I see from one of your posts above that you’re Catholic, so if you’re still in Davao on Dec 16 or later, try to go to Simbang Gabi, a festive novena of pre-Christmas Masses. Most churches hold them, either at dawn (when it will be cool enough to need a sweater or light jacket) or in the evening. There will probably be street vendors with food outside the churches. The Masses can be very full; apart from people attending out of devotion, others are there for the social aspect or because it’s a fun tradition.
may I suggest to simulate a regular living situation as much as possible? … eg not living out of a hotel, but out of an AirBnB, (in THE part of town that would be within your financial reach) etc… and not just go there sightseeing but walking the streets, riding a bike, doing shopping in the supermarkets and farmer markets, etc… to break out of your bubble (that you still will be in) …
also, staying 3 weeks at the same place might be just enough to get out of the honeymoon period - so in short, opt for the more basic, mundane stuff and resist the urge to get to all the best places of the country, as this will skew your perception.
also, keeping a written log on paper could be interesting for later reading, and document your emotional state (do I feel lonely?) more than what you saw or were doing.
oh… and personally, I’d stay away from the helpful single mother, as not to cloud your perception with that extra layer of emotionality. No problem to program for 1-2 meetings over coffee or lunch as a THANKS, but let not creep her in into your “simulation” and kick it out of whak.
and start a new thread, once you have boots on the ground …
An Air BnB is my preferance as I’d like to be able to buy food and cook it to avoid the issues of too much street food, but I’d also like to stay in a nice resort for a couple of nights as well. I don’t plan on going to any other regions outside of the Davao area, as I do not plan on moving to any of them. I can do that after I (and if) move there.
I can afford to live anywhere in the city, short of multi millionaire type accomidations. I also realize that I will always be in somewhat of a bubble, shopping in both markets and western style grocery stores, going to the high end mall and local shops, having a car and taking taxis, and socializing with ex-pats along with locals. I am not trying to live on a limited budget as a local, but do intend on walking the streets with the locals and doing local type activities when it interest me. But I’ll always be an American.
As for the single mom, she is in no way expecting us to get together or leading the conversation that way. It’s one of the reason I continue to communicate with her, countless others have been blocked becasue they steer the conversation away from talking about the area (which is my main focus) and about their own issues. She lives outside of area I am looking to live and has no interest in moving to the city, so its just conversation. I should be talking with someone local that I am comfortable with, no?
And I am keeping a notebook now that I got from Woot years ago that has title of “The Chaotic Good” on the cover., Yippie-ki-yay. For now I am making list of things I need to think about and do before I travel, as well as things I need to take into account if I move there. It will be key in my analysis of making my choice.
sounds like you are planning this really well (as good as one can do that from half a planet away) - so it might actually work
I (central european) have been living for 25 years now in Southern-LatAm - and I am truely enjoying it (but I arrived quite young, so I develped the bigger part of my adult life here and I am pretty much language and culture fluid and completely inserted into society) - so it def. can work out.
From personal experience: be prepared to move a couple of times in the first 1-2 years, until you have a better understanding of the local living conditions and how they relate to your personal needs (noise, traffic-connection, public transport, security of sector, etc…) … and you prob. want to look at the outskirts of the city more (tranquility, lower-population-density, security and micro-climate!) - as you don’t have to hit peak-rush-hour traffic in your life-style - unlike many others - so living somewhat outside makes more sense.
already waiting for that: I have been living in PH for a year now, AMA - thread
I guess it is a little soon to ask how you feel about becoming a stepdad, but one assumes you are fine with it or you wouldn’t be talking in the first place.
This does bring up (potentially) one other aspect of planning that you may have thought of already - if you do end up with a younger wife, and as a stepfather, will part of your financial planning include making sure the family will continue to have the income/savings needed to have a reasonable lifestyle if (or when, as seems likely) you pass away while the rest of the family still needs support?
I don’t mean that in an accusatory way at all, in case that’s not clear. You can make a reasonable plan, for sure. I was impressed at the thoughtful way some guys made sure they weren’t going to leave the rest of the family in the lurch when they passed away. But, it is another item you need to think about as you figure out your income and expenses over a lengthy time horizon.
Yes, I am planning for a budget scenario where I end of marrying and providing support for a single mom with one child. Maybe not this one, but realistically the majority of the woman I have been in a serious relationship with already had children and I dont expect this to change. I like having kids around and since I don’t have kids (or grandkids) of my own this is actually in the positive. That said, I dont want to raise a brood.
I do plan on meeting the one I am talking to, but we have not made any specific plans to do any activities together, she is not pushing for that and I like that. Part of that may be cultural, a shyness that providence woman have that is not common here. Girls from the city I speak with seem a bit more forward, and that has been a red flag for me, as they speak of showing me the city and going to the beachs in a way that indicates they are just looking for a good break in their lives. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but to bring it up early in our talks is warning sign.
