# Looking at Sexy People, and Being Looked At **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 30, 2017, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222 "2017-10-30T12:50:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2017, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/21 "2017-11-01T21:42:54Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > While it is true that heterosexual women don’t tend to “make things happen” in the same way that guys tend to do, they still have to _do_ something. Absolutely!!! And if, hypothetically speaking a person who just incidentally happened to be male-bodied found that being sexually aggressive in the conventional _male_ way really wasn’t for him, well, he might eventually find that it can work for him, some of the time, with some of the female people, to do the same “something” that the women learned to do. > [@](#): > > Assertive women definitely don’t wait for men to make the first step, but they are subtle with that first step. Instead of inviting a guy out on a date, they let the guy know about a party they will be attending and then will say something like “Maybe I will see you there.” Yes!!! I call it the “co-reactive dance”! Lots of little things, and then you wait for the other person to respond. > [@](#): > > Assertive women flirt. They return compliments. They ask for favors. It is my experience that this kind of femininity is the norm, not the exception. Mine too. > [@](#): > > Once you learn how to be assertive in one context, it is kind of hard to turn it off. Fortunately, that spills over into being more sexually overt, more sexually aggressive, so that if someone, hypothetically speaking, was male and didn’t feel inclined to go more than 49% of the way across the bridge, so to speak, he just might find that some of these rather assertive female folks would meet him halfway and maybe a smidge more than halfway, with quite pleasant results. And yes, it has gotten better over the years, and also better with age. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2017, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/22 "2017-11-01T21:47:21Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I stand corrected. I imagine the dynamics to be even more complicated than the conventional M/F model. > > So how did you work it out with your partner(s)? I mean, someone had to make the opening move, right? Either that or dance our way to the middle so delicately that it never appeared that either one did. But if someone did, it wasn’t gonna be me. It takes a great deal of patience, as well as the slow development of a kind of radar for finding the women most likely to do opening moves, plus the slow practicing of the skills mentioned by **monstro** above. Even if they feel right and fit well, a person isn’t generally born with them as an innate ability. It’s not the same as passivity. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2017, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/23 "2017-11-01T23:22:20Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I don’t count catching someone’s eye and smiling as being quite the same thing. No idea what MTA subway lines you frequent. Allow me to illuminate for those not familiar with the dynamics of moving through our fair city using public transit. Especially underground. You catch someone’s eye and smile. Not leer. Not wink. Not grin lasciviously. Just look at someone’s face and smile. You are greeted with this. " So, Mister I’m Wearing A Wedding Ring what the FUCK do you think you’re looking at?? How bout if you stare somewhere else, sack- a- shit??? " It has happened to me, I’ve watched it happen to others. I’ve lived in NYC since 1981. Looooooong gone are the days when a human being can make silent connection with another human being on a subway train in a polite manner. Long gone. ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2017, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/24 "2017-11-01T23:45:16Z")
A year or so I got a dirty look from an older woman who was me staring at another woman’s butt. What she didn’t know was that the butt in question belonged to my wife of 20 years. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/25 "2017-11-02T00:31:16Z")
> [@Cartooniverse](#): > > No idea what MTA subway lines you frequent. Allow me to illuminate for those not familiar with the dynamics of moving through our fair city using public transit. Especially underground. > > You catch someone’s eye and smile. > > Not leer. > Not wink. > Not grin lasciviously. > > Just look at someone’s face and smile. > > You are greeted with this. > > " So, Mister I’m Wearing A Wedding Ring what the FUCK do you think you’re looking at?? How bout if you stare somewhere else, sack- a- shit??? " > > It has happened to me, I’ve watched it happen to others. > > I’ve lived in NYC since 1981. Looooooong gone are the days when a human being can make silent connection with another human being on a subway train in a polite manner. > > Long gone. 🙂 I wrote this description back in 2010: > [@AHunter3](#): > > The train was one of the older ones, red cars and long bench seats running the whole length of the train instead of the smaller seats facing various directions like the newer trains had. At some point in my ride I found myself glancing again at the girl sitting directly across from me, because she was attractive and I wanted another peek; I was doing the thing where you watch someone out of your peripheral vision while your eyes are aimed somewhere else so you don’t get caught staring. She was looking rather attentively at the subway door off to my right. I don’t know how I knew but I sensed she was doing the same thing, looking at me without looking directly at me, and it made me smile which made HER smile and so we were both busted and smiling and glanced shyly directly at each other. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/26 "2017-11-02T12:29:22Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > Either that or dance our way to the middle so delicately that it never appeared that either one did. > > But if someone did, it wasn’t gonna be me. > > It takes a great deal of patience, as well as the slow development of a kind of radar for finding the women most likely to do opening moves, plus the slow practicing of the skills mentioned by **monstro** above. Even if they feel right and fit well, a person isn’t generally born with them as an innate ability. It’s not the same as passivity. Yep. I’ve no doubt this is a common occurrence. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/27 "2017-11-02T12:39:54Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Yep. I’ve no doubt this is a common occurrence. I’m probably being wooshed, but no I did not find it to be a common occurrence. Things are sparse over here on this side of the road. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/28 "2017-11-02T13:49:09Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I’m probably being wooshed, but no I did not find it to be a common occurrence. Things are sparse over here on this side of the road. You just can’t take “yes” for an answer, can you? 😉 I’ve experience both, being the hunter and the prey, as it were. It’s been my experience that women aren’t as timid about initiating as you make them out to be. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/29 "2017-11-02T14:13:45Z")
You’re probably cuter than I am. Or you’re better at flirting. But it’s good to know other people (other male people, I should say) have this experience! It’s something I’ve seldom have the opportunity to discuss with people. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/30 "2017-11-02T14:51:28Z")
I remember being hit on by a very attractive woman at a bar. At the time, I had a GF, so I very politely turned her down. Even after she told me she doesn’t mind that I have a GF. My other friends who were present at the time gave me endless shit about turning her down. Told me I was “crazy”. Ugh! That annoyed me to no end. I HATE that the typical expectation is for men to fuck around if given the opportunity. Seriously, that’s fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/31 "2017-11-02T15:00:54Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I remember being hit on by a very attractive woman at a bar. At the time, I had a GF, so I very politely turned her down. Even after she told me she doesn’t mind that I have a GF. What this OP is about. > [@Grrr](#): > > My other friends who were present at the time gave me endless shit about turning her down. Told me I was “crazy”. > > Ugh! That annoyed me to no end. I HATE that the typical expectation is for men to fuck around if given the opportunity. Seriously, that’s fucked up. Not what this OP is about. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/32 "2017-11-02T15:08:46Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > I don’t get this part. Sex feels good. Why wouldn’t everybody be happily ready to have it? Because there is both such a thing as bad sex and such a thing as a guy you can’t wait to kick out of the house. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/33 "2017-11-02T15:11:34Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > > [@Grrr!](#): > > > > My other friends who were present at the time gave me endless shit about turning her down. Told me I was “crazy”. > > > > Ugh! That annoyed me to no end. I HATE that the typical expectation is for men to fuck around if given the opportunity. Seriously, that’s fucked up. > > Not what this OP is about. WADR, why not? I thought the expectation, as shown by **Grrr!**'s friends, is that men are ready to have sex with anyone at the drop of a hat. And that seems to be at least part of what **AHunter3** is talking about. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/34 "2017-11-02T15:22:53Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > WADR, why not? I thought the expectation, as shown by **Grrr!**'s friends, is that men are ready to have sex with anyone at the drop of a hat. And that seems to be at least part of what **AHunter3** is talking about. > > Regards, > Shodan Is is? If so, I stand corrected. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/35 "2017-11-02T15:25:39Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Because there is both such a thing as bad sex But you won’t know until after it’s over. > [@](#): > > and such a thing as a guy you can’t wait to kick out of the house. and such a thing as a woman you can’t wait to kick out of the house. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2017, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222/36 "2017-11-02T16:50:18Z")
I’m nearly always ambivalent about sex for the first time with anyone. Ambivalent doesn’t mean being chock-full of “meh, whatever”. There’s usually a lot of excited anticipation (!!!). But it’s a minefield with opportunities for hurt feelings, for intensities driving things into bad channels, for miscommunication, for indignities and humiliations and challenges to perceptions and so on. Different people experience their own emotional stake in sex and and sexuality in different ways, but the “Why wouldn’t everybody always be happily ready to have it?” / “wheeee sex” attitude isn’t native to me, and any expectation that that is my attitude is going to cause problems at close range. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/looking-at-sexy-people-and-being-looked-at/800222.md?page=1)