# Love: It will "just happen" **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 7, 2007, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351 "2007-09-07T13:33:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/41 "2007-09-07T15:58:09Z")
**Slithy** , what a bleak portrayal that is and yet it’s true. But it’s wrong, and it should be changed. Marriage should be a partnership of equals. Nowadays it’s seems like it’s cool or funny to claim yourself as the hen-pecked husband. It really annoys me because a good woman will not henpeck but many men take the least bit of commentary or advice to be henpecking. And the woman that do henpeck, oh, they’re nasty. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/42 "2007-09-07T15:58:19Z")
[QUOTE=Cheesesteak] Unless I misread your post, for 7 shows over the last 14 years, you were involved with someone. Being involved with someone is not “nothing”. [/QUOTE] An excellent point. However, in those cases, the women I was seeing were met through personal ads, or in one case, a dating service for which I paid several thousand dollars. Those relationships didn’t “just happen”, they were the result of very conscious planning on my part. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/43 "2007-09-07T16:00:37Z")
I agree with **storyteller.** Just live your life, and quit worrying about it. Life is not devoid of all meaning if you don’t have a partner. Having a partner doesn’t make your problems go away–it often compounds them. I never really had this hangup. I did not think about love unless I met someone and decided I loved them. If they turned out to be a jerk, I would stop thinking about love until the next person I loved came around. I did not feel sorry for myself on Valentine’s Day. I had great friends and exciting goals. I met my husband during college freshman orientation. My first impression of him was that he was a meek, nerdy, ridiculously kind guy that I wouldn’t mind smiling at in the hallway from time to time. I didn’t think about him much for about a year after that initial, forgettable encounter, until he sent me an e-mail that stated, in effect, ‘‘I’m sorry you’re sick. I’d make you chicken soup, but I’m allergic to it, so I don’t have any. I have a lot of beans though, if you like beans.’’ :rolleyes: 1 = Oh my god, this guy is a total dork :rolleyes: 2= Oh my god, this guy is ridiculously nice, to the point of absurdity One day, he helped me move. We spent an overnighter trying to construct a very large wooden desk in my new bedroom. He kept offering to help me, but was too weak to turn the screwdriver without hurting his wrist. So for 9 hours, he organized the parts and I did the assembly. I said, ‘‘Mom, you don’t think he likes me or anything, do you?’’ She said, ‘‘Olives, I love you. And even _I_ wouldn’t spend 9 hours helping you put a desk together.’’ It took us a few months to really catch on. But when it did, well, it _just happened._ I sure as hell wasn’t looking for it. I was pretty convinced that love that intense didn’t really happen in real life. But it just kind of fell in our laps, and we had no choice but to run with it. My advice, which you will no doubt loathe hearing, is to live your life, and enjoy it, and stop attaching conditions to your personal happiness, such as, ‘‘I have to have a partner.’’ Love is such a random occurrence that it is pretty much a waste of time to worry about it. It will either happen, or it won’t. No amount of you wishing it will happen will make it happen, any more than me not caring made it NOT happen. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/44 "2007-09-07T16:00:42Z")
[QUOTE=Robot Arm] See what I mean? [/QUOTE] Don’t worry, it’ll just happen. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/45 "2007-09-07T16:01:02Z")
I don’t think there is just one love for each person. I think there are many qualified people all over the planet who could click with any one of us. Most of the time, love really does “just happen.” If you make yourself available and desirable, the odds are good that you’ll find someone who’s available and willing to take the plunge. I can’t count how many people say they found love when they weren’t even looking. It happens a lot. ---
**Author:** ![starryspice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@starryspice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/starryspice)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/46 "2007-09-07T16:14:13Z")
I’m going to chime in on the side of, love does “just happen.” I was single for almost all of my college years. Then one night in my senior year, I went to a friend’s party and talked with a bunch of people, some of them guys. Me and another guy tried to explain Quantum Mechanics to an art history major who wanted a one-sentence summary of what it was all about (!). I went home, that guy got my IM from his friend who threw the party and we started dating. Now we’re married. I didn’t go to that party looking for a date, or looking to get hit on, I went looking to have a good time with friends and to meet some new people. I’d been to parties like that before, it was just that one night where the “magic,” if that’s what you want to call it, worked. I think the key of being single, as others have already said, is to have a good time by pursuing your interests/going to parties/etc and either (A) you’ll keep on having a good time or (B) you’ll find someone else who wants to have a good time with you. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/47 "2007-09-07T16:25:19Z")