The Philippines actually has laws that if you marry and start supporting a woman and her children in a relationship it may obligate you to do so for life if you move them from their family and source of income. This is especially true of foreigners, since they may have the assets to do so compared to local guys with nothing. But the same is already true here in the states, no shortage of deadbeat dads.
As for budget, I am budgeting for a wife who doesn’t work and has one child. From what I see, that is the stated goal of the majority of woman on the dating sites is to be a housewife. They are not shy about that aspect of their expectations. It could also be beneficial for an older guy like me to have companionship, purpose and enjoyment of life since I have no family there and scant family in the states.
And then there is tax thing. Many older couples lose all of their tax breaks when they have two retirement incomes and no kids. Its a cold hard fact, but actually being able to support a woman and her child could actually pay for itself with tax credits. Of course that would mean serious commitments like marriage and adoption. And lets not forget that men can continue having kids into their seventies, so there is that to consider as well.
So yes, I guess I have thouht about and considered this a little. I am not planning on going there to lay on the beach, play golf or pickup bar girls. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I am going there to live a less stressful, fulfilling life in my final chapter.
Yes, I do believe that when I pass I will still have investments that are earning money. And of course I would leave it to the people I am with there, not some distant surviving relation in the states. And if married (if), the wife and kids could be entitled to social security survivor benifits like any other dependent here in the states. If planned for properly.
There is an embassy in Manaila and a consulate in Cebu City, they assist in handeling things of this nature. If you legally marry someone they will get a green card and social security number. My ex-GF was a Mexican national and she obtained both of these because her ex-spouse was an American citizen and she was the mother of American children, both of her childeren were born in Mexico as well and have dual citizenship to this day. Legally adopted kids are the same way. And children born of an American parent are US citizens no matter where they are born.
Its all about planning properly. Planning things is what I do for a living now.
I know it’s strange according to the cultural norms that the majority of board members share, but as a long-time expat well acquainted with people who chose to become expats when they retired, it doesn’t sound weird to me - just pragmatic. And honestly, it’s nice that the OP is willing to be a responsible stepdad.
How is taking a realistic expectation into account by planning for the most expensive scenario? Even in the states, most women over 35 already have a child.
Since I am considering women a bit below my age, this should be taken into account. To not do so would be an unacceptable risk in my thinking. And kind of weird to limit myself to only older women with no children.
Just wanted you both (@Al128 and @zimaane ) to know that I am not cutting short your advice and that I appreciate your contribution to the discussion. I am after all, seeking advice. And I don’t want to discourage constructive criticism and questions.
I assume you have factored “seasons” into your plan … in what season will you be over there next month (by that I mean: will the weather/climate be at its best/avg/worst compared to the rest of the year? )
Climate is one of the main reasons I live where I live (aprox. 300 days of sunshine, but not overly hot and never muggy and always cool nights ;o)
I will add that I have some experience helping naturalized citizens from Africa with these kinds of things, and marriages take a loooong time to process. Child born to U.S. citizen abroad was quick and easy.
And best of luck in this endeavor. I may do something similar in about ten years time, so I am following closely.
SSN, yes. Green card? After a year, maybe. It generally takes at least a year to get your Philippines spouse into the US. It took me only 6 months because I had political pull.
Then the spouse can petition for parents after 10 years. Or is it 5 years, I forget. Definitely for siblings the wait is 20 years. Yes, twenty years.
Ignoring the kerfuffle and taking this purely objectively…
I agree planning for the woman to have pre-existing offspring is only sensible.
My little understanding of PI culture suggests to me that one-child families are quite rare and that several-child families are the norm. You may be willing to filter the candidates to one-child only, but that may be a much more severe filter than you presently recognize. May.
Different but loosely related point …
In PI society, everyone in the extended family helps everybody else. As well as the woman and the kid, you will be marrying that woman’s parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and all those folks’ spouses & offspring for however many generations exist or are born later.
You will seem rich to all those people and every one will have their hand out and under their culture every one of them reasonably expects to be able to turn to you for funding. Especially for “emergencies”, but also for parties, holidays, etc.
As I wrote in the other thread I cited above, one of my co-workers was amazed / appalled at how many people came out of the woodwork and how much his PI wife was unwilling to ever tell any of them “no”. And further at how angry his wife was with him whenever he said “no” to any of them.
To cut down on this sort of thing, follow the Three Island Rule: Live on a different island than your sweetie’s family, and let there be a third island in between those two.
There are a surprising number of widows with 1 or 2 kids, and a perhaps unsurprising number of single Moms, considering the sorry state of sex ed and birth control availability (other than condoms).
For now I am making list of things I need to think about and do before I travel, as well as things I need to take into account if I move there. It will be key in my analysis of making my choice.