# Longest You've Gone Without Sex **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 3, 2008, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567 "2008-12-03T21:22:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/41 "2008-12-04T02:37:02Z")
Two years. I was in Vietnam and being faithful to my girlfriend back home, who promptly dumped me when I returned. I was then stationed in Adak, AK for a year at a time when they didn’t station female sailors there. So it was either find a willing wife of another guy, or do without. I went without. Tough row to hoe when you’re 22 years old. ---
**Author:** ![Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/face_intentionally_left_blank/32/288_2.png) [@Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Face_Intentionally_Left_Blank)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/42 "2008-12-04T02:46:47Z")
Hetero male here. Five years. I’d LIKE to change that, but I’m just not willing to lower my standards (no one-night stands, no drunken hookups, etc), and apparently, the rest of the world is also unwilling to lower THEIR standards. 🙂 Truth be told, I haven’t tried very much the past couple years, either. AFAIC, if there’s no interest in/possibility of a LTR, there’s no sex. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/43 "2008-12-04T03:02:31Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > The last couple years of my marriage. But the situation is now much changed. Much changed. As in, “Saharan rain forest” changed. Word. Though during my marriage, I never had a dry spell longer than about nine months, and we actually started having _more and kinkier_ sex _after_ we separated. Since we split? Woah doggie. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/44 "2008-12-04T03:03:37Z")
2 years at one point. Going on 4 months now. Yeah, marriage didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/45 "2008-12-04T03:27:50Z")
Lost it at 21, max duration is 8ish months, current dry spell is about three months. Nothing too terrible, but kinda embarrassing for a 24-yr-old guy (at least that’s how I feel at times). ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/46 "2008-12-04T03:35:42Z")
As the originator of the thread, lemme try to answer these… > [@kasuo](#): > > How do you go on living and maintain sanity? Well, there’s definitely been questions relating to my sanity, but this hasn’t been the cause. 😛 > [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > Jesus, I feel bad for some of you! I came in here to bitch because I haven’t gotten any for 5 months. I am married though, so I think that’s practically a deal-breaker. **You other marrieds, barring illness and such, how the hell do you put up with no sex.** Come January, it will most likely end my marriage (well, among many other things, many of which a lot of you may know about!) As in the song, “…masturbation’s lost it’s fun…” you know, that Greenday song. I needs my sex and shouldn’t have to apologize! [Bolding mine.] Eh, my story is long and complicated, but suffice it to say that mental illness (and the things that have been done attempting to cope with / fix it), guilt and penance play a huge part. Anyway, at this point I still love my Other Half, so I’ve decided that there are other more important things. I’m okay if this only ‘works’ for me, though I honestly do understand how other people are baffled by it. > [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Wow. This thread is kind of scary. Years? Really? 10…years? 20…years? Years? I honestly can’t imagine it. Is it because you have a low (or no) sex drive? Actually, when been able to have it on a regular basis, I’m pretty much a nympho. 😉 But as I mentioned above, there’s plenty other stuff that somewhat fill the gap and are still more important for me to have in my life than to let go of due to lack of sex. At least that’s how I feel now at 40. I’m sure I would’ve had a much different outlook in my 20s. Hope that helps for at least one more perspective. ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/47 "2008-12-04T03:39:14Z")
I WAS gonna say 19 years 😉 but I gather that doesn’t count. (but I tell you, it sure FELT like a dry spell for the last few of those!) Currently, about 9 months. My husband of 23 yrs died 8 mths ago and he was ill for a while prior (I honestly can’t recall the time frame of our last encounter, though I do remember the encounter itself, but maybe a mth or a few weeks before he died:confused:) Due to his illness and just general decline in frequency after 2 decades, we were down to maybe once or twice a month by then. SO not enough for me, but I didn’t know how good I had it. It sucks. Not that that is the suckiest aspect of widowhood by ANY means, but it IS one of them. Esp. being 42 going on 43 and finding it is true what they say about the peak of the female sex drive. ☹ I guess I will just have to deal with it for a while, because I have no intention (in my sane moments, anyway or outside of pure fantasy:p) of “hooking up” and am SO not ready yet for anything else. I just hope that when I finally DO get some again, I don’t kill the poor guy! (yes, it’s about THAT intense!:eek:) ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/48 "2008-12-04T03:39:23Z")
> [@Bobotheoptimist](#): > > 2 years at one point. Going on 4 months now. > > Yeah, marriage didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. Word. Word…and Word. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/49 "2008-12-04T03:41:34Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > As the originator of the thread, lemme try to answer these… > > Well, there’s definitely been questions relating to my sanity, but this hasn’t been the cause. 😛 > > [Bolding mine.] > > Eh, my story is long and complicated, but suffice it to say that mental illness (and the things that have been done attempting to cope with / fix it), guilt and penance play a huge part. Anyway, at this point I still love my Other Half, so I’ve decided that there are other more important things. I’m okay if this only ‘works’ for me, though I honestly do understand how other people are baffled by it. > > Actually, when been able to have it on a regular basis, I’m pretty much a nympho. 😉 But as I mentioned above, there’s plenty other stuff that somewhat fill the gap and are still more important for me to have in my life than to let go of due to lack of sex. At least that’s how I feel now at 40. I’m sure I would’ve had a much different outlook in my 20s. > > Hope that helps for at least one more perspective. Good, thoughtful answers. Hope we didn’t come off sounding flip. I’m sorry for whatever troubles you’re going through. You’re lucky that your marriage has enough going for it that it still works. I’m 41 and the lack of all contact is becoming more than I can take. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/50 "2008-12-04T03:55:17Z")
