The pain… the pain…
- No Frodma 2003 world shall have extremely sophisticated applications of technology (such as flush toilets, hot water showers, commercial printing presses, clockworks, telescopes, gliders, etc.), and yet somehow not have gunpowder or steam engines.
**
I have a novel in my head that does not have ANY cliches at all, except possibly the ‘escape from a prison cell because the guards are too stupid’ one.
-
There will be a damn good reason for the failure of the Dark Lord to have caught a crossbow quarrel with his spine prior to the Hero embarking on the quest to destroy him.
-
There will be a damn good reason for the hero carrying the Corrupting Object of Doom not to chuck it in a box and thusly cart it around without suffering from its maleficient effects.
-
For the fuxoring love of Io, don’t give blind people second sight. Just leave them the first.
-
Build up to threatening the world. A Dark Lord that seeks to end all life will be thwarted easily. A Dark Lord that seeks to extract more taxes from an area to fund his evil schemes, which will be used to plunge the area into a war with neighbors, which will spill the blood of 1000 innocent men over the Cursed Plain where the demon lord Qkblz REMs, is more interesting.
How about a fantasy novel set on the moon of a gas giant planet, which is locked in synchronous rotation with said gas giant planet? Like this:
36: Technology shall advance if the story (or backstory) takes place over the course of thousands (or even hundreds) of years.
The novel shall not start out in Peacefuldale, where our hero-to-be is roused from his simple, quiet life into a web of adventure and mayhem.
Only Ricardo Pinto and China Mieville will ever be allowed to write a fantasy novel again, as they obey every law yet stated. They really do, they’re great.
38: The world of a FRODMA '03 Novel will never be revealed as or hinted to be the far-future or far-past of Earth.
Ye shall not use Elves, Dwarves, Goblins, Trolls, and Orcs. And you don’t get credit for not using Elves, Dwarves, Goblins, Trolls, and Orcs if you simply rename them as other things. You also don’t get credit if, say, your Dwarves are short, bearded, grumpy, Scottish, temperamental, and axe-wielding -BUT- are not particularly good craftsmen.
Wow! What a great thread idea!
Hmmmm… I think I am uncertain about this point. Most of the trilogies or two-parters I have read must be in that format to tell the story. Most of the stand-alone fantasy novels I have read have struck me as being inferior to the original and tend to be a quick way to cash in on some earlier novel’s success.
OK, here are some rules I would add to Frodman ’03:
40: No supremely evil dark lord ala Sauron/”the Dark One”. It has been done to death. Anyway, these sorts of villains always come out the same. Frodman ’03 stories need an enemy with a motive more interesting than “I do what I do because I am evil! Bwah ha haa! I am Eviiiiiil!”
41: Evil leaders must have some reason why people actually follow them. (They are charismatic; they are followed out of religious conviction, etc)
42: I am not sure this should be a steadfast rule, but I also think we have seen to many magical rings / swords, and one to many “fireball” spells.
Guys, excellent work. A few repeated ones, but overall you’ve done an excellent job of composing FRODMA 2003.
Let me put it all together for you, with some editing:
-
A FRODMA 2003 fantasy story shall be no longer than one novel. Multiple stories may be told within a single fantasy universe, but each must be a stand-alone book.
-
No FRODMA 2003 fantasy novel shall include footnotes, appendices, or prologues. The novel will begin at Chapter 1 and end at “The End.”
-
No character in a FRODMA 2003 fantasy novel will have an apostrophe in her or his name.
-
FRODMA 2003 fantasy novels shall not, under any circumstances, include a map in the front or back of the book.
-
The dramatis personae of a FRODMA 2003 novel shall never include any of the following characters:
- A young, plucky girl who can talk to wolves, dolphins, dragons, eagles, or any other animal frequently found on airbrushed sweatshirts
- Any character who is so obviously a ripoff of Gandalf it makes you want to barf, like, say, “Polgara the Sorceress”
- An intelligent horse, dog, dragon, or dolphin.
- An intelligent sword
- A rakish but good-hearted thief/bandit
- A cowardly and/or incompetent young apprentice wizard whose spells backfire to hilarious effect
- A cynical older warrior who reveals that he has a heart of gold in the last act
- The plucky young country lass/lad whose naive innocence stands in sharp contrast to the corruption of the big city.
- The lascivious cleric who enjoys wine, women, and song more than his vocation.
- A blind character with a “Second sight.”
