# Like a Cold, Wet Squirrel Nose to the Balls **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 23, 2014, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545 "2014-01-23T18:39:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tully\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7ab992/32.png) [@Tully\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tully_Mars)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/1 "2014-01-23T18:39:55Z")
So, I wake up at 5:30, as usual. I stumble five steps into the bathroom and I sit down on the toilet, still not quite able to bring my eyes into focus. Then, I hear a strange “GLURG. BUBBLE. SPLASH” beneath me! Something bumps against my testicles. I hop up and turn around and see a large, dark brown blob in the toilet. My first thought is that a very large lump of fecal matter has somehow defied gravity with its superior buoyancy. Then, my engineering mind turns a gear, “But it’s strangely symmetrical?”. I leaned over for a closer look, squinting, trying to force my eyes to focus, “It has a head? And Hair? What the hell is this?” I leaned closer and squinted harder. It’s a damned squirrel. It stirs feebly. “Shit, it’s still alive.” I decide I need some gloves to avoid a squirrel bite. I stumble, naked, to the garage. There is a strong, cold, north wind rattling the garage door. All I have there are motorcycle gloves and I don’t want to get them wet. I head back to the bedroom to get some pants and keys. Then I told my wife about it. She had the presence of mind to close the toilet lid to keep it from escaping into the house, then she goes back to bed. I got some work gloves out of the truck and headed back to the bathroom. When I lifted the lid, there lies one dead squirrel. I assume he drowned. I wrapped up Mr. Squirrel and said a few kind words before I consigned his soul to the depths of the garbage bag. As I later drove to work, I realized I was very lucky it was alive enough to pop up into the bowl. I can only imagine the ugliness of trying to snake that carcass out of the pipe. I was also luck that it was feeble (or drowned) enough not to bite me in the balls. That would have been a fun story down at the local emergency room, now wouldn’t it? “Sure you were sitting on the toilet. We get that a lot here.” ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/2 "2014-01-23T18:43:25Z")
Wow. That would have scared the … um, shit out of me! ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/3 "2014-01-23T18:45:22Z")
Oh my god. Where in the hell did it come from? Maybe the plumbing vent? ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/4 "2014-01-23T18:49:25Z")
You forgot to add the part where you screamed like a 7 year old girl. You must have, because I know I would have! ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/5 "2014-01-23T18:56:32Z")
It must have come through the pipes since it was half drowned? It wouldn’t have just hopped into the water from elsewhere, would it? That’s the most terrifying story I’ve read in quite a while. Aaaaarrrrrrrgh! ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/6 "2014-01-23T18:57:27Z")
Or at least yelled, “- - the FUCK???” ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/7 "2014-01-23T18:59:01Z")
Maybe it was looking for some nuts. ---
**Author:** ![randompattern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@randompattern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randompattern)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/8 "2014-01-23T19:01:02Z")
What the hell did you eat?!? ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/9 "2014-01-23T19:02:47Z")
> [@randompattern](#): > > What the hell did you eat?!? Bwahahaha!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/10 "2014-01-23T19:22:44Z")
Poor guy. Probably came down the roof vent looking for a warm place to hang out. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/11 "2014-01-23T19:30:43Z")
Is it merely an old wives tale that they chew the orhter guy’s testicles off in fights? ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/12 "2014-01-23T19:33:26Z")
Have you written the screen play for this episode yet? It’s Gold, Jerry! ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/13 "2014-01-23T21:00:50Z")
And you thought only seals could balance a ball on their nose… ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/14 "2014-01-23T21:46:58Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > Maybe it was looking for some nuts. Booooo.:dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/15 "2014-01-23T21:55:52Z")
> [@Finagle](#): > > Poor guy. Probably came down the roof vent looking for a warm place to hang out. And nearly found it. ---
**Author:** ![James\_Toothpaste](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e56c9b/32.png) [@James\_Toothpaste](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/James_Toothpaste)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/16 "2014-01-23T22:09:27Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Is it merely an old wives tale that they chew the orhter guy’s testicles off in fights? Yes. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/17 "2014-01-23T22:19:40Z")
> [@James\_Toothpaste](#): > > Yes. Not surprising. The woman who told me also believed that thing about opossum reproduction. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2014, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/18 "2014-01-23T22:40:52Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Is it merely an old wives tale that they chew the orhter guy’s testicles off in fights? That’s honey badgers, not squirrels. ---
**Author:** ![Tully\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7ab992/32.png) [@Tully\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tully_Mars)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2014, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/19 "2014-01-24T00:22:09Z")
The wise cracks to go with this story just write themselves. I’m reminded of the Simpsons episode where Homer finds a slice of pie in the kitchen floor. “Look! Toilet Squirrel!” Or the obligatory redneck joke: Had I been thinking, I could’ve broke out the crock pot and I would have hot squirrel and dumplings waiting when I get home from work. Ummm, Ummm, toilet marinated squirrel. Just need some cornbread to go with that. I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud. ---
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2014, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545/20 "2014-01-24T00:55:11Z")
^^ ew!! But maybe he was waiting for an angry beaver instead of your offerings, Tully. The shock kilt him. eta: I shall forever hereafter LOOK before sitting! Toilet phobia now, thankyouverymuch. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/like-a-cold-wet-squirrel-nose-to-the-balls/679545.md?page=2)