# Lose the goatee, Tubby; and other free personal makeover advice **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 8, 2007, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863 "2007-08-08T14:56:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Solfy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Solfy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Solfy)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/41 "2007-08-08T18:51:13Z")
Where is my mind today? I read the title three times over, and still thought it started with advice to "Lose the goatse. . . " and I thought the “tubby” was a reference to, oh nevermind. My high school math teacher did not have a mere comb over. He had a comb up, around, and over. The part started in two inches from the bottom of his hairline in the back. The hair went up around the left side of his head, swirled around the front to make bangs, then worked its way back to the top center in a sort of swirl to cover the remaining bald portion. He fooled no one. I still marvel that he was able to keep it all in place. He could give Donald Trump lessons. Advice to women young and old: Put away your bra straps. (if men have bra straps that’s a horse of a different color) ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_Eboshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/57b2e6/32.png) [@Lady\_Eboshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_Eboshi)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/42 "2007-08-08T19:12:20Z")
[QUOTE=TheMerchandise] Female. But if I were male, I’d get myself some man-sandals. Mmmmm. [/QUOTE] Mmmmm…Man-dals. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/43 "2007-08-08T19:16:24Z")
[QUOTE=chaoticbear] If you want to attract all the gay boys, keep the goatee! Nothing makes me melt faster than a shaved head and a goatee. [/QUOTE] Cool! But that’s not the demographic I’m playing to. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/44 "2007-08-08T19:17:46Z")
Well, the male “look” here seems to be: Bermuda shorts, muscle shirt, barbed wire tattoo on one bicep, shell or wooden-piece necklace, pierced ear, sandals, cigarette held just right, and sunglasses on top of head. I’ve seriously seen two guys in their mid-thirties looking like this in the last week. This has “single male wanting to appear cool to younger chicks” written all over it. You look like a fucking dork, OK? Lose the tattoo. Quit smoking, or at least stop with the Humphrey Bogart impersonation with every puff. Get some normal shorts. Get a shirt that you can wear in public without giving us your impressive muscle flexing. Lose the necklace, Alice. Lose the earing, Blackbeard. If you can’t see without sunglasses then put them over your eyes. If fact don’t do that either, Bono. ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_Eboshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/57b2e6/32.png) [@Lady\_Eboshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_Eboshi)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/45 "2007-08-08T19:34:56Z")
Ah, the Bloatee![sup]TM[/sup] The tonsorial technique for guys with no definable jawline. Nothing turns women into pink puddles of jelly faster than that scrawled-on-with-rubber-cement-then-patted-down-with-barbershop-floor-leavin’s look. not :rolleyes: :dubious: 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/46 "2007-08-08T19:39:19Z")
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist] I’m a tall, thin, dashingly handsome man (5’8", 200 pounds) with a full luxurious head of hair (in the front, I’ve no idea what might be happening on the top or back. Although my head does tend to get sore when I’ve been in the sun too long, I can’t imagine my raging masculinity would allow any thinning. As a result, I certainly wouldn’t stoop to a “combover”). My question - are Hawaiian shirts a suitable replacement for the photographers vest that many concealed weapons carriers believe are so unnoticeable? [/QUOTE] Who’s got your undies, Walter? Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/47 "2007-08-08T19:46:15Z")
[QUOTE=cards] Surely it’s Mayfields Turtle Tracks ice cream. [/QUOTE] Would you mind terribly just standing beside my refrigerator on a regular basis, so you can remind me of this if I ever look confused? I’ll pay you handsomely in fashion tips. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/48 "2007-08-08T19:50:53Z")
**Bobo** , I think the key is to learn how to sing like Tim McGraw. Or Kenny Chesney. Because then when you remove your hat indoors (like you damn well should) and we see that you’ve buzzed it because you’re balding (and hence why you always wear your damn hat) we’re too preoccupied with your singing (or to be fair, your biceps) to really give a hoot about what’s on your head or not. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/49 "2007-08-08T19:57:47Z")
**teela brown** /Kryssttl: People who complain about your butt crack/thong dilemma are just jealous hatrz. They probably wish they could achieve that muffin-top look you flaunt so effortlessly. Pay them no mind. **Kythereia** : Skirts should form a puddle no higher than 1/4 of an inch above your ankles shortly after meeting me. **featherlou** /Mrs. Kent: There are two possible answers to your dilemma. First, your husband really is Superman, in which case it doesn’t matter what he wears around the house, because he’s freakin’ _Superman_, and you should quit your whining. Second, your husband is a massive nerd, in which case he should never be allowed out of the house. Frankly, you have my respect no matter which scenario is true, because I can’t imagine being married to either Superman OR a massive nerd. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/50 "2007-08-08T20:06:20Z")
Dear **Sauron** , Can you please explain to my husband that facial hair has to be trimmed more than once per decade? Because otherwise I’m going to have a go at that nasty, four-inch long grey goatee while he’s sleeping, and I’m afraid the butcher knife will slip. Thanks and best regards, Mrs. Clueless Old Guy ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/51 "2007-08-08T20:24:35Z")
