lies of omission rather than outright fabrications, but still… anyone you think you “know” on the Internet is only showing you the parts of themselves they want people to see. And when you _really_ meet, you will be overwhelmed by how much you didn’t know. 2. Outsides count. You can easily fool yourself in the highly cerebral realm of Da Intarwebs into thinking little things like appearance, mannerisms, living habits, and so forth don’t _really_ matter compared to the incredible metting of souls you’ve forged with your Internet SO, but that’s just not true. Our noblest, highest selves ride around on the shoulders of our other, more human selves, and all these things matter for total compatibility. Maybe their voice will drive you nuts. Maybe your laugh will make them wanna jump our of a moving car. Maybe you’ll find her eating habits horrifying. Maybe she’ll find your taste in music appalling. You never know, until you’re face to face, what the real deal is. The best the Internet can do for you is generate leads. If you meet someone online, and you get along great there, then there’s certainly a better chance that you’ll get along in RL than if you just grabbed a stranger off the street. But that’s all it can do. The rest requires actual meeting. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2009, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/36 "2009-02-12T00:13:00Z")
Your best friend will date only guys that crap on her and she becomes insanely jealous when you try to actually have a conversation with him about topical things, yanno, like teachers you have/classes/tests/stuff. ---
**Author:** ![krisolov](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/krisolov/32/3724_2.png) [@krisolov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/krisolov)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/37 "2009-02-12T00:22:14Z")
don’t date anyone crazier than you. At least don’t sleep with them. I can’t change them, I can only change myself. You can’t change yourself for anyone other than yourself. The secret to a good relationship is compromise and respect. And good sex. Good relationships are not competitions. ---
**Author:** ![Jaglavak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/85f322/32.png) [@Jaglavak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaglavak)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2009, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/38 "2009-02-12T03:42:10Z")
> [@AngelSoft](#): > > I’d also like to add to the bitter, cynical side of this, that the goal of every man for a relationship is sex. ??? And this is bad, how, again??? ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2009, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/39 "2009-02-12T06:36:33Z")
You are not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2009, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404/40 "2009-02-12T07:11:26Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Here’s another lesson I learned from dating: > > When someone compliments you, just say thank you. > > I will often downplay compliments - you know, “oh really, it was nothing. I bet you say that to all the girls. Well, it’s not the greatest, but it works.” If you’re the sort to downplay compliments, like me, I finally found the phrase that goes well with blushing and stammering but doesn’t actually insult the person: “You’re so sweet to say.” Anyway, I learned my big problem is trying to be a caregiver. I somehow attract broken-winged birds, and turn into their personal therapist, to the exclusion of being their lover. I learned that practising therapy without a licence is a very, very bad idea. Next step is to learn _why_ I keep attracting these people, and hopefully stop doing it before I work my way all the way through the DSM-IV. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-lessons-youve-learned-while-dating/485404.md?page=3)