# Mad Scientist Curriculum-What courses? Are You On The Faculty Yet? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 28, 2005, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209 "2005-02-28T00:30:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/61 "2005-03-04T18:01:31Z")
Music Appreciation 202 Students will study music from J.S. Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries to Danny Elfman’s Edward ScissorHands. The course will feature in class discussion on the choice of theme music with a final exam of listening tests. Evil Lair Self-destruct Mechanism 404 Students will study how to rig a self-destruct device for their evil lair. (See prerequisite classes on the construction of: evil lairs) ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/62 "2005-03-04T18:12:23Z")
> [@Scott\_plaid](#): > > ::Written on a black-board: > I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot…I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot.I will dispach my enemies with a simple head s…:: > > On the ground is a robotic hand releasing a huge amount of smoke into the air. The following is visible on it’s display panel > for i:=1 to 100 do > begin > write('I will dispach my enemies with a simple head shot. '); > end; > > Scott is nowhere to be found. I’ll give you a B+ for that, Mr. **\_plaid**. I’d have given you an “A” if you’d have included a feature that made the hand garrote anybody who uncovered your deception, however. Keep up the good work. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/63 "2005-03-04T18:20:05Z")
> [@Humanist](#): > > Well, I graciously suggest myself as the head of the Humanities department. > > What? Somebody has to show them the all-important subtext and symbolism inherent in such lines as “Fools! I’ll destroy them all!” and “Next time you shall not escape so easily!” Not to mention the Freudian implications behind tying up the hero’s girlfriend to the laser doomsday device. > > If we are to be a university, turning out socially inept, mentally imbalanced future warlords, we need to ensure that they have a thorough, broad-based, non-Euro Centric understanding of the cultures they intend to conquer. I’m so sorry, but here at Transylvania Polygnostic University, we maintain a Inhumanities Department, so much more practical for the students later in life, don’t you agree? Now, off to the Human Guinea Pig Studies Department for you! I’ll see to it that you get an apple with your food pellets, won’t that be nice? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/64 "2005-03-04T19:36:15Z")
> [@Humanist](#): > > If we are to be a university, turning out socially inept, mentally imbalanced future warlords, we need to ensure that they have a thorough, broad-based, non-Euro Centric understanding of the cultures they intend to conquer. Not to mention that quoting Sun Tzu, Machiavelli, or some Shakespeare when starting a speech or explaining a decision to lead henchmen gives a villain depth. > [@Zebra](#): > > Students will study music from J.S. Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor Ah, how I love that piece. For you philistines reading Duhdoo duhDOO! Doodle oodle doood oot. Ah beep beep bip bap beep beep bip bap beepety beepety booppity doodley bah doo. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/65 "2005-03-04T21:58:30Z")
::Scooter, of the Muppet Show comes running down the hall:: Scooter: “Sir, Sir! I found the perfect comic strip for our school newsletter. It’s called [Radioactive Panda](http://www.radioactivepanda.com/comic/1/) and it is just great! You’ll love it.” ::He then trips over a monofilament weed wacker that was originally part of Scott’s automated hand, till it came off due to internal vibrations and landed across the room. It slices his leg in two. Stuffing pours out liberally. Scooter: Oh, dear God! ---
**Author:** ![akira5822](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/53a042/32.png) [@akira5822](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akira5822)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/66 "2005-03-04T22:12:08Z")
I would like a position in campus maintance, I would like to be placed in charge of doomsday machine catalog and storage. Thank you ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2005, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/67 "2005-03-04T22:59:05Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > Not to mention that quoting Sun Tzu, Machiavelli, or some Shakespeare when starting a speech or explaining a decision to lead henchmen gives a villain depth. A little Edgar Allan Poe, too. _And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall…And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all!_ And may I humbly apply for a position in the [college radio station?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=288747) We all love having some good tunes…and I need to use the broadcasting equipment for my Takwin Field experiments, and to better contact [some collegues from out of town.](http://ragjr.com/being.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/68 "2005-03-05T09:54:22Z")
