# Lurve advice/opinions sought! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2002, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036 "2002-09-21T22:08:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![porn\_star\_luke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b19c9b/32.png) [@porn\_star\_luke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porn_star_luke)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2002, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/1 "2002-09-21T22:08:18Z")
Hi there, I want my best friend to be my girlfriend. In part because I can’t get her out of my mind, and in case the answer is No, I can move on and stop dreaming. I simply don’t want to be forever the ‘nice guy best friend’ who hovers in the background whilst she has a life. If she says Yes, that’s brilliant; if she says No, I’ll know for sure. Now, I decided to send her a letter. There’s almost no chance of her seeing this board, so I thought I’d post it here and see what people think. Personally, I feel that it lacks a certain something, and that the tone is a bit too formal. Ladies of the Straight Dope, what think you! > [@](#): > > I am, and have been since I picked you up in Swansea last week, extremely attracted to you. Maybe I always was, but tried to suppress it in order to pursue our friendship. > > Will you be my girlfriend? > > Laura, I love everything about you, even (especially) the things which you seem determined to change. Your imagination, compassion, intelligence and beauty are the reasons I’m writing this letter! > > Everytime I picture myself with a girlfriend, I see you. Spending this Summer apart has made me realise just how big a hole there’d be in my life if you weren’t a part of it. > > I think we’d make a wonderful couple, and have lots of fun. Now I know what you’re thinking: that we tried going out before and it didn’t work out. But we’re both very different people. And I believe it’s a positive thing - we know that, if it doesn’t work out, we definitely won’t lose our friendship. > > But even if that weren’t true, it wouldn’t matter. There’s nothing > that could possibly cause me to risk my friendship with you - except the possibility of a relationship with you! > > As a couple we’ll have fun. We’ll be able to do ‘couply’ things, and > take our friendship to a whole new level. What a sweet deal! You have nothing to lose and a boyfriend to gain! You have my number, give me a call. Thanks guys, your comments are much appreciated! L. ---
**Author:** ![elshatan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@elshatan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elshatan)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2002, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/2 "2002-09-21T22:25:40Z")
I was in this situation a couple years ago, and I didn’t take a chance and make my move, and dammit, I wish I had. Even though I know now it probably didn’t work out. Go for it. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2002, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/3 "2002-09-21T22:50:20Z")
I think it is too long and tries to explain too much (about why and about what might be). There is no advice that anyone could give you that might not fail, especially considering our distance from the situation. I’d send her some red roses and a very short note the effect “I can’t stop thinking about you; call me! (please)” ---
**Author:** ![fizgig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f04885/32.png) [@fizgig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fizgig)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2002, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/4 "2002-09-21T23:22:15Z")
I wouldn’t write her a letter. It will just make your next communication ackward. She’s going to have to pick up the phone and tell you yes or no, or maybe. She’ll probably be stewing over this for a few days, since you’re a close friend. The entire time, you’ll be biting your nails raw wanting to know what’s going on, but will be afraid to pick up the phone and call her. IMO, this is a conversation to have in person. If you can’t quite muster up the courage in person, the flowers and short note might be better. When I was a senior in HS, one of my friends was best friends with her boyfriend’s best friend (confusing, huh?). She and the boyfriend had an on-again off-again relationship that was never quite taken to the next level. The whole time, R, the best friend, was totally gone for D, but wasn’t going to move in on his best friend’s girl. He waited patiently, and after the final breakup, he let his feelings be known with flowers and a sweet card on her birthday. They started dating shortly after that, he changed his life for her, and last I heard, they’d gotten married and were expecting a baby. So take heart, these things can work. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/5 "2002-09-22T00:00:52Z")
I thought thje logic in paragraphs 5 and 6 was confusing, I think I’d rephrase to say “But we’re both very different people now than we were before” or something like that. It sounds like you’re saying that she and you are different from one another, when I think you mean to say different from your former selves. Other than that, it’s very romantic. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/6 "2002-09-22T00:53:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by porn\_star\_luke \* (bolding mine) > > I am, and have been since **I picked you up** in Swansea last week, extremely attracted to you I don’t think this gives the right impression! ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/7 "2002-09-22T00:56:34Z")
