# Lines to kill a story **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 19, 2002, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008 "2002-03-19T06:30:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/1 "2002-03-19T06:30:00Z")
Please contribute a line that would spell the end to the story–TV series, movie, book, etc. Like these: 1. _Everybody Loves Raymond:_ **Debra:** “Raymond, I’m sick and tired of your parents barging in! The next time they do I’m going to smack them over the head with your old pool cue!” 2. _Just Shoot Me:_ **Jack Gallo:** “I just sold the magazine to Donald Trump!” 3. _Home Improvement:_ **Jill:** “Tim, the president of Binford Tools called. He says that if you botch it once more on _Tool Time,_ he’s pulling out his sponsorship.” 4. _Dallas:_ **Bobby Ewing:** “J. R., here’s Papa’s will. He left everything to me and said you can go to hell!” 5. _The Simpsons:_ **Dr. Hibbert:** “Bart will be all right now, folks. I removed a tumor from the back of his brain and he’ll be obstreperous no more.” ---
**Author:** ![Jervoise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d2c977/32.png) [@Jervoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jervoise)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/2 "2002-03-19T10:46:49Z")
_The West Wing_ Joey Lucas: “And that’s how you guys lost the election.” Heaven forbid! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![kuroashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e9a140/32.png) [@kuroashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kuroashi)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/3 "2002-03-19T11:05:18Z")
_Nightline_ Ted Kopppel: Tonight we discuss Governor Grey’s covert plan to marry off transvestite hookers to Enron executives to destroy the company ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/4 "2002-03-19T13:17:20Z")
_Seinfeld_ Jerry: I do… Elaine: I do… ---
**Author:** ![Kybrdbrkn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@Kybrdbrkn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kybrdbrkn)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/5 "2002-03-19T20:48:04Z")
_Enterprise_ All Star Trek Fans, simultaneously: Hey, this week’s show is just like last week’s, and it’s just another pale rip-off of TNG! ---
**Author:** ![Tretiak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e57/32.png) [@Tretiak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tretiak)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2002, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/6 "2002-03-19T21:50:23Z")
_24_ **Jack** : I’m taking the red eye to Boston. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/7 "2002-03-20T00:15:54Z")
**Bob the Builder** : "What do you mean by ‘fire code violations?’ " ---
**Author:** ![Leifsmama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a698b9/32.png) [@Leifsmama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leifsmama)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/8 "2002-03-20T00:47:38Z")
One day in Teletubbie land LaLa was watching an enormous asteroid heading straight for them… ---
**Author:** ![Second\_Echo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Second\_Echo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Second_Echo)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/9 "2002-03-20T01:05:21Z")
**M_A_S\*H** Radar: Good news, everybody! World peace has been declared. We can all go home! Hawkeye: This is just great. Now I’ll never know who will win that ping-pong tournament we had scheduled for next week. And I had money on it and everything… **Miami Vice** TV Newsanchor: And in a sudden and surprise move tonight, the Mormon church announced its plans to immegiately move its operations from Utah, which has been its spiritual home for over a hundred years, to the South Florida area. **The Brady Bunch** Marsha: I want to do something and the boys don’t and there isn’t a deck of cards to be found anywhere! Now we’ll never get this resolved! ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/10 "2002-03-20T10:22:17Z")
Neither of these is really a story that’s killed, but as this thread seems to have mutated into “lines that would kill a TV show”… 1. _Sesame Street_ **Announcer:** “This show was brought to you by the letters S&M and the number 69!” 2. _Emeril Live_ **Emeril:** “You know what would really kick this up a notch? Arsenic!” ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/11 "2002-03-20T10:34:57Z")
“Hi Godot.” ---
**Author:** ![kuroashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e9a140/32.png) [@kuroashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kuroashi)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/12 "2002-03-20T10:59:59Z")
_The Partridge Family_ Mrs. Partridge: Kids, great news! We’re signed with Sony Records! ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/13 "2002-03-20T12:05:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jjimm \* > \*\*“Hi Godot.” \*\* ROTFL ---
**Author:** ![gex\_gex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/94ad74/32.png) [@gex\_gex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gex_gex)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/14 "2002-03-20T12:45:40Z")
**the simpsons** bart: happy 9th birthday, lisa. ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2002, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/15 "2002-03-20T16:23:18Z")
**Buffy the Vampire Slayer** Joss: I think Giles should leave, Buffy should sell hamburgers, Willow should stop doing magic, Dawn should pout, and Anya and Xander should talk unceasingly about getting married. ---
**Author:** ![dinahmoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dinahmoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dinahmoe)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/16 "2002-03-21T01:28:24Z")
“I brought your cake in, it looked like it might start raining.” ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/17 "2002-03-21T01:48:55Z")
**The Drew Carey Show** : Drew: Mimi and Mr. Wick killed each other, I won ownership of the store in a massive lawsuit, Oswald and Lewis finally came out and ran off to Key West together, and Kate wants to have marathon sex with me all day long! I have nothing left to bitch about! _Dammit!_ ---
**Author:** ![dinahmoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dinahmoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dinahmoe)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/18 "2002-03-21T02:41:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Legomancer \* > \*\ ***Buffy the Vampire Slayer** > > Joss: I think Giles should leave, Buffy should sell hamburgers, Willow should stop doing magic, Dawn should pout, and Anya and Xander should talk unceasingly about getting married. \*\* Yah, like this would ever happen:rolleyes: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/19 "2002-03-21T18:49:29Z")
**Star Wars** _First Gunner_ There goes another one _An escape pod flies by the window, being tracked by a laser cannon as it passes…_ _Second Gunner_ : Scanners show no life forms. Probably a short-circuit. Blow it up anyway. _External: green energy bolts stab out at the escape pod_ _C3PO (inside the pod)_ : Oh, dear… **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan** _Chekhov_ : Deed you say Ceeti Alpha Seestim? Boshe moi, ve must not go there, Keptin! Keptin Kirk marooned a werry dangerous megalomaniac and all of his followers there! _Capt. Terrill_ : Wow, thanks, Chekhov - good thing we brought you along! Navigator, set a course to steer clear of the Ceti Alpha system! **Any James Bond movie** _Bond_ : Well, you’ve got me now. _Villain_ : (shoots Bond in the head. Twice.) Goodbye, Mr. Bond. ---
**Author:** ![keeper0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@keeper0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/keeper0)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008/20 "2002-04-15T14:53:18Z")
**Friends** Landlord: By my calculations, you owe me… [sub]$5000 a month times twelve months times eight years[/sub]… $480000 in back rent for this ridiculously large apartment. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-to-kill-a-story/99008.md?page=2)