# Lord of the Rings – the Musical **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 28, 2003, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011 "2003-05-28T14:06:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![bifar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@bifar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bifar)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/1 "2003-05-28T14:06:26Z")
Yay! I get to tell the good (ahem) news first! > **[Lord of the Rings musical planned for London stage](https://www.theguardian.com/film/2003/may/28/artsfeatures.westend)** > > Tolkien's classic trilogy is to be turned into a West End musical So who would _you_ cast? ---
**Author:** ![Nate\_the\_Great](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ea924/32.png) [@Nate\_the\_Great](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nate_the_Great)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/2 "2003-05-28T14:14:45Z")
Definitely Clay Aiken as an Elf. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/3 "2003-05-28T16:30:44Z")
Well, there was lots of song and drink in the book, so I guess it is not that far a stretch - though I would imagine with considerable editing - as even hard core LOTR fans probably wouldn’t be all that interested in a 9 hour musical. Celine Dion as Gollum. No makeup required. ---
**Author:** ![ozonebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/eb8c5e/32.png) [@ozonebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ozonebaby)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/4 "2003-05-28T16:35:28Z")
_laughing hysterically_ britney spears as the Witch King ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/5 "2003-05-28T16:36:31Z")
::trying to erase the mental image of a Nazgul chorus line:: ---
**Author:** ![Peg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Peg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peg)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/6 "2003-05-28T21:56:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pugluvr \* > \*\*::trying to erase the mental image of a Nazgul chorus line:: \*\* heh heh… _One (ring)! Singular sensation, every person that it takes!_ Yeah, sorry about that. Check this out: [www.thelordoftheringsmusical.com](http://www.thelordoftheringsmusical.com) The music sounds vaguely Cirque du Soleil to me, which brings in a whole host of … interesting visuals. “Cirque du Soleil presents… The Lord of the Rings, brought to you by Buick. Built to last.” ---
**Author:** ![Peg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Peg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peg)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/7 "2003-05-28T22:01:24Z")
Oh yes, and I hope that the horses won’t be played by patseys banging coconuts… ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/8 "2003-05-28T22:08:03Z")
To bad we lost Troy McClure (Phil Hartman). Remember him in Planet of the Apes? That’d be my Gandalf. ---
**Author:** ![lightingtool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/57b2e6/32.png) [@lightingtool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lightingtool)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/9 "2003-05-28T22:19:41Z")
I don’t even know what to say. There are times when I am ashamed to even admit to working in theatre. Not a single person should get cast in this terrible idea. sigh. Although, Sebastian Bach was soooo good in Jeckyll & Hyde, I’m sure he could play Gandolf. :rolleyes: stupid theatre industry doing stupid things without asking stupid me first. Stupid people trying to make money on spectacle and not on ideas. All these great playwrights out there and they have to re-hash something that’s been done better than they could ever do it. And, to top it all off, they made it a **musical**. Ooohhh, the horror. The horror! ---
**Author:** ![TWDuke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@TWDuke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TWDuke)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/10 "2003-05-28T22:23:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fern Forest \* > \*\*To bad we lost Troy McClure (Phil Hartman). Remember him in Planet of the Apes? That’d be my Gandalf. \*\* No, he’d have to be the human. It’s the part he was born to play. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/11 "2003-05-28T22:56:34Z")
**Sauron’s Solo** _chorus_ I want my ring back Oh yes my ring back Those horrid little hobbits they have stolen it from me! Let fly the Nazgul They’ll be so fearful Please go and get my ring so I can rule in tyranny! Oh people say that I am a bad fellow But that’s where they have me all wrong I’m really quite laid back and sort of mellow Those elves have lied about me for too long It started when I was hanging out with Melkor Busting back some ales and having fun Then Feanor and his brats they gave us what-for And we had to fight with them under the sun _repeat chorus_ Now later I helped the elves make nice jewelry And I made a special gold ring just for me But those elves they started with their tomfoolery Just because into their minds it let me see Well we had a little war which ended badly I’m the