# Light bulb joke thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 23, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009 "2005-12-23T20:42:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/1 "2005-12-23T20:42:15Z")
The ur-joke in this venerable genre, for those very few of you who might not know it – I first heard it sometime in the '70s, it is probably much, much older: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? Five! One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder! Which, of course, plays off the (I have no doubt unjust) ethnic stereotype that Poles are stupid, or, at least, that they do everything backwards. But the joke eventually spawned a family of variations. E.g.: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None! They have a machine that can do that now! How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one! But the light bulb has to **want** to change! How many computer tech-support personnel does it take to change a light bulb? Usually, none! Just leave the house and come back in again, and the light bulb will be working! How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None! That’s a hardware problem! How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None! They just make darkness the industry standard! How many supply-side economists does it take to change a light bulb? None! The darkness will cause the light bulb to change itself! How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb? None! The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution! How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb? 100! One to screw in the new bulb, and 99 to chant, “Fight darkness!” How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Three! . . . But, they’re really only one. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? 50! One to screw in the new bulb . . . and 49 to try to figure out what to do with the old one. :eek: What are your faves? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/2 "2005-12-23T20:47:13Z")
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Why change? My _grandmother_ gave the church that lightbulb! ---
**Author:** ![Ka-BOOM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/97f17d/32.png) [@Ka-BOOM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ka-BOOM)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/3 "2005-12-23T20:56:26Z")
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? Four–one to change it and three to say they could do it better. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? One–he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares? ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_Mann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@Rich\_Mann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_Mann)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/4 "2005-12-23T20:57:50Z")
How many elderly mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, it’s okay…I don’t want to bother you…I’ll just sit here in the dark…crying… ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/5 "2005-12-23T21:01:17Z")
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb. Two ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/6 "2005-12-23T21:01:33Z")
How many fundies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but only for procreation. ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/7 "2005-12-23T21:02:41Z")
How many SDMBers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change the bulb and one to ask for a cite. ---
**Author:** ![Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nefarious_chipmunk/32/1045_2.png) [@Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nefarious_Chipmunk)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/8 "2005-12-23T21:07:59Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb. > Two I always heard this one with flies. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I don’t know how they got in there. I assume this is the joke being told. Otherwise I totally missed it. ---
**Author:** ![bdgr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a87d85/32.png) [@bdgr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bdgr)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/9 "2005-12-23T21:10:28Z")
How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the keyboard player can do it with his left hand. How many feminists does it to take to change a light bulb? Thats not funny. How many surealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to fill the bathtup with colorfull hand tools. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/10 "2005-12-23T21:22:11Z")
> [@bdgr](#): > > How many surealists does it take to change a lightbulb? > > Two, one to change the bulb and one to fill the bathtup with colorfull hand tools. The way I always heard it: How many Dadaists does it take to change a light bulb? Two! One to fetch the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools! How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A fish! On a different note . . . How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three! One to screw in the bulb, and one to confuse the issue! ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/11 "2005-12-23T21:28:05Z")
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he has to endure a hundred Republicans asking why he hates darkness. ---
**Author:** ![Figaro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ea666f/32.png) [@Figaro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Figaro)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/12 "2005-12-23T21:35:32Z")
> [@Ka-BOOM!!!](#): > > How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? > One–he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. This is also a standard soprano or tenor joke in the opera world. Another fave: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, and two more to kick it out from under her. ---
**Author:** ![633squadron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/ee59a6/32.png) [@633squadron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/633squadron)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/13 "2005-12-23T21:36:28Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > The ur-joke in this venerable genre, for those very few of you who might not know it – I first heard it sometime in the '70s, it is probably much, much older: > > How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? > Five! One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder! My favorite is How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! Californians don’t screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub! At this point, someone should post the infamous newsgroup version of the joke. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/14 "2005-12-23T21:47:17Z")
How many pro-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? Three: One to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder and one to argue that the bulb was lit the moment you started screwing. ---
**Author:** ![633squadron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/ee59a6/32.png) [@633squadron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/633squadron)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/15 "2005-12-23T22:15:18Z")
How many Internet users does it take to change a light blub. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 21 to flame the spell checkers 49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb 69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, “Me Too.” 6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 9 to quote the “Me Too’s” and happily add, “Me Three!” 3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold\_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 53 votes for alt.lite.bulb. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/16 "2005-12-23T22:18:06Z")
How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That’s not funny. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/17 "2005-12-23T22:24:51Z")
I’ve always liked this one: How may white guys does it take to change a light bulb? One. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/18 "2005-12-23T22:48:34Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > I’ve always liked this one: > > How may white guys does it take to change a light bulb? > > One. The way I heard that one, it was “Canadians.” (The point being that there is nothing funny or interesting about Canadians.) ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/19 "2005-12-23T23:05:39Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > The way I heard that one, it was “Canadians.” > > (The point being that there is nothing funny or interesting about Canadians.) And all the ones that _are_ funny or interesting moved to the US. ---
**Author:** ![marque\_elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71c47a/32.png) [@marque\_elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marque_elf)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009/20 "2005-12-23T23:11:43Z")
> [@633squadron](#): > > My favorite is > > How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > None! Californians don’t screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub! > > At this point, someone should post the infamous newsgroup version of the joke. :eek: I’d heard this as: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Twelve. One to do the work and the rest to share the experience. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/light-bulb-joke-thread/337009.md?page=2)