# Love deferred (please help) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 20, 2002, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923 "2002-05-20T10:16:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Granuaile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecccb3/32.png) [@Granuaile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Granuaile)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/1 "2002-05-20T10:16:08Z")
In a nutshell: 10 years ago I was at a theatre school in England. I became good friends with an English guy (who I will refer to as “H”) who was attending the same school. I had a HUGE crush on him but felt he was way out of my league. Outside of a very brief encounter, nothing really came of it. Fast Forward: A few months ago I was watching a TV show and H was on it. At this point in time, he was relegated to a “What If?” status and a small sigh. So I sit down to write a very short " You don’t remember me…glad to see you’re doing well" Email. I don’t hear from him so I write it off. Well, here I am in New Zealand and I get a chance to read my Email. He freaking Emailed me!!! He remembers me, will be in my neck of the woods in a few weeks. Well guess what, he wants to see me. I am a very happily married woman, great husband, wonderful kids yet all of these feelings are popping up. I feel like a schoolgirl and the cute boy just winked at me. I will willingly listen to any fair and resonable advice. Please help. so it wasn’t quite a nutshell P.S. I’m not going to be in the States until the end of the week so if I don’t respond right away, please do not be offended. ---
**Author:** ![LolaBaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@LolaBaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaBaby)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/2 "2002-05-20T11:25:27Z")
Hmmm. If I were you, go have lunch or something. Just be sure to tell your husband about your old friend. And make sure it’s just a “friend” thing. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/3 "2002-05-20T12:02:07Z")
You are much better off not seeing him. You can enjoy all these wonderful bitterswet emotions (and it is fine to enjoy them) much better if you don’t actually see him, and it means that you won’t end up doing something that you know you will later regret. If you must, must go, take your husband with you, after explaining your former relationship with this man (such as it was) with perfect honesty. ---
**Author:** ![mack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mack)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/4 "2002-05-20T14:58:00Z")
I may be reading too much into this, but if you have these “feelings…popping up” about a man with whom you had “a very brief encounter” (I’m not quite sure what “a very brief encounter” entails) then this sounds like more than catching up on the old crowd over a couple of brewskis. It sounds like you’re still kind of infatuated. ---
**Author:** ![kniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@kniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kniz)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/5 "2002-05-20T15:18:28Z")
[ul]Have a torrid love affair with him and then write and tell us all the details. ;)[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/6 "2002-05-20T15:29:49Z")
Hmmm. I don’t see a question for us to advise you on. Im with those who think you shouldn’t meet him , if thats your question. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/7 "2002-05-20T21:24:33Z")
Ask yourself this: What do you hope to accomplish by meeting with him? Saying hello to an old friend? Then take your husband with you. Don’t want to take husband? Then you must at least be dreaming of a brief, clandestine fling. Can you keep it brief and secretive? Can you live with yourself afterwards? Only you can answer that one. Would you be willing to dump the husband and kids and take off with Prince Charming? If so, go for it. If not, better take the husband along, or not meet at all. The tone of your post tells me that you would probably be better off continuing with the occasional “what if” daydream. IMHO ---
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/8 "2002-05-20T21:44:10Z")
I have to question your conviction of being so happy in your marriage. The way I see it, if you really are happy, you wouldn’t have feelings strong enough (about a guy you barely know) to prompt you to write the OP and consider cheating on your husband and family. My advice, of course, is to not see him, and maybe even talk to your husband about your temptation. ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/9 "2002-05-20T22:39:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manda JO \* > You can enjoy all these wonderful bitters **wet** emotions Yeah, I bet! Anyway I vote for not hooking up with him. Would you want your husband to rendezvous with an old unrequited love? ---
**Author:** ![LolaBaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@LolaBaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaBaby)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/10 "2002-05-20T22:43:40Z")
Well, to be fair to **Granuaile** she did not say she _wanted_ to cheat with her old friend in the OP. He merely suggested they meet up. I thought about this again, and I will add-on an agreement with **MandaJo** ; > [@](#): > > If you must, must go, take your husband with you, after explaining your former relationship with this man (such as it was) with perfect honesty. You don’t have to resist temptation if your husband is there. I see nothing wrong with catching up with an old friend, even if you feel a bit “giddy” about it. Just take the right precaution (take hubby along). ---
