# Living together, sleeping apart; new taboo? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 31, 2011, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858 "2011-05-31T15:31:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/21 "2011-05-31T21:15:21Z")
I totally agree with **Manda Jo**. I’m not a cuddler, so I personally can’t imagine enjoying sleeping with someone else. That combined with my insomnia leads to me hanging out in another room or on the couch most nights. However, I know people for whom snuggling with their partner is one of the best parts of the relationship, so I think it’s just one of those little differences. ---
**Author:** ![carlotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/22 "2011-05-31T21:36:40Z")
Most nights we sleep together. I sleep a little better if he’s there. Every so often he’ll stay up a lot later and sometimes sleep on the sofa or the spare room. He’s also much more sensitive to temperature than me and will leave if it’s too hot or stuffy in the room. Rarely I’ll switch sleeping places if I’m having a bout of insomnia, but if I am it’s not his fault. We both agree that we hate sleeping with the cat. If he would stay at our feet it would be ok, but he won’t rest until his butt is in somone’s face. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/23 "2011-06-01T02:00:03Z")
I know couples who are absolutely happy in their relationship and sleep apart, and others who are miserable and, or disappointed with theirs and sleep together. I like to cuddle, but when it’s time for sleep, I usually turn or lay on my stomach, so no cuddling. Personally, I miss having someone in my bed, period. ---
**Author:** ![congodwarf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@congodwarf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/congodwarf)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2011, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/24 "2011-06-02T17:53:52Z")
We currently sleep together - most nights. The first few years of our relationship involved me barely sleeping because of his apnea and my insomnia. I frequently ended up sleeping on the couch or trying to sleep on the couch, still bothered by his apnea and snoring (the house wasn’t big enough to get away from it). We broke up because of it and the issues it caused. We got back together and he got a CPAP. Now if my insomnia is acting up it only affects me and his apnea doesn’t affect either of us. Neither of us moves around much so if he has his mask and I manage to fall asleep, we’re good with sleeping in the same bed. However, if he’s throwing a huge amount of body heat, I will go to the spare room or the couch because I HATE sleeping next to a sweaty person. ---
**Author:** ![FoundWaldo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dfb087/32.png) [@FoundWaldo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoundWaldo)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/25 "2011-06-03T01:43:28Z")
We sleep in the same bed probably 80% of the time. The rest of the time, one of us will sleep in the guest room. Most often it happens when one of us is really tired and needs to get a solid night’s sleep and/or sleep in. At least for us, as much as we like sharing a bed, it’s indisputable that we both sleep more soundly alone. And often one of us has to get up early, so if the other really wants to sleep in, sleeping separately is better. It’s never the same to try to go back to sleep after an alarm has woken you up. We also usually sleep separately when one of us is sick. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/26 "2011-06-03T01:59:03Z")
In 20 years of marriage my spouse and I have had a common bed, and most nights it contains both of us. However, when illness, injury, incompatible schedules, or other thing intervenes neither of us has a problem taking the couch for a night or three so at least one of us can get some sleep. In other words, don’t get too hung up on any one bed arrangement to the point you ignore practicality. Whatever works for a couple works for them, and it’s no one else’s business. ---
**Author:** ![Double\_Foolscap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85e7bf/32.png) [@Double\_Foolscap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Double_Foolscap)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/27 "2011-06-03T11:11:48Z")
I’ve never really thought about this before, beyond the TV cliché of different beds = marital problems (it turned up in a case in _La Noire_, for example). I’d never sleep apart from my girlfriend, mainly because I have trouble sleeping without her there, but I wouldn’t consider it odd after thinking about it for more than ten seconds. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/28 "2011-06-03T11:38:06Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I much prefer sharing a bed with my wife to sleeping alone. I’m not “giving up freedom,” I’m exercising it. > > There’s also no “taboo” on married couples sleeping apart. Nobody cares. There’s no “imperative” to sleep together. People do it because they want to, not becuase they feel impelled to. The author of that article is an idiot. Exactly. Sleeping together works for us because we like it. If two couples decide to sleep apart there are a whole host of ways to stay connected and together. Sleeping in the same bed is no guarantee of closeness, anyway. However, we do have a big enough bed that we are done spooning we can roll over and not touch. I can’t sleep if someone is touching me! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/29 "2011-06-03T12:10:52Z")
I do think there is a stigma concerning sleeping in separate beds. Or there was, anyway. I once overheard two little kids at my mother’s kindergarten saying that if your parents were sleeping in separate beds that was a sign that they were going to divorce soon. Obviously it’s become more acceptable nowadays. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that now it’s more likely that both halves of a couple are working (and thus may have radically different schedules). ---
**Author:** ![GoodOmens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@GoodOmens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GoodOmens)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/30 "2011-06-03T12:20:04Z")
My wife and I sleep together, despite some differences in sleep patterns and my semi-frequent sleep disturbances. She sometimes does joke about getting two beds and pushing them together for snoo-snoo like in the old sitcoms. If we’re travelling, and our hotel room has two beds, we’ll sometimes sleep in separate beds just for the change of pace. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/31 "2011-06-03T18:41:16Z")
There’s nothing better than to have the one you love snuggling and holding you close. Wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/32 "2011-06-03T18:49:07Z")