victim in this tale you understand They defeated my orc armies and then sadly That brat Isildur cut my ring right off my hand _repeat chorus_ Well I’m back now dwelling in my dark tower Safe despite those mean old elves and men I’m regaining much of my former power And I swear I’ll get my ring back once again! Now I heard that my gold band has been found So I keep my Eye peeled for some news of it And when I get it back I plan to really pound Those elves and men into a pile of… _music swells and slows_ I… WANT… MY… ring back. I want my ring back. _finish chorus and repeat once more_ ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/12 "2003-05-28T23:07:39Z")
Four little men from the Shire are we, Short as a Shire-man well can be, Filled to the brim with beer from Bree, Four little men from the Shire! Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![TWDuke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@TWDuke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TWDuke)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/13 "2003-05-28T23:17:16Z")
Hey! Come derry dol! Hop along my hearties! Hobbits! Ponies all! We are fond of parties, Now let the fun begin! Let us sing together Of sun, stars, moon and mist… No, no. That will never do. Better cut the whole scene. ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/14 "2003-05-29T06:11:04Z")
He’s _Istari_ and he’s okay! He sleeps all night and casts spells all day! ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/15 "2003-05-29T06:27:15Z")
When the moon hits your Ring Like the blade of Glammdring That’s a Nazgul… When the Mithril it shines Like you’ve had too much wine That’s a Nazgul… ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/16 "2003-05-29T12:15:39Z")
Saruman and Sauron: We are the evil ones and we’re okay We kill all night and we loot all day! We cut down trees, we eat our lunch, we go to the lavatree… On Sundays we go lootin’, we drink Elvish blood for tea! Merry and Pippin: The trees are alive, and I think they’re angry As they haven’t been for a thousand years The trees are alive, and are very hasty My heart wants to run from every tree of which it hears… Fellowship on Anduin: We all live in a yellow ship you’ve seen yellow ship you’ve seen yellow ship you’ve seen We all live in a…yeah. Right. Griknash Shackles and handcuffs and things that restrain you Whips, clubs, and lashes and things that will pain you Acid and salt and the things that will sting These are a few of my faaaaayyvorite things… ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/17 "2003-05-29T12:47:38Z")
When you see a king Corrupted by a ring You can bet it’s the workings of the Dark Lord… When a Nazgul comes by in the dead of the night All the villagers will cry and probably die from terrible fright. When you see Saruman Abandoning Aman You can bet that he’s probably out of his gourd… Call him evil, call him a liar From Rohan to the Shire You can bet it’s the workings of the Dark Lord! _With apologies to fans of Guys and Dolls._ ---
**Author:** ![RenMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecb155/32.png) [@RenMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RenMan)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/18 "2003-05-29T16:04:04Z")
**I have some ideas** **The Big Ensemble (or “Money”) Numbers** (not in any particular order) [ul] [li]_The Opening Hobbit Number_: I mean, c’MON, gotta have this one. A cross between “Oklahoma” and something Gilbert & Sullivan-ish.[/li][li]_The Council of Elrond_: Rousing inspirational Les-Miz-style revolutionary number (once they’ve all decided on what to do.)[/li][li]_Shagrat vs. Gorbag_: In the musical, this could be the comic relief farcical brawl number, with orcs (carefully choreographed) falling over each other, running all over the place, colliding with hilarious armor clanks, bopping each other over the head with pieces of castle, dying with over-acted groans, with honky-tonk piano in the background. Frodo getting passed around drunkenly, narrowly escaping death several times, that sort of thing. [/li][/ul] **Poignant, or not-so Poignant Solos and Duets** [ul] [li]_Frodo_: “Do I Dare Take the Ring?” (in the middle of the council)[/li][li]_Shelob_: Feed me, Samwise! Feed me all night loooooooooong.[/li][li]_Aragorn and Eowyn, natch_: “I Love My Elf, But Oh You Kid…” or “Because I Love Thee”[/li][li]_Saruman_: Eeeeeeeeeeesy streeeeeet…[/li][li]_Denethor a la King Herod_: Soooo, you’re MithranDIR, yeeess, the GREAT MithranDIR!! Prove to me that you’re diviiine, turn those Nazgul into SWINE! [/li][/ul] **Miscellaneous Ideas** [ul] [li]_Cracks of Doom_: Gollum rides the chandelier down to the edge of the lavapit.[/li][li]_Bilbo as a Narrator in a little footstool over in the corner of the stage_: Hey all that expository dialog: why burden the active characters with it?[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/19 "2003-05-29T16:15:41Z")
FWIW, I think that it would work pretty well as Opera. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011/20 "2003-05-29T16:32:45Z")
We’re Sargeant Frodo’s Lonely Hobbits Ring Band… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lord-of-the-rings-the-musical/178011.md?page=2)