# Losing virginity **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2004, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758 "2004-10-29T00:03:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/41 "2004-10-29T05:04:07Z")
I’m pretty close to that age… He _told_ you he was going to have sex? Like, he walked in and said “Hey Mom! I’m gonna fuck my girlfriend tonight!”!?! Kid has stones. (Oh, yeah, buy him the condoms if he wants you too.) ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/42 "2004-10-29T07:17:19Z")
**Ilsa\_Lund** > [@](#): > > Like, he walked in and said “Hey Mom! I’m gonna fuck my girlfriend tonight!”!?! No, he asked me if I would leave the house tomorrow night. It followed from there. **Ilsa\_Lund** > [@](#): > > (Oh, yeah, buy him the condoms if he wants you too.) He already has them. **clairobscur** > [@](#): > > Mom told us he’s a bright guy. Bright guys don’t fear the truth. Truer words were never spoken. **Ruby** and \*\*yosemite \*\* My kids know firsthand how hard it is to bring up children. They watched me do it. They saw my tears, my pain after working all night at a second job. Still not able to buy them designer jeans. None of my girls want children right away if at all. I think the reason my son waited this long was to be sure he knew what he was doing first. Besides, he knows I wouldn’t have the time or the money to help him much. He read what you said and we discussed it. He will talk to her about what she would do and what he would want before they decide whether or not to have sex. **Giraffe** > [@](#): > > Do not tell him this! It’s of course absolutely true, but it’s also just going to add to any worry or pressure he’s already putting on himself. Not to mention the fact that, no matter how cool your relationship is, you’re still his mother. No one wants their mother telling them “it’s OK if you blow your load too early, dear” right before they have sex for the first time. Actually we discussed this too. He wanted to know how long was “long enough”. (I am smiling so hard right now.) I told him she probably wouldn’t care but if he was worried, two minutes would be fine. He told me “Jeesh, I can’t do it in that short of a time!!” Whether he is bragging or not, I think he has the right outlook no? **Incubus** > [@](#): > > it was only when I was in a position to make my own decisions wtihout feeling somehow ‘influenced’ by one (or both) parents actions that I actually had self-confidence. From young children I have allowed them to make their own decisions. I would of course tell them what I would do and point out the potential consequences. I know a lot of you disagree with that and it was difficult for them in school because they would question even the teachers. But the result has been some pretty damn intelligent kids and ones with great integrity and self confidence. You cannot get along in this world and make a difference unless you question everything. **Rick** > [@](#): > > Remind him that if a girl says no that means stop. **Bippy the Beardless** > [@](#): > > and if she says no to be sure to just hug her, and not blaim her for saying no. To this I added, “Don’t turn away from her…keep her in your arms and reassure her it’s ok.” Most of all, smile at her. (Even if you are grinding your teeth.) **Mr. Blue Sky** > [@](#): > > I do not envy you your position Thats ok, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Especially now that I have found you guys. How I wish you were around when they were smaller. I am a firm beliver that kids are not stupid. You can’t hide things from them without them learning you can’t be trusted. I am put here as there mother to guide them the best way I know how. Not the easiest way I know how. So I talk to them. All the time and anytime they want to. When my 22 year old was 15, she wanted to know what a BJ was. I told her. I think that when they ask, it is time for them to know. And I give it to them straight. If it is too much, they tell me and I stop. I also let them take the consequences for their actions. It wasn’t easy, but you should see what great responsible kids they are. Every one of them has found their talent in life. All feel lucky they can go to college and are already planning for it. My oldest is almost done with school and is already a drug and alcohol therapist in a rehab. She also works with disabled children part time. Oh ya **GorillaMan** and **alterego** : He really did need the > [@](#): > > hey good going buddy! > 😃 and > [@](#): > > Oh, and pass this message to Sensualips Jnr: > 😃😉😃😉😃😉😃😉 😃 **Garfield226** FWIW I have a Toyota, insurance, and the brakes are just fine. ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/43 "2004-10-29T07:31:53Z")
Sure, you’ve all mentioned breaking condoms, STD’s, unexpected pregnancy, the statistical chances of promiscuity and multiple partners at 16 years old, and so on. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg! What about performance anxiety? Premature ejaculation? What if he’s not big enough for her? What if it’s awkward? What if he’s lying? What if she turns out to be some type of alien waiting for hapless young men to fall into her clutches so they can be abducted for ghastly experiments? What if she’s a vampire?!? Once again, the SDMB has been presented with what is a very cool and remarkably healthy situation, and inflated it to A Crisis Facing Our Nation. **Sensualips** and her son have an open and trusting enough relationship that he’d voluntarily go to her with a very personal and private situation. Coming from a family that never, ever, ever talked about sex (and still doesn’t if it can be at all avoided), I envy that, and think that repressing it would be the worst possible thing to do. Now, of course, talking about protection, and respect, and the risks involved, are not the same thing as repression. But know your audience. Yes, of course teenage pregnancy is a very big deal, as are STD’s, and just the simple maturity enough to be able to handle having a sexual relationship. But somehow, plenty of people manage to make it through their first (and subsequent) sexual experiences with no loss of limb or lifelong trauma. Some people even get to where they enjoy it! There’s already so much (unnecessary) pressure on your “first time,” nobody needs to be adding to it So yeah, my advice to **Sensualips** would be to get him the equipment and not make an issue of it, if you’re comfortable with doing that. (I’d suggest you don’t put a big bow on it and a card that reads, “Love, Mother”). Yes, he’s going to have to buy them for himself eventually, but one less thing to have to concern himself with (and for you to concern yourself with) is a good idea. And make certain he’s aware of the importance of caution, protection, and maturity, but without resorting to “The Sky Is Falling! Have sex once and you’ll die Of SYPHILIS and have an unwanted CHILD!!!” People learn to drive without having to be reminded of decapitations and car explosions and being trapped in a car that’s sinking in a lake, even though all that stuff does happen on occasion. ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/44 "2004-10-29T07:44:33Z")
> [@Sensualips](#): > > From young children I have allowed them to make their own decisions. I would of course tell them what I would do and point out the potential consequences. I know a lot of you disagree with that and it was difficult for them in school because they would question even the teachers. But the result has been some pretty damn intelligent kids and ones with great integrity and self confidence. **You cannot get along in this world and make a difference unless you question everything**. One of the few bits of literature I have memorised (probably imperfectly) is: “Always to be right, always to trample forward, never to doubt; is this not how dullness takes the lead in the world?” (from _Vanity Fair_ - the novel. I hasten to add) > [@Sensualips](#): > > I am a firm believer that kids are not stupid. You can’t hide things from them without them learning you can’t be trusted. I am put here as there mother to guide them the best way I know how. Not the easiest way I know how. So I talk to them. All the time and anytime they want to. **When my 22 year old was 15, she wanted to know what a BJ was**. I told her. I think that when they ask, it is time for them to know. And I give it to them straight. If it is too much, they tell me and I stop. Daughters grow up quick. I watched _There’s Something about Mary_ with my 8 year old the other day. (My first time, she’d already seen it with my wife.) Afterwards, at dinner, we were talking about the scene where Ben Stiller takes the advice of his friend and “flogs the dolphin”. Natalie said she liked the way Mary put the goo on her hair. I asked her if she knew it wasn’t hair gel. Of course, she said, he used his hands to get it “from there”. Plus, I added knowledgeably, he was looking at pictures of beautiful girls. Why my wife had to ruin my little chat with a “just like Daddy” I just don’t know? Natalie found that funnier than the film for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/45 "2004-10-29T08:54:44Z")
I did tell my daughters something totally different. Which worked quite effectively in preventing them from having sex too young. (Of course my 14 year old is still in the yuck kissing stage. But it worked with her sister who now has a sex life, albeit she is picky as to who. She still tells me when she is with someone new! She lives an hour and a half away! Not many, thank Og.) But I told them that they should really care for the boy they choose to lose their virginity to. Be sure he cares for you too. “Because sex is really messy. Do you really want some jerk seeing you with this sticky mess all over your butt as you walk to the bathroom?” This always took the tension off the moment, but I am sure it made an impression! ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/46 "2004-10-29T09:45:39Z")
