# Lines You Hope Never To Read In a Children's Book **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 10, 2001, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245 "2001-06-10T02:06:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/1 "2001-06-10T02:06:51Z")
Perhaps I’m the only one this happens to, but strange thoughts some times wander through my mind as I’m trying to sleep. The one I had last night is something that should never make it into a children’s book: “That said,” said Ella the Elephant. “We’re really going to have to kill your parents.” What do you hope never makes it into a kid’s book? ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/2 "2001-06-10T02:50:14Z")
Peter was not so bad a rabbit after all, thought Farmer Jones. In fact, with a light wine sauce and some shallots, he was quite tasty. ---
**Author:** ![Drastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Drastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drastic)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/3 "2001-06-10T02:51:53Z")
Probably paraphrased out of **Chasing Amy** : “And then Black Beauty did some mounting of his own…” ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/4 "2001-06-10T02:54:40Z")
The AK47 was certainly heavy but Johnny felt he’d be able to get it up to the school roof. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/5 "2001-06-10T03:27:49Z")
“Sure you can pet the pussys” said the nice pet-store lady to little Tommy. “I have calicos, persians, and siamese, but **here’s** one that I **know** you’ll like!” ---
**Author:** ![eunoia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eunoia/32/97_2.png) [@eunoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eunoia)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/6 "2001-06-10T03:38:06Z")
At that point, Bambi became profoundly aware of Thumper’s rising ardour… ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/7 "2001-06-10T04:06:06Z")
“Obviously,” she thought, “He’s lying about the pain.” See Spot run. Run Spot run. Look out for the SUV. Oh Nooooo. “Please don’t throw me in the briar patch.” Bre’r Rabbit said. “I won’t.” said Bre’r Wolf, tearing off a leg. ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/8 "2001-06-10T04:17:38Z")
“Jane likes Dick” ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/9 "2001-06-10T04:35:55Z")
Has anyone seen the episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus where Eric Idle is trying to do a children’s book reading, but all the books become randomly pornographic? God I love that sketch. Lucky Charms ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/10 "2001-06-10T04:40:26Z")
Sadly, being dragged down the stairs by one foot ultimately resulted in severe head trauma and permanent brain damage for Winnie the Pooh, and Christopher Robin was tried for reckless endangerment. Tigger and Eeyore were both witnesses for Pooh, while Piglet, dispite continual declarations that “Pooh is my best friend”, gave very damaging testimony supporting Christopher Robin’s claim that Pooh has "always been funny in the head. " Owl and Rabbit could not be reached for comment. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/11 "2001-06-10T04:48:13Z")
Lucky Charms [http://www.graphicszone.net/monty\_python/scripts.htm](http://www.graphicszone.net/monty_python/scripts.htm) Have fun ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/12 "2001-06-10T05:16:37Z")
“Of course, the little boy couldn’t make it across the river, because his mommy and daddy didn’t buy him the (insert book’s name) Inflatable Raft, available at Toys R Us for $14.95.” ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/13 "2001-06-10T05:19:29Z")
“You know, I _killed_ somebody once.” “He stormed the gates of her quivering love palace with his purpleheaded battering ram”. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/14 "2001-06-10T05:20:07Z")
cmkeller Is it legal to post something that causes the reader to laugh 'til it hurts? I sue for $6,000,000,000 you tobacco company stooge. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/15 "2001-06-10T05:20:43Z")
_On the title page:_ “…by Fred Phelps” ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/16 "2001-06-10T14:33:30Z")
“Timmy,” said kindly Father O’Conner. “You mother was wrong when she said it was partly your fault that your dad drank and got behind the wheel, killing all those people.” Timmy breathed a sigh of relief. “The fact of the matter is, you are such a terrible son that you drove him to drink. It’s all your fault, not just partly. Your mother should be more careful with her adjectives.” ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/17 "2001-06-10T14:41:42Z")
“Look, here comes Milkman Dan!” ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/18 "2001-06-10T14:49:17Z")
“Being curious, Curious George stepped into the store with all the Xs on the windows. And do you know what he saw?” “Barbar found a new use for his trunk…” ---
**Author:** ![RoboDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bbe5ce/32.png) [@RoboDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoboDude)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/19 "2001-06-10T16:00:39Z")
“I know a fun game we can play with the gerbil” said little Johnny, “But first, we have to wait for Mom and Dad to leave” ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/20 "2001-06-10T17:05:48Z")
“P is for pussy, that’s good enough for me.” Slowly, he pulled his pants down and bent over carefully. A moment later, Peter Hatcher decided that Superfudge wasn’t that bad after all. “How did your audition go?” Fozzie said curiously. “Not too well,” Miss Piggy responded “earlier today I had a frog in my throat.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245.md?page=2)