# Mad Scientist Curriculum-What courses? Are You On The Faculty Yet? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 28, 2005, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209 "2005-02-28T00:30:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/81 "2005-03-07T03:30:40Z")
Do you deal with anger effectively? Are you socially well adjusted? Are you at peace with your past? Family history not dysfunctional? Have you never been snubbed by your peers, co-workers or colleagues? Do you lack a deep-routed interest in the occult or ethically dubious side of the sciences? Don’t let this hold you back! Our 4 day seminar will give you the drive and desire to be just as depraved, single minded and mentally unbalanced enough to wreak just as much havoc as your naturally off-center friends. Guaranteed! We give you the skills to make people nervous within five minutes of meeting you, or your money back! To apply, wire $54.95 in advance to account #04-0253875. Seminar begins Thursday morning, 10:00. To find us, take the service elevator to sub-level C (boiler room/mechanical), and proceed all the way down the unlit hallway on your right to the second unmarked door on the left. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/82 "2005-03-07T04:36:15Z")
D-4247 Advanced Doomsday Device Timer setups Course highlights include… using all the same color wiring for the internal wire-looms (what do you mean, “cut the blue wire” they’re _ALL_ blue wires!) multiple redundant power supplies automatic detonation if power is cut cutting random wires _increases_ the speed of the countdown random number countdown timer inverting countdown timers to confuse the hero, I.E.; Leela: “Get ready to run, we’ve got twenty-five minutes. Uh…fifteen minutes. Five minutes. Six H minutes?” Bender: “Hmm…there’s the problem! The professor put the counter on upside down.” Leela: “That idiot! It wasn’t set for twenty-five minutes, it was set for fifty-two seconds!” Setting your DD to detonate when the timer reaches 17, none of this “countdown to zero” crap ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/83 "2005-03-07T04:59:54Z")
Oooohhhhhh \*\* Dean BosdaBaby \*\* I would like to teach a course, how about cruel yet sexy punishments ? I’m sure other ladies (and maybe a few of the mens) here would be willing to help. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/84 "2005-03-07T12:56:02Z")
> [@Ayesha](#): > > Oooohhhhhh \*\* Dean BosdaBaby \*\* > I would like to teach a course, how about cruel yet sexy punishments ? I’m sure other ladies (and maybe a few of the mens) here would be willing to help. And would this course be in the Seductive Yet Evil Villainess Department, or in our Associate Of Science Program For Beautiful (Non-Hunchbacked) Lab Assistants? ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2005, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/85 "2005-03-07T18:46:02Z")
I will be hosting the first intramural football game between the Brains in Jars, and the team from the Seduction Department. Iron Boot Stadium, 9pm, no death rays or doomsday devices will be allowed in the stadium. Seating will be made available for those with more than four limbs, or two asses. $10 per ticket, human slaves, andriods, or killer viruses can be accepted in lieu of money. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/86 "2005-03-08T04:47:07Z")
> [@Dob](#): > > I will be hosting the first intramural football game between the Brains in Jars, and the team from the Seduction Department. Iron Boot Stadium, 9pm, no death rays or doomsday devices will be allowed in the stadium. Seating will be made available for those with more than four limbs, or two asses. $10 per ticket, human slaves, andriods, or killer viruses can be accepted in lieu of money. Is this American style football, or the World version? If it’s American, then I suggest the game officials all be henchmen and reanimated corpses that crave brains, and that the goalposts conduct electricity. If it’s world style football, then the ball should be a bomb that might or might not explode if one of the teams doesn’t score every ten game minutes. The goalies should be reanimated corpses that resemble Dr. Frankenstein’s monster so that they are almost impossible to score against. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/87 "2005-03-08T04:50:45Z")
Come to think of it, does the position of Director of Athletics have candidates, or will you, **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** handle the athletics directly as an administrative task, like Pres. Gordon Gee of Venderbilt? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/88 "2005-03-08T04:53:23Z")
> [@The Great Zamboni](#): > > Pres. Gordon Gee of Venderbilt? :smack: It’s V **a** nderbilt. Sorry for the triple post. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/89 "2005-03-08T05:31:25Z")
It would HAVE to be the \*\* Seductive Yet Evil Villainess Department \*\* daahhhhlink. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/90 "2005-03-08T12:41:44Z")
> [@The Great Zamboni](#): > > Come to think of it, does the position of Director of Athletics have candidates, or will you, **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** handle the athletics directly as an administrative task, like Pres. Gordon Gee of Venderbilt? the position of Athletics Director is ope, **Zamboni**. You interested? We’re fielding a great Polo Team this year, ever since the Palaeontology Dept provided the new “ponies”. HEY! Ponies can have scales! There’s nothing in the Rule Book that says ponies can’t have scales! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/91 "2005-03-08T12:41:56Z")
> [@The Great Zamboni](#): > > Come to think of it, does the position of Director of Athletics have candidates, or will you, **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** handle the athletics directly as an administrative task, like Pres. Gordon Gee of Venderbilt? The position of Athletics Director is open, **Zamboni**. You interested? We’re fielding a great Polo Team this year, ever since the Palaeontology Dept provided the new “ponies”. HEY! Ponies can have scales! There’s nothing in the Rule Book that says ponies can’t have scales! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/92 "2005-03-08T12:43:53Z")
> [@Ayesha](#): > > It would HAVE to be the \*\* Seductive Yet Evil Villainess Department \*\* daahhhhlink. Excellent! However, you must provide your own “supplies”, & be reimbursed later. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/93 "2005-03-08T13:03:42Z")
