# Loving an addict **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 22, 2011, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956 "2011-07-22T07:03:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/41 "2011-07-27T20:34:56Z")
I had to laugh today when I went to the mail box. There were sixteen envelopes, every one of them from an attorney. Every single one of them. Yeah they don’t chase ambulances but they sure do scour the recent inmate list at the county jail. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/42 "2011-07-27T22:51:46Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I’ve heard that heroin isn’t confined to really poor people, that middle/upper class people often fall victim. I’m a little ignorant as to how, though. If you’re living a pretty normal life, how do you meet people who do heroin? Like, at parties? I’ve never once met someone who did it–even if I wanted to, I’d have no clue where to get started. How does it happen? Another way is the kind of “lateral” addiction. My ex is addicted to opiates - which heroin is. But he never got started on illicit street drugs. He got started on codeine/ibuprofen combination drugs that he was told to take by a doctor to control pre-arthritic symptoms related to a genetic collagen disorder. He started taking them “as needed”. Unfortunately the codeine component quickly became adapted to and “as needed” kept increasing. He also suffered from an undiagnosed depression issue at the time, so when he realised he was taking too many he tried to stop, which just ended up sending him into a profound depression to the point where suicide was considered a viable option. So he kept taking them. And needing more. But codeine’s a restricted drug over here, so he was having to pharmacist-shop to get as many as he needed. And the ibuprofen was causing other health issues, so he tried extracting the codeine through filtering methods, but that didn’t work. He then ended up in hospital where he was given morphine and fentanyl for pain relief. That didn’t help either. If health issues hadn’t got in the way and brought his addiction/overuse to the fore, and resulted in his being shuttled into a methadone programme before you could say “boo”, he admitted to me that he was considering his next step was going to be going out, finding someone who sold heroin and just getting straight on the horse, because he knew the ibuprofen was killing him and it was getting too hard to maintain his shopping as he’d nearly been caught at least once, but he still needed the opioids to function. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/43 "2011-07-27T23:31:19Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I’ve heard that heroin isn’t confined to really poor people, that middle/upper class people often fall victim. I’m a little ignorant as to how, though. If you’re living a pretty normal life, how do you meet people who do heroin? Like, at parties? I’ve never once met someone who did it–even if I wanted to, I’d have no clue where to get started. How does it happen? My ex picked up the addiction from pain drugs given to him in an army hospital when he was in for a minor wound from action in SE Asia in the early seventies. After he got out, civilian doctors weren’t as free with the pain drugs as army ones were. Even in the rural area where he lived, heroin wasn’t hard to find. After a couple of years struggle, he went through rehab and kicked it for a few years. Even when using, he managed to keep a decent job and “act normal” for the most part. Fast forward ~fifteen years of mostly normal living, relationship issues, the country’s involvement in another war and an injury at work put him back in a similar place drug use-wise. It took him another year and a half, the ending of our relationship and a temporary alienation from his kids before he went into treatment again. This time he managed to kick alcohol too. That’s been quite a few years ago and he’s been clean and sober since, but has to really work at it. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2011, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/44 "2011-07-28T01:32:27Z")
> [@missred](#): > > My ex picked up the addiction from pain drugs given to him in an army hospital when he was in for a minor wound from action in SE Asia in the early seventies. After he got out, civilian doctors weren’t as free with the pain drugs as army ones were. Even in the rural area where he lived, heroin wasn’t hard to find. After a couple of years struggle, he went through rehab and kicked it for a few years. Even when using, he managed to keep a decent job and “act normal” for the most part. > > Fast forward ~fifteen years of mostly normal living, relationship issues, the country’s involvement in another war and an injury at work put him back in a similar place drug use-wise. It took him another year and a half, the ending of our relationship and a temporary alienation from his kids before he went into treatment again. This time he managed to kick alcohol too. > > That’s been quite a few years ago and he’s been clean and sober since, but has to really work at it. Yes, this is a common way that heroin addiction/use begins. The addiction takes root much earlier by way of prescription painkillers (most notably Oxycontin) and when the patient/addict can no longer access or afford the prescription drugs (they are very expensive on the blackmarket) they very often go the route of heroin-which is much cheaper. This is also the way my friend became addicted. ---
**Author:** ![K\_bob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@K\_bob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K_bob)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2013, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/45 "2013-03-10T22:06:01Z")
I am new to the world of addicts. I love the most perfect man in the world for me -except he is addicted to pain meds for his arthritis. He’s had a dwi a long time ago, but in January he took Valium on top of the mix along with vodka. He disappeared in the middle of the night, stole my car and proceeded to total it. He got a dwi and I have had to clean up some of his mess. This weekend he did the same thing but in his own car, which he didn’t crash. He’s stuck in jail until he can see the first judge. I’m just at a loss. I know so many people say an addict can’t love anyone, but it just sounds like a blanket statement. He’s going to lose his kids and job now too. Not sure if I should even post bail. It sucks so much to find the love of your life and they end up doing stupid things. ---
