# Life sure would be different with legal, NSA itch scratching **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 28, 2011, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590 "2011-05-28T19:59:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/61 "2011-05-30T17:36:33Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > I’ve heard Savage recommend trying swinger’s clubs for couples like you. Not to actually have sex with others, but to watch the activity and flirting go on all around. It seems to have a positive effect on a lot of people’s low libidos. > > Some of these folks progress onto things like “watch and be watched” with other couples. > > Some of course progress further and succeed or fail or have other outcomes, depending on their circumstances. As long as there’s not an element of jealousy added in, the flirting and watching others flirt can be a really healthy way to improve one’s sex life with one’s own partner. Though I have a somewhat open relationship with **Acid Lamp** , we negotiate with each other on any potential “goes beyond flirtation” behavior well before it happens. Flirting is considered okay, and is occasionally encouraged as a bit of _mutual interest enhancing_ behavior. > [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > You’re right, of course. But is anyone suggesting to the OP that he actually get an actual girlfriend? That’s polyamory to me. It sounded to me like people were suggesting an open _sexual_ relationship to the OP, which is more in line with the swinging. There are definitely men in the swinger groups who have permission to play (and it’s verified with the wives-- the swingers tend to be VERY judgey of cheaters, banning them from activities) as single men, without their partners. NSA sex= swinger stuff, less poly. 🙂 I would definitely agree with you on that one. Though we’re somewhat open, the interest in being regular swingers or fully polyamorous isn’t really there for us; we just occasionally agree to scratch an itch or two. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/62 "2011-05-30T19:09:16Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > People who claim not to be interested in open non-monogamy are generally only that way because they refuse to educate themselves on the subject, or have been subjected to religious brainwashing. Or because they know that they would feel jealous/unhappy/etc. at doing it and want to spare themselves the pain. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/63 "2011-05-30T19:19:54Z")
Some people actually find a lot of fulfillment in monogamy. Most people, in fact. That bond actually means something. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/64 "2011-05-30T19:44:10Z")
Dio, we get your stance…you’ve stated it rather succenctly. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/65 "2011-05-30T19:53:15Z")
**Dio** , most people I know don’t consider mild flirting with no intention to go further than flirtation to be going outside of the bounds of monogamy. However, in your world of “women don’t need or want orgasms” and “monogamy is the only way”, maybe looking at someone else the wrong way would be construed as breaking the bonds of a monogamous relationship. We’re allowed to be different and agree to disagree, but we’re trying to figure out what may or may not work in **Unintentionally Blank** ’s marriage. We’re not saying he _has_ to try these things, but only that they are available and may work for him and his wife. Worst case scenario, they separate after some point so that they can find more sexually compatible partners because obviously their current scenario is not working. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/66 "2011-05-30T19:56:34Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Some people actually find a lot of fulfillment in monogamy. Most people, in fact. That bond actually means something. So does ours. **Nashiitashii** and I have been together for eight years. In that time we’ve had perhaps four encounters with a third partner. That’s roughly \*once every two years or so. \* I daresay our commitment and bond is quite strong and fulfilling. No need to be derisive simply because we enjoy a broader sexual palate than you do. Frankly, considering how liberal you usually are I’m rather surprised at your prudishness on this issue. Not everyone takes the same vows you know. We chose to love and care for each other _above_ all others, that does not preclude us from enjoying the physical company of another every now and then. We do not love that person in a romantic sense. They are more like a playmate, or a friend you meet up with mostly just for racquetball. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/67 "2011-05-30T19:58:53Z")
At which point I say: the marriage is stronger than this…if push comes to shove, I’ll do what’s necessary to keep the rest of my relationship sound…but…It sure would be smoother sailing if this specific need were more adequately met. I’m not going to Fuckup a 95% perfect relationship over it. (uh, so to speak) ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/68 "2011-05-30T20:06:08Z")
> [@nashiitashii](#): > > Maybe it’s just because I have a fairly high sex drive, but I can’t imagine this being an acceptable arrangement if I were on the receiving end of only climaxing 1/3 of the time I had sex with _anyone_, let alone my husband. Congratulations, you’ve just hit on the primary reason women with low sex drive tend to opt for not having sex instead of doing it just to make him happy. Lying back and thinking of England on any sort of regular basis sucks some serious ass. If they were only having sex when she actually wanted to, I suspect her percentage would be substantially higher. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/69 "2011-05-30T20:24:22Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Congratulations, you’ve just hit on the primary reason women with low sex drive tend to opt for not having sex instead of doing it just to make him happy. Lying back and thinking of England on any sort of regular basis sucks some serious ass. **If they were only having sex when she actually wanted to, I suspect her percentage would be substantially higher.** Yes, but as someone who occasionally suffers the same libido imbalance (damnable changing hormones and medications) if my husband and I only had sex when _I felt like it,_ we’d be doing the horizontal tango exactly once a month during my low times, and only then if we happen to catch it as it flies by. :rolleyes: Then I’d have a very unhappy, most likely bald, and stressed husband. Most of the time when he persuades me into it, I end up enjoying myself, even if I don’t climax, so I don’t think I have it as bad as **Unintentionally** ’s wife. Even so, there is a basic mindset that I have to have where I’m ok with being jollied into sex when I’m not really interested. I figure it’s a whole lot better than having to get up and go to work when I’m not really interested (which also happens during my low spots) - at least my husband tries to get me excited, which is more than I can say about work! ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/70 "2011-05-30T20:34:56Z")
Having given this topic a WHOLE lotta thought (obviously) it also seems like her libido is higher when the overall stress level in her life is low. Problem with THAT being: with the kids, and work, and the stress of running a cabinet level elected position in her recreational society, the chances of her HAVING a period of low stress life is approaching zero. Me? If I’m breathing, I’m pretty much up for it. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590/71 "2011-05-30T21:19:02Z")
If you want some real advice - do all the housework. Seriously. It’s better than Spanish Fly. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/life-sure-would-be-different-with-legal-nsa-itch-scratching/583590.md?page=3)