# Lines You Hope Never To Read In a Children's Book **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 10, 2001, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245 "2001-06-10T02:06:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/21 "2001-06-10T17:06:15Z")
How about… > [@](#): > > Indeed, it was nothing like Momma had said it would be. Sadly, some lubricants were NOT water based. or… > [@](#): > > The smooth taut supple badlands eventually gave way to the grassy knoll. Yes, the final destination was just over the rise, and down the glittering precipice. Little Peter’s only worry was whether or not to use his pitons on the way down into the Grotto of Forbidden Delights. He knew this was the turning point in his life long journey. Thank god he had clean underpants on, just as his dear old Mum had always admonished him to do. perhaps… > [@](#): > > Emily realized that with nobody around for miles, the Evil Monk could do as he wished. The sheep stood apart, bearing silent witness. and the fave… > [@](#): > > Uncle Boris only unlocked the red door when the sun went down and all the workers were off the compound for the night. 😛 Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/22 "2001-06-10T17:20:59Z")
“Oh, Timmy, you forgot to put out the sacred candle again!” said Father Richards opening his garmets Then the aliens began the anal probe of Suzie, and she thought perhaps they weren’t so friendly after all. Tigers are cute! Tigers are cuddly! Tigers are just big kitties! Give them some catnip the next time you go to the zoo. “Yeah! I know where we can get _tons_ of fertilizer!” exclaimed Terry, and from that moment on, he and little Timmy were best friends. ---
**Author:** ![TN\_hippie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TN\_hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TN_hippie)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/23 "2001-06-10T18:05:44Z")
And so, by always doing what he was told no matter what and never _ever_ trying to think for himself, Jimmy lived happily ever after. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/24 "2001-06-10T18:55:03Z")
Gosh, not only was Adolf the most popular guy in school, he had also just asked Eva to the big Friday night book burning, and everybody who was anybody was going to be there! Take three parts aluminium powder and mix it with one part magnesium powder. Now this is important! For all of you who like to steal your parents cigarettes, this is not the time to be smoking one! The mixture becomes very unstable at this point and … Let’s play a game called “Shaking Hands With Jesus!” (With apologies to Cecil.) Okay, now many people say that plutonium is very dangerous to be around, but for the short time it takes for you to place it into the warhead, nothing bad will happen to you. ---
**Author:** ![wayward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a87d85/32.png) [@wayward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wayward)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/25 "2001-06-10T18:58:17Z")
“And that,” said the old man “is why you should never _ever_ trust a Jew.” ---
**Author:** ![beagledave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6de8d8/32.png) [@beagledave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beagledave)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/26 "2001-06-10T19:24:29Z")
Then little Katie made a mental note to herself to not invite Barbara and Jenna to future tea parties. ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/27 "2001-06-10T19:32:34Z")
Billy said, “Purple elephants and orange zebras!” Sally said, “Stop it, Billy, you can’t see them!” The man in the hat said, “Oh but he can, Sally, he can, and you can, too if you take just one Magic Pill.” Ashley’s eyes grew wide and she pointed across the street. “Look Daddy, look! Why, those men look just like you except they are so dark!” Mr. Burke said softly, “Yes, yes, Ashley. We call them ‘negroes’.” Officer Smith patted Tommy on the head and smiled. “You’re a very brave boy, Tommy. It took a lot of guts to do what you did. You’re more than just brave, you’re a good American!” With that, he gave a smart salute. Tommy beamed and returned the salute. He turned to the patrol car and watched the other policemen putting his mom and dad into the back seat. One of the policemen came up to Officer Smith and said, “Here’s the evidence”, handing him a copy of _The Socialist_. Tommy smiled again. ---
**Author:** ![Cleophus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@Cleophus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cleophus)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/28 "2001-06-10T21:10:04Z")
And that night little Matt learned that the color and taste of antifreeze does not make it a replacement for Kool-Aid. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/29 "2001-06-10T22:44:04Z")