Nobody believes in spontaneous generation anymore, so I dont think anything “just happens.” “Hey baby, how about you and me do some spontaneous generation?” Oooooh yeah. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/48 "2007-09-07T16:25:20Z")
Let’s get something straight here. Over the past 6 months, I have been living my life and I’ve been generally happy. Except for little pockets of moods, I’m pretty sure I’m not telegraphing desperation. In all that time, I’ve only asked two women out, as no one else has really interested me. And with both of those women, I can’t see how my invitations could have been any more casual and non-threatening. But here’s the thing: In living my life, things do not “just happen.” Maybe for you that works, and you know what? Bully for you. Glad it turned out great for you. But I’ve been living in my own skin long enough to know what works and what doesn’t work for me. And just living my life and waiting for something to “just happen” doesn’t work. Trust me, I have a lifetime of experience to back this up. **Kalhoun** , thanks for the advice, but hell no, the odds are not good. They pretty much approach zilch for me. If I’m not proactive in my dating life, I simply don’t date. That’s just the way it is with me. It’s a fact I just have to accept. And in a way, I’m cool with that. I’d much rather take control of my life than to simply leave it to the whims of blind luck, especially when I have none. ---
**Author:** ![Barracuda\_Motorcade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c89c15/32.png) [@Barracuda\_Motorcade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barracuda_Motorcade)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/49 "2007-09-07T16:31:15Z")
Sorry if this is a burden, but as long as we’re trying to fight ignorance, I’ll offer that true love at first sight DOES in fact exist, it’s just so very rare that the vast majority do not experience it in their lifetimes (like seeing seven four-leafed clovers all in a bunch… it can and certainly does happen, but is not likely to be observed). My wife and I first met at a lake party in 1997 (I was 18, she was 19). We were insane about each other from that moment, and still are nine years later. No one understands us - sometimes, least of all, we. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/50 "2007-09-07T16:34:25Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] Don’t worry, it’ll just happen. [/QUOTE] Don’t make me hurt you. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/51 "2007-09-07T16:38:22Z")
Love does just happen. It’s the like part that takes the work. That’s not the way it works in movies, because they cut the 20 pages of script where the couple is getting to know one another. But why would you want to fall in love with someone you don’t even know? I also think the advice really means that one shouldn’t be desperate. Keep yourself open to meeting people, go to places where you can meet people, but start slowly. I used to be desperate, but when I met my wife, who was visiting a friend, I wasn’t even very interested in her, and I think that helped. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/52 "2007-09-07T16:47:23Z")
[QUOTE=starryspice] I’m going to chime in on the side of, love does “just happen.” I was single for almost all of my college years. Then one night in my senior year, I went to a friend’s party and talked with a bunch of people, some of them guys. Me and another guy tried to explain Quantum Mechanics to an art history major who wanted a one-sentence summary of what it was all about (!). I went home, that guy got my IM from his friend who threw the party and we started dating. Now we’re married. [/QUOTE] That’s great for you. But let’s put this under a microscope. You were a hot (or reasonably so) college chick at a party? And someone was hitting on you? What are the odds? Reread the OP, especially the part about a) Being an attractive woman, b) Having guys hit on you, and c) Getting invited to parties. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/53 "2007-09-07T16:47:59Z")
**tdn** , I think you might be mixing up two concepts, and maybe missing what people are saying. No, opportunities to find love do not just happen. You have to be single (well, most of us do), you have to be outside your own house, you have to be open to it. There are any number of things you can do to increase your odds, from joining a dating service to volunteering to whatever. Meeting the person you can fall in love with no more “just happens” than dinner “just happens.” And it sounds like you’re putting in the effort, being available, whatever. But you can’t make yourself fall in love with someone. The “love” part of it _will_ either “just happen” or it won’t. And you can’t make someone else fall in love with you if they’re not feeling it. It can’t be manufactured and it can’t be forced. I think _that_ is what people are