# Life makes me mad: advice requested \[edited\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 7, 2014, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994 "2014-08-07T00:25:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/21 "2014-08-07T21:16:24Z")
Since this is asking advice, I’m moving it to IMHO. Welcome, **existexistence** , and best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![existexistence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@existexistence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/existexistence)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/22 "2014-08-08T04:12:27Z")
Thank you to all who responded! Some very actual helpful things in here. Even just the fact that people responded is helpful. I really don’t think it’s necessary to explain the details of what makes me mad - the problem is obviously within myself. I guess someone pointed it out pretty nicely. Maybe advice isn’t what I’m looking for, but actually is someone to listen. The fact that you all listened was a tiny bit uplifting! Although some of the responses involved a lot of “distract yourself”. This is where my original question was originally raised. HOW do you distract yourself in the actual moment of anger?? When I’m mad it’s usually because I want something that I’m not getting, so to try to tell myself to go get something else - such as a walk or burst of fresh air or whatever, it just makes me more mad because I’m seeing red and just think “a walk is NOT what I want, WHY can’t I just have what I want?”. I know it’s extremely childish, but when I’m mad I don’t know how to take my focus away from it. I’ve been to therapy and have heard all of these suggestions, and have heard about stopping yourself when you’re thinking dumb. I just don’t get how one actually does that?? People with anger issues or who used to have anger issues are the people I’d really like to hear from. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/23 "2014-08-08T04:59:57Z")
It sounds like you could benefit from REBT/CBT. There are a lot of self-help books on the subject, you don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of money on expensive therapy sessions. Have a read here and see if any of it resonates with you: [http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm](http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/24 "2014-08-08T05:06:18Z")
Generally I > [@existexistence](#): > > distract [myself] by walking or being creative or eating better and exercising". Yet > [@](#): > > This is all BULLSHIT advice. so it’s really weird that it works so well for me. Currently I’m starting a small business which, as it turns out, is _really_ distracting. Creativity is a fundamental part of who I am, so I’ve got something like that going on pretty much all the time. (The small business is also arts-focused.) I also use exercise as stress relief. I have specific fitness goals too, so when I hit my milestones I’m pretty much the opposite of irritated and angry. I also take control of things that bug me and do something different to change it. (A large reason why I’m starting a business, btw. It become clear that no one else was gonna do it, so I’m doing it myself.) Also: most of life’s bullshit isn’t personal. It’s a waste of energy to act like it is. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/25 "2014-08-08T05:14:30Z")
Missed the edit window: In the moment? If walking doesn’t cut it, run. Run HARD. Anger activates your fight or flight response, so give it some flight to chew on. If you wear yourself out, the anger will dissipate. Or just be okay with being angry for 20 minutes and recognize that you’ll get over it, eventually. Feeling emotions is actually okay. It’s acting on them destructively that isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/26 "2014-08-08T05:18:13Z")
Drink. ---
**Author:** ![existexistence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@existexistence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/existexistence)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/27 "2014-08-08T07:37:28Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > It sounds like you could benefit from REBT/CBT. There are a lot of self-help books on the subject, you don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of money on expensive therapy sessions. > > Have a read here and see if any of it resonates with you: [Who Controls You?](http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm) Thank you!! I had heard of CBT and not REBT, and I think that this is totally what I’ve been looking for! Thank you! (From your awesome source: [http://www.rational.org.nz/prof-docs/Intro-REBT.pdf](http://www.rational.org.nz/prof-docs/Intro-REBT.pdf)): > [@](#): > > According to REBT, change can occur at different levels. Let’s say, for instance, that you are anxious because you think someone is disapproving of you. At a superficial level you can feel better by altering your body chemistry (e.g. via exercise, dietary change or medication); by changing the situation (e.g. by avoiding contact with the other person); or by changing your inferences about the situation (for example, you make yourself feel less anxious by convincing yourself that the disapproval isn’t going to happen). For a person to go beyond feeling better to actually get better – that is, to achieve fundamental and lasting change – involves modifying the underlying core beliefs that create difficulties for them in a range of situations. Using our example above, rather than convince yourself that disapproval isn’t going to happen, you accept that it might, but deal with your underlying core belief that you need approval and must not ever receive disapproval. > > \ > > **Discomfort Disturbance** results from demands about others (e.g. ‘People must treat me right’) and about the world (e.g. ‘The circumstances under which I live must be the way I want’). > **Low frustration-tolerance** (LFT) results from demands that frustration not happen, followed by catastrophising when it does. It is based on beliefs like: ‘The world owes me contentment and happiness;’ or: ‘Things should be as I want them to be, and I can’t stand it when they are not" I am sorry to everyone for saying such superficial relief strategies are bullshit! I guess they just aren’t for me. Very many thanks though, Sandra - I think this will actually help me! ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/28 "2014-08-08T07:40:19Z")
> [@existexistence](#): > > Thank you to all who responded! Some very actual helpful things in here. Even just the fact that people responded is helpful. I really don’t think it’s necessary to explain the details of what makes me mad - the problem is obviously within myself. I guess someone pointed it out pretty nicely. Maybe advice isn’t what I’m looking for, but actually is someone to listen. The fact that you all listened was a tiny bit uplifting! Although some of the responses involved a lot of “distract yourself”. This is where my original question was originally raised. HOW do you distract yourself in the actual moment of anger?? When I’m mad it’s usually because I want something that I’m not getting, so to try to tell myself to go get something else - such as a walk or burst of fresh air or whatever, it just makes me more mad because I’m seeing red and just think “a walk is NOT what I want, WHY can’t I just have what I want?”. I know it’s extremely childish, but when I’m mad I don’t know how to take my focus away from it. I’ve been to therapy and have heard all of these suggestions, and have heard about stopping yourself when you’re thinking dumb. I just don’t get how one actually does that?? People with anger issues or who used to have anger issues are the people I’d really like to hear from. I understand that you might not want to discuss the specifics here, but are you able yourself to pinpoint the root cause of your problems when they arise? Are they problems that a person can reasonably act upon to change? Either way, I think a good approach is: [ul] [li]In advance, and with a cool head, agree with yourself on the action you will take when something happens - for example: _when this person insults me, I will turn and walk away without rewarding them with a response_ or _when I feel sad, I will watch a comedy movie_ (these are just silly examples)[/li][li]Then stick to that action plan, even if, when the problem happens, it no longer seems like a good idea.[/li][/ul] Your calm brain is the one that makes the good quality decisions, but it isn’t available when you are angry or upset - so let your calm brain decide on the course of action in advance, then force your angry brain to trust the plan. ---
**Author:** ![jerez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c68b51/32.png) [@jerez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jerez)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/29 "2014-08-08T08:25:05Z")
Still not enough information, IMO, for a meaningful response. Some scenarios: I don’t know how old you are, but that kind of thing often goes away when you get to be 30 or 40 years old. If you’ve taken steroids, I think anger is one of the side effects. It may be behavior that you’ve learned from your parents, for example. You may have an oversized ego. Something in your diet or environment is causing your body to make you feel irritable. Assuming none of the above, let’s look at it this way: Feeling anger and frustration is pretty much like a child having a temper tantrum. The best way to avoid feeling frustration is to concentrate on happiness. Find nice things to think about (count your blessings, look for the humor in everything, contemplate the beauty of life, etc.) and stay in that zone. It’s the intelligent way of doing things. Life is too beautiful to waste your time being upset. Assuming you’re not a child, life is also too short for temper tantrums. Three-point path to happiness: like yourself, like others, like yourself+others. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/30 "2014-08-08T11:03:35Z")
> [@existexistence](#): > > Thank you!! I had heard of CBT and not REBT, and I think that this is totally what I’ve been looking for! Thank you! You’re welcome! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![existexistence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@existexistence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/existexistence)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/31 "2014-08-08T22:19:27Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > I understand that you might not want to discuss the specifics here, but are you able yourself to pinpoint the root cause of your problems when they arise? > > Are they problems that a person can reasonably act upon to change? > > Either way, I think a good approach is: > > [ul] > [li]In advance, and with a cool head, agree with yourself on the action you will take when something happens - for example: _when this person insults me, I will turn and walk away without rewarding them with a response_ or _when I feel sad, I will watch a comedy movie_ (these are just silly examples)[/li][li]Then stick to that action plan, even if, when the problem happens, it no longer seems like a good idea.[/li][/ul] > > Your calm brain is the one that makes the good quality decisions, but it isn’t available when you are angry or upset - so let your calm brain decide on the course of action in advance, then force your angry brain to trust the plan. Yes, I am usually upset because of a common theme in my life that involves me wanting to do or not do something, but not wanting to deal with the consequences. It is incredibly similar to a 2 year old’s temper tantrum. I definitely like what you said that my calm brain makes the good quality decisions, and it’s not available when I’m angry - this is exactly true! So I like your tip to set out an action plan that is specific to what is making me mad. I don’t know exactly what it will be, but this is a good thought, so thank you! ---
