# Limericks anyone? (NSFW)
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 18, 2009, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408 "2009-07-18T03:40:33Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Al\_B.Itt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Al_B.Itt)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/1 "2009-07-18T03:40:33Z")
Some of my favorites:
There once was a man from Alsace
Whose balls were made out of brass.
When they clanged together,
They played Stormy Weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose tool was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear were more near, I would fuck it.”
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Whose pussy was big as a bucket.
She asked, “Is it in?”
And I thought with chagrin
That I’d best use a fence post to fuck it.
There once was a woman from Hunt
Who smoked a cigar with her cunt
Smoke rings she did blow
As part of the show.
It was really a hell of a stunt!
In the garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Saw a charming young patient alone,
And in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And my how his business has grown!
There was a big lady from Dallas,
Desperately seeking a phallus.
She was virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
While visiting her boyfriend in France,
Charmaine played some pool in his pants.
When she tickled his taint
His penis got spraint,
And his nuts did a quick little dance.
There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long it was bent.
To save her some trouble
He folded it double.
And rather than coming…he went.
I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint.
The girl had arthritis,
So we did decide us
She wouldn’t mind one more stiff joint.
There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Just to be couth,
He added vermouth
Then offered his girl a martini.
There once was a fellow O’Doole
Had blotchy red spots on his tool.
His doctor, the cynic
Said “Get out of my clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick, you fool!”
A pirate, who history relates,
Was scuffling with some of his mates,
Slipped with the cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And damned nearly useless on dates.
There was a young lady from Wheeling,
Who thought she lacked sexual feeling.
When a young lad named Boris
Deftly licked her clitoris,
She had to be scraped from the ceiling.
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a new sex machine.
Concave or convex,
It could do either sex,
But it sure was a bastard to clean!
There once was a lad from Helsinki
Whose prick looked just like a Twinkie
Said the whore, “For a shilling
I’ll suck out the filling,
And then we’ll try something more kinky.”
There once was a boy name of Kevin
Used the vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Tried eight, got to nine,
Thought ten’d be divine.
Instead made the news at eleven.
There was a young girl from Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance
A passenger fucked her
And so’d the conductor
While the driver shot off in his pants.
“I’ll tell you,” smiled prom chairman Mose,
“Why Peggy’s the prom queen I chose:
She’s young and she’s free
Like the wind on the sea,
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!”
In chapel, the sight of young May
Sent naughty thoughts Timothy’s way.
And a sticky wet palm
At the end of the psalm
When the parson cried,“Come, Let us spray!”
Since a stage-struck massage girl named Hart
Knows directors who sample her art,
She’s aware what controls
The assignment of roles
Is a good working grasp of the part.
There was a young lady from Ayr
Who remarked, “There is naught to compare
With the size and the force
And the thrust of my Horst
As he pokes at my sweet derriere.”
There once was a lady from Nizus,
Whose breasts were two different sizes,
One was small,
and round like a ball,
And the other was big and won prizes.
There once was an fry cook named Ross
Who was fired one day by his boss
Because he was found
With his pants on the ground
Making his own secret sauce.
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
And not touch a vaginal wall.
Once a young woman named Alice
Tried a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And one of her titties in Dallas.
“That piano man’s surely the meanest
and shortest and smallest and leanest.
I aquired him”, said Feeny,
“As a gift from a Genie
Who thought I said ten-inch pianist.”
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was thin as a pin.
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said “This won’t be much of a sin.”
There once was a man name of Ray
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore his poor foreskin away.
Two guys at a condom convention
Attracted a lot of attention.
“Whose dong is the bigger?”
They argued with vigor.
But it’s still a bone of contention.
There once was a man from Belgras
Whose balls were made out of glass.
On hot sunny days
They focused sun rays
And burned all the hair off his ass.
While groping around late at night,
Miss Keller’s wet pussy grew tight.
She rubbed her hot gland,
With just her left hand,
And silently moaned with her right.
_Not strictly a limerick, but still funny IMO:_
Under the spreading chestnut tree,
The village smithy sat
Amusing himself
By abusing himself,
And catching the wad in his hat.
---
### Author:  [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/2 "2009-07-18T03:54:17Z")
There once was a guy on the Straight Dope
Who was really bad at writing limericks
So they just kinda trailed off in the middle…
---
### Author:  [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/3 "2009-07-18T04:29:25Z")
There once was a man from the Soo
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There once was a man from Verdun…
🙂
---
### Author:  [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/4 "2009-07-18T04:30:38Z")
Far out at sea a ship turns
For a blow of strong wind it yearns
The crew falls to its knees
And prays for a breeze
But the only thing coming’s sunburn
Huh. Don’t think I’ve ever made up a limerick before. What fun.