**Author:** ![mayaonfiya222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a8b319/32.png) [@mayaonfiya222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mayaonfiya222)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/46 "2013-04-11T06:07:11Z")
I will never date another addict in my life. It’s just too painful. Not only because of the pain they cause you, but also the pain they cause themselves. I used to do coke with my ex. I figured it was a once in a while thing with him, but then I realized he was high on something everyday. Whenever he would come down, I would always have to take care of him like a mother. Although I love being nurturing to people who I care about, it seemed like I never got much in return. I also lost respect for him because he would use money from his bar business (which wasn’t all his) to buy drugs. Maybe there are some junkies who are really selfless, but I haven’t met any. It’s crazy how much different he was when he was sober. For 2 weeks he seemed like a new person. We had so much fun…but somewhere along the line, he would find some way to rationalize doing coke again. “Oh, work is just crazy. I need something to keep me going”. Or, “C’mon, it’s my best friend’s birthday”. It just became too ridiculous. Nowadays, if I meet someone with drug problems, I immediately put my guard up. Maybe I can be an acquaintance to someone like that, but I’m not letting them into intimate parts of my life. That was hell. Towards the end he became so abusive that I had to completely block him from my life. It’s sad, but sometimes you just have to take care of yourself and just hope that one day they get their own situation together. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/47 "2013-04-11T12:59:05Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > Thanks to you and everyone else who replied and PMed. Sorry I haven’t gotten back to those PMs yet. > I found a home for one of the big dogs today and it just about broke my heart to have to tell my little girl “her” dog had to go. She’s had him since the night he was born. I told her he’s moving in with a girl dog and starting a family. She asked if he was getting married and I just said yes, and they’ll live happily ever after. She hasn’t mentioned him since then. > > Tonight Mig called from the jail again. I wish I could accept the call but the jail uses some sort of “global tel link” rip-off pre-pay service and you have to have a credit card and add a minimum of 25 dollars to an account with the understanding that if you go over they can charge you as much as they want. I think it would be good for my little girl to talk to him but there’s not much I can do. I have no credit card and even if I did I wouldn’t trust this company. I looked them up and they have such bad reviews. It surprises me that our government would use a company with such a poor reputation, but I guess inmates don’t really matter. Or their families. > > I am really not missing him so much. I’m too angry. Every time I turn around something reminds me of the position he’s put me in and pisses me off again. I found his rolling papers and a bag of seeds in his drawer and raged a while. I looked up some of his treasures online and the most expensive thing he owns is sold new for 14.99. I washed his dirty clothes when I felt like throwing them in the trash. > > I wrote him a short note to let him know what happened when he tried to call so he will stop trying. I asked that if he has a lawyer to have them call me so I can get more information, but I didn’t offer to visit. I’m not taking my daughter to the jail to visit her father. I just can’t. I don’t know if that’s right or not, but I don’t feel good about it. I hope I’m making the right decision. She’s doing better right now anyway. She’s mentioned him several times but I think she finally understands that he won’t be home any time soon. It’s hard to believe it’s been almost two years since this happened. Mig was deported, as I’ve mentioned before. We kept in touch for a while but there’s no phone where he lives and he clearly isn’t interested in giving me his address. We haven’t heard from him since Christmas but his brother says he is still drinking too much. I guess he’ll never learn. I’ve had to rebuild my life and I’m finally, after all this time, starting to move forward ever so slightly. Drugs did this. Yes he was here illegally but if he’d followed the law in other ways, by not making stupid choices during his drunken binges, he’d still be here. We might have even had a chance for amnesty given the way things are going with the laws these days. But he screwed it up and his sweet little eight year old daughter is the one who suffers the most. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/48 "2013-04-11T19:55:58Z")
Your story broke my heart. My husband of 17 years left me 2 years ago because he simply could not stop doing drugs and drinking. No amount of love, begging him to go to counseling, threats or anything else mattered. In the end he told me that he is who he is and he could not stand to put me through the pain of being with him anymore, and he left. After 17 years. I had just turned 40 and was with him and only him for my entire adult life. It was awful watching what the drugs did to him- he used speed and would be up for literally an entire week in a manic frenzy only to sleep for a week after that; no food, nothing- it was terrible. He suffers pancreatitis that nearly killed him but continues to drink. In the times that he was not using he was the absolute love of my life. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done (and didn’t do) for him. He told everyone with ears how much he loved me, even until the day he left. Now 2 years gone and finally legally divorced I cannot stand to look at him because he still loves me and I can see it in his eyes. He broke my heart like no one else ever has or ever will. The disease will kill him and robbed me of my marriage and life partner. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I am angry at the disease, angry at him and pissed at the world over it, despite being in a much better place now in my life. I’m sorry for your loss, OP. And hell, I’m sorry for mine. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/49 "2013-04-11T20:04:15Z")
Oh I didn’t realize this was an old thread since the OP still posts here. I feel a little stupid now but the post is out there and that’s that I guess. Thanks to all who read it. ---
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/50 "2013-04-12T02:22:04Z")
Old thread. Nevermind. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2013, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/51 "2013-04-12T17:14:02Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > …snip… > I guess I’m writing all of this because I want to know if there is anyone else with experiences of having an addict as a loved one and how they coped. \ Last wife. Marriage blew up, messy divorce. Brother. He died from it. ---