**Author:** ![existexistence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@existexistence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/existexistence)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/32 "2014-08-08T22:31:22Z")
> [@jerez](#): > > Life is too beautiful to waste your time being upset. Assuming you’re not a child, life is also too short for temper tantrums. I completely agree! And basically - the information you are looking for is that there is no excuse or reason for me to be so angry, and that is why I am asking for ideas publicly, because I know it’s incredibly pointless and I know I am wasting my life being upset over things that I can’t control! I don’t take steroids, but I do have unhealthy eating patterns. For the first portion of my life I had an incredibly good metabolism so I got into the habit of eating junk food a lot. Then I had a child who is now two and I basically hardly ever eat and when I do finally eat it is very often unhealthy food. I am angry about things like not having money to buy something I want, or my boyfriend not understanding what I’m saying about something, or him being defensive and angry with me when all I want is to discuss something that’s bothering me. I sometimes lack self awareness with the way that I approach conversations which I think is what leads to a frustrating response, but either way; It’s all just random shit that someone shouldn’t get so worked up over. I logically know these things when I am calm, such as now, but when the trigger happens - I don’t think logically anymore. Which is why I ask **how** to not allow that anger to take over. How to “not focus” on it? These are all very good answers from everyone who replied, and I’m sorry I’ve been a bit vague - I have been to doctors and it makes me anxious and awkward, and I find most helpful information online, but I have been stuck at this point. I know I need to not focus on it. But I just didn’t know how. Rational Emotion Behavioral Therapy is something that I will be reading more into and hopefully finding my own ways to appreciate life more and stop setting myself up for frustration and disappointment. Then maybe when things do disappoint or frustrate me, it won’t be such a big deal. ---
**Author:** ![existexistence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@existexistence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/existexistence)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/33 "2014-08-08T22:38:17Z")
> [@jerez](#): > > It may be behavior that you’ve learned from your parents, for example. I guess I haven’t thought about that much, but it is definitely true. My dad was very frustrated and angry a lot of the time while I grew up… ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/34 "2014-08-09T00:43:58Z")
Your reactions to any situation, no matter how annoying, are a choice. The sooner you internalize that fully, your life will change. Assuming you’re getting upset over things that would irritate others, look around, are there other people not losing their shit over the same things? Probably yes. That’s because they chose not to let it upset them. I recommend two things to you, 1. Write it down. Whenever you are angry or frustrated, write it all out, the little details the reasons it gets to you, etc. (returning to it in a months time you will be stunned at how petty and self absorbed you were!) 2. Spend an afternoon or two in a day care surrounded by small tantrum throwing children. While there remind yourself that you are ‘choosing’ this behaviour, while they are too immature to recognize that yet. Look hard, and notice that their tantrums are always counterproductive and a waste of energy. When you truly begin to recognize that you are being enslaved by your habitual reactions, you’ll finally be able to begin to step away from that path. It’s like anything, you need only overcome your first instinct a couple of times, before you will find yourself truly empowered to find a better path forward. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/35 "2014-08-09T01:14:09Z")
Your anger may be a projection of anger towards you expressed in early life, which you may have buried the original issue inside you (forced you to accept their anger towards your behavior so you now express their anger towards those who commit the behavior). Focus on the effect on you, and why you should spend such energy for perhaps someone’s else’s cause. ---
**Author:** ![existexistence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@existexistence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/existexistence)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/36 "2014-08-09T01:42:06Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Your reactions to any situation, no matter how annoying, are a choice. The sooner you internalize that fully, your life will change. Assuming you’re getting upset over things that would irritate others, look around, are there other people not losing their shit over the same things? Probably yes. That’s because they chose not to let it upset them. > > I recommend two things to you, > > 1. Write it down. Whenever you are angry or frustrated, write it all out, the little details the reasons it gets to you, etc. (returning to it in a months time you will be stunned at how petty and self absorbed you were!) > > 2. Spend an afternoon or two in a day care surrounded by small tantrum throwing children. While there remind yourself that you are ‘choosing’ this behaviour, while they are too immature to recognize that yet. Look hard, and notice that their tantrums