-
The title of a FRODMA 2003 novel may not include any of the following words or forms thereof: Dragon, Sword, Horse, Wolf, Dungeon, Kingdom, Quest, Magic, Wizard, (or any synonym of “magician”) Castle, Keep, Fortress, King/Queen/Any other noble title, Prophecy, Tale.
-
FRODMA 2003 novels shall avoid the use of Macguffins. Any object that is the object of pursuit shall have a real impact on the story or characters besides its existence and importance.
-
No FRODMA 2003 character will ever be surprised to find that s/he is related to a rival or a powerful individual they didn’t know they were related to (the “Luke, I Am Your Father” Rule.)
-
All FRODMA 2003 stories shall have a beginning, middle, and end. The end shall resolve all major plot threads, leaving only minor loose ends to be addressed in sequels or spin-offs.
-
Under no circumstances shall the main character be revealed to be the Chosen One, the Hero Foretold by Legend, the One True Prophet, the Last of his Race, the First of a New Breed, or the Child of a God (legitimate or otherwise), etc, etc. If the author wishes to take this route, he must stick to something more down to earth, and make his hero merely the Lost Heir to the Kingdom.
-
Under no circumstances shall the climax of a FRODMA 2003 novel involve the discovery that a character or item possesses some previously unsuspected power. As a corollary, any supernatural abilities used as key plot points in the second half of the book must be foreshadowed in the first half of the book.
-
Characters shall behave according to their age and their experience. Thus twelve-year-old farm girls will not have wisdom and keen insight far beyond their years; nor will elderly viziers, wizards and generals of vast empires act like ignorant, immature, indecisive brats.
-
No FRODMA 2003 novel shall contain a Thieves’ Guild, Assassins’ Guild etc. Any criminal organization described in FRODME 2003 novels shall behave like actual criminal organizations, not like members of a High School student council.
-
The main antagonist of the Frodma 2003 novel shall have proper motivations for whatever he does, not just “I destroy because I’m EVIL!”
14A. (joshmaker’s law) The antagonist may not be referred to as a “Dark Lord,” “Supreme Evil One,” or somesuch supreme-evil-badguy title. Creepy names are fine, but they cannot be ripoffs of “Dark Lord.” (Acceptable and creative examples include “He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named” from Harry Potter, or the myriad names, like “Walkin’ Dude,” given Randall Flagg in “The Stand.”)
- FRODMA 2003 novels shall happen in maximum of three (possibly two) countries, not including the land the “Dark Lord” operates from, if such land is included. The majority of the action shall take place in one country. Under no circumstances will the protagonist wander around in a bunch of generic cookie-cutter countries which seem like they’ve been rolled with dice.
15B. (Legomancer’s Corollary) Countries named in the book shall not have childishly expositional names, such as naming the antagonist’s fortress “Skull Mountain” or naming the protagonist’s home village “Peaceful Junction.”
15C. (Furryman’s Corollary) The nation-states in a FRODMA 2003 novel will not be merely Dungeons-and-Dragons versions of medeival European kingdoms.
-
Magic shall have clearly defined and reasonable limits to its inherent power, so it is obvious why those possessing magical powers haven’t taken over the world yet. (“They’re all good” is not a good explanation.)
-
Characters of humble background (e.g., Woodrow Brownberry, the apprentice back-shaver of Spitwash Downs) will not suddenly be made counselors and partners in adventure to powerful kings and wizards simply because they found the magic doodad or delivered a message. They’ll be given a 5-grotnork tip and sent home.
-
The cover art of a FRODMA 2003 novel shall not give away important plot points (e.g., The Sword of Shannarra).
-
FRODMA 2003 authors shall at all times attempt to avoid using Tolkien-D&D-English mythology as their base mythology.
-
FRODMA 2003 may not have spin-off computer games, especially those featuring “a band of heroes.”
-
FRODMA 2003 novels shall not include smug, cute little humanoids whose gentle nature and simplicity hold the key to saving the universe.
-
Homosexual characters may not be used in any steroetypical manner similar to North American movies or situation comedies. Prohibited roles for gay characters include: token flamer comic relief; outrageous gayboy friend of a female lead with romantic advice; subtly fey evil bad guy; Amazon lesbian lover warrior-chicks; child abuser. Gay characters must be as multidimensional and human as straight characters.
-
Otherwise commonplace fantasy concepts or creatures shall not be thinly disguised by feeble spelling variations, including but not limited to the substitution of other vowels by the letter “Y” (e.g., “weyr-wolf,” “magyck,” “goblyn.”)