MS 101: Being Nikola Tesla: learn to dress in formal attire, whilst producing 5’ arcs of high tension sparks. Live alone in uptown NYC hotel room. Learn to avoid women wearing pearls, perfume, etc. Cultivate literary contacts, discuss “1910-Style Death Rays” with uppercrust finacial moguls. Learn to cultivate pigeons as friends (extra credit)-release weird ravings about aliens, earth vibrations, unlimited power, etc., to credulous reporters. WARNING: after course completion, students will be reduced to raving lunatics! ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/94 "2005-03-08T13:09:33Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > the position of Athletics Director is ope, **Zamboni** > [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > the position of Athletics Director is ope, **Zamboni** Holy Crap! Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor has mades half human-half spider clone! That uses tortured rhymes! And looks something like[this!](http://venusenvy.keenspace.com/images/fanart/heather.JPG) Um… I am not retreating. I’m… just going to work on my my earth-moon teleporter. Yeah, that’s the ticket. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/95 "2005-03-08T22:06:43Z")
> [@Ayesha](#): > > It would HAVE to be the \*\* Seductive Yet Evil Villainess Department \*\* daahhhhlink. Sadly, I can only think a few female mad scientists. Of those, a depressing amount are just following in their father’s footsteps in an attempt to avenge him and/or gain his respect. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2005, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/96 "2005-03-08T22:16:26Z")
[Noreen Wakeman](http://teenageroblog.blogspot.com/) [Grannie Chang](http://www.radioactivepanda.com/comic/7/) Agatha, the[Girl Genius](http://www.studiofoglio.com/girlgenius.html) Not the most attractive bunch, save for Agatha. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2005, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/97 "2005-03-09T08:51:02Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > Sadly, I can only think a few female mad scientists. Of those, a depressing amount are just following in their father’s footsteps in an attempt to avenge him and/or gain his respect. [A sad, sad fact indeed.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_mad_scientists) But, being the clever gentlemen of science we are, I propose we set about rectifying this problem using the resources and knowledge at our disposal. An applied eugenics program, or a classic intelligence boosting via neuroaugmentation, followed up by proper mental conditioning. (The latter would likely require acquiring unwilling test subjects…but hey, since when has that _not_ been a problem we’ve had to deal with?) Or, failing that, we could launch a recruitment and cross-training drive with the Femme Fatale Guild Academy. Or just build some more superintelligent fembots. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2005, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/98 "2005-03-09T08:54:47Z")
Oh, forgot to mention…[Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club for Scientists.](http://www.improb.com/projects/hair/hair-club-top.html) Thought you’d like t’know. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/99 "2005-03-10T05:54:48Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > The position of Athletics Director is open, **Zamboni**. > You interested? > We’re fielding a great Polo Team this year, ever since the Palaeontology Dept provided the new “ponies”. > HEY! Ponies can have scales! There’s nothing in the Rule Book that says ponies can’t have scales! Excellent. I am entering my name as a candidate. I like your idea of mutants and dragons being used instead of ponies. At least that is what you implied. Under policies I would set, steroids are banned, but genetically engineered radioactive mutants are acceptable. All students will have microchips implanted before each athletic event that they attend. The chips will be used to force the home crowd to cheer for the team, and if necessary, to turn the students into a mass of goons to be used to conquer the Earth! The football stadium will have a secret laboratory underneath the visitors stands that will be used for nuclear fission experimentation, during games only. The swimming pool will be 1/4 km. square, 100 meters deep, and always be heated to 45 degrees ©. During swim meets, in may or may not be filled with mutant sharks. For regular funding, I will hold the world hostage for $100 billion! A list of suggested events: Competitive Rocket Building: Students will build and fly rockets to the moon and back. ``` Shooting: 1920's Style "Death-Rays"! (You knew I would do it) Synchronized explosions Deathcage Wrestling: Each participant will have a variety of horrifying weapons, like maces and whips, in addition to typical wrestling moves. ``` ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209/100 "2005-03-10T10:03:26Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > **Choosing Your Disfigurement: Instilling Fear In Theory And Practice** > > 101.1 Eww, Creepy: Nasty Coughs to Slight Limps > 201.1 I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This Guy: Missing Eyes to Hunched Backs > 301.1 He Ain’t Human: An Introduction To Bio-Mechanical Augmentation > > Graduate Level: Get The Hell Outta Here! - Replacing Your Arms With Deadly Prostheses > Postgraduate Study: Bullets Don’t Stop Him! - Full Cybernetic Body Upgrades A co-requisite for undergraduate studies in this course is **Deportment And Grooming** , which I shall be teaching in addition to my **Berating Incompetent Underlings** seminar: 102.1 Choosing Your Accent: Middle-European vs. Upper Class English 102.2 Dress To Oppress: Has the Nehru jacket had its day? 102.3 Elementary Switch Operation: Stabbing with a wizened claw 102.4 Animal Companions: Cats, Iguanas, Flying Monkeys and beyond 102.5 Pithy Quotes: From “Cry Havoc” to “From Hell’s Heart” 102.6 Cursing Impressively: God rot your scrofulous bollocks! 102.7 An Introduction To Sarcasm: I hope these manacles are not _too_ inconvenient At least two of these units are mandatory for all undergraduates, in addition to the required **Berating Underlings** seminar: 102.6 Fools, Dolts, Oafs, Bunglers, Nincompoops and Halfwits: Berating Hapless Minions With Style {or, when “Fuck!” isn’t enough} I _trust_ there will be no further questions? Then we shall proceed - so! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mad-scientist-curriculum-what-courses-are-you-on-the-faculty-yet/292209.md?page=6)