are always counterproductive and a waste of energy. > > When you truly begin to recognize that you are being enslaved by your habitual reactions, you’ll finally be able to begin to step away from that path. It’s like anything, you need only overcome your first instinct a couple of times, before you will find yourself truly empowered to find a better path forward. > > Good Luck! Thank you! “(returning to it in a months time you will be stunned at how petty and self absorbed you were!)” I have actually done this a few times! It’s so very petty and self absorbed, and yet my thoughts still manage to take themselves there again and again! I think that it is my weakness to want to delegate the responsibility of why I feel so angry to external sources, when in reality the responsibility lies solely within my decision to respond this way. I have settled myself into this very bad habit and I guess it’s just something that I will need to practice at if I will ever overcome it. When I wrote the original post, I was mad - and I do see that I made if off like I am mad like that all of the time. I am not mad all of the time. But it does happen a lot. I also use smoking to numb myself to the things that irritate me, and this too is making my learning curve a lot longer than it needs to be, which is probably why I have built up such a routine about it. I actually feel really relieved that I was able to post honestly how I feel, and got some real-life responses from real people to the way that I feel, and not just reading about how someone else feels that is similar, but doesn’t exactly encompass everything I am feeling. To have 20+ people share their thoughts about what I can do to surpass this immaturity has been extremely guiding and positive, and I truly and sincerely thank you all! Although it is humiliating to admit to this irrational response to the every day things that we all deal with; Humiliation aside - this has truly helped me look at it from a far more realistic view. I think I am going to be okay 😃 When I type in “life sucks” to google, it is because I am mad, and in that moment I feel like life sucks - and so I use those phrases to get to other forums where someone has posted a similar phrase to find people that feel that angry too and it made me feel normal because I wasn’t the only one, and it was really helpful up to a point, and usually would calm me down. Posting my own experience and getting this help sort of feels like the final puzzle piece to really healing myself for good. This has been really helpful, so thank you SDMB 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![existexistence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@existexistence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/existexistence)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/37 "2014-08-09T01:53:45Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > (2) Change your expectations. If you expect life to be annoying (for example, expect traffic to be lousy, or expect politicians to say stupid things), when it happens you’ll be resigned rather than upset. It’ll just be a regular part of life. > > (3) Write down the stuff that’s making you mad. Turn it into a funny story, or maybe a dramatic one where some superhero comes in and kicks the ass of whomever or whatever is making you mad. Use it as raw material for conversation or writing. Figure out how to laugh about it. I quite like these two suggestions! They have both crossed my mind briefly in the somewhat recent past but I have not really ever tried either, but I think these are great tips. Thank you! ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/38 "2014-08-09T02:14:32Z")
One thing that might help your self-esteem is to remember that you can’t help how you feel about something. I disagree with, **elbows**. I don’t think anyone chooses their feelings. Not any more than they choose to feel pain when they stub their toe. It takes a lot to piss me off, but this isn’t a conscious choice. It’s just how I am. That’s how it is for most people who don’t ever lose their temper, I think. For years, I used to beat myself up for not feeling how other people feel. There’s nothing more useless and pathetic than feeling ashamed about feeling ashamed. So don’t beat yourself up too much. You are entitled to feel however you want to feel as long…as you aren’t disrupting anyone else. You can empower yourself by being more conscious of your thoughts, though. What thoughts do you have when you get really angry? Maybe if you isolate the thoughts beforehand, you will be more aware of them when they arise so you can challenge them and squelch the resulting emotional reaction. Like, if you think, “I never get my way!” you can stop yourself and remind yourself that you aren’t as helpless as that sentiment implies. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/39 "2014-08-09T02:28:47Z")
How you feel is not a choice so much, but how you respond always is. Always. That we control our responses, when we have to, is proof. We don’t curse out our boss or our parents, - by choice! ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994/40 "2014-08-09T04:30:27Z")
Cognitive Behavior Therapy is specifically about learning to break the self-destructive ruts that we sometimes develop in our thinking. One of these ruts is saying things like “all of life sucks” or “everything is worthless”. This is called absolutism and it’s not a logical response. CBT is about learning to respond in pragmatic or rational ways to irrational negativity. You might find some books on CBT to be useful to you. Try some of the stuff written by Albert Ellis or David Burns. They’re both scientists but they have a number of useful books for laymen looking to apply CBT principals to their lives. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-makes-me-mad-advice-requested-edited/694994.md?page=3)