---
### Author:  [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/5 "2009-07-18T08:13:51Z")
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles
Said the vicar “Good gracious”
“Has Brother Ignatius”
“Forgotten the Bishop has piles”
* * *
A young girl who lived in Calcutta
Was one day heard to mutter
It’s so bloody hot
That the sweat from my twot
Is forming large pools in the gutter
---
### Author:  [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/6 "2009-07-18T09:04:07Z")
There was a young girl from Uttoxeter
Who was the most exquisite cock-sitter:
With her prehensile hole
She enveloped my pole
And squirmed up and down as my rocks hit her.
---
### Author:  [@Ferris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferris)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/7 "2009-07-18T10:20:31Z")
A randy old bishop from Birmingham
Used to bugger young girls while confirming 'em
Amidst roars of applause
He’d lower their drawers
And pump his Episcopal sperm in 'em.
---
### Author:  [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/8 "2009-07-18T10:54:28Z")
A perverted young fellow from Avebury
Indulged in habits extremely unsavoury
To demonic howls
He would bugger young owls
That he bred in an underground aviary
---
### Author:  [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/9 "2009-07-18T11:17:10Z")
A twelve-tone composer named Hall
Has a dodecahedrical ball
And the sum of its weight
Plus his pecker’s, times eight
Is his phone number - give him a call!
---
### Author:  [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/10 "2009-07-18T12:24:34Z")
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who found a dead whore in his cave.
She was minus one tit
And she smelled like shit,
But look at the money he saved!
---
### Author:  [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/11 "2009-07-18T14:24:44Z")
This is an oldie:
There was a young queer from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.
And this is one I wrote:
A general, Caesar by name
cried “Wrong are those words held by fame.
A fine Turkish lass
Had such a fine ass
That I conquered, I saw, then I came.”
Or:
The young man complained “I surmise
That I’ll disappoint you with my size.”
She replied “Not at all -
Whether jumbo or small -
As long as we get it to rise!”
Then of the SFW variety, an oldie but goodie:
There was a young lady of Wight
Whose speed was much greater than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
---
### Author:  [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/12 "2009-07-18T15:15:04Z")
> [@Oy](#):
>
> And this is one I wrote:
>
> A general, Caesar by name
> cried “Wrong are those words held by fame.
> A fine Turkish lass
> Had such a fine ass
> That I conquered, I saw, then I came.”
😛 Huzzahs, sir (or madam).
---
### Author:  [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/13 "2009-07-18T16:40:02Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#):
>
> 😛 Huzzahs, sir (or madam).
Thank you. (I am a madam, er, a female - I’m not making money from it, so I don’t qualify as a madam)
---
### Author:  [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/14 "2009-07-18T17:14:27Z")
> [@Ferris](#):
>
> A randy old bishop from Birmingham
> Used to bugger young girls while confirming 'em
> Amidst roars of applause
> He’d lower their drawers
> And pump his Episcopal sperm in 'em.
But all the young ladies said, “Pooh!”
And they sneered when the bishop withdrew,
For they said (with a snicker)
“The vicar is thicker
And slicker and quicker than you.”
SFW
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called the hen a “most elegant creature”.
The hen, pleased with that
Laid an egg in his hat.
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
Regards,
Shodan
---
### Author:  [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/15 "2009-07-18T17:26:02Z")
There once was a plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, “Stop your plumbing!
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber (still plumbing), “It’s me!”
---
### Author:  [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/16 "2009-07-18T17:38:50Z")
One I wrote (SFW):
Archimedes was really quite clever.
(He’s the fellow who thought up the lever.)
Because he did math
While immersed in the bath
We’ll remember “Eureka!” forever.
---
### Author:  [@Jsb5391](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jsb5391)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/17 "2009-07-18T18:24:47Z")
I’ve not much to add to this game
previous efforts would put me to shame
But to **Oy!** I will state
Your Ceasar verse was great
You win this thread easy, I claim!
---
### Author:  [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/18 "2009-07-18T19:18:25Z")
The was once a bisexual gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, “There is on thing I do know:
Women are fine,
boys are divine,
but the llama is numero uno!”
---
### Author:  [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/19 "2009-07-18T19:26:58Z")
There was once a young man named Derkin
who was always jerkin his gherkin.
Said his father,
“Dammit, Derkin, your gherkin’s
made for ferkin, not jerkin!”
---
### Author:  [@imfloating](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/imfloating)
#### Post date: [July 18, 2009, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-anyone-nsfw/503408/20 "2009-07-18T19:57:13Z")
A curious bird the pelican
His bill can hold more than his belly can
He can fit in his beak
Enough food for a week
I’ll be damned if I know how the hell he can.
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