I did, and I don’t regret it. But man it was a lot more than I bargained for.
The funny thing about life’s terrible events is that they often have unforseen consequences. My first instinct in this thread was, ‘‘I would start CBT at age 18 instead of 22.’’ I wasted a fair amount of time on psychodynamic therapy and horrible medications and interventions that didn’t work, but CBT turned things around in about 3 months. Those were four terrible years of my life, when I was in an amazing university full of social and extracurricular development opportunities, and I spent most of it in bed wanting to die. If I had done that, I would have had the guts to study abroad in Chile - an opportunity for which I received a scholarship but chickened out at the last moment not once, but twice, because of my anxiety and depression. (If you really want to know, my single greatest regret is not going to Chile.)
But how did I connect with the love of my life? With a skit I wrote and performed publicly as a member of a public advocacy group for crazy people. He was attending the event as extra credit for a psychology course, saw me performing and shot me an e-mail about how much he admired my willingness to talk openly about my struggles. Then there were all the nights we talked about what I was going through. There were all the times he helped me get through the day. Those trials forged one hell of a bond between us. What would I be trading in return for those four years I lost? If I would be trading this relationship, exactly as it is, not a chance.
Then there is regret. Having something to regret must be valuable in and of itself. Because whenever I’m asking myself whether I really have the guts to do something, I think of Chile, and I do it.
The only thing I would change is that for many years (and I still have to fight against myself on this sometimes) I would get an instinct telling me something was wrong and ignore it. If I would have just paid attention the first time I felt that mental “hmmmm” and walked away from whatever was going on I never would have dealt with most of the really bad crap that happened in my life.
I’d’ve realized that I was capable of having a lot more fun with women, and then had a lot more fun with women. At least to the point that it wouldn’t have affected my current path.
I should have stuck with getting a computer science degree, and in general taken my studies in college more seriously.
I should have studied abroad my senior year rather than staying here to play my final year of hockey. I torn cartilage in my shoulder the first game and missed most of the season.
I should have dumped my college girlfriend when the spark faded at the end of college rather than 4 years later.
I could provide a proverbial laundry list of choices I’ve made in my life that I’m dubious about, but what good is it? I’ve rejected the idea of regret at this point in my life. It’s an emotional manifestation of self-pity, and just recently I’ve been down that road, because I got hung up on my “dreams” and “plans” and so on. I got “greedy” about my future.
I think a lot of us visualize that we move into the future facing forward. I did for a long while, and I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that we don’t. Our backs are to the future, and all we can see is hindsight, ugly obstacles, mistakes and tragedy… Blah, blah, blah…
Last year was a huge lesson for me in this regard (career wise). I got greedy and put a lot on the line without even realizing it. I extended myself too far… thinking there was some sort of end-game. And when I ran out of rope, I hit the pavement at terminal velocity.
I’ve had to learn that there is no destination, just a journey. Be prudent, be cautious, and if you do decide on taking risks and hit dirt instead of gold, don’t beat yourself up; it’s just not worth it. Learn to be content, and perhaps even enjoy whatever you have—right now.
That’s actually a good point. I suppose it’s people’s perspective on regret; to wield it as an actual feather in your cap as a lesson learned. That’s a healthy outlook, IMHO.
"…If I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?”*
Also…wouldn’t have got married (at least not to the one I did)
and definitely wouldn’t have passed up that one-and-only chance to to see that Bob Dylan/Grateful Dead doubleheader.
SS
I would ignore my parents and friends who convinced me psych drugs and therapy were a scam. That would’ve kept me from crashing and burning at my first attempt at undergrad and losing pretty much the entirety of my 20s.
Come to think of it, I would just convince my younger self that my family really didn’t know anything about anything. Every single life lesson, habit, and piece of advice I got from them turned out to be bad.
During high school, when that girl agreed to come over to my place as part of a party, and everyone else cancelled, I …wouldn’t have cancelled the party unilaterally. I would have called her and asked her what she wanted to do. At the time, I was afraid that she’d think I was trying to pull some kind of sleazy move on her. Then again, this was someone I never had a great record of thinking clearly near. Even at the high school reunions…
When I went to university, I would have chosen art school instead of architecture school. Both art and ecological architecture have been constant threads throughout my life, and when I was choosing a university course, Mom said that she thought that I would do better in art school than architecture school, as the art was less structured.
