# Long lived marriages/relationships **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2021, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941 "2021-04-14T02:44:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/61 "2021-04-19T14:16:59Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > so they don’t know they’re in an open relationship I’m really bad with names so I hope someone can help me out but a couple of years ago (IIRC) the was a doper trying to break into standup comedy and shared his routine. That was the joke I liked best. . . “How many people here are in an open relationship. . . that they know about.” My sister was married to husband 1 when she met the man to become husband 2. While I never really liked him, a feeling which only got worse over time, I did like how my sister handled it. She immediately moved out and filed for divorce rather than have an affair and see how it goes. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.winston_oboogie/32/2945_2.png) [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Winston_OBoogie)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/62 "2021-04-19T17:51:18Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > > [@Jay\_Z](#): > > > > Infidelity is abuse, and it’s rampant in our society. > > I get that your pain is real and raw, and that you suffered a devastating loss, but I’m really bothered by the implication that this is somehow the same thing as being held in captivity and repeatedly beaten, sexually assaulted, or psychologically degraded. Except that many times the infidelity includes psychologically degradation, and goes on for a long, long time. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/63 "2021-04-19T18:00:25Z")
Post-infidelity Stress Disorder aka **PISD** appears to have a basis in reality and is being studied. ### [**Post** ‐traumatic **stress** and psychological health following **infidelity** in unmarried young adults](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/smi.2880) “This empirical evidence suggests that infidelity may produce PTSD symptoms at a relatively high rate, even in unmarried young adults, and may put individuals at risk for poorer psychological health, partially through post‐traumatic cognitions.” [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681994.2019.1577961](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681994.2019.1577961) "research suggests that such infidelity is highly detrimental to relationship longevity and to the well-being of betrayed partners, with some authors characterizing it as a trauma and noting its potential to constitute an “attachment injury.” ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/64 "2021-04-19T18:18:24Z")
You’ve never been in the situation where your gaslighting spouse is unfaithful, have you? It is abuse. You are repeatedly psychologically degraded. It sucks and can lead to long term psychological damage - especially regarding trust and self esteem. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/65 "2021-04-19T18:48:17Z")
I have not experienced it, no. I am revising my understanding based on input here. I’m truly sorry for anyone who has had to go through it. It’s easy for me to think about it in a detached sort of way because I haven’t experienced it myself. Let me try to explain what I meant by not viewing cheaters as bad people. Common bad behaviors are usually systemic in nature. Poverty begets crime, misogynist attitudes toward women beget rape, and I suspect there’s some underlying systemic dysfunction that begets infidelity. To be clear - people need to take accountability for their actions, whatever they do. But if infidelity is rampant, that points to something being wrong with society. There is such a thing as restorative justice which centers the victim experience. The perpetrator takes accountability, recognizes the impact of their actions and commits to a plan for change. The victim defines what accountability looks like. There is a path to redemption for the perpetrator - which may or may not include the victim’s forgiveness. I prefer this paradigm for addressing wrongdoing. There are very few people who I believe are beyond redemption. If someone is being abused in a relationship, however, I don’t think there is any hope for the relationship as the perpetrator is extremely unlikely to change once the pattern of abusive behavior has been established. That doesn’t mean they can’t learn from the experience and do better next time. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/66 "2021-04-19T18:55:54Z")
There are so many different reasons for infidelity, and so many ways to go about it, from having several spouses in different cities who are unknown to each other to both partners being quite open about it to each other, that I think it is unwarranted to label it anything very specific. Some kinds of infidelity are truly abusive – causing deep damage to another person. Other kinds are simply the sign of a disintegrating marriage that both agree was inevitable and in some ways welcome. It’s just too large and complicated. People do evil selfish and even sadistic things, and they also do stupid thoughtless things they then are appalled that they did. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/67 "2021-04-19T19:00:19Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > People do evil selfish and even sadistic things, and they also do stupid thoughtless things they then are appalled that they did. They also do all those things then are completely unappalled by it, with no remorse but only regret over having been caught. This is extremely common also. People are the problem. They’re also the only possible solution. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941/68 "2021-04-19T21:07:55Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > They also do all those things then are completely unappalled by it, with no remorse but only regret over having been caught. This is extremely common also. > > People are the problem. They’re also the only possible solution. What I was trying to convey is that people are all different, and their actions stem from different motives. That’s all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-lived-marriages-relationships/939941.md?page=3)