# limericks & bad jokes
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [June 15, 2000, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446 "2000-06-15T05:33:37Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@TN\_hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TN_hippie)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/1 "2000-06-15T05:33:37Z")
Limericks & Bad Jokes
(or, Rhyme and PUNishment)
Here’s the rule: ya gotta make it up on the spot.
I got two:
There was this small filly whose owners decided to have her “fixed.” The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he’d always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly.
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The Moral?
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“A pony spayed is a pony yearned.”
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Okay, this deer was drinking liqueur one day and in a moment of drunken insight realized that if he spread hayseed around, he’d have more to eat in the spring. Indeed he did.
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The Moral?
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“Absinthe makes the hart sow fodder.”
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Your only revenge is to come up with some that will make _me_ groan. Bring it on.
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### Author:  [@Alpha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpha)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/2 "2000-06-15T07:19:35Z")
I once met a man from Limerick
He … Damn! Nothing rhymes with Limerick.
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### Author:  [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/3 "2000-06-15T07:32:21Z")
A man who lived alone in a dirty one room apartment loved to see the ice which formed on his window overnight. So he turned off his furnace one night to facilitate it’s formation, but that unfortunately excited all the bed vermin into swarms.
The moral…
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You can’t see the frost for the fleas!
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### Author:  [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/4 "2000-06-15T08:05:57Z")
Three squires come back from the crusades having won many honours while in the holy land… they’ve had special saddles made for them out of rare and precious skins… the first one has a saddle made of lion skin, the second one has a saddle made of zebra skin… however, the third one weighs as much as the first two put together, so he had to have a special reinforced saddle made out of hippopotamus skin…
The moral, of course, is:
The squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two hides.
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### Author:  [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/5 "2000-06-15T08:10:40Z")
And then there was the befuddled new manager of a seafood joint who was appalled that some of the employees were not allowed to take time off to eat. His first night on the job, he called in the dinner-deprived staff members and told them they could leave at 9:00 pm for a quick meal, and they should return at 9:30. “But they never came back!” he later sobbed to his wife. “The rest of the staff had to try to fill-in - and I had to open most of the damned oysters myself! What am I going to do?”
“I think it’s fairly simple,” said his wife…
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“Never give a shucker an evenin’ break!”
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### Author:  [@DVous\_Means](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DVous_Means)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/6 "2000-06-15T14:17:40Z")
Here’s a couple, thankfully neither have moral endings.
Q. What do you call a pig with laryngitis?
A. Disgruntled.
The thoughts of the rabbit on sex
Are seldom if ever complex
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed
And does just as a person expects
The limerick’s an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly to sex
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgin’s
And vulgar erotic effects
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### Author:  [@jesuslynch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jesuslynch)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/7 "2000-06-15T14:34:16Z")
There once was a man from Belaire,
Made love to his wife on the stairs.
On the 68th stroke,
The Banister broke.
So the did 69 in midair.
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### Author:  [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/8 "2000-06-15T14:44:01Z")
I have nothing to add to this thread except that now I _know_ TN\*hippie is back.
::groan::
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### Author:  [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/9 "2000-06-15T14:55:49Z")
Here, have some poetic math:
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
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### Author:  [@dook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dook)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/10 "2000-06-15T16:59:41Z")
A Peruvian biker named Bruno
said there is one thing I do know:
Women are fine.
Sheep are divine…
But the llama is numero uno!
There once was a woman named Claire
who had a magnificent pair,
At least so I thought,
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn and begin losing air.
There once was a man from Manass (hey, _I_ didn’t make it up)
whose balls were made out of brass.
And in stormy weather,
he’d rub them together,
and lightning would shoot out of his ass.
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### Author:  [@dook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dook)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/11 "2000-06-15T17:02:04Z")
BTW, I’m not claiming authorship on those limericks, I just didn’t see the rule in the OP… whoops.
-dook. Dirty, dirty dook.
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### Author:  [@tradesilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tradesilicon)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/12 "2000-06-15T17:27:55Z")
When handling most delicate tasks
The inexperienced Romeo asks
“If I place it in here
Would you think me sincere?”
As he points to his lady’s bare ass
When the Newly-Appointed Premier
Was visiting our hemisphere
He drank way too much
But when spotted as such
He decided to get in fifth gear
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### Author:  [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/13 "2000-06-15T22:31:48Z")
I am soooooo glad TennHippie is back! We haven’t had a limerick thread in what…two, three weeks? 😉
Now who’s ready to go mano-a-mano with TennHippie for the title of Limerick Master?
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### Author:  [@tradesilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tradesilicon)
#### Post date: [June 15, 2000, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/14 "2000-06-15T23:43:18Z")
For the Title of “Master”, you state?
To this Challenge I cannot relate
For the Hippie has shown
Several jokes (s)he has known
But a limerick has not been displayed!
So I say to your challenge, indeed
More good provocation we need
‘Tis not good sportsmanship
To be crackin’ your whip
When the Hippie may not want to compete
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### Author:  [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/15 "2000-06-16T03:08:50Z")
A contest. Cool. Here’s the rules:
A Limerick derived on the spot,
Should be cool with edges quite hot;
A cute play on fact
and disdain for tact,
rates the limerick author a lot.
SouthernStyle
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### Author:  [@tradesilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tradesilicon)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/16 "2000-06-16T17:40:56Z")
SouthernStyle, let me see if I understand the rules correctly:
To make something up we should try
To win this here contest is why
But in fact its not hard
If you’re true from the start
But the ending is just a slight lie
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### Author:  [@TN\_hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TN_hippie)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/17 "2000-06-16T19:28:33Z")
Many good contributions, both original and “borrowed.”
I’m drawing a blank at the moment, so I’ll just send one of my old favorites:
There was a big party at the Playboy mansion, with many celebrities present, of course.
Mick Jagger got bored and started wandering around the place. He walked into a bedroom and was shocked to see Hugh Hefner sodomizing Dennis Weaver. Of course, Mick shouted:
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**Hey! Hugh! Get off of McCloud!"**
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### Author:  [@jayron\_32](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayron_32)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/18 "2000-06-16T19:39:25Z")
I’ll give it a shot:
There once was a man from New Hampshire
Who made quite a poor little dancer
A few more drinks
Must’ve made him think
That he could be more than a prancer
OK… that was awful…
But when I was 7, I made up the following joke:
What does a pig put on a rash?
A: OINKment… Hey, I was 7, OK?
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### Author:  [@SouthernStyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernStyle)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/19 "2000-06-16T22:39:11Z")
**TradeSilicon**
The rules you seem to have clear,
and echo them sans writer’s fear,
Your wit’s very keen,
your limerick quite mean,
The prize is so far, yet so near.
SouthernStyle
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### Author:  [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/limericks-bad-jokes/22446/20 "2000-06-16T23:07:16Z")
But what tha hell. I just thought of this one, and I want to use it before I lose it. I’m senile, ya know.
In the past I have always been cynical,
Since the day the doc cut my umbilical.
But this last decade I’ve found,
I don’t have to be down,
Because I’ve yet to reach my true pinnacle.
When writing limericks I’ve found
that my rhyme structure isn’t so sound.
I stammer and curse
“I’ll stick to free verse,
I’m better at that, by the pound!”
There once was an oil baron in Dallas,
Who built himself a true Redneck Palace.
his scepter was steel
his servents changes his home’s wheels
and for chaw he had a gold chalace.
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