# Long term relationship, not married. I don't get it **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 21, 2011, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322 "2011-10-21T02:10:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/1 "2011-10-21T02:10:07Z")
I’ve met more than a handful of people in my time on this earth that are in a committed, long-term relationship, but not married. These people have been together for 5+ years, own property together, and sometimes even have kids together. I don’t get it. I’m not some fuddy duddy moralist saying that marriage is awesome and required, but there’s so many benefits to marriage. You get: [ol] [li]Jointly owned property[/li][li]Tax benefits[/li][li]Power of attorney/visitation rights[/li][li]Inheritance rights[/li][li]Combined bills/bank accounts[/li][/ol] And there’s probably a bunch of other benefits as well. Sure, you can construct all of those rights with legal agreements, but they are expensive and not as solid as marriage. I see why people would have problems with the institution of marriage, but no one is making you wear rings or have a ceremony. Just go down to the courthouse and get hitched. Thoughts? ---
**Author:** ![Quintas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/48db29/32.png) [@Quintas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quintas)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/2 "2011-10-21T02:11:36Z")
Are you Male or Female? ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/3 "2011-10-21T02:12:11Z")
I don’t want my bank account or my property joined with anyone besides myself. This gives me sole control and responsibility of/for the account/property. That alone disqualifies marriage for me. Tax benefits and inheritance rights are definitely nice, but I can do without them since if I’m married, I imagine I’m doing financially all right to begin with. EDIT: Nevermind that you also inherit credit scores when you get married. Potentially a very bad thing. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/4 "2011-10-21T02:13:05Z")
$5 on treis being a woman ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/5 "2011-10-21T02:15:04Z")
I completely agree with you, OP. I’m a 43 y.o. female and have been single for a long time. A long time ago, I figured out that living together confers all the responsibilities of being married but none of the rights. Not being willing to live together has ended more than one relationship for me, but I just can’t live with the instability and uncertainty that living together provides, and I don’t want my child too, either. If you’re going to have access to my entire life 24/7, there’s going to be a binding contract with legal recourse if things don’t work out. Oh yeah. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/6 "2011-10-21T02:18:42Z")
\*\*treis \*\*is a guy I am pretty sure. To double check, I found a thread where me mentions his testicles, so he could be a very atypical woman… **Covered\_In\_Bees!** , who the heck told you that you have to join bank accounts and such? Couples can do what they want with their accounts, the only time that might be split is during a divorce. And re: property etc., a lot of that depends on where you live in the US or elsewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brown_eyed_girl/32/3574_2.png) [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brown_Eyed_Girl)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/7 "2011-10-21T02:27:29Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > EDIT: Nevermind that you also inherit credit scores when you get married. Potentially a very bad thing. Cite? ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/8 "2011-10-21T02:28:29Z")
> [@treis](#): > > [li]Jointly owned property[/li] I can do this with out being married, I’ve done it before and I’ve got property with _both_ ex-wives. [quote] [li]Tax benefits[/li][/quote] Not that big of a deal. [quote] [li]Power of attorney/visitation rights[/li][/quote] I know people say this, but I’ve been on the other end where my first wife and I were in an accident and I was kept away from her. Her parents made every decision and I was left out. You can also grant power of attorney to anyone if they agree. [quote] [li]Inheritance rights[/li][/quote] And even if you are married, or children, inheritance isn’t always a right. My great aunts and grandmother got a dollar from their father. Their half brother got 2.5 million. [quote] [li]Combined bills/bank accounts[/li][/quote] Again, I’ve had that before and still do. Also when you’re married that doesn’t mean that the spouse gets on your accounts anyway unless you allow it. Quite frankly after being through two marriages and getting the shaft in both of them I see no reason to get married. I’ve lost a ton of money, had to go to court, and put through hell just to have a piece of paper. I’d rather live alone then go through that again. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/9 "2011-10-21T02:37:01Z")
> [@treis](#): > > These people have been together for 5+ years, own property together, and sometimes even have kids together. That’s the part that I really don’t get. I mean, I don’t truly get the people who live together for ages and don’t get married because they want to make any potential splitting up easier, but I can kind of see it if I squint. But if you buy a house or have a kid together, a split is going to be complicated anyhow so I don’t really see how getting married is going to make it any worse. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/10 "2011-10-21T02:45:43Z")