I’d give her the letter while you were standing right there, perhaps with flowers (not roses, or if roses, not red roses. Tulips, lillies, a nice mixed bouquet would be better). Otherwise, waiting for her to call will just be too painful, as **fizgig** points out. As for the letter itself, it’s very sweet (assuming you are young? If you are 30+ it needs polishing), and I wouldn’t mess with it too much–you’ll end up polishing the voice right out of it. You might try making the intro a little more punchy, and get rid of the word “love”–at best, it’s meaningless, and at worse, it terrifies people. I’ve done a sample edit here, but I did so mostly because I love to edit–the letter as it stands is excellent. > [@](#): > > Laura, > > Will you be my girlfriend? > > Last week when I picked you up in Swansea, you blew me away–(describe what you saw, lots of **concrete details** about how you felt), and I realized that I have just been fooling myself thinking I liked you as only a friend. > > Your imagination, compassion, intelligence and beauty amaze me. It amazes me even more that the very things that I admire so much (concrete examples) seem to be invisible to you. > > Everytime I picture myself with a girlfriend, I see you. Spending this Summer apart has made me realise just how big a hole there’d be in my life if you weren’t a part of it. > > Now I know what you’re thinking: that we tried going out before and it didn’t work out. But we’re both very different people. And I believe it’s a positive thing - we know that, if it doesn’t work out, we definitely won’t lose our friendship. > > I think we’d make a wonderful couple, and have lots of fun. We’ll be able to do ‘couply’ things (insert concrete examples), and take our friendship to a whole new level. What a sweet deal! You have nothing to lose and a great boyfriend to gain! (I also moved a few lines around and suggested a couple spots where concrete details would add a great deal of punch) ---
**Author:** ![porn\_star\_luke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b19c9b/32.png) [@porn\_star\_luke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porn_star_luke)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/8 "2002-09-22T11:36:09Z")
All comments have been extremely helpful and I’m extremely grateful. I’m alson pleasantly surprised at the sheer volume of help willingly granted to a newcomer - what a welcoming place!! glee, I think you’re right about that phrase 🙂 I merely picked her up from the railway station after she spent the summer somewhere else. I think I should remove all mention of Swansea - it conjures up images of death and decay, at least for me 😃 fizgig – excellent point about doing it in person: I don’t handle wating and suspense very well! Manda JO – much appreciated, that must have taken you some time. I will definitely make some of the change you suggest. ratatoskK and mangetout, thanks for the tips - much appreciated! Right then, it seems the way to go is to hand the letter over in person, but that will have to wait two weeks until we’re both back in Oxford cos she’s in London atm. Thanks again L. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/9 "2002-09-22T14:28:51Z")
I’ve been in a similiar situation with a friend in college. She was even dating somebody at the time. ``` I told her of my feelings. She was flattered, but didn't feel that way about me. That was a few years ago. I got over her. Our friendship survived undamaged. Do it. ``` Do you know the story of Cyrano? He could fight a dozen men, or brave the the shots of muskets and cannons. But when it was truly important, Cyrano was a coward. He lacked the courage to tell Roxanne that he loved her. I can’t remember who wrote “Of all sad words, of tongue or pen The saddest are these-it might have been.” ``` But I've found it to be some of the most valuable advice I've ever heard. ``` ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/10 "2002-09-22T15:40:45Z")
It’s definitely worth a try, IMHO. I agree with the others that say you should give it to her while she is there. And flowers is a nice touch. I would tone down the “yes or no?” aspect of the letter to avoid putting her on the spot. I also agree that the letter is very sweet, but a bit too long. Brevity is better in this case. So my suggestion is give her flowers with a card with the note on it. My suggested edit: > [@](#): > > Laura, I love everything about you, especially the things which you seem determined to change. Your imagination, compassion, intelligence and beauty are the reasons I’m writing this letter! > > Everytime I picture myself with a girlfriend, I see you. I have felt this way for a long time, but tried to suppress it in order to pursue our friendship. Spending this summer apart has made me realise just how big a hole there’d be in my life if you weren’t a part of it. > > I think we’d make a wonderful couple, and have lots of fun. Now I know what you’re thinking: that we tried going out before and it didn’t work out. But we’re both very different people. And I believe it’s a positive thing - we know that, if it doesn’t work out, we definitely won’t lose our friendship. There’s nothing > that could possibly cause me to risk my friendship with you - except the possibility of a relationship with you! > > Love, > > Porn Star Luke Good luck, and let us know what happens. ---
**Author:** ![Booker57](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Booker57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Booker57)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/11 "2002-09-22T16:41:03Z")
Go for it. Men (most of us) know two types of flowers, Rose’s are one. Dasiyes are the other. I can spell rose. ---
**Author:** ![fizgig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f04885/32.png) [@fizgig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fizgig)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2002, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lurve-advice-opinions-sought/129036/12 "2002-09-22T19:51:56Z")
Roses are nice, but I was totally floored when a BF remembered that I liked orchids and sent me a gorgeous bouquet of then when I was admitted to graduate school. If you know of a particular flower she likes, perfect. If not, ask the florist for some ideas, they should have good suggestions.