Where I fall on this issue depends on how me and the other party sleep together. I have offbeat, deeply-ingrained sleep habits that are not negotiable (soft bed, tv shows playing on my computer loudly enough to be audible as I fall asleep, but not loud enough to wake me from a sound sleep). I can’t tolerate snoring either. If my partner can adjust to my peccadilloes and is a non-snorer, they can sleep with me. If they snore, or require absolute dark or quiet, they’re sleeping in another room. Case closed. > [@WhyNot](#): > > I’m not sure it’s “taboo”, but \*\*OpalCat \*\*sure got a ration of shit for in in a(n unrelated) thread recently. :rolleyes: Opal got a ration of shit because she was going to eliminate her teenager’s bedroom. I don’t think most rational people really care whether other couples share a bed/room or not. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/33 "2011-06-03T19:47:10Z")
My husband has had 4 spinal surgeries and he finds our guest bed to my much more comfortable than our bed. He also likes the room lots cooler than I do. And there’s the snoring issue. And I tend to go to bed much earlier than he does. We’d probably be ideal candidates for the 50’s sitcom style twin beds in the same room, but we both like the extra space of a queen or king bed. Frankly, I don’t see it as an issue. We’re both comfortable, we both seem to sleep better, and we have plenty of time together when we’re conscious. Our sleeping arrangements aren’t that big a deal. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/34 "2011-06-03T20:02:12Z")
Separate beds, separate bedrooms. Of course, we’re two weeks away from adding “separate houses” to the equation. There _was_ 15 years of enjoying sharing a bed with each other before that. ---
**Author:** ![Dietrich\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@Dietrich\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dietrich_K)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/35 "2011-06-04T17:02:33Z")
I voted “other”. Sometimes we sleep together in the same bed. Other times, I prefer bedding down on one of our couches. Basically, my wife _has_ to have complete and utter silence, or she won’t be able to sleep, and most of the time I have to have the radio, or the TV audio, or a podcast or something playing at a relatively low volume in order for me to be able to drift off into peaceful slumber. Plus, I toss and turn a _lot_, and I’m a big fat bed hog, to boot. And I generally can only “spoon” for 15 - 20 minutes at a time, maximum, before I get too hot/uncomfortable. But then again, sometimes I’m sufficiently sleepy enough that I can fall asleep in our bed and ride out the entire night in same. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/36 "2011-06-04T17:50:33Z")
Husbands and wives sleeping apart isn’t like enjoying some ritual cannibalism for dinner–I don’t think it is that taboo and there are instances of it throughout at least Western history going back hundreds of years. Obviously sleeping together is the prevalent behavior, especially because of financial constraints prior to recent history (up until the 20th century the vast majority of people in the Western world would not have had the luxury of spare beds.) I come from a family of people who don’t sleep all that well. My parents always shared a bed but it also wasn’t uncommon at all for my father or mother to get up around 1-2AM and stay up for 1-2 hours after which it wasn’t totally unusual for them to go back to sleep in a guest bed or even fall asleep in the couch watching the TV on low volume. My maternal grandparents were very much the same way, especially my grandfather. Anytime I slept at their house I can’t remember a single instance in which my grandfather _didn’t_ wake up late at night, get a snack or something and fall asleep in one of their guest bedrooms. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2011, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/37 "2011-06-06T16:33:49Z")
In my most recent relationship we didn’t live together, but spent a lot of nights under the same roof. At my house, he would sleep in the guest room, but that was because I have a queen size bed and neither of us would get a good night’s sleep when we initially tried sleeping in it together. It’s just too small a space for comfortable shared sleeping. We would, however, cuddle a bit before separating at night, and again in the AM (whoever would wake first would crawl into the other’s bed). At his house, he had a king sized bed, so we would share comfortably. Again, with a bit of a cuddle before separating to our respective halves of the bed. The arrangement suited me fine and it is one I would explore in future relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2011, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/38 "2011-06-06T16:53:23Z")
I spent nearly 3 years sleeping in a separate bed away from my sweetie because he snores horribly, and that and his apnea had me barely sleeping at all. He didn’t like it one bit, but it was something I absolutely had to be firm about. He went on a cpap machine, and I kept sleeping separately for about 6 months while he got used to it. He often took it off in the middle of the night because he’d feel like he couldn’t breathe, the mask is really hard to get used to, etc, but…for the first time in 10 years he got some regular sleep, and that’s good. He has two boys that we have partial custody of, so on weekends I’d sleep with him; before the cpap I’d end up on the couch nearly all the time after a few hours of being unable to sleep. We had a 4 day run with the boys, starting the day before we got married. At the end of the 4 days I realized I’d actually slept pretty alright, and, as timing would have it, it just so happens we haven’t slept apart since we got married. :p:p I am, however, really big on personal space, and when we move to a bigger place with an extra room, there _will_ be a futon of some sort in there. Just in case. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2011, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/39 "2011-06-06T19:06:19Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Exactly. Sleeping together works for us because we like it. If two couples decide to sleep apart there are a whole host of ways to stay connected and together. Sleeping in the same bed is no guarantee of closeness, anyway. > > However, we do have a big enough bed that we are done spooning we can roll over and not touch. I can’t sleep if someone is touching me! 🙂 We have a king sized bed and the transition from a queen to a king resulted in a dramatic improvement to our sleep quality. I like to cuddle, but don’t need it to sleep. However, I do like having another body in the bed, even if it’s just cuddling with the dogs or a platonic friend. There’s something comforting about another person’s presence, and I’m a pretty heavy sleeper most of the time. If I were a lighter sleeper, I’d probably be just fine with sleeping in a separate bed or separate room, as it serves a purpose-- both parties sleep better apart in those scenarios. ---
**Author:** ![Sister\_Vigilante](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@Sister\_Vigilante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sister_Vigilante)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2011, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858/40 "2011-06-06T19:26:33Z")
We have separate rooms, and separate beds. He snores very, very loudly. The dog shares my bed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/living-together-sleeping-apart-new-taboo/583858.md?page=1)