-
Villains shall not demonstrate their evilness by casually ripping the still-beating hearts from their foes/incompetent minions.
-
The author shall, whenever possible, refrain from employing the FRODMA 2003 fantasy novel as a blatant format for political axe-grinding, or for airing out personal issues that probably should remain personal ("…As Baryk stroked the idol, he felt a strange passion and suddenly found himself transformed into a glittering, nubile elf-maiden…")
-
Any character employed as comic relief should, in fact, be funny.
-
If, at any point during the mission/quest/thing, should said comic-relief character becomes an actual liability through pratfalls or madcap antics, they shall not be permitted to tag along to the conclusion while wisecracking mercilessly, but instead shall be jettisoned as per Rule 17.
-
Should the FRODMA 2003 fantasy novel incorporate supernatural, theological or mythological themes or elements, the author must invest a little time in actually providing some specifics, just like all actual religions do, instead of relying solely on empty New Age/High School Wiccan/Guitar-Folksinging-Christian catchphrases.
28a. (Terrifel’s Rule): No goddess shall be identified solely as “The Goddess.”
-
No Frodma 2003 world shall have extremely sophisticated applications of technology (such as flush toilets, hot water showers, commercial printing presses, clockworks, telescopes, gliders, etc.), and yet somehow not have gunpowder or steam engines.
-
FRODMA 2003 novels will never have characters knowingly carrying magical objects with maleficient, inconvenient, or dangerous effects out in the open where they can do harm.
-
FRODMA 2003 novels will have antagonists that do specific bad things, not just “destroying the world.”
-
If a FRODMA 2003 novel or novels covers many centuries of the history of a particular fantasy universe, there must be a reasonable and proportional degree of actual technological advancement.
-
No FRODMA 2003 novel will begin with the protagonist being rousted out of a Peaceful Little Village to embark on hodeously dangerous adventures.
-
FRODMA 2003 novels may never take place in a world that is revealed to be either the distant past or distant future of Earth.
-
FRODMA 2003 novels shall not include Elves, Orcs, Hobgoblins, Kobolds, Dwarves, Hobbits, Gnomes, Halflings, Drows, Uruk-Hai, Gnolls, Goblins, Trolls, Ogres, Lizard Men, or any other humanoid race stolen from the Tolkein tradition or EverQuest.
-
FRODMA 2003 novels will not include magical rings or swords.
-
FRODMA 2003 novels will not involve wizards casting fireball spells, or anything else that seems to have been stolen from a Spell List for a roleplaying game.
No magical swords … how about magical scabbards? The hero’s plucky sidekick could have a scabbard of scord resistance. (It’s so powerful that no sword can be sheathed in it!)
It would also be so powerful that it could go back and fix spelling mistakes, like typing “scord” when I meant “sword”. :smack:
Hey, check it out! I’ve got a rule. That’s right, FRODMA '03:28a, that was me; that was all mine.
Hmm…
I’ve already managed to adhere to most of these, purely on instinct. Where do I find a publisher for what should, on the face of it, be a heckuva good fantasy novel?
I suppose I should ask:
What does FRODMA stand for?
Fantasy
Riting
Only
Don’t
Make
Abvious choices?
Looks like my most recent still passes.
7 and 8 are close, but the magical object does affect the main character to some extent, and, though the character does discover he’s related to a powerful being, it’s just a throwaway punchline for the final chapter and has no bearing on the plot (and, as a matter of fact, he doesn’t make the connection that a relation is involved, though an astute reader might).
I avoided most of the problems by setting the entire thing in specific (down to the exact date) and recognizable historical times and locations. There are no spells, no wizards, just a cabal of worshippers of the Bright Gods (whose origin is clearly explained). The cabal isn’t interested in destroying the world; they’re interested in ruling it. And though the hero’s life is saved by a power he knew nothing about (not his), the book makes it triply clear that this is going to happen.
In any case, I’m still contacting agents about it. On the down side, the fact that is fits so well into the FRODMA rules means that it’s going to be damned hard to sell.
What about that:
All countries and races of this world must have cultural, historic and religous background, some actions taken must be explained with cultural reasons. The cultures choosen don’t have to be the european cultures of the middle ages (whats about the arabian or an meso-american culture?)
“Bad” races, like orcs, don’t have to be bad. I could be that the humans only said that the orcs are bad, because they were the enemies of humans. We not write a story about a group of enslaved orcs, ruled by a human tyrannt? In my opinion, all creatures have the choice to be bad or good and that counts also for orcs, trolls, giants, goblins and others.