[QUOTE=Dr. Woo] Can you please explain to my husband that facial hair has to be trimmed more than once per decade? [/QUOTE] Don’t forget, this includes eyebrows too. Gah, my old man’s got some that look like the frayed ends of a cable that snapped. Professorial, yes, but distracting nevertheless. Sometimes when we can’t find the pot scrubber we just rub our plates on his face. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/52 "2007-08-08T20:26:09Z")
[QUOTE=Kythereia] Column? **Sauron** , you need your own TV show. [/quote] Seconded. I have a Mac with a webcam, that’s got to be a start… > [@Kythereia](#): > > By the way, how short is too short when it comes to skirts? I’m sorry? I do not understand the question. ---
**Author:** ![Monstera\_deliciosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monstera_deliciosa/32/109_2.png) [@Monstera\_deliciosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstera_deliciosa)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/53 "2007-08-08T20:30:35Z")
[QUOTE=Hal Briston] A pretty accurate list, except for the fingernails thing. I realize I’m in the minority, but I rank nice nails above nice boobs. [/QUOTE] Bravo **Hal**! This is the second time the fingernail thing has come up recently. I once received an e-mail from an ex in the form of a long erotic reminiscence/fantasy. Along with my other charms, he waxed poetic about my long, well manicured (but not talon-esque) fingernails. So at least some men do notice them, and quite positively. Though that is not the reason why I wore them long and polished. Like virtually everything else about my dress and appearance, I did it because _I_ liked the way they looked. Unfortunately, these days, because of work and hobbies, they are no longer long, but they are always polished. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/54 "2007-08-08T20:40:58Z")
I’m more likely to notice painted toenails. Very sexy! ---
**Author:** ![Lisa\_Ann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Lisa\_Ann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lisa_Ann)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/55 "2007-08-08T21:15:20Z")
Dear Sauron, I was too lazy to shave my legs today, but discreet enough to wear pants. Am I a bad girl? ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/56 "2007-08-08T21:27:56Z")
[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train] Who’s got your undies, Walter? Stranger [/QUOTE] Total hijack - saw a guy the other day that was _applying_ for a CCW, and he had his official “I’m carrying a gun” vest on. That’s sure to impress the Sheriff - “Look sir, I gots me the getup already on. Ima gonna wear it for the next 3 months until the permit comes through, then probably never carry a gun 'cause they’re all heavy and mess up my thin, shiny belt” ---
**Author:** ![Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3da27b/32.png) [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikki_Tikki_Tavi)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/57 "2007-08-08T21:55:49Z")
[QUOTE=scout1222] There’s a guy who works here that wears snug jeans, a huge belt buckle, boots and a cowboy hat to work. And I mean he keeps the cowboy hat on all day inside the office. Just to be clear, I do not live in Texas. [/QUOTE] That sounds kind of hot. What are your feelings on french-manicured toenails? Classier than airbrushing? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/58 "2007-08-08T22:14:11Z")
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist] Total hijack - saw a guy the other day that was _applying_ for a CCW, and he had his official “I’m carrying a gun” vest on. That’s sure to impress the Sheriff - “Look sir, I gots me the getup already on. Ima gonna wear it for the next 3 months until the permit comes through, then probably never carry a gun 'cause they’re all heavy and mess up my thin, shiny belt” [/QUOTE] Next to them are the ones with the large belly packs who are no doubt thinking how clever they are that anyone would possibly expect them to be concealing a firearm. Oh, except for the lack of a manufacturer’s label and the fact that it hangs like you’re carrying a brick. Then there is the shoulder holster crowd; you know, the ones who are obsessive _Miami Vice_ fans and think they can tuck a Desert Eagle into a harness under an oversized jacket and be invisible, even though it take them ten seconds to actually draw their weapon. Real discreet, guys. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/59 "2007-08-08T23:14:46Z")
[QUOTE=Sauron] Frankly, you have my respect no matter which scenario is true, because I can’t imagine being married to either Superman OR a massive nerd. [/QUOTE] Oh really? Well your lovely and talented wife can. Ba dum bum. [sub]You’re going to come back with the fact that you’re Superman…AREN’T YOU?!?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/51bf81/32.png) [@TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2007, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863/60 "2007-08-08T23:23:54Z")
I guess this is supposed to be a joke thread or whatever, but the biggest fashion mistakes I see on a daily basis are: 1. Guys wearing shirts that are too large. You should strive to wear a shirt that’s as form-fitting as possible without being tight, **regardless** of your size. It blows my mind how many guys wear shirts that are a size or even two too large. 2. No pleated pants, under any circumstances, ever. 3. No polo shirts as part of office wear - ever. You look like a used car salesman. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lose-the-goatee-tubby-and-other-free-personal-makeover-advice/414863.md?page=4)