**Comparitive Civics: Studies In Running the World You’ve Ground Under Your Iron Heel** : at least three units of this **Civics** course are a prerequisite for all undergraduates, and the course will be convened by Niccolo Machiavelli, courtesy of the Trans-Temporal Resurrection Unit of our Physics Department. Course units will cover: 102.1 Medieval Italy {guest lecturer Baron Harkonnen} 102.2 Oriental Despotism {guest lecturer Fu Manchu} 102.3 Post-Apocalyptic Feudalism {guest lecturer Overdog} 102.4 Gleaming Fascist Technocracies {guest lecturer Grand Moff Tarkin} 102.5 Workers’ Paradises {guest lecturer O’Brien} 102.6 Living By The Sword {guest lecturer Genghis Khan} 102.7 Are We Not Men? {guest lecturer Dr Moreau} Note: this unit is required for those studying **Meddling In God’s Domain** 102.8 Scientific Theocracy {guest lecturer Mrs Coulter} 102.9 Bread And Circuses {guest lecturer Emperor Commodus - if wet, George W. Bush} Convenor’s note: at least two units from 102.1-102.4 are mandatory for this course. ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Igor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Vlad\_Igor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Igor)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/69 "2005-03-05T16:59:16Z")
Any need for a Lab Assistant Guest Lecturer? Vlad/Igor ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/70 "2005-03-05T17:33:38Z")
I _officially_ declare myself head of and professor emeritus of the Seduction Department! Now, I’ll just need some teaching assistants… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/71 "2005-03-05T19:14:55Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > **Comparitive Civics: Studies In Running the World You’ve Ground Under Your Iron Heel** : at least three units of this **Civics** course are a prerequisite for all undergraduates, and the course will be convened by Niccolo Machiavelli, courtesy of the Trans-Temporal Resurrection Unit of our Physics Department. > > Course units will cover: > > 102.1 Medieval Italy {guest lecturer Baron Harkonnen} > 102.2 Oriental Despotism {guest lecturer Fu Manchu} > 102.3 Post-Apocalyptic Feudalism {guest lecturer Overdog} > 102.4 Gleaming Fascist Technocracies {guest lecturer Grand Moff Tarkin} > 102.5 Workers’ Paradises {guest lecturer O’Brien} > 102.6 Living By The Sword {guest lecturer Genghis Khan} > 102.7 Are We Not Men? {guest lecturer Dr Moreau} Note: this unit is required for those studying **Meddling In God’s Domain** > 102.8 Scientific Theocracy {guest lecturer Mrs Coulter} > 102.9 Bread And Circuses {guest lecturer Emperor Commodus - if wet, George W. Bush} > > Convenor’s note: at least two units from 102.1-102.4 are mandatory for this course. Addenum–as the Dean of the Trans-Temporal Resurrection Unit of our Physics Department has just gone back in time & killed his own Grandfather, thus ensuring that he never existed, & making Trans-Temporal Resurrection impossible, we have an acceptable alternate to convene the course–Zombie Niccolo Machiavelli, courtesty of our Honor Program in Atomic Re-Animation Of The Dead. Special thanks to Professor Ed Wood, for having to go through 8 separate re-animation plans, before his success with plan 9. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/72 "2005-03-05T23:30:30Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > Addenum–as the Dean of the Trans-Temporal Resurrection Unit of our Physics Department has just gone back in time & killed his own Grandfather, thus ensuring that he never existed, & making Trans-Temporal Resurrection impossible, we have an acceptable alternate to convene the course–Zombie Niccolo Machiavelli, courtesty of our Honor Program in Atomic Re-Animation Of The Dead. Special thanks to Professor Ed Wood, for having to go through 8 separate re-animation plans, before his success with plan 9. Those bungling fools! Dabbling hacks who have the temerity to call themselves scientists, yet fear in their quailing timidity to embark upon the _true_ path to knowledge! Must I do _everything_ myself? Guards! Bring me my Necronomicon, a set of jumper cables, a 12 volt battery, a clean sacrificial dagger and a virgin - I don’t know, try the Computer Studies Department - and then have the entire Trans-Temporal Resurrection Unit thrown into the dankest and most rat-infested of my many pits, where they can contemplate the penalty for failure while I plot their suitably gruesome demise. Joking, joking. Have them all shot at once. Except the virgin, of course: I have _other_ plans for her… ---