> [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > Good, thoughtful answers. Hope we didn’t come off sounding flip. I’m sorry for whatever troubles you’re going through. You’re lucky that your marriage has enough going for it that it still works. I’m 41 and the lack of all contact is becoming more than I can take. Thanks **Hazle** , and no, your responses were fine. I always assume on here that there’ll be questions to answer things and I try to do so with honesty and by not taking offense. So it’s all good. 🙂 And I’m glad I still have my partnership (which is more what it feels like than a marriage), because he truly is the best person I’ve ever known and my best friend. But doing without is extremely difficult and it does sometimes try what little sanity I have left. I just pray it’s not a permanent condition. ETA: To anyone who has been abstaining do to the death of their significant other, I’m sorry for your loss. I think that puts things on a completely different, and more sad, level. Hopefully time will heal and change things. ---
**Author:** ![Lok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e8c25b/32.png) [@Lok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lok)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/51 "2008-12-04T04:00:25Z")
Around 14 and a half years right now. I am not very good at the whole interpersonal relationship stuff.☹ ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/52 "2008-12-04T05:04:32Z")
I’m not sure if I feel better or worse. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/53 "2008-12-04T05:30:11Z")
> [@Valerieblaise](#): > > No, quite the opposite, in fact. But I’m capable of not giving into every hormonal urge, especially if there’s a good reason NOT to. Sometimes other things have to take a priority over sex, no matter how badly you physically crave it. I didn’t mean to be insensitive, and do realize life can throw nasty monkey wrenches at us when least expected or desired. I’m just really surprised at the extent of the dry spells indicated in most of the responses. Since **faithfool** has advised that it’s okay to ask questions of respondents, I’d like to know, from those of you who have no physical maladies, or deceased spouses, but have gone without for at least 6 months, why? If you’re single, and have the desire, it seems to me there are more outlets and resources available than ever before (e.g.: social networking programs and organizations, dating and matchmaking sites, etc..), even for those who may be socially awkward, in addition to the traditional parties, get-togethers with friends, and plain old fix-ups. If you’re married and, again, have the desire, why isn’t it happening? I imagine at some point, say, a month, your spouse would begin to look like an irresistible piece of sirloin steak, but you do resist because…? ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/54 "2008-12-04T05:40:34Z")
11 yearsish. I had a nice fling in a closet with a sweet young man at a party…in a closet. My second year in college. And people would ask, “How long has it been?” Me: ohhhh, since Bush (the first) was in office. First Clinton Administration-- not that bad, some giggles. Second? People just looked sad for me. But once I started back up? Four months max. And lately four days max. I so love my life lately!! But, it wasn’t b/c I don’t have a high sex drive. I’m just careful and picky. (Any woman can pick up any man at any bar/gathering. I just don’t do that kinda thing.) See the big grin? Four days! Tops! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/55 "2008-12-04T05:44:15Z")
**Onomatopoeia** If you’re married, and the person doesn’t treat you with dignity, kindness, affection, support and respect, they hardly look attractive to you when, in addition, they’re scratching their balls, whistling merely because they know it pisses you off (they’ve admitted it,) allowing their stepdaughter to belittle you and your family, digging the wax out of your ears and wiping it on your pants, ad nauseum, it hardly makes them irresistible, even if you haven’t had sex since July. I know, I know, either get out of the situation or quit bitching about it! But…you asked! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Valerieblaise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@Valerieblaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valerieblaise)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/56 "2008-12-04T06:26:19Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > I didn’t mean to be insensitive, and do realize life can throw nasty monkey wrenches at us when least expected or desired. I’m just really surprised at the extent of the dry spells indicated in most of the responses. > > Since **faithfool** has advised that it’s okay to ask questions of respondents, I’d like to know, from those of you who have no physical maladies, or deceased spouses, but have gone without for at least 6 months, why? In my earlier response, I think I explained my situation fairly well. I guess I can go into more detail, though. While I have no physical maladies, I’ve gone through a tremendous emotional upheaval in the past few years. Recovery from substance abuse isn’t just a matter of no longer abusing substances - you have to work at learning to live like a non-addict. If you’ve never been in that situation, it’s harder than you might think. I wasn’t in a place where I could handle the emotions involved in sex. I couldn’t handle a random hookup, either - that would have been absolutely FRIGHTENING to me in the early days of my sobriety. I didn’t really know how to have regular social interaction with other people minus booze, naked social action would have sent me into a panic attack. I’d say I had zero