# Lines You Hope Never To Read In a Children's Book **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 10, 2001, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245 "2001-06-10T02:06:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![wayward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a87d85/32.png) [@wayward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wayward)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/41 "2001-06-11T09:16:15Z")
“Daddy, stop that!” said Charlie, “Mummy says it makes you go blind.” From **The Little A-Z Picture Book** : **F** is for **Felching** ---
**Author:** ![Zarathustra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/898d66/32.png) [@Zarathustra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zarathustra)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/42 "2001-06-11T10:51:36Z")
Once upon a time there was a little black boy, and his name was Little Black Sambo. And his mother was called Black Mumbo. And his father was called Black Jumbo . . . ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/43 "2001-06-11T11:06:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \* > \*\*\*“Hi Maria” said Big Bird. “What kind of games would you like to play today?” he asked. > > Maria, magnificiently naked except for her black leather hip boots & bullwhip, only laughed, and smiled evilly.\* > \*\* Ooh, that image is going in the Spank Bank… ---
**Author:** ![mikehardware](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5fc32e/32.png) [@mikehardware](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mikehardware)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/44 "2001-06-11T14:38:22Z")
There is a Children’s category of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest which finds the worst possible opening sentence to a hypothetical novel. (Along with other categories like: purple prose, sci-fi, vile pun, in dubious taste, and others) This was my contribution that was published. Find the books, they’re incredible! Pretty Percy Pig and Jolly Molly Moo-Cow enjoyed watching the sunshiny green meadows and cheerful sparkling streams of Pleasant Acres from the back of Farmer Brown’s new apple-red truck on their way to the Rainbow Valley Meat Packing Company. > **[Home | The Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest](https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)** > > Welcome to the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest! ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/45 "2001-06-11T16:35:04Z")
“Dad,” said Nathaniel. “You really oughta drink more.” And so Mom told Bruce, “Playing on the railroad tracks is fun.” “Peter, let’s light our farts!” “But I don’t have gas.” “That’s okay…I have a can of gasoline right here.” “I’ll help you get it out, Brian. But now you know why only girls wear tampons.” “I’m sorry, Junior. Mister Smith is your new daddy now. See what he gave me for you? $2000 and this rock of crack.” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/46 "2001-06-11T16:56:33Z")
Mom tiptoed in the room to turn off the light, and noticed that Johnny had put all the things that were important to a little boy in his “Treshur Box” for the night: a rock with a real fossil, a broken shoelace, a Matchbox car with only three wheels, a pack of Camels, and Johnny’s trusty Zippo. “For my recitation, Miss Smith,” Billy said, “I memorized what I was reading last night: ‘Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Tennesee Sour Mash Whiskey…’” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/47 "2001-06-11T17:10:09Z")
Harr, mateys, there we were, thirty days out of Barcelona with nothing to amuse us but a dead monkay, and the Captain said, “Throw another bucket of sea water on her, boys, she’ll be good for another round.” ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/48 "2001-06-11T17:10:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zarathustra \* > \*\*Once upon a time there was a little black boy, and his name was Little Black Sambo. And his mother was called Black Mumbo. And his father was called Black Jumbo . . . \*\* I used to have that book! It is SO UNBELIEVABLY RACIST, especially the way all the black characters have black perfectly round heads and huge red lips. IIRC, they spoke really strangely too. Lucky Charms ---
**Author:** ![wayward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a87d85/32.png) [@wayward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wayward)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/49 "2001-06-11T20:38:24Z")
“…And if you don’t live your life exactly how the big man in the sky tells you to, you will burn in hell for ever and ever and ever.” Oh, wait - that’s in some book already isn’t it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/50 "2001-06-11T21:32:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lucky Charms \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Zarathustra \* > > \*\*Once upon a time there was a little black boy, and his name was Little Black Sambo. And his mother was called Black Mumbo. And his father was called Black Jumbo . . . \*\* > > I used to have that book! It is SO UNBELIEVABLY RACIST, especially the way all the black characters have black perfectly round heads and huge red lips. IIRC, they spoke really strangely too. > > Lucky Charms \*\* Despite the stereotypically African-sounding names, this story is actually set in India, you know. More recent editions of the book have illustrations that make this more clear. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/51 "2001-06-11T22:09:21Z")