**Author:** ![JESS-A-MA-KESS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@JESS-A-MA-KESS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JESS-A-MA-KESS)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2013, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/52 "2013-06-02T11:25:49Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > How many here have loved/been in love (or are) with an addict? It is truly one of the most painful, heartbreaking experiences one can go through. It is the other side of addiction. While the addict will say nobody could ever know what they are going through, the person who loves them despite this horrible addiction could say the very same thing. > > I have loved an addict. A heroin addict. And I’m sure as soon as many people hear that term “heroin addict”, certain images pop into their heads; what a heroin addict would be. I know I was guilty of this, prior to becoming entangled in the life of an addict. But addicts come in all shapes, sizes and appearances and some of the last people you’d ever think are actually the most hopeless addicts. I learned not to judge a person for their addiction. I know it’s easy to SAY this but to really realize it and mean it, for me, took this personal experience. > > I got to know the person, the intelligent, witty, beautiful, good-natured girl who was truly struggling (valiantly) with a monster bigger than herself. And that is the tradegy. I loved the person, but the person is NOT THERE when they succumb to addiction. I met her when she was clean. And it was great, for both of us. But the demon that is heroin addiction never left her and she relapsed. And I lost the person I had come to know. > > A addict, a true addict, lives to feed that addiction. With a heavy-using heroin addict, they can only go a few hours before they begin to experience withdrawal sickness so they are basically trapped in a never-ending cycle of “getting that next dose” just to keep the sickness away. And when that withdrawal hits, the DRUG is the most important thing in the world. Even more important than their loved ones, their mother, their children. This is the demon that lives inside every heroin addict. > > Of course the addicts KNOW what they are doing, they know that getting that next dose instead of feeding their child is terrible, horrible child abuse; but THAT is how strong the clutch can be. And this, in turn, feeds into more hopelessness and depression which feeds the addiction even more. They often would just rather die anyway. > > There is no relationship, no bond between people, that is stronger than heroin. An addict will tell you anything to suit their needs. But how do you just turn your back on someone that you care for? You know they are out there dying a slow death, how can you just cut them out and end things? THAT is the true tragedy of loving an addict. Your damned if you do and your damned if you don’t. In the end, for my sanity and well-being, I HAD to let her go. But it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I truly believe heroin will kill her. She tried rehab, did methadone therapy (that is scary, fucked up shit right there) and suboxone therapy. Everything will work for awhile but, like most heroin addicts, her recovery never lasted. I say the drug will kill her because in order to successfully beat it I believe you need certain things in your life. Things like a positive family support structure, hope, confidence and resources. She had none of these things. > > I guess I’m writing all of this because I want to know if there is anyone else with experiences of having an addict as a loved one and how they coped. Wow that is an amazingly accurate description which is amazing since you are coming from the other side. Usually unless the person has dealt with addiction in their own life they can’t understand why a heroin junky can’t just stop, no matter how bad everything has gotten because of the addiction. In order for someone to get sober first of all they need to want it desperately for themselves not for anyone else, if you aren’t sick and tired of being sick and tired and aren’t 100% ready to commit to recovery and sobriety and to do the necessary things to do to stay sober then they are going to relapse. For me the AA,CA,HA programs work. All are based from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous but for addicts and the only way to stay sober and enjoy it is to go to meetings and do the steps because rehabs don’t mean shit. If that person isn’t serious about sobriety a 6 month rehab won’t have an effect it definitely won’t cure but really it isn’t what you do in rehab that’s gonna keep you sober it’s what you do when you get out. And in reference to what kind of support an addict needs it depends, if they are being enabled and are the type of person that needs tough love that’s what you have to do but can still show them support if they are doing something for their recovery and I would recommend al-anon which is for the family members if addicts/alcoholics. And then some addicts need love and guidance and support and that extra push or help to detox and go to meetings and get a sponsor like maybe you could go to some meetings with her. But you have to find out where she stands in her addiction if she is over it or still completely in it ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2013, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956/53 "2013-06-02T16:42:18Z")
Ambivalid, I have been with an addict alcoholic for the past 17 years now. It has not been pretty. I have lost track of how many cars have been totaled, how many years have been spent in jails, prisons and hospitals. When I put her out she hits bottom so hard, so fast and so badly I just can’t watch it and take her back in. I won’t go into all the dirty details because I don’t much like even thinking about them. ``` A few months back I quit going through the closets and drawers and flushing the drugs and alcohol and told her just do it in the open. She is pretty much drunk and loaded all the time but not quite as bad as when I am trying to keep it from her. She can walk with out falling down most of the time, she can eat without spilling her food and even dial a phone now. Her periods of sobriety have gotten shorter and shorter over the years to the point where she is basicaly never sober. Last year her left lung was removed because of a large tumor which was actually food she had inhaled into her lung. She had it very easy most of her life because of movie start good looks and a body that would stop traffic. Also she is very intelligent and engaging when sober and was able to find jobs usually on her first interview. Her good looks lasted until just a few years ago, she is 62 now and starting to show wear, I just gave up. I figure if she has some security and dignity it is better than it was. ``` [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/loving-an-addict/589956.md?page=2)