self-esteem early on in the process - and to be fair, while I was drinking, as well. Up until this point, I’d only been in relationships with people that either didn’t like me or that acted like they didn’t like me. I would set myself up to try to earn love and approval and then fail miserably. Obviously sex was very tied into that. So, I avoided having sex - before I could learn to NOT follow that pattern, I needed to figure out why I acted like that in the first place. Understanding your behavior, changing it, developing self-respect - those things take time. During my celibacy, I missed sex and affection so much it hurt sometimes. I also recognized that if I went out looking for them as I was, I’d end up in the same bad place I always did. There were periods where it seemed like getting my nails done was the only physical contact I had with other people. I wasn’t choosing to be lonely and isolated, though - I was choosing to NOT make things even worse than that. Even when I started feeling closer to sane, I knew I could get laid easily if I wanted to - but by then, I was self-aware enough to know that sex is very emotional for me, and that I was going to have to wait to meet someone I really cared for - who also cared for me - before I’d be able to have sex without feeling weird afterwards. And you can’t force that - you make that kind of connection when you make it. And during the last year of celibacy, I actually met a couple of different guys that I was interested in who were perfect examples of the kind of guys I’ve always gone for - they liked me JUST enough to jerk me around. And you know what? I had giant crushes on both of them for short periods of time. I spent all sorts of time in my head trying to figure out how to get them to like me. It wasn’t until the second one that I realized that even sober, I was still trying to create the same kind of misery. I’m so relieved that I didn’t sleep with either of them - closing the door on the situation was a lot easier with no sexual history. When I met my recent ex, there was none of that. I held out until I found a relatively healthy relationship, and I couldn’t be happier. Even though the relationship ended up not being long-term, he’s someone I trust and consider a true friend. He’s also someone that genuinely likes me for who I am. When you’ve never had a relationship like that, it’s even more amazing to find it. So… to sum up, I abstained from sex to do the work on myself that I thought I needed to do in order to find the kind of person I want to be with. Which isn’t to say I’ve achieved perfect mental/emotional health, but I’ve at least learned enough to be a better judge of character and to know what I’m really looking for in another person. I’m so much happier and better off for my time-out from sex. I’m sorry this was so long. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/57 "2008-12-04T07:00:06Z")
From birth to 19 years, I’ve been fucking ever since. 😉 After that not more than a couple of months. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/58 "2008-12-04T07:01:36Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > If you’re single, and have the desire, it seems to me there are more outlets and resources available than ever before (e.g.: social networking programs and organizations, dating and matchmaking sites, etc..), even for those who may be socially awkward, in addition to the traditional parties, get-togethers with friends, and plain old fix-ups. At some point, I don’t think it’s really an issue of having more outlets and meeting more people. There are social skills involved. To you, they are probably so unconscious and automatic that you don’t give them any thought. To me, they’re an impenetrable (sorry) mystery. I have asked out women who didn’t realize that I had done so. And if any woman was after me, she didn’t tell me in any way that I would notice. I haven’t give up hope, but I’m not sure any number of get-togethers or fix-ups will change things. ---
**Author:** ![Critical1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Critical1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Critical1)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/59 "2008-12-04T07:29:33Z")
its been a while here, several years, I had some health issues that left me unable to find work, I was relying on friends and family to support me (thank og for that) or I would have been homeless, now that thats in the past I just recently pinned down another food related health issue…now that THATS under control all I can say is I almost feel bad for the first girl I get in the sack. I am one horney mofo right now. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Credible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@Justin\_Credible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Credible)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2008, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567/60 "2008-12-04T08:08:59Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > I didn’t mean to be insensitive, and do realize life can throw nasty monkey wrenches at us when least expected or desired. I’m just really surprised at the extent of the dry spells indicated in most of the responses. > > Since **faithfool** has advised that it’s okay to ask questions of respondents, I’d like to know, from those of you who have no physical maladies, or deceased spouses, but have gone without for at least 6 months, why? > > If you’re single, and have the desire, it seems to me there are more outlets and resources available than ever before (e.g.: social networking programs and organizations, dating and matchmaking sites, etc..), even for those who may be socially awkward, in addition to the traditional parties, get-togethers with friends, and plain old fix-ups. > > If you’re married and, again, have the desire, why isn’t it happening? I imagine at some point, say, a month, your spouse would begin to look like an irresistible piece of sirloin steak, but you do resist because…? Lack. of. opportunity. We’re not all attractive, young females who can go out and get laid anytime we want. It’s hard to meet people. I imagine if I wasn’t married, I’d be lucky to have sex once a year. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/longest-youve-gone-without-sex/475567.md?page=4)