On a serious note: It is my opinion that 16 - 17 is a natural age for someone to begin to experiment sexually. I have seen far too many men and women who were actually traumatized from mildly to severely by NOT having sex in high school. I think this affects their self-esteem, their confidence and their whole look at the world. If the situation does not at least present itself to them, I believe it is more of a tragedy than not. How they handle this situation is another thing. I am NOT saying that every teenager should **engage** in sexual activity. But should at least have the ability and opportunity to turn it down or accept it. I can state cases where this was in fact what I have witnessed. ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/47 "2004-10-29T10:53:27Z")
MY son is only a few years behind yours and I think we have the same kind of relationship. Good on ya! EVERY 16 yr old is thinking about sex, the ones who can approach someone for advice (from someone other then mates who are all mouth) or just chit chat are the lucky ones. Jnr I hope you realise you hav a bloody good mum. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/48 "2004-10-29T11:07:37Z")
> [@Sensualips](#): > > I am allowing my son to see everything you are posting here. This way he is getting the benefit of all sides. So far he has enjoyed all of it and we have had a good time. We also discussed some of the consequences. I am a very proud mother at this very moment. AND a very proud Doper. > > He has decided to wait a while longer to have sex with her. He really doesn’t know her that well and is in no rush to hurt anyone. He still has feelings for another girl he dated a year ago and thinks he should at least give this girl the chance to override those feelings. Wow! You’ve raised an extraordinarily mature and considerate young man. I’m feeling a great deal of respect for the pair of you. 🙂 **I’ve checked all the posts here and I may be wrong, but I don’t think anyone’s pointed out that he needs to know the most important thing - if she’s a virgin, odds are she’ll bleed. Possibly copiously.** When I was dating (but hadn’t had sex yet) with my first boyfriend (also a virgin), I mentioned casually that I wasn’t looking forward to that bit much. He was first stunned to find out that I would probably bleed, and then incredibly angry with his parents for never having mentioned it to him. As far as he was concerned, that was the No.1 thing they should have mentioned at some point (they were pretty shy folks though, so he had basically no information) as he would have believed otherwise that he’d done something horribly wrong and hurt me. Just as well I’d mentioned it because, well, I’m a bleeder at the best of times. You can imagine how it went. Even with foreknowledge, he still took a lot of convincing that it didn’t hurt much, what with all the blood. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/49 "2004-10-29T11:13:39Z")
Don’t scare him! It probably won’t be copious. ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/50 "2004-10-29T11:56:07Z")
Or it could be not at all. My gf was a virgin when we met but she didn’t have a hymen. They can break for non sexual reasons when girls are younger. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/51 "2004-10-29T12:23:04Z")
**Khiadra** > [@](#): > > **if she’s a virgin, odds are she’ll bleed. Possibly copiously.** Very good point. No, I didn’t think of this. I will mention it to him tonight. I actually think he is a little relieved that he has decided to wait (As am I). I want to thank all of you for your kind words of support. Their father left 9 years ago and has not even called them since. What he left behind was a totally dysfunctional and broken family. But we were a family and we all helped each other get through it and come out triumphant. We were and are a team. We have noone else as his family deserted them as well and mine is nonexistant. In a way, I think this board tonight (now this morning) has added a new dimension to our family. ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/52 "2004-10-29T13:58:23Z")
> [@calm kiwi](#): > > Don’t scare him! It probably won’t be copious. _laugh_ I wasn’t advocating showing scenes of the Chainsaw Massacre and saying ‘Yes, dear, just like that’. 🙂 But it’s something all teens should be aware of. Imagine if you _didn’t_ mention it and she - like me - was a bleeder? It could very well put you off repeating the experience for years. ---
**Author:** ![badmana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@badmana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badmana)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/53 "2004-10-29T14:36:21Z")
I just wanted to step in and say you’re an amazing parent **Sensualips**. I’m glad you’re accepting that teenagers have sex on the brain and aren’t trying to suppress a very basic and _important_ human need. A need that, when ignored, tend to produce some very fucked up kids. My parents didn’t have to give me “the talk”. I did much of my learning on my own but they laid the foundations to my questioning ways. I researched sex online (not _all_ porn :D) and when my GF and I were ready, we talked about all the aspects that big step would entail. Our next big step happens tomorrow when I ask her to marry me 😃 Good luck to your kid. The first time isn’t very good but to share such a close and personal experience with a woman can be in incredible turning point in a serious relationship. ---