**Author:** ![white-tigeress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f475e1/32.png) [@white-tigeress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/white-tigeress)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/11 "2002-05-20T23:06:47Z")
I agress with Knizz ---
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2002, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/12 "2002-05-20T23:08:47Z")
Well, **LolaBaby** if she’d had a _friendship_ with the guy, I’d agree with seeing him with her hubby. There was an attraction between the two, but apparently never a friendship. So, in my mind, she won’t be seeing him for any reason but to explore that attraction. She may not have outright stated she wanted to cheat, but I see no other motive for her wanting to get together with him. ---
**Author:** ![Granuaile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecccb3/32.png) [@Granuaile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Granuaile)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/13 "2002-05-21T07:39:49Z")
I’ve been able to hijack a computer for a few minutes… O.K., clarification I probably wrote this OP in haste but it really did jolt me. We_were_good friends at one point a long time ago. On almost every possible interest, viewpoint or activity we agreed. What we didn’t agree on just made things more interesting. He even stated that he was sorry that he didn’t keep in touch but things just kept popping up. I do love my husband and children and have no interest in cheating on them. That being said, if anyone could tempt me, he would have a good chance. Besides the fact we had alot in common, he is also my (physically) perfect male. Media reviews I have read of his work have described him as “painfully attractive.” That is an apt description To be perfectly blunt, he wasn’t in the picture when I met my husband. The husband thing is a dicey one. He was badly burned by his first wife cheating on him. I have only recently been able to talk to my gay male friends without him teasing me in a pointed way. I would hear about it for _years_ if he even knew I got an Email from H. Let alone meeting him. Obviously,I’m not sure what to do. Outside of fluffy, pink daydreams H and I get along better than anybody with the exception of my husband. So, now what? ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/14 "2002-05-21T09:19:40Z")
No good can come from meeting up with him. A lot of bad can happen… ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/15 "2002-05-21T10:43:17Z")
I think you’re playing with fire here; The bad thing about this is; if you slip, your husband will be the one that gets burned. _…in short… keeping secrets from husband…very, very bad…_ ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/16 "2002-05-21T11:15:32Z")
**spooje** is dead on target. Keep it to email. Though hubby seems to be a trifle oversensitive, he is your mate, and hurting him over something like this would be wrong. I would hope that you could at least tell him you guys are emailing. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/17 "2002-05-21T11:20:49Z")
Remember that one scene out of Fargo? ---
**Author:** ![LolaBaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@LolaBaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaBaby)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/18 "2002-05-21T12:28:08Z")
After the explanantion about the hubby getting burned, then yeah, I changed my mind. Keep it to e-mail. Tell him, though (hubby). Who knows, if you talked about it and kept it up and up, maybe, just maybe…he’d be up to meeting the guy also. Doesn’t sound like it, though, if he’s sensitive to that. I hang out with a lot of my guy friends (a few ex-boyfriends…I’m in a fishing club). We have camping weekends, and I’m with a whole bunch of dudes. My SO trusts me and lets me go, and the camping weekends are uneventful (other than catching fish). He’s not sensitive to that (cheating) plus he trusts me, so I had a much more lenient (I can’t think of a better word right now) view of **Granuaile’s** situation. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/19 "2002-05-21T12:47:58Z")
If you have to keep it a secret from your husband, than you should not, under any circumstances, meet him. What this sounds like is that you are trying to set up a situation where you can be “swept away” into a night of torrid sex and it won’t really be your fault because you were overcome with your emotions. It is your responsibility to avoid situations where this might happen. But your husband might not freak out if you mentioned it to him, and suggested the two of you meet him for dinner: he may well like the idea of meeting a famous person and being able to say casually at work “Oh, yeah, we had Dinner with H last night. Yeah, he went to school with my wife. He’s allright”. And if he was burned" by his first wife, how do you think he is going to feel if he somehow sees this email and you’ve never mentioned it? A great deal worse than if you asked him straight up if he would like a chance to meet H. ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923/20 "2002-05-21T16:25:18Z")
Jeeze. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-deferred-please-help/109923.md?page=2)