**Author:** ![ccwaterback](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@ccwaterback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ccwaterback)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2005, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/73 "2005-03-06T01:29:35Z")
101 Domesticated Animal Cuisine 102 Explosive Chemistry 103 Skullduggery 104 US Postal System 105 US Airport Blueprints 106 Tall Buildings, Long Bridges, and Deep Tunnels 107 Living in Idaho 108 Principles of Spam, Adware and Spyware 109 Webcam Video Capture Techniques 110 Electrostatics 111 Mastering the Grimace, Drool, and Chortle 112 Advanced Einstein Coif Theory ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2005, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/74 "2005-03-06T06:03:06Z")
Bah! Those fools, those minions of orthodoxy—they laughed at the process of Trans-Temporal Resurrection because of the supposed “failings” of one of it’s practicioners…just like they dismissed psychosurgery because of Walter Freeman; how they scrapped the space-gun after the “treason” of Gerald Bull…I won’t stand for it! Not now, not when the conquest of death itself lies so close to my grasp! (The conquest of death in yet another, slightly different way, that is.) No, I shall take the refuse of the dean’s “bungling,” and I will _triumph!_ No man, no god, no law of nature will shakle me…nothing and no one will block my path! _NO ONE!_ ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2005, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/75 "2005-03-06T11:56:05Z")
Brains In Jars 1: creation, maintenance and safe storage Brains In Jars 2: communication with Frothing Bubbly Coloured Chemicals: how to set up complex arrays of them, with a network of inter-connecting tubes and technical-looking components that don’t _actually_ serve any purpose Doomsday Machine Circuitry: the course will emphasise the need to construct the Doomsday Machine in such a way that it cannot simply be fired with a simple ‘On’ or ‘Launch’ switch; instead, its use must involve a lengthy ‘calibration’ sequence followed by a ‘launch initiation’ sequence. The duration of these two sequences should be equivalent to the penultimate reel of a typical action movie minus 5 seconds. Sexy Acrobatic Female Warriors: recruitment and career structure ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/76 "2005-03-06T18:58:12Z")
> [@ccwaterback](#): > > 101 Domesticated Animal Cuisine > 102 Explosive Chemistry > 103 Skullduggery > 104 US Postal System > 105 US Airport Blueprints > 106 Tall Buildings, Long Bridges, and Deep Tunnels > 107 Living in Idaho > 108 Principles of Spam, Adware and Spyware > 109 Webcam Video Capture Techniques > 110 Electrostatics > 111 Mastering the Grimace, Drool, and Chortle > 112 Advanced Einstein Coif Theory No-no-no! :smack: All those courses, save the last one, are suitable _only_ for Deliverance Memorial Hostile Redneck University. OFF TO THE GUINEA PIG CAGES WITH THE CHURL! No exercise wheel for you, **cc**!! ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2005, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/77 "2005-03-06T20:48:31Z")
I’ll volunteer to teach a graduate seminar: M513: Mwa-ha/Bwa-ha: A Comparative Analysis of The Evil Laugh Dichotomy ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/78 "2005-03-07T01:29:56Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > Joking, joking. Have them all shot at once. Except the virgin, of course: I have _other_ plans for her… _Her??_ [Oops.](http://www.covenantfn.org/images/winners/joel_lurie.gif) Well, really, you should have said. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/79 "2005-03-07T02:58:54Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > _Her??_ > > [Oops.](http://www.covenantfn.org/images/winners/joel_lurie.gif) > > Well, really, you should have said. Oaf! Bungler! _Of course_ sacrificial virgins have to be comely females, you cretin - have you no respect for tradition? How do you think the Dark Gods are going to feel after they come all the way from right angles to reality to fulfill their part of our unholy bargain only to find that fat hairy git’s naked buttocks spilling over the sides of the altar? Not. Very. Pleased. , Mr **kaylasdad99** , and who is going to have to mop up the hair and giblets after they vent their demonic wrath, you half-wit? You _know_ we’re having enough a hard enough time recruiting cleaning staff from thevillage as it is. Nincompoop! Ignoramus! ---
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/80 "2005-03-07T03:15:46Z")
“Fools! I shall destroy them all!” …and other catch phrases you can use to win friends and influence people. Open workshop this Wednesday evening, in lecture hall B. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209.md?page=5)