saying. There is a difference IMO between saying “how did you meet your wife/husband/SO?” and “how/why did you fall in love with your wife/husband/SO?” The answer to the first question may be “I was in the frozen food section at Kroeger and s/he dropped a ten-pound turkey on my foot,” but the answer to the second is almost always “It just happened.” But the bitter bottom line is that just because you are open to the experience doesn’t mean you are entitled to it. Just because _if_ love happens, it will “just happen,” doesn’t mean it will happen at all. I’m not saying that to bring you down, but it’s the truth. I do believe in True Love, but I don’t know if all of us get to experience it. Heck, if there’s a Mr. Right out there for me, he’s hiding. So I try to live as a happy single person, open to the opportunity of love if it comes along, but not eating my heart out wondering if it will. Because it may not. That doesn’t mean we can’t look for love. That doesn’t mean that love doesn’t take hard work to sustain, if we’re lucky enough to find it. But love itself mostly does “just happen.” Or, in the immortal words of Matt Groenig, “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/54 "2007-09-07T16:48:43Z")
[QUOTE=Voyager] But why would you want to fall in love with someone you don’t even know? [/QUOTE] I’m not quite sure how this is relevant to the discussion. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/55 "2007-09-07T16:58:44Z")
[QUOTE=Jodi] But you can’t make yourself fall in love with someone. [/QUOTE] Once again, I’m not sure how this is relevant. I never claimed I was trying to make myself fall in love with someone. At the heart of it, I’m merely talking about meeting new people who are slightly less transitory than checkout girls and waitresses. I’ve got my foot out there, but no one is dropping any turkeys on it. On the other hand, I did “just happen” to meet a really nice girl last weekend. I pretty much just made a passing comment on her sweatshirt, and we ended up having a really nice conversation. We totally clicked. The problem is, as a general policy, I don’t date 15-year-olds. And that’s another thing, dammit! I am meeting women, but they all seem to be collecting either an allowance or social security. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/56 "2007-09-07T17:05:46Z")
Well, sure. When you are not interested in someone, your foot is out with a big turkey bulls-eye on it. You’re relaxed, friendly, confident. Is it out in the same way when the turkey-toting gal is attractive to you? You may not agree, but I bet your focus on this bleeds through in your attitude when you happen upon someone you think you might like. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/57 "2007-09-07T17:06:55Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] Once again, I’m not sure how this is relevant. I never claimed I was trying to make myself fall in love with someone. [/quote] It’s relevant because it supports the premise that love DOES just happen: You can’t make someone else fall in love with you; you can’t make yourself fall in love with someone else. I never said this was anything you were doing; it’s in response to your assertion that “love happens” is in every case “bullshit.” > [@](#): > > At the heart of it, I’m merely talking about meeting new people who are slightly less transitory than checkout girls and waitresses. I’ve got my foot out there, but no one is dropping any turkeys on it. “Less transitory” people appear in less transitory settings: work, church, the place you volunteer, the gym, whatever. But as I said, there is no guarantee that anyone will ever drop the Turkey of Love on your foot. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. But if it _does_, it will probably “just happen.” That’s all I’m saying. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/58 "2007-09-07T17:07:42Z")
It’s easy to shout encouragement to the drowning when you’re standing on the shore. Yeah sure, people find other people in random circumstances. But for every ‘I went to a party and wasn’t looking and found this girl and married her’ story, I can find 100 ‘I went to a party and wasnt looking and didn’t get squat’ stories. Sure it _might_ happen, just like I _might_ win the lottery or _might_ be given a magic sword by some watery tart, but it’s not a big might. This kind of thinking leads to the ‘There’s someone for everyone’ line of thought, and that’s clearly bullplop. Lot’s of people meet no one special and go through life totally alone. As far as I can see all this does it repeatedly raise hopes just so they can be dashed again. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/59 "2007-09-07T17:08:31Z")
I am really enamoured of the apparent popularity of the Turkey/Foot Love Metaphor. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2007, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351/60 "2007-09-07T17:11:54Z")
[QUOTE=stolichnaya] You may not agree, but I bet your focus on this bleeds through in your attitude when you happen upon someone you think you might like. [/QUOTE] I’m sure it does, but I can’t seem to find the off switch. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/love-it-will-just-happen/418351.md?page=4)