“Oh, Mr. President, what is _that_?” Asked Cindy. " This thing? It’s just my cigar. Do you smoke, Cindy? I won’t tell your parents if you want to take a few puffs." ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/52 "2001-06-11T22:22:55Z")
“One day, the Big Red Wolf went to the first little capitalist pig’s house…” “And once Billy learned the power of his magic fire-stick, no one was mean to him ever again.” “Little Joey learned an important lesson that day- never bet it all on a 99-1 shot just because of the potential payoff.” “About the Author: Jack Chick is…” “And so Vito ‘The Hook’ Cazzaletto strangled the stoolie with piano wire, and everybody lived happily ever after.” “It was Susie’s first time in the Big City. She saw many things there that she had never seen before. But the most beautiful thing of all were the women walking around with very bright clothing and a lot of makeup. Susie decided that when she got older, she wanted to be just like them.” “‘I’m late, I’m late!’ the White Rabbit kept moaning. ‘Who gives a fuck?’, Alice shot out between breaths, ‘_I’m_ coming.’” ---
**Author:** ![Ura-Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/51bf81/32.png) [@Ura-Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ura-Maru)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/53 "2001-06-11T23:48:13Z")
“What would the Man in the Yellow Hat do if he was hit by a thrown piece of crap? George was curious.” “After the poacher sawed off his tusks, Barbar, King of the Elephants, lived for 15 hours before bloodloss from the bullet wound finally finished him. Of course, Jean-paul the vulture could not be expected to wait that long . . .” “Mr. Worm slammed his single boot into the back of Mr. Racoon’s head, smashing his face into the broken glass.” “But heroin is really good!” said Mr. Happy. “If you’d only try it, Mr. Bounce, you’d feel much better.” “But why are you bringing me here in the middle of the night?” Ramona didn’t like it when her sister treated her like a child. She was, after all, almost 17 and and a half years old. “Well, it’s really very simple,” Beezus said, smiling in a way Ramona had never seen before. “Henry is here with me. He wants to show you something. And I’m going to help.” Man, I’m going to hell for that last one . . . – “Bring on the whimsey!” ---
**Author:** ![RoboDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bbe5ce/32.png) [@RoboDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoboDude)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/54 "2001-06-12T18:12:37Z")
Have you ever dreamed of winning a Darwin award? We’ll show you how you can make your dream come true! ---
**Author:** ![Ivorybill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ee59a6/32.png) [@Ivorybill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ivorybill)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/55 "2001-06-12T18:39:42Z")
The scarlet fever had left Mary blind. While helping Ma wash the dishes, Laura smiled as she thought of all the ways she could pay Mary back for being the good, sweet sister in the little house. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/56 "2001-06-12T21:02:39Z")
…and so, Mr Turtle having won the race, he met with the assassin in a dark alley and strangled him to death, leaving a headless, handless body for the authorites to find. After all, one could not leave the killer of Mr Rabbit alive, now could one? The Turtle’s laugh echoed evilly in the dark alley… ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/57 "2001-06-12T21:46:05Z")
And then Johnny realized that even though Grandma had gone up to heaven, she would always be with him. He clawed at the coffin lid and screamed, but no one came. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2001, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/58 "2001-06-13T00:08:21Z")
And as the boy sat on the stump of the tree, she still loved the boy. But he was a selfish jerk, so she gave him one final thing: a splinter in his behind. Since the boy was old and shaky, he couldn’t remove the splinter, so it got infected and he died of blood poisoning. And the tree was happy. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2001, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/59 "2001-06-13T00:21:59Z")
Juan didn’t _want_ a little brother. Juan liked being the center of attention! Juan knew there were people in the big, rich countries who _did_ want their little children. But, sometimes, those little children were very, very sick. They needed _organ transplants_ to live. Juan knew of a way where _everyone_ could be happy! ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2001, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245/60 "2001-06-13T00:40:33Z")
“Would you like to pet the baby reindeer I have in my pocket?” Santa asked little Timmy when he hopped in his lap. Of course! Jenny thought. It is my fault my parents are crack addicts! Waitaminute! Thought Rachel, are bones _supposed_ to stick out your body like that? “I wonder whose fingers those could be on the floor? Well, I don’t see anyone else here, so they must be mine!” Suicide is painless. (two points to whomever gets the reference for this one) “Your honor, my client…” (It doesn’t matter what comes after this, just the **thought** of a lawyer being in a kid’s book gives me the willies!) Billy picked up his flamethrower and began setting fire to things. “Have you ever spent time in a Turkish prison?” (I’d give two points for that ref, but it’s too freakin’ obvious!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lines-you-hope-never-to-read-in-a-childrens-book/68245.md?page=4)