> [@thelurkinghorror](#): > > **Covered\_In\_Bees!** , who the heck told you that you have to join bank accounts and such? Couples can do what they want with their accounts, the only time that might be split is during a divorce. And re: property etc., a lot of that depends on where you live in the US or elsewhere. Then there goes one of the OPs supposed benefits. Brown Eyed Girl: Don’t have one. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not though. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/11 "2011-10-21T02:52:25Z")
> [@Covered in Bees!](#): > > ``` > I don't want my bank account or my property joined with anyone besides myself. This gives me sole control and responsibility of/for the account/property. > > ``` > > That alone disqualifies marriage for me. > > Tax benefits and inheritance rights are definitely nice, but I can do without them since if I’m married, I imagine I’m doing financially all right to begin with. > > EDIT: Nevermind that you also inherit credit scores when you get married. Potentially a very bad thing. Well I’m talking about a situation where you have all but married this person. So I mean, your credit is their credit unless you plan on having a beamer while they tool around in a four banger Toyota. The situation I envision is where you are together for a long time, and breaking up would be a life changing decision on the point > [@rhubarbarin](#): > > $5 on treis being a woman I take cash or check. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/12 "2011-10-21T03:03:06Z")
My husband and I dated for 5-6 years (college, then 2 years long-distance) before living together, and then lived together for a few years before finally deciding to get around to getting married. We weren’t in any rush; there wasn’t a pressing reason to do so. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/13 "2011-10-21T03:14:50Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Then there goes one of the OPs supposed benefits. > > Brown Eyed Girl: Don’t have one. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not though. Missed the mention up top. Sorry. But yeah, you can put yourself on a joint with your spouse. You can also make a joint account with the girl you met last week. ---
**Author:** ![Implicit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Implicit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Implicit)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/14 "2011-10-21T03:18:49Z")
In some places living together for years, as though married, equates to common law marriage, so there isn’t any need to go through with the ceremony. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/15 "2011-10-21T03:19:36Z")
> [@thelurkinghorror](#): > > Missed the mention up top. Sorry. But yeah, you can put yourself on a joint with your spouse. You can also make a joint account with the girl you met last week. Right, I never said you couldn’t. But say you and the girl you met last week decide to break up. Depending on the account, she could clear out the account or prevent you from withdrawing any money. Perfectly legally as well. If you were married, the account is joint property that will be split in the divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/16 "2011-10-21T03:24:18Z")
Don’t all the rights listed in the OP become …problems…when the breakup comes? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/17 "2011-10-21T03:30:01Z")
The people in long term non-married relationships that I know well to know their reasons all do it because marriage freaks them out for some reason. With one couple the guy’s parents had an unhappy marriage, in two others they don’t believe in marriage because they have these ideas that it’s an intrusion by the state, and one other case both parties had been married and divorced to others and don’t want to do it again. I don’t believe in state sanctioned marriage, but way back when it wasn’t as easy to deal with issues of property, joint bank accounts, an apartment lease, insurance, and our parents, so we just did it. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/18 "2011-10-21T03:34:29Z")
I’m not married because I don’t want to live with anyone. That right there is pretty much a dealbreaker. 😃 If I _thought_ I could have a long-term mate without cohabitating, I’d be OK with that, provided he wasn’t a total goonie. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/19 "2011-10-21T03:37:33Z")
> [@spooje](#): > > Don’t all the rights listed in the OP become …problems…when the breakup comes? Sure, but they are easier to resolve through divorce. With divorce you go in front of a judge, or have collaborative divorce. All property is assumed joint, and there are methods of dividing it. Contrast that with an unmarried couple who has been together for 10 years. How do you determine what is join property, what is mine, and what is yours. There’s no clear and well known legal mechanism for doing so. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2011, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322/20 "2011-10-21T03:44:45Z")
One huge reason to get married if you have children is that if your spouse dies you will get SS benefits for the children and for yourself. I can certainly understand not wanting to get married but I think if you’re committed enough to have multiple children together and a decades long relationship you might as well. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/long-term-relationship-not-married-i-dont-get-it/600322.md?page=2)