**Author:** ![caphis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19adc/32.png) [@caphis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caphis)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/54 "2004-10-29T15:01:03Z")
So, where are you off to this evening, **Sensualips**? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/55 "2004-10-29T15:10:20Z")
I didn’t bleed much but it didn’t feel good at all that first time. I was actually glad that the guy came really fast, because I was not happy, but I wanted to get past that first time. This varies, of course, but he needs to know that her first time has a good chance of not being nearly as much fun as his, though no fault of his own. He sounds like a good kid. I suspect a lot more people get through high school as virgins than they’re willing to admit as well, though that isn’t really on topic here. Heck, I survived until 25, though lack of opportunity. I was not scarred for life by it, either. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/56 "2004-10-29T15:20:23Z")
Oh, and one more thing. Remember to mention to him the importance of getting the young lady off too, and the techniques he might use to do that (if my understanding of straight sex is accurate, it’s unlikely he’ll be doing that just by penetrating her, at least the first time before he’s had a chance to practise.) ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/57 "2004-10-29T15:39:59Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > Sure, you’ve all mentioned breaking condoms, STD’s, unexpected pregnancy, the statistical chances of promiscuity and multiple partners at 16 years old, and so on. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg! What about performance anxiety? Premature ejaculation? What if he’s not big enough for her? You’re underestimating us. We _did_ adress that too… 😉 > [@](#): > > What if she turns out to be some type of alien waiting for hapless young men to fall into her clutches so they can be abducted for ghastly experiments? What if she’s a vampire?!? Of course she is a vampire. She going to abduct \*\* sensual lips \*\*'s baby at night and drain his vital fluids… 😉 > [@](#): > > Once again, the SDMB has been presented with what is a very cool and remarkably healthy situation, and inflated it to A Crisis Facing Our Nation. Well…I suspect that the first time for a first timer ranks as a significantly more important issue than a mere “Crisis Facing Our Nation” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/58 "2004-10-29T15:44:13Z")
> [@Sensualips](#): > > He is also the only boy in my family other than my older brother who doesn’t have all his faculties. (maybe that’s why) I’m having trouble figuring out what this means. Can you explain further? It sounds like you mean he’s retarded, but the rest of your post doesn’t imply that at all. Am I being dense? ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/59 "2004-10-29T16:58:52Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > You people are actually suggesting that she buy the condoms _for him_!? > > Jesus Christ! If he is afraid of a little embarrassment at the pharmacy, the kid is not ready to have sex. It shouldn’t be mommy’s job to get her son contraceptives. :rolleyes: I bought my son’s first box of condoms. He didn’t ask me to. I felt (and still feel) that it is a part of parenting. If he bought his own, that’s fine. But the gesture is two-fold: you care about his health and you don’t want him to become a parent too early in his life. We need to stop treating sex as some dark and naughty thing and try looking at it as a natural aspect of our lives. Also, contrary to what someone here said earlier, I think sex is _part_ of discovering who you are; not a _roadblock_ to finding out who you are. The fact that they are still discovering themselves shouldn’t preclude them from exploring the most basic part of the human experience. As long as they do it on their own clock and not because they’re being pressured into it by others, they’re behaving normally. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758/60 "2004-10-29T17:13:23Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Oh, and one more thing. Remember to mention to him the importance of getting the young lady off too, and the techniques he might use to do that (if my understanding of straight sex is accurate, it’s unlikely he’ll be doing that just by penetrating her, at least the first time before he’s had a chance to practise.) A LOT of us can’t climax from penetration, no matter what happens in porn and bad romance novels. I didn’t think about that point because my first time I was thinking something along the line of “My God, I’m having SEX!” than getting into the right frame of mind for an orgasm. YMMV. She probably has a good idea of what she likes; follow her cues, and all ought to go well, with practice if not immediately. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/losing-virginity/271758.md?page=4)