Little Timmy desperately wanted to keep the puppy. When his parents agreed, the puppy looked around happily, wagged his tail, and said (sotto voce), “Now you realize I’ll have to kill your folks, don’t you?” ---
**Author:** ![trose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f9ae1b/32.png) [@trose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/trose)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/30 "2001-06-10T22:50:07Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by TN_hippie \* > \*\*And so, by always doing what he was told no matter what and never _ever_ trying to think for himself, Jimmy lived happily ever after. \*\* Isn’t this the way \*\*most \*\* children’s stories go? At least the ones in schoolbooks. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/31 "2001-06-10T22:55:53Z")
And then Baby bear said “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed and look she’s still there, can I fuck her Mommy please” and Papa bear says “only when I get thru giving her the “Daddy” treatment” and then Mama Bear said "Wait, I’ve got an idea, a horrible gang bangalish delicious idea… ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/32 "2001-06-10T23:32:27Z")
“And Uncle Bear touched me in a not-OK way…” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/33 "2001-06-10T23:47:18Z")
_Otis Spofford_ (by Beverly Cleary, 1953): Ellen moaned, “Oh…Otis…I love you…oh…ah…AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!” _Huckleberry Finn:_ Huck and Jim ditched the raft when they reached Memphis and applied to enter divinity school. _Treasure Island:_ The Spanish Navy overpowered Silver and his pirates, and skewered him, Jimmy Hawkins, and all hands, and set the ship afire. _Ivanhoe,_ by Sir Walter Scott: Ivanhoe realized what a fool he was to woo Rowena and jilted her to court Rebecca. _David Copperfield:_ David’s real parents showed up, and the Murdstones and Uriah Heep wound up in prison. Peggotty just kept busting the buttons off her blouses. _Robinson Crusoe:_ Friday suddenly turned on Crusoe, having become sick and tired of eating nothing but fruit and nuts for months… ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/34 "2001-06-10T23:52:38Z")
“… it was then that the Three Bears discovered that Goldilocks was a natural blonde…” ---
**Author:** ![Mundo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bc8723/32.png) [@Mundo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mundo)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/35 "2001-06-11T00:33:24Z")
[http://www.totalobscurity.com/oddities/kidsbooks.html](http://www.totalobscurity.com/oddities/kidsbooks.html) Sorry for the highjack but I thought these were funny. Enjoy ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/36 "2001-06-11T00:47:56Z")
\*\* Disney’s Big Book of Fun \*\* subtitled… Find out exactly why none of our male characters wear pants! [sub] Sorry Euty…I couldn’t resist [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/37 "2001-06-11T01:17:26Z")
I once found a list of top ten rejected Dr. Seuss titles. Such as: One Bitch Two Bitch Dead Bitch Blue Bitch Horton Hires a Ho Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff! Marvin K. Mooney-Get the FUCK Out! Horton Fakes an Orgasm Who Shat in the Hat ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/38 "2001-06-11T01:18:47Z")
\*“Hi Maria” said Big Bird. “What kind of games would you like to play today?” he asked. Maria, magnificiently naked except for her black leather hip boots & bullwhip, only laughed, and smiled evilly.\* \*\*Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Both of them died in horrible agony from the Dioxin in the well water, produced by their friendly, local paper mill.\*\* \*Alice saw a large White Rabbit, wearing a waistcoat & carrying a pocketwatch. “I’m late! I’m late!” the White Rabbit cried. Alice looked at her cigarette and said; "DAMN! That’s good sh_t!"_ **The Little Engine, huffing & puffing, said"I think I can! I think I can!" as he rolled into the methadone clinic.** Next week : We find out what Mowgli of “The Jungle Book” did with the she-wolves in the Pack when he got “lonely”. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/39 "2001-06-11T02:41:04Z")
“Bi-Curious George” ---
**Author:** ![TN\_hippie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TN\_hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TN_hippie)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/40 "2001-06-11T05:14:44Z")
And the people worked very hard for the King and never complained again. And they laughed at the King’s jokes and they kissed the King’s bottom. And the King was a very happy King. And when Jimmy walked by the pile of skulls in the center of the village, he decided that he was probably happy, too. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245.md?page=3)