I think now that she was right. I eventually switched out of architecture school, and did other things, but much later, thanks to certain courses and legal permissions in Ontario, I’ve actually managed to sell some building drawings with my name on them, and two of these designs have been permitted and are under construction. But I am not comfortable with the whole thing, and quite frankly, parts of the business terrify me. I am much more comfortable with creating artwork and stories… even about the same kinds of things.
I went into architecture school because I thought it would lead to making more money than art. Making much money has not occurred. If someone had sat me down then–or even five years ago–and talked about the business end of selling drawings, getting permits, dealing with clients, I would have reconsidered. And probably been happier.
At the end of high school, I could not imagine how an artist might make money. This was at the beginning of the video game boom of the eighties, and before the animation boom of the nineties. If someone from art school had talked about the importance of keeping to one’s vision, and also explained how the social and business aspects of the art world worked, I might have chosen that direction then. As it is, now I’m about to turn 48 and still struggling with this…
3. Given that I did go to architecture school, I would have asked a certain woman out on a date. I was at her house, for Pete’s sake. But I fell back at the crucial moment, unable to believe that I deserved anything good.
4. Again, in public and high school… I don’t remember how doable this was, but I would have found a way to do gymnastics. It was the only phys-ed thing that I truly liked, and in grade eight I actually remember doing moves on the uneven bars. If I could have done that instead of being trampled in team sports I did not understand and couldn’t compete in, I would have been in better shape and had more confidence. But by the end of grade nine, phys-ed was irretrievably linked in my mind with shame and being bullied, and I ran as far and fast away from it as I could.
I would have spent more time writing for real and less time writing on message boards
I wouldn’t have sold my horse when I went to college. I could have kept her if I stayed home and commuted to school but I “had” to get out of my dysfunctional family life. It wasn’t that dysfunctional, and I wish I knew what happened to that horse because she was pretty great. Plus, I dropped out of college soon after that and bought another horse that I wasn’t nearly as attached to (and I know where she went and she had a good long life).
I would have told my 15-20 year old self to walk more, eat only a little less and that I wasn’t the ugly kid that got teased because I was a redhead any more.
I wouldn’t have turned down a government job that was practically handed to me on a silver platter when I was in my mid-twenties. I turned it down because I would have had to quit with no notice but my boss at the time was a corrupt, negligent person that didn’t deserve me giving that kind of job up for.
I would have never gone even on the first date with the alcoholic, drug addict that wrecked my life in so many ways for about four years. If I had given myself the speech about not being an ugly kid any more, I never would have.
I would have left my previous job when I realized I was bored with it. Went through a devastating lay-off when I could have picked up the phone and had the job that I have now several years ago. Granted, I had no idea it would be as great as it is but still, I shouldn’t have sat where I was comfortable for so long.
Last, I would have called my grandmother one more time before she died. It was so hard for her to talk when I had called her last so I put off calling her. She’d been in and out of the hospital several times in the past two years and I told myself I’d call her soon but I didn’t in time :(.
Wow. Of course this one resonates a bit more than the others. No need to go into the details, but is this because you doubt your friend’s assessment, or something else?
…Really, you don’t have to answer at all, but that’s quite a harrowing situation. I can only hope I wouldn’t ever have to find myself (and my friends/loved ones) in a circumstance like that.
I would find my younger self about 30 seconds before I met my second wife and whisper in my ear, “You’re going to see a woman come walking through that door. Stay the hell away from her.”
Three things - I would have spent more time with my grandparents, gotten my first cat fixed before she got pregnant, and stuck with the piano lessons instead of whining until my parents let me quit at 13.
Don’t pick up the first drink. It will be followed by roughly 49,000 more and no end of trouble.
Also, if you want to get into a college that doesn’t randomly accept any carbon based life form, pay attention to your teacher in your Algebra class instead of listening to that kid yammering behind you (though I did learn something in algebra–a lot of dirty jokes.)
